The running? Is essential. Despite how stupid it seems in a way to me. I should make sure to do it for rest of life. And I can, provided I keep the right form.
I'm stuck in this mortal shell. To enjoy this mortal shell I need to do things like running. Could be something other than running but... eh. But what else actually? Running is my favorite.
...it brings back my mind's ability to make symbolizations which I'm afraid are actually essential to living.
Showing posts with label symbol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label symbol. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Well, the fear is gone today. Not sure though if I'm supposed to respond to someone who might have mistakenly thought the fear pertained to her or not... (edit: No. Pretty sure that's my stupid mistake to think that. Nevermind.) I just can't tell. Asking lots of questions of "strangers" is considered rude unfortunately. And furthermore I wouldn't want to constrain anyone's creativity. So I just don't know!
Beautiful posting though on your part all the same... But if it pertains to me... indirectness isn't my thing. Only mentioning it here and not by email because I don't want to pester and potentially constrain creativity... (Big shoulder shrug here...) Yes, I think of you but not quite that much! I think of lots of things.
And, I don't know about you reading this. I've mention you probably shouldn't. I mean you can if you want... But I just don't think it's a good use of time probably on your part. It's very low quality stuff. Not considerate of any real audience. The imaginary eyes I'm trying to talk to (here) if nothing else have all the time in the world and can't be hurt...
----
D is coming back to the area. D is married, like me, and has a crush on me. She hasn't made this apparent by little stuff like certain looks and flirting. She's just straight up made stuff known... in an almost downright frank manner... but not quite. So I feel stuck at a halfway point between usual dishonesty and truth; in some place well... I don't mean to seem to be referring to someone else's blog post the same as they may not really be referring to mine despite the fact that it really seems otherwise... but indeed here (with D) (I suppose with other people too...) I don't know quite what the correct boundaries are... And so D will want to hang out and I shall be uncomfortable I think. Hope to find a way around feeling uncomfortable.
She has symbolized me. I can't do the same in return because then our spouses will get really unhappy. I feel like I have to be careful to not say anything too encouraging... It's maybe an unfixable ugly situation. Would like to just be frank with her. We don't work together anymore so that's more possible now. Might want to check if her husband owns a gun first... More worried about him just getting depressed as they almost put him away once for that... (Well, more worried just in general because I am a nice person.)
----
And then there's S. She likes me like that also I'm sure. But has handled it much better. We're safely in dishonesty land.
I think S becomes a better person when I'm around and vice versa. Not the case with D. I become less of a person around D while she walks on water.
----
Trying to understand why I feel comfortable around S but not D. Thinking in terms of honesty is one way to look at it. But then... writing is the illusion of thinking you understand people; including yourself it could just be that D is very chipper and a tad vacant ultimately while S is somber and somewhat intellectual. It could be this or that or some other. But D's coming back. So I'll have more time to try to understand what in the world that strange feeling of uncomfortablness is about.
I was thinking just feeling symbolized might be the problem. It's nice to be liked, even for the wrong reasons it's still slightly nice. To the extent that I am the real me around her the symbolization jars against reality. Perhaps I can see it happening right on her face everytime it does. And find myself reflexively trying to be that vague symbol instead of who I actually am. Which is uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I don't even quite breath right at times when talking to her. Ridiculous.
I really want to understand what the hell that is about.
It could just be that despite a lot of outward appearances we don't really have enough in common to warrant hanging out together at all. But that doesn't warrant feeling so uncomfortable... But then maybe it just feels as if she's so different from me it's kind of scary. Which would still be ridiculous.
Beautiful posting though on your part all the same... But if it pertains to me... indirectness isn't my thing. Only mentioning it here and not by email because I don't want to pester and potentially constrain creativity... (Big shoulder shrug here...) Yes, I think of you but not quite that much! I think of lots of things.
And, I don't know about you reading this. I've mention you probably shouldn't. I mean you can if you want... But I just don't think it's a good use of time probably on your part. It's very low quality stuff. Not considerate of any real audience. The imaginary eyes I'm trying to talk to (here) if nothing else have all the time in the world and can't be hurt...
----
D is coming back to the area. D is married, like me, and has a crush on me. She hasn't made this apparent by little stuff like certain looks and flirting. She's just straight up made stuff known... in an almost downright frank manner... but not quite. So I feel stuck at a halfway point between usual dishonesty and truth; in some place well... I don't mean to seem to be referring to someone else's blog post the same as they may not really be referring to mine despite the fact that it really seems otherwise... but indeed here (with D) (I suppose with other people too...) I don't know quite what the correct boundaries are... And so D will want to hang out and I shall be uncomfortable I think. Hope to find a way around feeling uncomfortable.
She has symbolized me. I can't do the same in return because then our spouses will get really unhappy. I feel like I have to be careful to not say anything too encouraging... It's maybe an unfixable ugly situation. Would like to just be frank with her. We don't work together anymore so that's more possible now. Might want to check if her husband owns a gun first... More worried about him just getting depressed as they almost put him away once for that... (Well, more worried just in general because I am a nice person.)
----
And then there's S. She likes me like that also I'm sure. But has handled it much better. We're safely in dishonesty land.
I think S becomes a better person when I'm around and vice versa. Not the case with D. I become less of a person around D while she walks on water.
----
Trying to understand why I feel comfortable around S but not D. Thinking in terms of honesty is one way to look at it. But then... writing is the illusion of thinking you understand people; including yourself it could just be that D is very chipper and a tad vacant ultimately while S is somber and somewhat intellectual. It could be this or that or some other. But D's coming back. So I'll have more time to try to understand what in the world that strange feeling of uncomfortablness is about.
