Finally bought Tarkovsky's Stalker. To me places have feelings which I can't put into words and seem attached to mysticism. As I've gotten older I've noticed it less, perhaps for the usual reason of being too locked into memories of the past to completely take in my present surroundings. Still I watch Stalker and get this feel of that generalized area of the world. I'm reminded of my visit to Kazakhstan. All of Russia comes together with this feeling, all the Russian writers I've read. The few movies I've seen. All presents this feeling which I can't explain. Something positive about it. Sort of like the UK and my strange feeling I was meant to have lived there, although nowhere near as strong.
The beginning sequence of making it into The Zone feels like a dream, not quite realistic. Reminds me of Sleeping Child's Play.
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Finally switched to just one night shift a week instead of 3. This should be a huge positive in my life. The really bad part of working nightshifts was the days off, spent up all alone through the middle of the night. Just couldn't switch my sleeping back and forth that much. Hopefully switching for a single day won't be so bad.
An intelligent student at work said I could speak online to people in Asia, etc at night. My response was a bit too derisive really. It just came out too quick. Was very tired by that point from a hard day plus have such an incredibly negative outlook on internet interactions now.
Has been good to blog for me though. Hard to go back over old posts. Hard but I think very good. So hard to remember my unhappiness. But brings it home that I want a future within which I can look back on the past and not have the feeling I have now. I want to look back on positive memories.
But how positive can they ever really be in dystopia?
I can't unknow that this is a dytopia. It's like mowing the lawn. Recently reading a book (Edible Estates) which talks in great detail about what a pointless negative thing lawn mowing is. Yesterday as I was mowing the lawn I was thinking about how I've always known this. Since I was 11, 12 years old. I've always understood this despite it back then taking place in a manner that I couldn't articulate. I've no problem with hard work provided it isn't a ridiculous utter waste of time. I can't forget how retarded lawn mowing is and in the same way I can't forget this is dystopia and so how happy can I ever really be?
Trying to fall asleep last night and wanted a happy thing to think about. Had to stay up a bit and sleep alone to get ready for single night shift tonight. I used to sometimes try to think happy thoughts about a person I knew who lived in the UK. That person's made it extremely difficult for me to continue thinking happy thoughts about her.
Eating green vegetables, blueberry smoothies and daily running really help with sleeping well. As does thinking happy thoughts while falling asleep. This knowledge I have, that this world is a dystopia, which I guess others don't have, much like apparently most people enjoy mowing their lawn, it can be forgotten if I'm focusing on people for whom my interactions have been positive. It doesn't work with my wife because she's right here. There's nothing missing to fill in with imagination.
The missing though... so easy to fill it with negatives though. Especially with a strong imagination and a life already quite full of negatives. It's perhaps dangerous to deal with people whom have too much missing info.
About lawn mowing though, so much pain in this world, so much unhappiness that can't be avoided. We ought to have fun when we can, and so what do people do?
They make sure their land has only one single type of very boring plant on it and make sure each frond is exactly the same height by spending a very loud hour or two of each of their precious few days off from work cutting it. They're overworked to begin with and so this is what they do with their free time.
They might as well just go back to work on Saturdays instead.
You point out how ridiculous it is and how do they respond? They make up crap. About a horde of snakes overtaking the land and so on. Humans are hopeless. I suppose they're evolved into this, this creature that wouldn't know what to do with it's self if it wasn't doing some drugery.
Another thing about work, was thinking about the whole 'how are you? I'm fine. And you?" exchange. It's not only that you have to say you're fine even if you aren't because the other person actually has no real connection to you and couldn't do anything even if you weren't. Even worse, saying you're not fine makes it sound like you're unstable and maybe a liability as an employee there. Again, the fake smile. In dystopia everyone is smiling. And everyone's fine. Because those who aren't smiling, those who aren't fine, are dangerous, unstable, not to be trusted with jobs, etc.
Yet still I also ask people how they are. And I'm sure they lie and say they're fine when they're not. To not do so would be so rude. It would be seen as me saying, I'm not even going to pretend that I give a damm how you are. In truth I want to really give a damm. But you know, no one's going to say they're not fine, except for maybe an annoying cold, etc.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The stepping stones by my house, 6 months ago? 10 months ago? I couldn't run across them two at a time. Trying to do so hurt my knees and for that matter my back at times. Now I can easily. Today was jumping from two stones away up onto the deck, just while working around the yard. Just jumping because it felt good, felt so good to have back such agility, to be able to just take off and fly for a moment. As a child and young adult I was constantly taking off and jumping up stairs as far as I could and so on.
Have this back because I've been jogging at a 2% incline on the treadmill about 6 days a week. Have been doing so for maybe 3 weeks now?? Previously was slowly working into it except running less often and at a greater intensity. And that definitely did not work as well.
Have to get daily exericse, the key being to lessen the intensity so that I can manage to do so. It's especially difficult with the 14 hour night shifts, dealing endlessly with death, etc. So hard to exercise on top of that. The key now has been to keep it "comfortable" or I should say, on the edge of comfortable, where my breathing doesn't quite elevate. Still can carry on a conversation but maybe usually would rather not. Just running 0.5 to 1.5 miles followed by 10 to 20 minutes of "comfortable" weightlifting. For weightlifting to be "comfortable" and yet not useless, means there must be some volume, which so often has caused me insomnia in the past. But with blueberry smoothies I'm not having insomnia.
So health is good then.
Work is running me down lately. I think the main problem. (Of so many problems). Is that my empathy is waning. Feeling like most of these people are sick because they were mentally lazy and simply didn't do the things they needed to do to not get sick. Basically I'm thinking like a rightwinger about things. I need to remember that my own family members and myself also at times have done some of the same behaviors they've spent their life doing.
This lack of empathy is making the work unrewarding. Need to overcome it, stop demonizing... or "uglyizing"? my patients.
I could maybe think that my patients are:
1. Slowly committing suicide on a subconscious level and deserve empathy on that basis.
2. Live in a society where disgusting harmful food is usually the only choice. Even at the hospital cafeteria this is the case actually. When people are surrounded by such how can I hold it against them for eating it?
3. Fooled into thinking the doctors know what the hell they're about when they tell them to take all those pills.
4. Don't bother to get knowledgeable because when you get down to it, this life sucks so bad who really wants to live to be very old anyway?
Hmmmm, I'll have to work on it.
At the same time I simultaneously have the opposite problem, where I feel too much empathy for the pain and suffering of some of my patients. Such didn't used to weigh me down so much. I think it's my own inconsistency from patient to patient which is making it harder to deal with. To stop judging probably would be good. Yet I've been doing this long enough it's hard to not immediately categorize people. What are the categories?
Very generally:
1. Drug seekers.
2. Mentally lazy people who need to educate themselves about how to maintain good health.
3. People who actually deserve my empathy.
I usually have at least one drug seeker a shift. And the mentally lazy make up the majority of my patients. Really have to find some other way to think about it. Remember that I myself am far from being perfectly "mentally unlazy". And I could relate some of how I feel about food to how other people feel about drugs I supppose.
Have this back because I've been jogging at a 2% incline on the treadmill about 6 days a week. Have been doing so for maybe 3 weeks now?? Previously was slowly working into it except running less often and at a greater intensity. And that definitely did not work as well.
Have to get daily exericse, the key being to lessen the intensity so that I can manage to do so. It's especially difficult with the 14 hour night shifts, dealing endlessly with death, etc. So hard to exercise on top of that. The key now has been to keep it "comfortable" or I should say, on the edge of comfortable, where my breathing doesn't quite elevate. Still can carry on a conversation but maybe usually would rather not. Just running 0.5 to 1.5 miles followed by 10 to 20 minutes of "comfortable" weightlifting. For weightlifting to be "comfortable" and yet not useless, means there must be some volume, which so often has caused me insomnia in the past. But with blueberry smoothies I'm not having insomnia.
So health is good then.
Work is running me down lately. I think the main problem. (Of so many problems). Is that my empathy is waning. Feeling like most of these people are sick because they were mentally lazy and simply didn't do the things they needed to do to not get sick. Basically I'm thinking like a rightwinger about things. I need to remember that my own family members and myself also at times have done some of the same behaviors they've spent their life doing.
This lack of empathy is making the work unrewarding. Need to overcome it, stop demonizing... or "uglyizing"? my patients.
I could maybe think that my patients are:
1. Slowly committing suicide on a subconscious level and deserve empathy on that basis.
2. Live in a society where disgusting harmful food is usually the only choice. Even at the hospital cafeteria this is the case actually. When people are surrounded by such how can I hold it against them for eating it?
3. Fooled into thinking the doctors know what the hell they're about when they tell them to take all those pills.
4. Don't bother to get knowledgeable because when you get down to it, this life sucks so bad who really wants to live to be very old anyway?
Hmmmm, I'll have to work on it.
At the same time I simultaneously have the opposite problem, where I feel too much empathy for the pain and suffering of some of my patients. Such didn't used to weigh me down so much. I think it's my own inconsistency from patient to patient which is making it harder to deal with. To stop judging probably would be good. Yet I've been doing this long enough it's hard to not immediately categorize people. What are the categories?
Very generally:
1. Drug seekers.
2. Mentally lazy people who need to educate themselves about how to maintain good health.
3. People who actually deserve my empathy.
I usually have at least one drug seeker a shift. And the mentally lazy make up the majority of my patients. Really have to find some other way to think about it. Remember that I myself am far from being perfectly "mentally unlazy". And I could relate some of how I feel about food to how other people feel about drugs I supppose.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
It occurs to me I have for a while now cured myself of The Search. It isn't out there. Only within. I haven't searched in a long time, thankfully, sadly.
