It occurs to me I have for a while now cured myself of The Search. It isn't out there. Only within. I haven't searched in a long time, thankfully, sadly.

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I like cats that act like dogs and vice versa. The same with most else.

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5000 pages, hundreds of characters, endlessly jumping from so many characters, finally returning to the previous often many hundreds of pages later, killing main characters after thousands of pages. Not a bad way to go about things... (George Martin).

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Watched the gay theatre episdoe of The IT Crowd. Laughed harder then I have in years. Laughed and also cried. In a crying mood. Earlier was crying as I thought about bringing dragons back into the world. A reoccuring idea in fantasy fiction. Occurs both with Hobb and Martin, and I'm sure many others. WIth Martin tied into ending slavery. Bringing back dragons is a highly symbolic idea. A powerful idea that makes me feel like crying. Surely not something understood by most. Then with The IT Crowd. Even though I like it I avoid watching it because I feel like I was meant to have lived in the UK and thinking of what has been forever lost is painful. So I try to avoid things which remind me. It's just some silly sitcom but it happens to be symbolic of the UK to me.

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Ate Indian food and left without paying. Scares me that I did so. Certainly never did such a thing before. Mostly just that horrifically sleep deprived thanks to 14 hour nightshifts. Also though engrossed in book. Plus, I don't know, the food was so damm good I forgot about the depressing concept of money. Etc. Thinking all kinds of things except paying for my meal.

Worse, I told people at work about this. Because I forever make the mistake of assuming goodness, intelligence on the part of others... Instead they'll judge me awfully. I should know. I do know. (How can someone that absentminded be taking care of critically ill people?) But in the moment it's a truth unbearable. To see it and stand being around them would be a bit of Lovecraft's correlation. Kunderesque.