Well, the fear is gone today. Not sure though if I'm supposed to respond to someone who might have mistakenly thought the fear pertained to her or not... (edit: No. Pretty sure that's my stupid mistake to think that. Nevermind.) I just can't tell. Asking lots of questions of "strangers" is considered rude unfortunately. And furthermore I wouldn't want to constrain anyone's creativity. So I just don't know!

Beautiful posting though on your part all the same... But if it pertains to me... indirectness isn't my thing. Only mentioning it here and not by email because I don't want to pester and potentially constrain creativity... (Big shoulder shrug here...) Yes, I think of you but not quite that much! I think of lots of things.

And, I don't know about you reading this. I've mention you probably shouldn't. I mean you can if you want... But I just don't think it's a good use of time probably on your part. It's very low quality stuff. Not considerate of any real audience. The imaginary eyes I'm trying to talk to (here) if nothing else have all the time in the world and can't be hurt...

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D is coming back to the area. D is married, like me, and has a crush on me. She hasn't made this apparent by little stuff like certain looks and flirting. She's just straight up made stuff known... in an almost downright frank manner... but not quite. So I feel stuck at a halfway point between usual dishonesty and truth; in some place well... I don't mean to seem to be referring to someone else's blog post the same as they may not really be referring to mine despite the fact that it really seems otherwise... but indeed here (with D) (I suppose with other people too...) I don't know quite what the correct boundaries are... And so D will want to hang out and I shall be uncomfortable I think. Hope to find a way around feeling uncomfortable.

She has symbolized me. I can't do the same in return because then our spouses will get really unhappy. I feel like I have to be careful to not say anything too encouraging... It's maybe an unfixable ugly situation. Would like to just be frank with her. We don't work together anymore so that's more possible now. Might want to check if her husband owns a gun first... More worried about him just getting depressed as they almost put him away once for that... (Well, more worried just in general because I am a nice person.)

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And then there's S. She likes me like that also I'm sure. But has handled it much better. We're safely in dishonesty land.

I think S becomes a better person when I'm around and vice versa. Not the case with D. I become less of a person around D while she walks on water.

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Trying to understand why I feel comfortable around S but not D. Thinking in terms of honesty is one way to look at it. But then... writing is the illusion of thinking you understand people; including yourself it could just be that D is very chipper and a tad vacant ultimately while S is somber and somewhat intellectual. It could be this or that or some other. But D's coming back. So I'll have more time to try to understand what in the world that strange feeling of uncomfortablness is about.

I was thinking just feeling symbolized might be the problem. It's nice to be liked, even for the wrong reasons it's still slightly nice. To the extent that I am the real me around her the symbolization jars against reality. Perhaps I can see it happening right on her face everytime it does. And find myself reflexively trying to be that vague symbol instead of who I actually am. Which is uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I don't even quite breath right at times when talking to her. Ridiculous.

I really want to understand what the hell that is about.

It could just be that despite a lot of outward appearances we don't really have enough in common to warrant hanging out together at all. But that doesn't warrant feeling so uncomfortable... But then maybe it just feels as if she's so different from me it's kind of scary. Which would still be ridiculous.