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I like cats that act like dogs and vice versa. The same with most else.
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5000 pages, hundreds of characters, endlessly jumping from so many characters, finally returning to the previous often many hundreds of pages later, killing main characters after thousands of pages. Not a bad way to go about things... (George Martin).
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Watched the gay theatre episdoe of The IT Crowd. Laughed harder then I have in years. Laughed and also cried. In a crying mood. Earlier was crying as I thought about bringing dragons back into the world. A reoccuring idea in fantasy fiction. Occurs both with Hobb and Martin, and I'm sure many others. WIth Martin tied into ending slavery. Bringing back dragons is a highly symbolic idea. A powerful idea that makes me feel like crying. Surely not something understood by most. Then with The IT Crowd. Even though I like it I avoid watching it because I feel like I was meant to have lived in the UK and thinking of what has been forever lost is painful. So I try to avoid things which remind me. It's just some silly sitcom but it happens to be symbolic of the UK to me.
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Ate Indian food and left without paying. Scares me that I did so. Certainly never did such a thing before. Mostly just that horrifically sleep deprived thanks to 14 hour nightshifts. Also though engrossed in book. Plus, I don't know, the food was so damm good I forgot about the depressing concept of money. Etc. Thinking all kinds of things except paying for my meal.
Worse, I told people at work about this. Because I forever make the mistake of assuming goodness, intelligence on the part of others... Instead they'll judge me awfully. I should know. I do know. (How can someone that absentminded be taking care of critically ill people?) But in the moment it's a truth unbearable. To see it and stand being around them would be a bit of Lovecraft's correlation. Kunderesque.
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I like cats that act like dogs and vice versa. The same with most else.
-
5000 pages, hundreds of characters, endlessly jumping from so many characters, finally returning to the previous often many hundreds of pages later, killing main characters after thousands of pages. Not a bad way to go about things... (George Martin).
-
Watched the gay theatre episdoe of The IT Crowd. Laughed harder then I have in years. Laughed and also cried. In a crying mood. Earlier was crying as I thought about bringing dragons back into the world. A reoccuring idea in fantasy fiction. Occurs both with Hobb and Martin, and I'm sure many others. WIth Martin tied into ending slavery. Bringing back dragons is a highly symbolic idea. A powerful idea that makes me feel like crying. Surely not something understood by most. Then with The IT Crowd. Even though I like it I avoid watching it because I feel like I was meant to have lived in the UK and thinking of what has been forever lost is painful. So I try to avoid things which remind me. It's just some silly sitcom but it happens to be symbolic of the UK to me.
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Ate Indian food and left without paying. Scares me that I did so. Certainly never did such a thing before. Mostly just that horrifically sleep deprived thanks to 14 hour nightshifts. Also though engrossed in book. Plus, I don't know, the food was so damm good I forgot about the depressing concept of money. Etc. Thinking all kinds of things except paying for my meal.
Worse, I told people at work about this. Because I forever make the mistake of assuming goodness, intelligence on the part of others... Instead they'll judge me awfully. I should know. I do know. (How can someone that absentminded be taking care of critically ill people?) But in the moment it's a truth unbearable. To see it and stand being around them would be a bit of Lovecraft's correlation. Kunderesque.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Slept really bad last 4 days while working night shifts. Attempting one arm chins, etc every 2 to 3 days doesn't seem to cause sleep like doing them every day. Although so many additional factors... Got to sleep better!!! So stopping all heavy weight lifting. Has to be light enough that I can do at least two quick sets of 30.
Thinking also that as I wake up over and over again during bad sleep, each time I have to reorient self. I need to do so in a fake positive way. Need to join the positivity cult during the moments of these repeated awakenings for the sake of my health.
Despite 4 days of bad sleep I miracously felt up to running yesterday for first day off and managed 18:00 for 2 miles. Rest 3 minutes and 10:17 for one more (blah). And 3:57 for a final half mile.
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Don Blankenship is a good example of human society. It only takes a very few people like him to act in such a manner, to throw out all morals in order to make as much as money as possible. As a result he reaps huge profits and his corporation is growing and growing. Even as he has this disaster he's in the process of buying up yet another company for a billion dollars. All the while he claims his corporation, which has the worst safety record, has the best. To put it bluntly, the shit rises to the top in this world. The 'winners' are those who will do anything, no matter how depraved.
This disaster is no big deal in view of the fact that each year the total number of miners out right killed is about this number. Not to mention all the people who slowly die as a result of chronic inhalation issues, back issues, etc. Add that and the number of lives ruined each year is at least a magnitude higher.
And all taking part in a sort of 'conspiracy' where they each recognize it's unsafe, the air is polluted, etc and no one says anything as they know they'll lose their job if they do.
Thinking also that as I wake up over and over again during bad sleep, each time I have to reorient self. I need to do so in a fake positive way. Need to join the positivity cult during the moments of these repeated awakenings for the sake of my health.
Despite 4 days of bad sleep I miracously felt up to running yesterday for first day off and managed 18:00 for 2 miles. Rest 3 minutes and 10:17 for one more (blah). And 3:57 for a final half mile.
-
Don Blankenship is a good example of human society. It only takes a very few people like him to act in such a manner, to throw out all morals in order to make as much as money as possible. As a result he reaps huge profits and his corporation is growing and growing. Even as he has this disaster he's in the process of buying up yet another company for a billion dollars. All the while he claims his corporation, which has the worst safety record, has the best. To put it bluntly, the shit rises to the top in this world. The 'winners' are those who will do anything, no matter how depraved.
This disaster is no big deal in view of the fact that each year the total number of miners out right killed is about this number. Not to mention all the people who slowly die as a result of chronic inhalation issues, back issues, etc. Add that and the number of lives ruined each year is at least a magnitude higher.
And all taking part in a sort of 'conspiracy' where they each recognize it's unsafe, the air is polluted, etc and no one says anything as they know they'll lose their job if they do.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Noticed many times in life that I seem to run much better/faster when I also am riding a bike. Recall first running a mile in 6:04 in high school gym class just from a bit of basketball and riding a bike really hard. Later noticed played basketball much better/much better agility here and there when I really rode an exercise bicycle hard.
So the lunges I had been doing are similar but a higher intensity which I was thinking could cause me going into overtraining/insomnia. So switched to riding a bike. First ride 4 days ago on Thursday for an hour. On Friday I ran 2 miles in 20 minutes, rested 3 minutes and ran an additional mile in 11 minutes. Rested and ran half a mile in 4:25. The previous run I had managed 2 miles in 20:45 a week earlier, but with 5 pound dumbells. Rode a bike another hour on Saturday (bit faster than previously, 5 minute improved ment for 30 minutes, much greater improvement for an hour). Today, Sunday, ran 2 miles in 18:26. Rested 90 seconds and ran another mile in 10 minutes. Rested again and ran another half mile in 4:13. Huge improvments. Ridiculous considering how long I can otherwise plateau at slower times.
Cautiously must say, this running is making my back entirely better. Last night even slept on stomach and didn't wake up with any pain. More and more such is the case.
After almost beating my rightwing brother-in-law to a bloody pulp at christmas had decided to avoid him permantly to avoid ending up in jail. All kinds of fights have ensued with parents who would much rather me risk jail and show up to eat a meal (that isn't even considerate to veganism anyway) a few times a year as if it even matters. As if the considerable risk has any kind of reward anyway beyond some paper thin facade. So to avoid endless more arguments and fights being forced to eat Easter dinner today. As the actual me has never existed with my parents. Me almost losing it and turning rightwing dumbass into mush is dismissed as not real. So in future will do best to switch work schedules with people such that I work all holidays. Never cared much about holidays anyway.
But the running is such fun. How I've missed being able to move with a bit of speed for an extended distance. The bike riding is actually better also. Beautiful weather now also. Feel like documenting how beautiful my house is, etc right now. Just to try to prove to myself that it's real. It's not all holocausts and slavery.
Also, still think work is basically wonderful. When compared to the previous jobs I've had. You see, it could be worse. Could be a story, Slave Training. First: just put them through hellraiser type environment. So my work, it could be much, much worse. This I know very well. And must remember. Other than that. It's still ugly capitalism. Middle management isn't very intelligent. In fact intelligent people just don't go into middle management it seems. I've noticed this over and over again, job after job. It takes a stupid sort of person to be the overseer. And of course, the overseer is someone to fear, someone who will crack the whip. And because, again, they're not very intelligent, they might misassess you at anytime. At any time on a whim, your life could be destroyed.
And again, it's capitalism. No matter the technological innovation, the people who have jobs will always be working about as much as they can stand. And the "ruling class" figures the best way to keep them up on this edge is through fear.
Middle management, IOW the overseers, keep the fear on. That's what they're there for. What kind of person wants to be the overseer? I notice also, they DO NOT take a fellow worker, someone who's been out with working with the rest of us for years and years and make them overseers. It has to be someone farther away. So, they take someone who's only been a nurse 6 months, but has some connection, and give her a high ranking position. Or someone who's not even from the hospital. Or from some other area of the hospital who hardly even knows that specialty.
Such is how it is because, your boss isn't your friend in capitalism. The system works by fear so they can't be your friend. But it could be worse. Way, way, way worse. This job is a paradise compared to my previous jobs in both science and engineering.
Been sleeping so good these last few days. Possibly because I'm sleeping at night. Possibly because I've so long off (6 days) that work is far away enough that I've just not thought about it (thus no stress). Possibly the exercise.
