I had this strange feeling for a decade or two that I was meant to have lived in the UK. And that I've really missed out on a lot of stuff in that I instead lived in West Virginia. It's about the people I think I might have known living there instead of here... Friends, loves....

It's said that people are really the same everywhere and that happiness must come from within. The former just isn't true. I haven't spent my whole life in WV. I've spent probably almost ten years total here and there and I've seen it's not true. As to the latter, it's partially true but can be carried to the ridiculous.

As to this idea about the UK, would my life have been so different? I don't know.

I found this person online that has a blog and some music they created. A very gothic, creative... rather intelligent person with such a beautiful british accent/voice. I've been reading her stuff and she was representing that UK life I feel I've missed.

Should I take steps that could destroy this idealized vision I'm having about the UK? I've visited twice; a week each time. That didn't remotely dent it. I figured reading this person's blog might dent it. It's kind of a painful lamenting this thought about the UK... And things like visiting, reading this person's blog are/were painful. But on the other hand it's nice to pretend there's better things out there...

Anyway turns out this person had a second blog; a sex blog. She still is relatively intelligent but... I dunno. I have no position to find fault that I can figure out... But all the same it's kind of lessened this romanticization of the UK strangely... (I think of my song 'Falling'... an unfortunate realization... with a bit of comedy added. This seemingly intelligent person that I've idealized a bit is mostly just interested in taking it up the arse... hahaHA!) (But seriously, on the extremely unlikely change she's reading this, I don't think bad of her (YOU) at all.) Why that would be makes no logical sense. It's just one person I don't even really know at all. Just silliness. Too Far Future silliness. I'd be better off just thinking about short term fun like... sex with my spouse (like she's doing). But I just don't think that's really so interesting. TBH, I think I've mostly mastered the whole sex thing anyway and I don't need to spend much time thinking about it... Certainly don't need to do a bunch of writing about it. ...still the blog is the most interesting sex blog I've read. Rare for someone that seemingly intelligent to be spending such time on that subject...

As I get older I do notice I'm very slightly focusing on the here and now instead of the too far future. So perhaps eventually I'll get much more interested in sex but it seems unlikely. It would be like becoming a glutton... But maybe that's all life holds... And looking for happiness beyond that is just a waste.

Got wireless internet and my $200 ancient used laptop hooked up to it. I downloaded Reaper and Helix on it for the heck of it... It can handle about 4, maybe 5 tracks maximum of helix with no FX. So between 1/10 and 1/15th as good as my desktop.

But 4 tracks is plenty to get the important stuff....

What is it called when you can't remember the answer to something but as soon as you ask someone else the answer... as they open their mouth to reply but haven't yet, you remember the answer. Once would be a coincidence but I've noticed myself doing this for many, many years. Would be great to think of it as a low grade telepathy. But probably not. Probably my way of thinking about it changes in some fundamental way as they start to answer... I've tried then, to just pretend I'm asking someone, but that never worked.

It always seemed strange...

And I suppose I'm compiling all these out there thoughts here. This one falls more in the direction of being even more useless than usual. I have a ton more... But as they go further in this direction I may not bother. That wasn't the goal. Well there was never particularly a goal.

Sleep

Bad sleep. Got back into a very very short unorthodox strength training regimen. And... it's messed my sleep up. Insomnia. Feel like an old person the way I keep waking up at exactly 3AM every night. When younger I would have trouble getting to sleep but usually provided I didn't have to get up early could sleep really good and hard beginning at 5am. Today not till almost 8AM and still a mostly light sleep...

