Previously I wondered if it was ethical to be happy in a dystopia. I think I've paid my negativity dues. They are contained in this blog. For my more longterm survival I have to focus more on positive stuff now. Also was thinking that in order to stick with the longterm effort of writing fiction books I will really need a more positive outlook.

Somewhat related I think I need to believe in my audience. Or, well, I should say invent an audience that actually gets what I'm saying as I suppose I'm doubtful any such real audience exists. I need to believe one does to have a chance.

This blog contains such negatives. I have to finish going through the whole damm thing. Briefly summarizing. I'm procrastinating. Otherwise must turn to the positive.

Is there much?

There's some. Enough I think. Better not try to list them though. May find there's less than I think! But as I lay in the dark at night I'm trying to find one to think about as opposed to thinking about disasterously not falling asleep. I need to daydream about silly things. But what?

Remember as boy and young man would dream about being a famous sports player. I'd daydream at night in bed about hitting homeruns, dunking, running for touchdowns. I'd daydream about making incredible music. I'd daydream about the interviews I'd give, lol. I'd daydream about women. Being cool/desirable, etc. (Not talking sex here...) I don't know what else.

....I could dream about finding an elf in the bit of wood by my house.

I remember my daydreams in elementary school. So out of control. Today they'd call it ADD. Dreaming of flying. Don't remember what all exactly I dreamed of.... I remember imagining a tiny man running across my desk, down my ruler to my seat, imagining it was a part of some strange other world the man was on....

Must find such things as opposed to endless negatives that instead fill my mind now.... The scythe. Closing the office door....

I could dream of how great my future children will be? Except it's looking I very well won't have any which is a nightmare. I could dream of stories surely. Surely. Surely. I could go over past fiction stories I've read. Just finished Vernon Vinge. A Fire in the Deep. Had read it at least 10 years ago and totally forgotten having done so. Took more than 100 pages to remember. Ending was a huge letdown. Lots actually didn't like. The beginning was good. The pack intelligence. But it didn't really deliver. In retrospect was predictable that it wouldn't.....

Now some Clifford Simak story which is starting out quite absurd. The antagonist is literally called "The Evil". Was going back over Salvatore's Drizzt series. One thing it really had going for it was a high vocabulary which gave it an air of authority thus making it seem more real. Not just some run of the mill Joe Shmoe slapping some stuff together, no, here's a man saying a bunch of words high fallutin words. And tiddah! Menzobarranzan exists in a way Simak's world just doesn't. ...although actually Simak's vocab is full of words no one would ever normally use.... I'm perhaps missing the real special quality of Salvatore's writing... But anyway, within fiction there is a place to go, instead of thinking about scythes and insomnia, etc.

Bought and planted hostas, ivy and mums today. Also some outdoor solar lights. Yesterday bought a few more concrete things. Nothing there to daydream about.

Can I daydream about playing the cello? I guess maybe I have a little here and there.... But it's more a thing of just enjoying actually doing....... Without dreams of being famous, what does one daydream about? Have to work on that.... Daydream about making people happy. Daydream about making the world a better place. Of course. Not about obtaining power/fame. Those are the worst people.