What is it about S anyway?

Is it that she's somewhat androgynous? Like the character from Clive Barker's Imagica or Hobb's Fool? They both though seemed essentially male but just barely. She is definitely female. Anyway the important thing being this androgyness(sp) quality symbolizes the universal. Such a powerful symbol to me. Like being The Chosen One or something...

There are other such people. She has a ton of lesbian (manly) friends. But she is such a unique person it seems. Is that it? Why does she seem unique? Is she actually? It does seem a lot of people like her. Well, a lot of women. And they can't believe she's straight.

I can believe she's basically straight. Is it that she's almost 30 and practically never been kissed and this arouses my pity?

Is it just that she so clearly likes me? Without saying so. But in the way she moves, her expressions, etc....

Is it solely that I've got a blackhole of nihilism in me, inherited from my biological three times married father and a typical solution is to search for meaning in loving additional people? And if not her, just the next most likely suspect?

Is it that our mothers look so much alike... And in turn we also somewhat are simply alike? Both mothers look strong. Big boned, long faces, potentially very stern German look. Although my mother is like a unicorn. Her mom is sterner. My father is like a snake. Definitely would have been a Slithering. Looks just like it turns out he was. Comically so. My mom would have been a Griffendor. Not necessarily the brightest. But idealistically courageous. Cried every day for a year when snakeman left her. Her father... more like my wife. Her father and her mother looking like me and my wife. She probably looks like...

..the child I'll probably never have. Perhaps that's it?

Hopefully I'll get over it soon. It's one thing to recognize that everyone is beautiful... and some a bit more so than others. But I'm downright lusting a bit now though. I don't want to be like my father. Ridiculous as strict monogamy seems to me, surely this is no answer. It's as if I've forgotten something quite important. But it seems all I've forgotten is how to avoid being human.

I wonder if my attraction to the angrogynous speaks of something similar within me? Do I appear androgynous to others? No one has ever said so. But would anyone honestly admit to such a thing? The women I've slept with have said I'm like an uber man raging with testostorone. But, they're a bit biased perhaps. And more likely to lie. And there's not really that many of them. I ask my wife and say is this like you asking me if you look fat in those jeans and she says it definitely isn't.

S is absurdly honest. Goes on about how her ass was bleeding from hemmorhoids. I'll have to ask her if she thinks I'm effeminate. Maybe after a bottle of wine this Saturday... It would actually make me happy if she said I was. Being in a work environment that's 85% female and more than half the men being effeminate maybe it's rubbed off.

The person who trained me to be a nurse, I knew him for three years previously and clearly remember him being effeminate. And my social conditioning kicking in, feeling that ugly disgust albeit just slightly, what a sick feeling although it never controlled me and I must say I seem to not have it in me anymore... Now, he doesn't seem that way at all to me. If anything he seems like he's trying too hard to be a caricature of stereotypical pigheaded manliness. No one really arouses that feeling in me anymore. Instead I see effeminate men and think, "well he's sort of cute for a man." For this one guy though, it doesn't even seem to be that I'm doing that. He just truly doesn't seem even the least bit effeminate anymore. He's in his late 30's. Surely he wouldn't suddenly decide to start putting on a manly show? But who knows, his wife recently left him. Maybe it triggered something in him... Maybe he thought she left him for not being manly enough and now he's got to prove her wrong in his mind...

But I want my very own Fool to love. The universal person. A KD Lang or that Men At Work lead singer. They do symbolize to me exactly what Hobb's Fool is supposed to be. The Prophet who comes and tries to change the world. Set it back on it's course. Avert The Fall.

But perhaps I am a Fool myself just looking for another me.