I can't stand my voice. I originally wanted to make industrial music. I thought surely you just slap a bunch of distortion and growl a bit and surely I could manage?

No. My voice cannot do industrial at all. I can sing effing country music. Which is the one type of music I have no interest whatsoever in making.

So, I post my music online really just in case my house burns down. It's an easy backup. I post this here to remind myself that I did try, oh did I. But the voice is hopeless. And that's the last attempt. Repetitive song but this is more just a reminder of how bad my voice is. Really without the telephone booth effect, forget it. My voice is just so awful. It's nasal yet very deep. How did I manage that? The best I can manage is to sound like a zombie.

Me trying to sound rageful, for proper industrial, is just funny. Arnold Schwarzenneger would make a better industrial singer. (sigh) I tried to be flexible.

With giving up any kind of vocals at all, I don't know that I'll bother trying to compose much more music. Maybe a bit of trance. Maybe some piano solos. Otherwise, I really wanted a human voice.... Oh well. Perhaps I'll experiment with some pitch shifted distorted grunts in the future...

...I had to get off 69 songs though, lol. My synethesia doesn't like the number 69. It's this dark red. A blood red that reminds me of blood. Then also it's not even remotely prime and thus unoriginal. 3, 6, 9. 23x3. No. Does the sexual connotation bother me? I don't think so...

70 is a light blue. 7 is a prime thus 'original'. 70 floats like a giant balloon that's alive. 70's good.

71 would be better actually. It's an actual prime. It's sharp and fast and original. A darker blue. It's thin but strong like steel. Unfortunately synethesia can be kind of stupid if you think about it too much.

That primes are liked because they're original/not derivatives is sort of interesting. But as to 70 versus 71. zero is like a balloon? 1 is thin and fast? That's very crude synethesia.

Why is 69 blood red? Because it's like a drop of blood welling up and hanging the moment before it falls.

I heard someone say synethesia was just cross wirings in the brain. No, I don't think so. Although yes, one can have cross wirings. I for example sneeze when I step into bright sunlight. But the idea that we'd have endless cross wirings so that we'd randomly associate all kinds of stuff that has no real association does not make sense.

The reality of synethesia is just making relatively logical associations on a mostly subconscious level.

All these 'idiot-savants' that love prime numbers. People don't understand why.

It's because they aren't connected to other numbers. They stand alone. The larger ones being more fantastic because they manage to tower right through the clouds without any help.

When I'm presented with a number, I immediately just have in mind a number of properties of the number. What it factors into. If it's a large number or say a phone number, what it would look like on a graph. Then what the number shapes bring to mind, etc. And so numbers have personalities. That's what's going on with Daniel Tammet for example.

But then the same for languages. The same for music. What else? Everything else.

My music definition

As to music then, there is where the beats fall. Like on 1, 5, 9, 13. Most simply 2 squared, 4, 8, 16, 32. Not necessarily that simple but something that is predictable. In fact it's best if it becomes something that your unconscious is predicting, not your conscious. That your unconscious starts knowing what's going to happen while at the same time it's complex enough that your conscious can't, becomes a strange sort of thing. Like being magically lucky.

That's not quite right. It's not a matter of whether or not it's your conscious or unconscious doing the predicting. It's a matter of your conscious not getting bored at the same time that your unconscious is doing this predicting. This successful unconscious predicting of the future can be a good feeling in and of itself.

Then there is vibrational frequencies which divide into each other as whole numbers. This goes to thoughts of prime numbers and nonprimes, the understanding of how some numbers belong together. That the vibrational frequency of a sound is also a product of the vibrational frequencies of some other sounds.

And it's not like this is occuring in the conscious mind. The conscious mind can't count out the oscillations per second of each sound. Somehow the unconscious puts it together and understands consonance and dissonance.

Unconsciously predicting the future and recognizing sounds that go together are both math.

Then there's synethesia. Every single sound should (again basically unconsiously) suggest a living creature or some event which occurs in nature, which occurs "naturally." Every single sound should be a symbol for something Real.

Like the basis of language is more or less synethesitic(sp). Where people can guess with 95% accuracy which word means ugly versus beautiful in languages they don't know. We all have synethesia. Just most only have it a little. Daniel Tammet then being an example of a lot. The first 1000 numbers each being symbols of something Real in his mind. Each with personalities, colors, graphs, etc tied to them. I tie graphs to them like an engineer would. Phone numbers are hilly landscapes.

Dogs and cats make themselves quite clear to humans through the noises they make because we share synethesia.

And so it's a sort of pretend natural world but including fantastic creatures that don't necessarily really exist, (and how sad, how pitiful to only listen to guitar, drums, vocals music endlessly) combined with finding order (as opposed to chaos/no meaning/nothing) combined with successfully predicting the future. A fantasy world where you can predict the future and see the how it all makes sense, all fits together. All occurring unconsciously.

And the sounds which represent creatures move in ways that tell us what they're feeling, etc. And the violin says one thing and viola replies with something that is relevant, etc.

Feel a bit out of sorts lately... Something's changed. Some thing... Not sure what...

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I finally met a really creative musical person in my area. His music... perhaps is better than mine. Or just refreshingly different what with lots of fake guitars and such... He had jumped out a window because his computer was talking to him and things... He was very scared about these voices talking to him and asked if he could please be put in a mental hospital.

He has a big website with his own discussion board. It was... what's the word... something beyond depressing to read it. Scary, stark, dark, sad. It got me to the point of actually smelling something... Which is that a very very low grade more traditional synethesia? I did it more when younger. Usually while watching/reading horror stories I'd start smelling things. Like a vague corspy smell I imagined while watching HellRaiser. Actually smelled something looking at his site, reading his old posts, knowing where he is now.

Possibly it's related to my photic sneezing but it seems less likely.

Hope the guy will be OK of course.

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Otherwise it's really been a good time lately. Perhaps just the whole no longer having any free time plus barely seeing my wife is getting me down.

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Lots of lost thoughts. Some others saved on my crappy laptop. Sleeping like shaving cream. Stuff about reconstructing memories. How imperfect memory is a key to consciousness. Constant attempting to rebuild, needing to self reference continously to continously try to rebuild just in order to even try to rebuild some other things, etc infinitely in order to try to predict the future, etc. To decide the best action, etc. With perfect memory there's no need to continously self reference. There's no need to build. It never fell apart. It's just there. You reference it once and that's it... It's in the constant and imperfect rebuilding that we become human... Or not. Just something to think of later.