And so ultimately with my imaginary eyes, I'm basically talking to the gods (praying... sort of) through this blog. Here my life is not quite such futility. Because the gods do care. They're reading. Clearly they are, otherwise I wouldn't be writing....

Yes? No?

I'd never get one of those things to see how many hits I'm getting. I kind of hope I'm not getting any at all yet wouldn't want to actually find out that's true. I guess with the settings I've chosen I very well probably am not getting any hits at all. I don't know whether or not the gods show up as hits?

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For the first time in my life I bought a pair of pants last night with a 38 inch waist. I suppose for someone as tall as me who has muscles and stuff that's not so horrible... But I feel unhappy about it. Also they have to be 'baggy' style. And carpenter style because normal leg style... geez people have such stick legs. So I'm 6'4" 245. I can still knock out a set of 20 chinups and 20 dips. Haven't even hardly been lifting weights though thanks to insomnia issues.

I watched football after buying the pants and there was a fullback who was 6'2" 245 and he looked huge. Like he was about to explode. I don't look like that at all. I guess I'm just built such that I can carry a lot of weight without hardly showing it. Big boned/large frame.

So I decided I'm going to eat pretty much just broccoli and hummus and that's it for a while plus get back into exercise. I was in such a good mood yesterday it was an easy decision.

Today, this morning, I had a fight or flight episode. Another this could ruin your life right here, right now, thing. (Too damm many of those I've had.) After surviving it I find I really want to "celebrate" to get away from that stress. And that means eating something other than broccoli. (sigh) But I guess I won't. I'll talk to "god" and have some broccoli.

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Tons of dreams lately. Why? Normally I have lots of dreams when in a new situation, like moving or a new job. Neither is the case now. Maybe just a slight easing of stress from what I was under the last few months. I don't know. This dream was with my old boss, something about it turning out she had literally murdered the another employee of hers. And it's funny because as they ruined me, in the literal moments of them saying that's what they were going to do, ultimately I was thinking (provided A: the whole thing just wasn't a show to hide something far more sinister. B: The bosses above my boss weren't quite such psychopaths.) about the next person and the next that she'll do this to. Do her bosses understand? There I sat, while I was being destroyed and I'm worried about other people! Because that's how I am. And I realized how ridiculous I am in this way and I laughed. And what did they think when I laughed? That I was going crazy? They are the question of evil. What are they thinking? Nothing really. That's the real problem. They're just not thinking. "So find another job." No big deal. Simly not thinking. Going out of one's way to avoid thinking. "It was already dead." Simply avoiding thinking as much as possible.