I was thinking just feeling symbolized might be the problem. It's nice to be liked, even for the wrong reasons it's still slightly nice. To the extent that I am the real me around her the symbolization jars against reality. Perhaps I can see it happening right on her face everytime it does. And find myself reflexively trying to be that vague symbol instead of who I actually am. Which is uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I don't even quite breath right at times when talking to her. Ridiculous.
I really want to understand what the hell that is about.
It could just be that despite a lot of outward appearances we don't really have enough in common to warrant hanging out together at all. But that doesn't warrant feeling so uncomfortable... But then maybe it just feels as if she's so different from me it's kind of scary. Which would still be ridiculous.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Rooting out the magic... I think to enjoy music it must have something that is "magical" about it. Lately I've not enjoyed music much.
When younger I'd visit/move to new places and they'd have their own unique feel to them. It seemed a thing of magic to me. I wasn't able to logically understand how they "felt". Occasionally synethesia became involved. I remember driving in the middle of the night to San Franciso when I was 18 and it had such a strong feel and I even started to smell this... calming smell. (I whom have almost no sense of normal smell.)
Fort Ord was like the president's nuclear holocaust dream in Dreamscape.
Kentucky was like that place in Stephen King's The Stand; an awful dead place.
West Virginia is slightly positive. Not so many unhappy spirits, quiet at least.
For all it's chavs etc England was overflowing with magic. I'm someone else there...
Germany is hard to make sense of... like I wasn't really there...
Many places had not much feel though...New England, Crete, Maryland, Florida, New Mexico. Many just felt slightly sleepy like Niagara/Toronto.
Is it not all a pile of shaving cream? Was there really no magic? Just really unexamined thinking, preconceptions, a very few visual cues, etc, thrown together and becoming some psuedo magic? No different than people who think they're psychics/mediums?
No amount of time in Kentucky would change it. It is an evil place. Happy people from there are to be avoided...
I'd so much like it to be all magic going on within me. I can't quite stand to find out how wrong I am. I need some belief in magic. I'm losing what little I had.
The UK was especially some "magical" place. Not for any particular logical reason. But for magical reasons. I feel I was predestined to live there. That something went horribly awry. But it's a bit of belief in magic that is leaving me now. Ultimately I saw english TV shows and they sounded smarter with their pretty accents. They were the best TV shows (Doctor Who, Monty Python). Better than anything here. So, you know, half assed thinking when 10 or so became ingrained in me somehow very deeply beyond logical thought. But then furthermore I had the sex hormones running like crazy back then (must reproduce!!!) so I attached the idea of a english woman. That became a part of the predestined feel. But it was a vague thing of course. Now I Know real live people from the UK, with beautiful accents and they're too real. They can't be a part of that predestined stupid "magical" notion. They must be sufficiently vague for it to work.
You see you have to take a human and turn them into a symbol; much like is done with "love" as Zizek so complains about... (at least I think that's part of what he's getting at). And anyway, it's an awful thing to do to anyone; this turning of people into symbols. It takes some ignoring who they really are.
But then... as so much successful reproducing is accomplished thanks to this "love" perhaps people learn to act in ways where it's hard to not turn them into a symbol...
When younger I'd visit/move to new places and they'd have their own unique feel to them. It seemed a thing of magic to me. I wasn't able to logically understand how they "felt". Occasionally synethesia became involved. I remember driving in the middle of the night to San Franciso when I was 18 and it had such a strong feel and I even started to smell this... calming smell. (I whom have almost no sense of normal smell.)
Fort Ord was like the president's nuclear holocaust dream in Dreamscape.
Kentucky was like that place in Stephen King's The Stand; an awful dead place.
West Virginia is slightly positive. Not so many unhappy spirits, quiet at least.
For all it's chavs etc England was overflowing with magic. I'm someone else there...
Germany is hard to make sense of... like I wasn't really there...
Many places had not much feel though...New England, Crete, Maryland, Florida, New Mexico. Many just felt slightly sleepy like Niagara/Toronto.
Is it not all a pile of shaving cream? Was there really no magic? Just really unexamined thinking, preconceptions, a very few visual cues, etc, thrown together and becoming some psuedo magic? No different than people who think they're psychics/mediums?
No amount of time in Kentucky would change it. It is an evil place. Happy people from there are to be avoided...
I'd so much like it to be all magic going on within me. I can't quite stand to find out how wrong I am. I need some belief in magic. I'm losing what little I had.
The UK was especially some "magical" place. Not for any particular logical reason. But for magical reasons. I feel I was predestined to live there. That something went horribly awry. But it's a bit of belief in magic that is leaving me now. Ultimately I saw english TV shows and they sounded smarter with their pretty accents. They were the best TV shows (Doctor Who, Monty Python). Better than anything here. So, you know, half assed thinking when 10 or so became ingrained in me somehow very deeply beyond logical thought. But then furthermore I had the sex hormones running like crazy back then (must reproduce!!!) so I attached the idea of a english woman. That became a part of the predestined feel. But it was a vague thing of course. Now I Know real live people from the UK, with beautiful accents and they're too real. They can't be a part of that predestined stupid "magical" notion. They must be sufficiently vague for it to work.
You see you have to take a human and turn them into a symbol; much like is done with "love" as Zizek so complains about... (at least I think that's part of what he's getting at). And anyway, it's an awful thing to do to anyone; this turning of people into symbols. It takes some ignoring who they really are.
But then... as so much successful reproducing is accomplished thanks to this "love" perhaps people learn to act in ways where it's hard to not turn them into a symbol...
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