From reading the end of Omnivore's Dillemma am eating a lot of mushrooms. Wonder the nutritional benefits of them. Perhaps they have some unknown benefits? Been frying them with onions and Earth Balance then adding rice, broccoli, peas, etc. Tastes very good. So easy actually to make.
So the lunges I had been doing are similar but a higher intensity which I was thinking could cause me going into overtraining/insomnia. So switched to riding a bike. First ride 4 days ago on Thursday for an hour. On Friday I ran 2 miles in 20 minutes, rested 3 minutes and ran an additional mile in 11 minutes. Rested and ran half a mile in 4:25. The previous run I had managed 2 miles in 20:45 a week earlier, but with 5 pound dumbells. Rode a bike another hour on Saturday (bit faster than previously, 5 minute improved ment for 30 minutes, much greater improvement for an hour). Today, Sunday, ran 2 miles in 18:26. Rested 90 seconds and ran another mile in 10 minutes. Rested again and ran another half mile in 4:13. Huge improvments. Ridiculous considering how long I can otherwise plateau at slower times.
Cautiously must say, this running is making my back entirely better. Last night even slept on stomach and didn't wake up with any pain. More and more such is the case.
After almost beating my rightwing brother-in-law to a bloody pulp at christmas had decided to avoid him permantly to avoid ending up in jail. All kinds of fights have ensued with parents who would much rather me risk jail and show up to eat a meal (that isn't even considerate to veganism anyway) a few times a year as if it even matters. As if the considerable risk has any kind of reward anyway beyond some paper thin facade. So to avoid endless more arguments and fights being forced to eat Easter dinner today. As the actual me has never existed with my parents. Me almost losing it and turning rightwing dumbass into mush is dismissed as not real. So in future will do best to switch work schedules with people such that I work all holidays. Never cared much about holidays anyway.
But the running is such fun. How I've missed being able to move with a bit of speed for an extended distance. The bike riding is actually better also. Beautiful weather now also. Feel like documenting how beautiful my house is, etc right now. Just to try to prove to myself that it's real. It's not all holocausts and slavery.
Also, still think work is basically wonderful. When compared to the previous jobs I've had. You see, it could be worse. Could be a story, Slave Training. First: just put them through hellraiser type environment. So my work, it could be much, much worse. This I know very well. And must remember. Other than that. It's still ugly capitalism. Middle management isn't very intelligent. In fact intelligent people just don't go into middle management it seems. I've noticed this over and over again, job after job. It takes a stupid sort of person to be the overseer. And of course, the overseer is someone to fear, someone who will crack the whip. And because, again, they're not very intelligent, they might misassess you at anytime. At any time on a whim, your life could be destroyed.
And again, it's capitalism. No matter the technological innovation, the people who have jobs will always be working about as much as they can stand. And the "ruling class" figures the best way to keep them up on this edge is through fear.
Middle management, IOW the overseers, keep the fear on. That's what they're there for. What kind of person wants to be the overseer? I notice also, they DO NOT take a fellow worker, someone who's been out with working with the rest of us for years and years and make them overseers. It has to be someone farther away. So, they take someone who's only been a nurse 6 months, but has some connection, and give her a high ranking position. Or someone who's not even from the hospital. Or from some other area of the hospital who hardly even knows that specialty.
Such is how it is because, your boss isn't your friend in capitalism. The system works by fear so they can't be your friend. But it could be worse. Way, way, way worse. This job is a paradise compared to my previous jobs in both science and engineering.
Been sleeping so good these last few days. Possibly because I'm sleeping at night. Possibly because I've so long off (6 days) that work is far away enough that I've just not thought about it (thus no stress). Possibly the exercise.
From reading the end of Omnivore's Dillemma am eating a lot of mushrooms. Wonder the nutritional benefits of them. Perhaps they have some unknown benefits? Been frying them with onions and Earth Balance then adding rice, broccoli, peas, etc. Tastes very good. So easy actually to make.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
She walks in the large report room in the morning for a day shift: "___, I heard all you did all night was watch Tales From The Darkside!"
What response am I supposed to give? Is this supposed to be funny? Or is she accusing me of being lazy? What's funny about it? The look on my face I suppose, as I sit there baffled, annoyed and slightly fearful of how I can respond to these constant disparaging remarks. Yes, that's real funny I'm sure to her.
----
(Phone rings, I look at the caller ID. Same number that's called at least ten times tonight. They've called so many times we don't bother to introduce ourselves to each other.) I pick up and say: "1134A's in the bathroom."
"Yes, thank you."
"Thank you."
She overhears and says: "Is that how you answer the phone?" Then pantomines what I said but while sounding vaguely retarded.
Is she just being funny or should I defend myself by explaining the whole situation to this person who isn't my boss? Other than explaining what am I supposed to do? Laugh? There's nothing funny at all whatsoever. Just completely ignore her? Then am I being rude in her eyes?
----
i walk into the med room. She's in there with another nurse. With a perfectly serious look on her face she says: "I was back in Stepdown for 15 minutes and I didn't see anyone."
Then she waits expectantly for a response...
"I was in with a patient doing trach care and some other things."
Still very serious and admonishing: "____, someone needs to be back there at all times." Then looks at me with an expectant and still serious face.
"...are you trying to be funny or something?"
The other girl there looking uncomfortable finally manages a laugh and says: "JM is always trying to be funny."
The first girl smiles and says: "Trying? I am funny!" Then walks away.
----
Way back as a nurses aide this person actually took me aside for a private meeting to discuss my failings as a nurses aide. She was full of shit then. Claiming I had done things I hadn't. She was just trying to help me out she said. She was 'concerned' for me. Instead of getting annoyed with her I held my tongue and acted as if I was grateful for her kind guidance in the incredibly complex duties of wiping very sick people's asses.
Still she apparently managed to get upset based on this inappropriate private meeting she had with me. As she then bizarrely ran around talking to the air about being open with people and just getting something negative in return. Wish I remembered the exact words. Surely she was talking about me. But I was sitting right there. And I had tried to be civil with her for her private meeting. How effing bizarre. Er, what the hell am I supposed to do with such as that?
Then followed 6 months of constant jokes about how I couldn't even pull people up in bed.
---
Then two nurses years with 20 years experience apparently tried to have a 'private meeting' with her. To discuss her inappropriate behavior. Excessive flirting with doctors. Spending 50% of her time just following around some guy who worked there instead of taking care of her patients. Instead of going to the boss they attempted to talk to her. Exactly as she had earlier complained that she wished people would do with one another.
She utterly dismissed what they said and has now spent a solid year smearing them behind their back. Walking into a crowd of ten employees and going on and on about it. Basically literally making sure everyone knows how awful they are. And indeed successfully turning some people against them.
What do I do with such a person? Who is now coming to full time night shift to constantly be passive aggressive with me. She confronts me as perfectly serious as can be, constantly. Then just waits for a reaction from me. Why? She gets a kick out of me not knowing how in the hell to respond to her constant attacks. Then, usually, claims, "Oh I was just kidding." Etc. But at the same time she's clearly not joking.
What response am I supposed to give? Is this supposed to be funny? Or is she accusing me of being lazy? What's funny about it? The look on my face I suppose, as I sit there baffled, annoyed and slightly fearful of how I can respond to these constant disparaging remarks. Yes, that's real funny I'm sure to her.
----
(Phone rings, I look at the caller ID. Same number that's called at least ten times tonight. They've called so many times we don't bother to introduce ourselves to each other.) I pick up and say: "1134A's in the bathroom."
"Yes, thank you."
"Thank you."
She overhears and says: "Is that how you answer the phone?" Then pantomines what I said but while sounding vaguely retarded.
Is she just being funny or should I defend myself by explaining the whole situation to this person who isn't my boss? Other than explaining what am I supposed to do? Laugh? There's nothing funny at all whatsoever. Just completely ignore her? Then am I being rude in her eyes?
----
i walk into the med room. She's in there with another nurse. With a perfectly serious look on her face she says: "I was back in Stepdown for 15 minutes and I didn't see anyone."
Then she waits expectantly for a response...
"I was in with a patient doing trach care and some other things."
Still very serious and admonishing: "____, someone needs to be back there at all times." Then looks at me with an expectant and still serious face.
"...are you trying to be funny or something?"
The other girl there looking uncomfortable finally manages a laugh and says: "JM is always trying to be funny."
The first girl smiles and says: "Trying? I am funny!" Then walks away.
----
Way back as a nurses aide this person actually took me aside for a private meeting to discuss my failings as a nurses aide. She was full of shit then. Claiming I had done things I hadn't. She was just trying to help me out she said. She was 'concerned' for me. Instead of getting annoyed with her I held my tongue and acted as if I was grateful for her kind guidance in the incredibly complex duties of wiping very sick people's asses.
Still she apparently managed to get upset based on this inappropriate private meeting she had with me. As she then bizarrely ran around talking to the air about being open with people and just getting something negative in return. Wish I remembered the exact words. Surely she was talking about me. But I was sitting right there. And I had tried to be civil with her for her private meeting. How effing bizarre. Er, what the hell am I supposed to do with such as that?
Then followed 6 months of constant jokes about how I couldn't even pull people up in bed.
---
Then two nurses years with 20 years experience apparently tried to have a 'private meeting' with her. To discuss her inappropriate behavior. Excessive flirting with doctors. Spending 50% of her time just following around some guy who worked there instead of taking care of her patients. Instead of going to the boss they attempted to talk to her. Exactly as she had earlier complained that she wished people would do with one another.