I did last night have a period where the thoughts quit making sense (which is normally when you then cross over into sleep) but instead I think the period of nonsense thinking just kind of stretched out quite a bit. Stretched on and on. Was offcially sleeping? If so it was very light. Light enough that I suddenly switched gears sort of... like going up a steep hill, into sleep paralysis. Something I hadn't had in quite a while... Which I kind of enjoy. Brings back such memories of childhood. And I really want to experiment from within it. As the imagination works differently there. But I've developed a reflexive thing where I immediately jump out of it in terror. The worry is suffocating. As I'm truly paralyzed. What if somehow my wife moves and pillow gets right over my face? People don't normally just suffocate. They wake up, or shift in their sleep... But I'm truly paralyzed! I can moan and that's it. At least there's no old hag trying to suffocate me. What a horrible stereotype.

Anyway I immediately jerked out of it.

Before this insomnia I had routinely fallen asleep like so: thoughts quit making sense, original piece of music starts playing in my head, and off I go. I used to monitor for the original music and jump up occasionally to record it. Then I'd just wake back up enough to examine it. Now I just don't even bother. I'd rather just enjoy sleeping I'm afraid. I can manage to write music when awake well enough........

What happened last night that was interesting enough to be writing this was that after jerking myself out of sleep paralysis I did a version of the original music but instead it was abstract pictures with perfect silence. I suppose if I were a painter that might be what happened every night. When I wasted such time playing chess my nonsense thoughts would be things like going to the grocery store by knight jumps, etc. The pictures were very pretty though. How wonderful it'd would be to just have such a show going whenever I wanted it. Combined with music...

Do the voices come from inside your head or outside? That's what is asked of schizophrenics.

From where does this music and these pictures come? Inside or outside? Inside. But I'm not consciously creating them. I'm just the audience. But I am creating them. I know that. I feel here and there a part of me creating them. That's what I think schizophrenics lose, is a sense that a part of them, is them. At least maybe that's part of it.

So today I went off to school and found the rest of my clinical group saying a number of negative things about our instructor (who no one can actually deny is a nice man) to another instructor.

It makes me think of Kundera talking of the collective insanity with which people regularly destroy this or that person's career. I recall a story of his where a guy decided to never talk again to a long time friend of his because he didn't speak in his defense when the insanity was being aimed at him. (His friend meanwhile was proud of himself for not talking part in the attack.)

What do I personally do in these situations?

I don't just say nothing. I always speak up on the person's behalf if they even remotely deserve some defense. In fact even if I don't know anything about it I say something and piss the little monkeys off. I've done it everywhere and from this more than anything else in my entire existence I've realized, I'M NOT NORMAL. :(

In this case I had found absolutely no issue at all with our instructor while all the other people in the group bad mouthed him. They know he's been bad mouthed before. Do they understand they could get him fired? Destroy his life? Cause a nervous breakdown or worse?

I'm not sure. I think a few are dumb enough they don't understand this. Some of them are early 20's. But then some are into their 30's like me.

So I spoke up loud and clear that I had no problem with our instructor and tried to help them understand his actions which they had managed to take such offense at. I strongly suggested talking to him instead of going to the head of the department.

But no. They went to the head of the department. I again, made it clear I had no issue with him. If they don't like me for it. I don't care.

He's a good guy. They've at least just caused him a lot of unhappiness that they all went to the department head. Considering he's had such issues before this sort of thing is probably especially wearing on him...

It's all women and one effeminate guy while I'm a not remotely effeminate man and neither is the instructor. That probably plays a role. Hopefully with my defending him the seemingly very very reasonable department head will not do anything horrible. She said words in his defense. Mentioned gender differences... Etc.

Thoughts about this... people suck first and foremost. I think I get the same thing done to me at work to an extent... As far as I can tell some people think it's appropriate to fill any silence with smearing people behind their back. It's like juicy conversation or something....? I suspect they just straight out make up negative crap about others to fill silence. I've always been appalled by it and if I know anything at all about the situation stick up for whoever. If I don't even know who's being talked about I still usually say something. I'm sure I've made enemies as a result.

Which brings up the subject of conformity. I'm still reading Opening Skinner's Box and all the insane conformity experiments. How people will utterly ignore common sense in order to fit in... An experiment where two actors are ignoring smoke pouring into a room and the majority of unwitting test subjects thus insanely do the same as a film of grit covers their body.

