A special fear is in me today.

I who was once... I hesitate to say fearless... but not afraid of knowledge anyway. Slowly there has come to be some knowledge, some pulling back of the curtain which I can't take so well.

Face to face I often see negative thoughts lurking within people. And often, usually, there's nothing that I can do. Very likely these negative thoughts are with regard to me but I can bend over backwards trying to be nice and it still often does no good. So then I pretend I don't see it. Not a lot of pretending. Just a very little as indeed the person was trying to conceal it. There's only so much I can do short of just going nuts. And anyway I shouldn't be expected to have to constantly read people's minds. Even if I'm just reading how they're going to backstab me, etc.

And I suppose some people have said it would be a horrible thing if you could do it (read minds) and I suppose in a way it would be. The thing would be then; to iron out those differences as a result of such mind reading. But you know, to keep it not so pointlessly sci fi nerdy, the short term is it drives me nuts how face to face I can see behind the bland if I want to.

Mostly I can't stand to anymore. Go ahead and think you're horrible thoughts. I want no part of it.

Online there is another similar fear of knowledge. Because here the blandness is surely gone... but it isn't replaced by people successfully ironing out their differences... Here the ugly things are endlessly revealed, but things are still not resolved... For various reasons... it's still not mind reading...

Ultimately I'm an extreme bleeding heart. An ethical vegan and so on and there's a limit to what I can stand. Probably I can stand less than average. The opposite only may appear to be the case because I push myself so much farther than normal people.

Astro, you're right. People aren't trying their best. That was panglossianism and elitism. They could do better. But then I could do better also I guess. Right this moment I could. But I've too much fear of a certain type of knowledge. I've been stomped on by it too much.

I'm going to go for a long run in the snow. Stupidify myself to the point that maybe I can stand a little more...