She utterly dismissed what they said and has now spent a solid year smearing them behind their back. Walking into a crowd of ten employees and going on and on about it. Basically literally making sure everyone knows how awful they are. And indeed successfully turning some people against them.
What do I do with such a person? Who is now coming to full time night shift to constantly be passive aggressive with me. She confronts me as perfectly serious as can be, constantly. Then just waits for a reaction from me. Why? She gets a kick out of me not knowing how in the hell to respond to her constant attacks. Then, usually, claims, "Oh I was just kidding." Etc. But at the same time she's clearly not joking.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Mostly finished moving. It's a beautiful house. Doesn't really feel like mine. One of my speakers blew. But it was free (a nice one too). And coincidentally someone just offered me some other really good speakers.
-
...Saints would maybe have awful humor. Because that which is unexpectedly wrong is funny. So they'd think treating people badly was unexpected? Lady at work is either a saint or just very passive agressive. A year or so back I apparently didn't pull exactly on the count of three for pulling up some lady in bed (someone so light that I could pull up with one hand by myself). For an entire year she then made sure to mention that I couldn't even pull people up in bed, while making it sound like she was just joking around. Everytime I see her she makes some such disaparaging remark as if it's a joke.
Today she says, "I heard all you did all night was watch Tales From The Darkside!" (Haha!) (...How the hell is that even funny?) I worked my effing ass off. I didn't stop moving the first 6 hours I was there. But she makes it sound like she's joking, so defending myself would be inappropriate, but at the same time... like I really did just sit on my ass all night. Every single time it's something like this and I'm getting incredibly fucking tired of her.
This time though the big thing was a doctor told me something that I was afraid might kill a patient. Rather than get into a big argument with an inexperienced doctor, I asked a few experienced nurses what to do and they gave what seemed like good advice. Good advice when not taking into account that this saint/passive agressive lady was my replacement. I don't think it's because she's a saint. It would be nice if such were the case. I'm fatigued at the moment and really sick of her criticisms of the last year or so. In this case she acted as if she couldn't understand what I was asking her to do, the cooperation I was asking and instead put me in the position of potentially getting in huge trouble; acting like she was clueless that she was doing so. And as if not following a doctor's orders was no big deal. There comes a point when where after three days of sleep deprivation and 14 hour work days, when someone's been having a go at you for a year plus where I really want to just tell her off. Ask her if she understands the concept of being passive aggressive, etc.
But there's actually no way at all to even attempt to point out there's any problem with her behavior. A year ago two much more experienced nurses tried to take her aside and give some helpful criticism about her behavior. She's spent the last year smearing them behind their back as a result. And it appears management took her side. At least appears.
I think she probably is just being passive aggressive and doesn't even realize it. One has to somehow try to get along with such people. Or at the least get them to focus on going after someone else. Or you eventually get fired. Management certainly doesn't want to be bothered with the petty little fights. I guess a thing to remember is that it doesn't appear that her constant disparaging remarks have caused (hardly) anyone else to think I'm a bad worker. Although let's see what she does with this latest one. I expect her to try to ruin me. I'll spend my three days off thinking about it.
I would really like to ask her sometime, "Is that supposed to be funny or are you just trying to make it sound funny so that you can get away with constantly criticizing me?"
The other side is that of sainthood.
Say a person has some work stress, issues of being unfairly smeared as a slacker and/or as inept (such issues are in the back of probably every single worker's mind). To relieve such stress you pretend like such issues aren't really expected wrongs. You pretend like they're unexpected and constantly bring them up as if they're jokes to try to help deal with them, negate them.
Except I don't know if you're actually a saint. At times you really don't appear to be one. And more often than not you're not even remotely funny.
Was thinking the position of The Left is thinking the best of others usually. I've tried to do so. Usually I get angry, think negatively of people exactly because they clearly aren't thinking the best of others. The problem is that you leave yourself wide open to be hurt when you're always thinking good of everyone. Is this lady some kind of bizarre passive aggressive person who is trying to ruin me or is she really some kind of saint?
I'm probably just incredibly sleep deprived. Tried a new exercise program. High rep stuff which quickly gets me in better shape. But has caused insomnia. I should have taken some benedryl I guess at least. I'm dead tired. Feel as if I've had about as much as I can stand.
-
...Saints would maybe have awful humor. Because that which is unexpectedly wrong is funny. So they'd think treating people badly was unexpected? Lady at work is either a saint or just very passive agressive. A year or so back I apparently didn't pull exactly on the count of three for pulling up some lady in bed (someone so light that I could pull up with one hand by myself). For an entire year she then made sure to mention that I couldn't even pull people up in bed, while making it sound like she was just joking around. Everytime I see her she makes some such disaparaging remark as if it's a joke.
Today she says, "I heard all you did all night was watch Tales From The Darkside!" (Haha!) (...How the hell is that even funny?) I worked my effing ass off. I didn't stop moving the first 6 hours I was there. But she makes it sound like she's joking, so defending myself would be inappropriate, but at the same time... like I really did just sit on my ass all night. Every single time it's something like this and I'm getting incredibly fucking tired of her.
This time though the big thing was a doctor told me something that I was afraid might kill a patient. Rather than get into a big argument with an inexperienced doctor, I asked a few experienced nurses what to do and they gave what seemed like good advice. Good advice when not taking into account that this saint/passive agressive lady was my replacement. I don't think it's because she's a saint. It would be nice if such were the case. I'm fatigued at the moment and really sick of her criticisms of the last year or so. In this case she acted as if she couldn't understand what I was asking her to do, the cooperation I was asking and instead put me in the position of potentially getting in huge trouble; acting like she was clueless that she was doing so. And as if not following a doctor's orders was no big deal. There comes a point when where after three days of sleep deprivation and 14 hour work days, when someone's been having a go at you for a year plus where I really want to just tell her off. Ask her if she understands the concept of being passive aggressive, etc.
But there's actually no way at all to even attempt to point out there's any problem with her behavior. A year ago two much more experienced nurses tried to take her aside and give some helpful criticism about her behavior. She's spent the last year smearing them behind their back as a result. And it appears management took her side. At least appears.
I think she probably is just being passive aggressive and doesn't even realize it. One has to somehow try to get along with such people. Or at the least get them to focus on going after someone else. Or you eventually get fired. Management certainly doesn't want to be bothered with the petty little fights. I guess a thing to remember is that it doesn't appear that her constant disparaging remarks have caused (hardly) anyone else to think I'm a bad worker. Although let's see what she does with this latest one. I expect her to try to ruin me. I'll spend my three days off thinking about it.
I would really like to ask her sometime, "Is that supposed to be funny or are you just trying to make it sound funny so that you can get away with constantly criticizing me?"
The other side is that of sainthood.
Say a person has some work stress, issues of being unfairly smeared as a slacker and/or as inept (such issues are in the back of probably every single worker's mind). To relieve such stress you pretend like such issues aren't really expected wrongs. You pretend like they're unexpected and constantly bring them up as if they're jokes to try to help deal with them, negate them.
Except I don't know if you're actually a saint. At times you really don't appear to be one. And more often than not you're not even remotely funny.
Was thinking the position of The Left is thinking the best of others usually. I've tried to do so. Usually I get angry, think negatively of people exactly because they clearly aren't thinking the best of others. The problem is that you leave yourself wide open to be hurt when you're always thinking good of everyone. Is this lady some kind of bizarre passive aggressive person who is trying to ruin me or is she really some kind of saint?
I'm probably just incredibly sleep deprived. Tried a new exercise program. High rep stuff which quickly gets me in better shape. But has caused insomnia. I should have taken some benedryl I guess at least. I'm dead tired. Feel as if I've had about as much as I can stand.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I read Guy Gavriel Kay's viking fantasy, something about Light of the Sun... title made no sense relative to the book that I could see. I've read half of another titled Prospero's Children. And part of that Gene Wolfe ancient Greece book.
None of these people know how to properly tell a story. OTOH Robin Hobb is king. I shall attempt to start putting together a story/ies keeping Hobb's expert writing in mind.
I've spent the last 4 days laid up with I guess back spasms. Not too painful but I can't stand up straight and can hardly walk (not too painful unless I try to stand up straight). The worst part is just watching the time pass by, praying I'll have healed enough to go work for 14 hours (on my feet probably a good 5) on Monday night. I already called off for Friday night. If I call off Monday night that will be two call offs. We get 5 for an entire year. At which point we receive a written infraction (whatever that means). Fired at 11.
Which is absurd. It's a hospital by the way. This means people routinely come to work sick and spread their diseases to their patients. It should be against the law to have such a policy about sick days at a hospital. It is a threat to the public's health.
It's not as big a deal for me as I usually go years at a time without catching colds or flus. But the back thing worries me. It seems to be an increasingly chronic problem. Will have to start taking additional steps to try to fix this problem. But it seems to follow no rhyme or reason...
I don't think sitting in a chair is really a good idea so for now I lay in bed praying I'll heal enough to handle work Monday night. It's not looking like I'll quite be better enough that I should attempt such a thing. I suppose I could get out my old laptop and try to outline some kind of template while I lay in bed...
At some point I need to actually truly begin the writing. I hold back almost as if I think my real life hasn't yet started.
--
I think Michael Harrison's justly toned piano is beautiful by the way. There is perhaps something positive to be said for the extra dissonance along with the extra consonance.
Despite going off into dissonance there still seems to be something limited about the songs he's written with it though. (Also the pounding repetitive dissonant tone clouds of song 4 and 10 are kind of awful.) If one stayed in consonance, just intonation IS limited. With Harrison, I think he's still staying enough within it (it still sounds like music) that it is limited. I want though to experiment with the same tuning next and see if it is indeed limited. Probably so.
Limited or not, when working instead with VST technology it might make more sense to add many additional tones to the standard 12 to potentially remove dissonance from the just intonation (so you had a choice). So for example, having a second D note that was tuned to be consonant (1.5/1) with the originally justly tuned A note, etc. Although this concept taken all the way could mean a huge scale. One could instead limit this scale somewhat, maybe just tripling it for example to add more possibility, if indeed the justly toned 12 is as limited (although beautiful) as it appears in Harrison's work.
This does appear to come back somewhat to the justonic concept. Although is a combination of the two and was thinking might be easier or lazier to not actually bother with justonic and instead just make a separate scala file that added additional... secondary D, E notes, etc.
But there are all kinds of additional issues. Does one retune the additional notes based on the triad or the fifth, etc? There is no answer really. Would depend on each individual song. Would be very complicated.
About the justonic: I don't even think the justonic really makes all that much sense either. You play for example a C/E/G chord, then a D/F/A followed by a E/G/B chord in succession. In just intonation the first is perfect consonance, the following two are dissonant. But using the justonic, say where it used the lowest note as the root, all would be consonant, but the last G would be a different G than the first.
What this is to say, is that the step up by the middle note would be different than the step up by the bottom note... I think this in and of itself is similar to the issue of dissonance. I need to hear extended music written with justonic. I think it would have a vertigo-like effect.
None of these people know how to properly tell a story. OTOH Robin Hobb is king. I shall attempt to start putting together a story/ies keeping Hobb's expert writing in mind.
I've spent the last 4 days laid up with I guess back spasms. Not too painful but I can't stand up straight and can hardly walk (not too painful unless I try to stand up straight). The worst part is just watching the time pass by, praying I'll have healed enough to go work for 14 hours (on my feet probably a good 5) on Monday night. I already called off for Friday night. If I call off Monday night that will be two call offs. We get 5 for an entire year. At which point we receive a written infraction (whatever that means). Fired at 11.
Which is absurd. It's a hospital by the way. This means people routinely come to work sick and spread their diseases to their patients. It should be against the law to have such a policy about sick days at a hospital. It is a threat to the public's health.
It's not as big a deal for me as I usually go years at a time without catching colds or flus. But the back thing worries me. It seems to be an increasingly chronic problem. Will have to start taking additional steps to try to fix this problem. But it seems to follow no rhyme or reason...
I don't think sitting in a chair is really a good idea so for now I lay in bed praying I'll heal enough to handle work Monday night. It's not looking like I'll quite be better enough that I should attempt such a thing. I suppose I could get out my old laptop and try to outline some kind of template while I lay in bed...
At some point I need to actually truly begin the writing. I hold back almost as if I think my real life hasn't yet started.
--
I think Michael Harrison's justly toned piano is beautiful by the way. There is perhaps something positive to be said for the extra dissonance along with the extra consonance.
Despite going off into dissonance there still seems to be something limited about the songs he's written with it though. (Also the pounding repetitive dissonant tone clouds of song 4 and 10 are kind of awful.) If one stayed in consonance, just intonation IS limited. With Harrison, I think he's still staying enough within it (it still sounds like music) that it is limited. I want though to experiment with the same tuning next and see if it is indeed limited. Probably so.
Limited or not, when working instead with VST technology it might make more sense to add many additional tones to the standard 12 to potentially remove dissonance from the just intonation (so you had a choice). So for example, having a second D note that was tuned to be consonant (1.5/1) with the originally justly tuned A note, etc. Although this concept taken all the way could mean a huge scale. One could instead limit this scale somewhat, maybe just tripling it for example to add more possibility, if indeed the justly toned 12 is as limited (although beautiful) as it appears in Harrison's work.
This does appear to come back somewhat to the justonic concept. Although is a combination of the two and was thinking might be easier or lazier to not actually bother with justonic and instead just make a separate scala file that added additional... secondary D, E notes, etc.
But there are all kinds of additional issues. Does one retune the additional notes based on the triad or the fifth, etc? There is no answer really. Would depend on each individual song. Would be very complicated.
About the justonic: I don't even think the justonic really makes all that much sense either. You play for example a C/E/G chord, then a D/F/A followed by a E/G/B chord in succession. In just intonation the first is perfect consonance, the following two are dissonant. But using the justonic, say where it used the lowest note as the root, all would be consonant, but the last G would be a different G than the first.
What this is to say, is that the step up by the middle note would be different than the step up by the bottom note... I think this in and of itself is similar to the issue of dissonance. I need to hear extended music written with justonic. I think it would have a vertigo-like effect.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Me and my wife just had a laughing contest. Each person stares at the other until one person genuinely laughs. Good fun.
-
Thought of a music video where the visual image would be that of one insect eating another alive (or should it be multiple examples?). What would the music sound like that went with it?
Real live monsters doing the most unspeakable acts to each other... It's like they're some kind of humorous psudeo subtle reminder by the way. What if instead they looked just like human beings (but still seemed relatively mindless) and there were chainsaw wielding species that went around killing and eating damsel in distress species?
There's something Phillip K. Dick about them but worse. He was mostly just losing reality. What if reality was not only being lost, but was being replaced by some other reality? What if you had suspicions the more realistic way of seeing the world was actually quite horrible and you had these tiny little monsters around you, which you're supposed to just ignore, which are constantly eating each other alive. In literaure, such things can almost serve as foreshadowing, or symbolism for the 'reality' of the situation in the story.
You can imagine a world where these bugs were the size of humans. Imagine say a battlefield of ants. Attacking a dying boring bee. It's not dead yet but they're already eating it alive. To be down in such a world is a nightmare world. No matter you're an entomologist and 'love' insects. They're eating each other alive constantly. They have extremely short life spans. They're often such mindless and yet highly specialized killing machines.
That they're so tiny is humorous. They're all around us. We're supposed to just ignore them and focus on Jesus or whatever as we sludge through our days. But there they are, sometimes there's minature flying monsters on my computer screen at this time of day. They're in effect saying, "Hey, guess what? Guess what the truth is of this world?" But we just ignore this other reality which is right on top of our own reality.
But at the same time they seem a beautiful miracle. That life can be so diverse. The boring bees on my porch would always get right up in my face. I like bees. How can such things exist? Have life?
-
What about a fictitious story that began in 1933 Germany, but then consisted of a way that the Jews managed to get the Nazi's past all that ugliness and they all learned to love one another instead? What in the world would it have taken to make that happen instead?
-
I have bicuspid aortic valve. I've known this for almost 30 years. I finally bothered to research it on the internet this week. I won't go into the complicated reasons I never did before. Apparently the last few doctors I've seen the last 5 or 6 years didn't have a clue. Apparently I really shouldn't be doing any heavy weight lifting or sprinting/jumping as both raise my blood pressure too much. Such is what I was originally told as a child. Was told I shouldn't even run. And that I would have to have open heart surgery before the age of 15.
But I had no pain, or symptoms at all when I ran and played. Just sharp pains when I was sitting around doing nothing. And I was so full of energy to run around and play. It was too much to do to such a kid. My parents even agreed. So we ignored the doctors advice. And I did everything. Including boxing (beat two state champions), powerlifting (even got third place in a big tournament once in the 242 class), general very heavy weight lifting (have done a chinup with an extra 140 pounds attached to me at 220 pounds bodyweight), basketball (could do a 360 two hand slam), run very long distances (although like a snail on that one), etc.
Through all such things never had any chest pain, thus figured the doctors were FOS. ...but here and there always had very sharp pains right over top my heart, thus I still worried I might keel over at any moment...
I finally quit worrying about it a few years ago on one doctor's advice, who said they now know such exercise makes no difference. And the pain I described couldn't possibly be the result of anything wrong with my heart. Probably some unimportant lung issue... A great weight off my shoulders...
Then even those sharp pains I'd had all my life went away.
But now, a new feeling has come. A strange fluttering feeling in my chest. Which caused me to finally use the damm internet and research my condition.
Now I see she didn't know what she was talking about. (Or perhaps figured lying would be better for me?)
I apparently really shouldn't be doing any heavy weight lifting. Or sprinting.
It appears I really have to be a wimp from now on. I have to live as if I'm broken.
And still chances are good I'll have to have my chest cracked open within the next 20 years.
-
Treated like hell at work this morning. It's actually hard enough I think to work one's ass off for 12 hours without then getting quizzed on every little irrelevant detail of each patient and then treated like shit if you can't remember each 100 of those new facts you could be attempting to memorize about each new set of patients.
No, I don't remember off the top of my head (of course it is all written down) the exact diameter of each patient's pupils when each patient doesn't even have anything wrong with their eyes, etc. My one boss tells me to just treat each report like a quiz. She's kind of a dumbass. The unfortunate thing about work is that both my bosses are... straying in that direction. Somehow, so far, they like me. But they ruin people's morale by telling them such things, to treat every single day at work as if there will be a big quiz at the end, that each day, after 12 hours, at which point you're exhausted, now take a test on every little thing you just did. I hope you were concentrating on every little endless unimportant detail. I hope you memorized it all. Now after you've reported it. Dump it. And memorize another endless string of useless info the next day. Repeat for 20 years until you suddenly get fired 6 months before retirement (which I've heard of happening quite often.)
The way I was treated today... it seemed like a setup. Don't want to go into the ugly details. Anyway afterwards I could look down at my chest and through my clothes I could count my heartbeats by sight. Treated in such a manner after working my ass off. 52 hours in the last 4 days. Such is life. Hopefully I'll be able to run myself through the ground trying to help, help, help people for a few decades before someone destroys me or my heart gives out.
-
81 and 82 rock.
------------
http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/what-happens/#more-7422
-
Thought of a music video where the visual image would be that of one insect eating another alive (or should it be multiple examples?). What would the music sound like that went with it?
Real live monsters doing the most unspeakable acts to each other... It's like they're some kind of humorous psudeo subtle reminder by the way. What if instead they looked just like human beings (but still seemed relatively mindless) and there were chainsaw wielding species that went around killing and eating damsel in distress species?
There's something Phillip K. Dick about them but worse. He was mostly just losing reality. What if reality was not only being lost, but was being replaced by some other reality? What if you had suspicions the more realistic way of seeing the world was actually quite horrible and you had these tiny little monsters around you, which you're supposed to just ignore, which are constantly eating each other alive. In literaure, such things can almost serve as foreshadowing, or symbolism for the 'reality' of the situation in the story.
You can imagine a world where these bugs were the size of humans. Imagine say a battlefield of ants. Attacking a dying boring bee. It's not dead yet but they're already eating it alive. To be down in such a world is a nightmare world. No matter you're an entomologist and 'love' insects. They're eating each other alive constantly. They have extremely short life spans. They're often such mindless and yet highly specialized killing machines.
That they're so tiny is humorous. They're all around us. We're supposed to just ignore them and focus on Jesus or whatever as we sludge through our days. But there they are, sometimes there's minature flying monsters on my computer screen at this time of day. They're in effect saying, "Hey, guess what? Guess what the truth is of this world?" But we just ignore this other reality which is right on top of our own reality.
But at the same time they seem a beautiful miracle. That life can be so diverse. The boring bees on my porch would always get right up in my face. I like bees. How can such things exist? Have life?
-
What about a fictitious story that began in 1933 Germany, but then consisted of a way that the Jews managed to get the Nazi's past all that ugliness and they all learned to love one another instead? What in the world would it have taken to make that happen instead?
-
I have bicuspid aortic valve. I've known this for almost 30 years. I finally bothered to research it on the internet this week. I won't go into the complicated reasons I never did before. Apparently the last few doctors I've seen the last 5 or 6 years didn't have a clue. Apparently I really shouldn't be doing any heavy weight lifting or sprinting/jumping as both raise my blood pressure too much. Such is what I was originally told as a child. Was told I shouldn't even run. And that I would have to have open heart surgery before the age of 15.
But I had no pain, or symptoms at all when I ran and played. Just sharp pains when I was sitting around doing nothing. And I was so full of energy to run around and play. It was too much to do to such a kid. My parents even agreed. So we ignored the doctors advice. And I did everything. Including boxing (beat two state champions), powerlifting (even got third place in a big tournament once in the 242 class), general very heavy weight lifting (have done a chinup with an extra 140 pounds attached to me at 220 pounds bodyweight), basketball (could do a 360 two hand slam), run very long distances (although like a snail on that one), etc.
Through all such things never had any chest pain, thus figured the doctors were FOS. ...but here and there always had very sharp pains right over top my heart, thus I still worried I might keel over at any moment...
I finally quit worrying about it a few years ago on one doctor's advice, who said they now know such exercise makes no difference. And the pain I described couldn't possibly be the result of anything wrong with my heart. Probably some unimportant lung issue... A great weight off my shoulders...
Then even those sharp pains I'd had all my life went away.
But now, a new feeling has come. A strange fluttering feeling in my chest. Which caused me to finally use the damm internet and research my condition.
Now I see she didn't know what she was talking about. (Or perhaps figured lying would be better for me?)
I apparently really shouldn't be doing any heavy weight lifting. Or sprinting.
It appears I really have to be a wimp from now on. I have to live as if I'm broken.
And still chances are good I'll have to have my chest cracked open within the next 20 years.
-
Treated like hell at work this morning. It's actually hard enough I think to work one's ass off for 12 hours without then getting quizzed on every little irrelevant detail of each patient and then treated like shit if you can't remember each 100 of those new facts you could be attempting to memorize about each new set of patients.
No, I don't remember off the top of my head (of course it is all written down) the exact diameter of each patient's pupils when each patient doesn't even have anything wrong with their eyes, etc. My one boss tells me to just treat each report like a quiz. She's kind of a dumbass. The unfortunate thing about work is that both my bosses are... straying in that direction. Somehow, so far, they like me. But they ruin people's morale by telling them such things, to treat every single day at work as if there will be a big quiz at the end, that each day, after 12 hours, at which point you're exhausted, now take a test on every little thing you just did. I hope you were concentrating on every little endless unimportant detail. I hope you memorized it all. Now after you've reported it. Dump it. And memorize another endless string of useless info the next day. Repeat for 20 years until you suddenly get fired 6 months before retirement (which I've heard of happening quite often.)
The way I was treated today... it seemed like a setup. Don't want to go into the ugly details. Anyway afterwards I could look down at my chest and through my clothes I could count my heartbeats by sight. Treated in such a manner after working my ass off. 52 hours in the last 4 days. Such is life. Hopefully I'll be able to run myself through the ground trying to help, help, help people for a few decades before someone destroys me or my heart gives out.
-
81 and 82 rock.
------------
http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/what-happens/#more-7422
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I think I love work. People seem so good there.
Then on the other hand, I look in other places and people appear so awful.
I think it's because people are good as long as there's no danger in being good. But as soon as one thinks acting 'morally' might result in getting attacked, the good people get real scarce.
It does seem though that in order to take morality any distance at all, it means being strong enough to continue being moral despite getting attacked.
But in reality too much morality results in such people being less likely to successfully reproduce.
For example, if you thought christianity was resulting in people being treated badly, etc, and spoke out about it, there were a lot of times in history where they killed you. If you spoke out against the Nazis while living in Germany, you very well could have died.
Whenever you're in the minority, if you point out that the leaders, the people who are primarily establishing social norms, are wrong in some way, they're going to see you as a threat to their rule and possibly kill you. That's how it's been for humankind for all of history. Being 'moral', acting 'altruistically', was only acceptable provided it didn't go against the men with the power.
...And so, I love the people I work with at the hospital. Such essentially good people. I love going to work. Then I look... elsewhere. My god, such indifference as far as the eye can see. (And that's a long damm way thanks to the internet.) But it's no wonder at all that almost no one speaks out against the immoral actions of those with power. Throughout mankind's history doing so has almost always meant dying. And through killing such people, humans today are generally a lot more selfish and stupid then they'd otherwise be.
It is a sort of genocide.
"Moralicide"?
Still I love work. What a wonderful place. I hope to work as a nurse for decades. Even if I finally get that trust fund my stepfather first said I'd get then strangely denied having said (haha), still think I'd have to continue working there at least a few days a week. Just such a positive place. (Even with constantly being over worked and basically no patient ever truly getting quite the quality of care they should get.) Still, the work is so positive. The people are good.
And it's a damm good thing I love work because outside of work I keep not turning away from such ugly truths and it's tough to stand.
Then on the other hand, I look in other places and people appear so awful.
I think it's because people are good as long as there's no danger in being good. But as soon as one thinks acting 'morally' might result in getting attacked, the good people get real scarce.
It does seem though that in order to take morality any distance at all, it means being strong enough to continue being moral despite getting attacked.
But in reality too much morality results in such people being less likely to successfully reproduce.
For example, if you thought christianity was resulting in people being treated badly, etc, and spoke out about it, there were a lot of times in history where they killed you. If you spoke out against the Nazis while living in Germany, you very well could have died.
Whenever you're in the minority, if you point out that the leaders, the people who are primarily establishing social norms, are wrong in some way, they're going to see you as a threat to their rule and possibly kill you. That's how it's been for humankind for all of history. Being 'moral', acting 'altruistically', was only acceptable provided it didn't go against the men with the power.
...And so, I love the people I work with at the hospital. Such essentially good people. I love going to work. Then I look... elsewhere. My god, such indifference as far as the eye can see. (And that's a long damm way thanks to the internet.) But it's no wonder at all that almost no one speaks out against the immoral actions of those with power. Throughout mankind's history doing so has almost always meant dying. And through killing such people, humans today are generally a lot more selfish and stupid then they'd otherwise be.
It is a sort of genocide.
"Moralicide"?
Still I love work. What a wonderful place. I hope to work as a nurse for decades. Even if I finally get that trust fund my stepfather first said I'd get then strangely denied having said (haha), still think I'd have to continue working there at least a few days a week. Just such a positive place. (Even with constantly being over worked and basically no patient ever truly getting quite the quality of care they should get.) Still, the work is so positive. The people are good.
And it's a damm good thing I love work because outside of work I keep not turning away from such ugly truths and it's tough to stand.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Work can actually be kind of awful. And it's truly useful to practice the Fake Smile. It's good to pretend, I suppose when no other solution is going to happen anyway.
Very over worked today. For example supposed to check blood sugar before meals but too much work and they brought the trays early so some were checked during and after dinner. I spent hours just constantly moving. Eventually one forgets things. It just can't be helped. I had too many patients. And it's awful. Because this is life and death. This is a hospital. Some of these people are quite sick. One guy's intestine today was poking out through his colostomy hole. It reminded me of an uncircumsized penis.
Another guy was screaming bloody murder because his lithium levels were out of whack and they had him restrained. At the beginning of the day his screaming and threats made me feel a bit anxious. By the end of the day, it felt like the perfect background for the environment I was in.
The Fake Smile is the solution. Pass these women in the halls and flash that smile! Everything's juuuussst grrrrreat!
-
I'm dubious about people who work in university philosophy departments. Philosophy is a failure. So far. Like economics, ultimately I think. Economics is only allowed as long as it's supporting capitalism, more or less. That's what gets funded for the most part. Along the same lines philosophy that actually managed to start proving that the actions of the status quo were wrong... well we can't have that.
So, I don't know. To agree to be a part of all that, it seems could be a sort of conforming to a number of actions which aren't leading to the greatest possible good. OTOH, many philosophers consider themselves socialists and communists, etc.
-
...it seems to me the honest and unconformed thing to do would be to take stuff from your actual life and apply whatever philsophy you believe to it. I'm seeing a bunch of people who keep it fake instead. Who conform. Who aren't real. Who show no meaningful applications. Who are mired in defining words....
Zizek says philosophy isn't to answer questions but to pose better questions.
...which just means posing questions that can actually be answered and he isn't accomplishing that. Instead he's calling vegetarians degenerates. :eyeroll:
Very over worked today. For example supposed to check blood sugar before meals but too much work and they brought the trays early so some were checked during and after dinner. I spent hours just constantly moving. Eventually one forgets things. It just can't be helped. I had too many patients. And it's awful. Because this is life and death. This is a hospital. Some of these people are quite sick. One guy's intestine today was poking out through his colostomy hole. It reminded me of an uncircumsized penis.
Another guy was screaming bloody murder because his lithium levels were out of whack and they had him restrained. At the beginning of the day his screaming and threats made me feel a bit anxious. By the end of the day, it felt like the perfect background for the environment I was in.
The Fake Smile is the solution. Pass these women in the halls and flash that smile! Everything's juuuussst grrrrreat!
-
I'm dubious about people who work in university philosophy departments. Philosophy is a failure. So far. Like economics, ultimately I think. Economics is only allowed as long as it's supporting capitalism, more or less. That's what gets funded for the most part. Along the same lines philosophy that actually managed to start proving that the actions of the status quo were wrong... well we can't have that.
So, I don't know. To agree to be a part of all that, it seems could be a sort of conforming to a number of actions which aren't leading to the greatest possible good. OTOH, many philosophers consider themselves socialists and communists, etc.
-
...it seems to me the honest and unconformed thing to do would be to take stuff from your actual life and apply whatever philsophy you believe to it. I'm seeing a bunch of people who keep it fake instead. Who conform. Who aren't real. Who show no meaningful applications. Who are mired in defining words....
Zizek says philosophy isn't to answer questions but to pose better questions.
...which just means posing questions that can actually be answered and he isn't accomplishing that. Instead he's calling vegetarians degenerates. :eyeroll:
Friday, April 24, 2009
A person must have a certain amount of positive social interactions and euphoria to balance out the boredom and fear. Some people turn to drugs to quiet the fear which is otherwise a constant. A constant which stops them from having the positive social interactions, etc that are essential to a life worth living.
I need positive social interactions pretty much every single day to feel right. And just my wife isn't enough. Although email is a pale thing compared to how we've communicated for 99.9% of our evolution, even that definitely can make a positive difference in me.
I get a couple emails and I sit here with a happy little smile on my face. My wife walks in and asks what I'm smiling about and I didn't even realize I was happy and smiling.
Work is a huge part of what we are. Without work many people just sit at home. The social interactions there... you can't entirely be you. At least most people can't. It's a bit of an acting job. And first off, if you're and honest person, having to act in the first place can really bother you. Secondly, the acting of it is a form of dishonesty which keeps relationships less real and meaningful and instead quite pale and hollow. Yet, work is a huge part of our social interactions.
In fact without work, many people pretty quickly are just stuck at home with nothing. The positive social interactions of work, (pale and hollow though they are) gone. Replaced by what? The new craze is facebook. It's somewhat pale and hollow, like email but worse. Because you're out in public posting under your real name where what you've said is stored forever and ever, so be careful! Don't say anything that someone might disagree with!
Still, facebook, work, and even email, they are 'positive social interactions' that we Need.
I can see email in that sometimes it's good to be able to think a bit more of what you're saying and what the other person is saying. Where in a face to face talk I might just be like, "Duuuhhhh". (Probably not.)
There is an accumulative effect of these positive social interactions, even though they may be just at work or facebook or email. There is definitely something. Something beyond the actual information received. Something emotional. Some positive change that can occur.
But at the same time a couple of days without any of them and quite quickly it feels that something essential is missing. Not like a drug being taken away. But something that as a human being is simply essential.
I do think we should return to a sort of communal living. Was thinking of say a huge house with a common center (kitchen, etc) and then spokes coming out from it that could be private areas. We need more positive social interactions that have more honesty then you can have at work or facebook, that have more sensory input then you get from email or facebook.
And we need to learn to get along with one another better. Learn to be openminded instead of dropping one another in the search for people more closely identical.
...I could see each little communal house ended up like the Hatfield's and McCoy's. Today there is the idea that outside of the family people (some people will honestly admit) don't really give a shit about anyone. But the blood/marriage family doesn't really provide enough so we still do bother to some extent, bother with being nice, dealing with other people. The problem with a communcal house of 50.... 75, etc people is that it would come much closer to providing all the emotional involvements you need, such that you could truly say to hell with everyone else, and descend to neotribal wars.
I need positive social interactions pretty much every single day to feel right. And just my wife isn't enough. Although email is a pale thing compared to how we've communicated for 99.9% of our evolution, even that definitely can make a positive difference in me.
I get a couple emails and I sit here with a happy little smile on my face. My wife walks in and asks what I'm smiling about and I didn't even realize I was happy and smiling.
Work is a huge part of what we are. Without work many people just sit at home. The social interactions there... you can't entirely be you. At least most people can't. It's a bit of an acting job. And first off, if you're and honest person, having to act in the first place can really bother you. Secondly, the acting of it is a form of dishonesty which keeps relationships less real and meaningful and instead quite pale and hollow. Yet, work is a huge part of our social interactions.
In fact without work, many people pretty quickly are just stuck at home with nothing. The positive social interactions of work, (pale and hollow though they are) gone. Replaced by what? The new craze is facebook. It's somewhat pale and hollow, like email but worse. Because you're out in public posting under your real name where what you've said is stored forever and ever, so be careful! Don't say anything that someone might disagree with!
Still, facebook, work, and even email, they are 'positive social interactions' that we Need.
I can see email in that sometimes it's good to be able to think a bit more of what you're saying and what the other person is saying. Where in a face to face talk I might just be like, "Duuuhhhh". (Probably not.)
There is an accumulative effect of these positive social interactions, even though they may be just at work or facebook or email. There is definitely something. Something beyond the actual information received. Something emotional. Some positive change that can occur.
But at the same time a couple of days without any of them and quite quickly it feels that something essential is missing. Not like a drug being taken away. But something that as a human being is simply essential.
I do think we should return to a sort of communal living. Was thinking of say a huge house with a common center (kitchen, etc) and then spokes coming out from it that could be private areas. We need more positive social interactions that have more honesty then you can have at work or facebook, that have more sensory input then you get from email or facebook.
And we need to learn to get along with one another better. Learn to be openminded instead of dropping one another in the search for people more closely identical.
...I could see each little communal house ended up like the Hatfield's and McCoy's. Today there is the idea that outside of the family people (some people will honestly admit) don't really give a shit about anyone. But the blood/marriage family doesn't really provide enough so we still do bother to some extent, bother with being nice, dealing with other people. The problem with a communcal house of 50.... 75, etc people is that it would come much closer to providing all the emotional involvements you need, such that you could truly say to hell with everyone else, and descend to neotribal wars.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Angel Syndrome
As to the last post, first off, it's no big deal. That's how it is all over for everyone. Slightly more important for me to keep such things in mind because of who I am and what job I happen to be doing. (Being a scientifically minded man who does come across as really intelligent working in a field with mostly women of average intelligence.) (And as ridiculous as it is I probably should mention that I'm tall and in good shape too. As that really is held against people too, absurd as it seems. I could maybe try to hunch over a bit???) Secondly, as to responding the correct way in such situations, I mostly do. I'd already have been fired otherwise no matter how perfectly I did my job and how nice I was. I've put on an act perfectly on a number of occasions to let people feel they had sufficienty put me down a rung or two on the ladder.
My thing is that maybe I don't do it always quite well enough. And also, that I get sick and tired of it. I understand too well, logically speaking, what is going on; that it's monkey stuff, literally. In fact, I just found a book tonight for a dollar which goes on about exactly that; how the workplace environment is so similar to how monkeys behave in the wild. (It then furthermore goes on about how to the succeed is the workplace with keeping such things in mind.)
I think most people who do well in these environments, are 'getting it' on an unconscious level. Both how to avoid getting attacked and also how to 'attack' like the two smearers whom actually are trying to be nice people for the most part. They're just slaves to their unconscious' like all of us to an extent. Really, they're not trying to destroy lives. It's just how they're hard wired. They want to be good.
Anyway, though, this maybe not doing it as well enough at times on my part, one could self persecute themselves and think they, say, have aspergers for example. I'm thinking of something I think original instead: angel syndrome.
Where basically everything outside of the norm which causes someone to not get along in the world as well is labeled a mental disease/syndrome, thus simply being too good of a person we can go ahead and say that in and of itself means there's something wrong with you.
So, the person with angel syndrome can't understand that people really don't want to be egalitarian at all. They want you to very clearly bow down to their authority and never even appear to do otherwise. The angel doesn't understand this not because they're unable to understand human emotions very well, they don't get it because they're too good for this world and just don't understand this ugliness that is in most people.
Like Aldous Huxley's brother who committed suicide, "(they're) too good for this world."
And so they (I) don't understand jealousy for example. Or other things. The general level of indifference. Etc.
And as opposed to being "fixated" on things that happened long ago because I've got OCD, or aspergers, etc, etc, it is actually quite truly that I at least, and I don't speak for others, just have an extremely strong sense of right and wrong. And feel a ton of moral outrage, just amazement still over the things people did to me when I was just a kid. How could adults treat kids like that? Such things I still think about in amazement, etc. Although I've never mentioned such here.
So then, to see people (and I know more than one such person) who are unhappy and seem so so good and seem to be consumed just with moral outrage, persecuting themselves; thinking that there must be something wrong with them, really bothers me.
I would instead call it angel syndrome. Which of course isn't to say that aspergers, etc doesn't exist, etc.
My thing is that maybe I don't do it always quite well enough. And also, that I get sick and tired of it. I understand too well, logically speaking, what is going on; that it's monkey stuff, literally. In fact, I just found a book tonight for a dollar which goes on about exactly that; how the workplace environment is so similar to how monkeys behave in the wild. (It then furthermore goes on about how to the succeed is the workplace with keeping such things in mind.)
I think most people who do well in these environments, are 'getting it' on an unconscious level. Both how to avoid getting attacked and also how to 'attack' like the two smearers whom actually are trying to be nice people for the most part. They're just slaves to their unconscious' like all of us to an extent. Really, they're not trying to destroy lives. It's just how they're hard wired. They want to be good.
Anyway, though, this maybe not doing it as well enough at times on my part, one could self persecute themselves and think they, say, have aspergers for example. I'm thinking of something I think original instead: angel syndrome.
Where basically everything outside of the norm which causes someone to not get along in the world as well is labeled a mental disease/syndrome, thus simply being too good of a person we can go ahead and say that in and of itself means there's something wrong with you.
So, the person with angel syndrome can't understand that people really don't want to be egalitarian at all. They want you to very clearly bow down to their authority and never even appear to do otherwise. The angel doesn't understand this not because they're unable to understand human emotions very well, they don't get it because they're too good for this world and just don't understand this ugliness that is in most people.
Like Aldous Huxley's brother who committed suicide, "(they're) too good for this world."
And so they (I) don't understand jealousy for example. Or other things. The general level of indifference. Etc.
And as opposed to being "fixated" on things that happened long ago because I've got OCD, or aspergers, etc, etc, it is actually quite truly that I at least, and I don't speak for others, just have an extremely strong sense of right and wrong. And feel a ton of moral outrage, just amazement still over the things people did to me when I was just a kid. How could adults treat kids like that? Such things I still think about in amazement, etc. Although I've never mentioned such here.
So then, to see people (and I know more than one such person) who are unhappy and seem so so good and seem to be consumed just with moral outrage, persecuting themselves; thinking that there must be something wrong with them, really bothers me.
I would instead call it angel syndrome. Which of course isn't to say that aspergers, etc doesn't exist, etc.
Work
So then there's this one lady at work who is always moaning and groaning about how much she hates her job; how she wishes she just worked at WalMart instead. I tried to cheer her up and talk about how positive the work is that we're doing. And that I've had a lot of jobs in the past and really this one is not so bad... Honestly I like it the most of any job I've had by far.
So, she keeps trying to convince me that once I become a nurse I'll see, it's horrible. And then, of course, I'm disagreeing with her instead of just saying, "Yeah, wow, this job sucks!" (While I'm trying to be positive mind you, as among other things I'm still trying to get through college. Along with the fact that relatively speaking it actually is a decent job.) So she starts getting annoyed with me. And then one single time I didn't get some venodyne boots fast enough because I had 4 other things I was doing and then the person went down for two hours for an MRI. So now she uses that as an example of how if that happened as a nurse they could fire me, etc. But there's more, she then starts going on about how I'll make a bad nurse, etc, and smearing me behind my back. Simply because I didn't agree that yeah this job sucks, what the hell am I thinking going to college so that I can do this for a living? I should quit and go make my 10 dollars an hour for the rest of my life with no health insurance at WalMart.
So now I'm getting smeared because I like my job. (Nurses aide.) By a person who other people had in turn been smearing for asking too many questions when she first started here. At that time I defended her and went out of my way to help her with all her questions concerning the various workings of this particular hospital. Asking over and over again about phone numbers instead of just writing them down for example.
So I defend her and go out of my way to be nice to her. And then apparently based on trying to cheer her up and be positive about work she in turn is now smearing me behind my back and claiming I forget to do things (based on the single example of the venodyne boots), etc.
Which manages to put me in a melancholy mood to a slight extent.
Which, as a result of then being a bit melancholy, immediately some other nurse is on my case, ridiculously, saying I must hate my job. Probably I shouldn't go into nursing; smearing me behind my back in such a manner. This despite me being one of the most positive people at this hospital for the last year.
I guess if they sit down to smear me together they might have to coordinate their smear stories a bit. As according to the one I love my work and to the other I hate it.
I suppose that could make a halfway humorous story. The two sitting down in the break area. The one starts smearing me. The other starts in. Do they directly contradict each other? Or does the one just keep to herself that the other is clearly saying what is actually the exact opposite of my actual attitude.
A story I probably won't bother to write. It all just tires me.
Such smears go on endlessly. Of course agaisnt everyone. Not just me. I'm always amazed by it. That, they think it's OK to smear some other person when that one person isn't present but still plenty of other people are, like they've no idea they look like a witch to act that way.
I know they smear me too. Absolutely no doubt about that. And most likely they smear me more than average. Because I seem really smart. And that bothers people. I'm sure they'd all appreciate it if I seemed a little bit dumber. As it is, no matter I act like Ghandi I'm probably still on the edge of getting lynched as an elitist.
If I only I could cry at work. Cry in the appropriate manner. Not nervous breakdown crying. There is a way that women manage to cry that is still relatively acceptable. They'd love to see me come down a notch in that way. As simply by seeming intelligent, etc, I bother them. If only I could be degraded somehow.
I don't have such crying in me period. Not remotely. Perhaps I can think up some other way where in their eyes I can be humilated sufficiently that they'll find some other target they can move on to without actually destroying me.
Acting dumb (but not too dumb!) is useful. And I do try to do that. I always try to put myself down. Never ever say anything good about myself.
I guess I have to work on my acting though in that I'm too stoic. I need to seem more affected by their machinations.
So, she keeps trying to convince me that once I become a nurse I'll see, it's horrible. And then, of course, I'm disagreeing with her instead of just saying, "Yeah, wow, this job sucks!" (While I'm trying to be positive mind you, as among other things I'm still trying to get through college. Along with the fact that relatively speaking it actually is a decent job.) So she starts getting annoyed with me. And then one single time I didn't get some venodyne boots fast enough because I had 4 other things I was doing and then the person went down for two hours for an MRI. So now she uses that as an example of how if that happened as a nurse they could fire me, etc. But there's more, she then starts going on about how I'll make a bad nurse, etc, and smearing me behind my back. Simply because I didn't agree that yeah this job sucks, what the hell am I thinking going to college so that I can do this for a living? I should quit and go make my 10 dollars an hour for the rest of my life with no health insurance at WalMart.
So now I'm getting smeared because I like my job. (Nurses aide.) By a person who other people had in turn been smearing for asking too many questions when she first started here. At that time I defended her and went out of my way to help her with all her questions concerning the various workings of this particular hospital. Asking over and over again about phone numbers instead of just writing them down for example.
So I defend her and go out of my way to be nice to her. And then apparently based on trying to cheer her up and be positive about work she in turn is now smearing me behind my back and claiming I forget to do things (based on the single example of the venodyne boots), etc.
Which manages to put me in a melancholy mood to a slight extent.
Which, as a result of then being a bit melancholy, immediately some other nurse is on my case, ridiculously, saying I must hate my job. Probably I shouldn't go into nursing; smearing me behind my back in such a manner. This despite me being one of the most positive people at this hospital for the last year.
I guess if they sit down to smear me together they might have to coordinate their smear stories a bit. As according to the one I love my work and to the other I hate it.
I suppose that could make a halfway humorous story. The two sitting down in the break area. The one starts smearing me. The other starts in. Do they directly contradict each other? Or does the one just keep to herself that the other is clearly saying what is actually the exact opposite of my actual attitude.
A story I probably won't bother to write. It all just tires me.
Such smears go on endlessly. Of course agaisnt everyone. Not just me. I'm always amazed by it. That, they think it's OK to smear some other person when that one person isn't present but still plenty of other people are, like they've no idea they look like a witch to act that way.
I know they smear me too. Absolutely no doubt about that. And most likely they smear me more than average. Because I seem really smart. And that bothers people. I'm sure they'd all appreciate it if I seemed a little bit dumber. As it is, no matter I act like Ghandi I'm probably still on the edge of getting lynched as an elitist.
If I only I could cry at work. Cry in the appropriate manner. Not nervous breakdown crying. There is a way that women manage to cry that is still relatively acceptable. They'd love to see me come down a notch in that way. As simply by seeming intelligent, etc, I bother them. If only I could be degraded somehow.
I don't have such crying in me period. Not remotely. Perhaps I can think up some other way where in their eyes I can be humilated sufficiently that they'll find some other target they can move on to without actually destroying me.
Acting dumb (but not too dumb!) is useful. And I do try to do that. I always try to put myself down. Never ever say anything good about myself.
I guess I have to work on my acting though in that I'm too stoic. I need to seem more affected by their machinations.
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