Not a chance I'd say nothing as our instructor is being smeared. Not a chance I'd say nothing at work. This is not a world to conform with.

Or are you a panglossist? Is this the best of all possible worlds? Heaven on earth?

It is not a world to conform with, pretending otherwise is unethical, and thus even if I may be potentially hurting myself there is some conformity I'm just not going along with.

And for that matter someone was smearing me at work this last week also. Claiming untrue things. Such tired old crap... but still it does affect me. I don't want to get fired. Also just really annoys me that I have to get dragged down into such stupidity. Unfortunately the bosses don't seem quite so intelligent at work as this department head so the smearing is more of something to be worried about.

That I can see, it's pretty clear that the best defense is a good offense. The notorious back stabbers rise fast. But I'm not going to play.

It's really something how people do it to one another. Such evil little effing monkeys. I think it's just about all they know how to do.

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....but. It's not always this way. I've been in situations where such didn't occur so much. Actually had a recent very good stretch. The main backstabber at work, who rose like a rocket to being considered one of the top CA's in less than a year over people who had been there a decade, snagged herself a doctor and immediately quit without even two weeks notice. There was a nice calm period since she left. And pretty much everyone who's really worked any amount with me likes me. So, it's not all so bad. It can be OK.

The attack on the instructor is because he's being a little tough with people for what he feels is their own good. Trying to get them to figure stuff out on their own instead of immediately having him take over.

----

...so then of course immediately after writing this crap I go out to dinner to a meatchain with wife and a few of her work people and all they do the whole time is make fun of/talk bad about people they work with.

Changing the world

Been reading Opening Skinner's Box by Lauren Slater. A book about great psychological/sociological experiments. I really like the one by Stanley Milgram, about seeing what percentage/type of person will obey orders to continue shocking someone while they're begging you to stop. 65% continue to the end when they have an authority figure telling them to do so even when they know they won't get in trouble if they stop. What was very interesting was how apparently it changed the lives of some of these 'obeyers'. I guess they had this very clearly shameful incident seared upon their memories for their entire lives and many really tried to not be like that from there on out. Many sent letters of thanks to Milgram about how it changed their lives for the better...

I wish I could accomplish the same on a much larger scale.

Was thinking to try to do so through the writing of a book... LeGuin's short story 'Those who walk away from Omelas' is a very loose structure to work with.

Of course the problem is, is that people won't face what they do. It takes something so over the top like electroshocking someone as they beg you to stop, then finding out this was really an experiment to see who would continue to obey such a horrible order, for people to admit they really have got some issues that need addressing.

That's the first issue anyway. Many more unfortunately.

In Omelas, Leguin at first seems to be trying to justify, to get you to sympathize with this utopian city where they have just a single child locked up in a dungeon, malnourished, etc. Somehow the happiness of the whole city depends on accepting that this one child can't be helped. It's a very short story. This idea isn't sold very well. A longer version could be written where you really get to rooting for protaganists that are doing something like that. She does manage to sell the idea to an extent in this short story...

Then she pulls out the rug and very lightly suggests that actually there are people who refuse to take part in that and immediately leave the city... Her actual somewhat hidden preachy point is that of being an idealist, refusing to accept that the suffering of even one person can't be helped.

I want to expand on this idea to get one to have the rug really pulled out where they feel ashamed for what they were going along with. I think though, what would happen is that as it's not something so obvious as electroshocking someone, people would just dismiss it, say I was being tricky, get really angry with me, etc.

I don't see it as having much chance at being successful.

One could write a seemingly randian book, then pull out the rug at the end. That might go a little better. But issues of capitalism/communism don't really matter much compared to more fundamental issues of obeying; conforming mindlessly; especially not in a society where democracy has so little meaning.

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Huge improvements with my music lately... Vocals, drums, etc. Attack for drums, condenser mic plus chorus with lots of compression (I hate compression but for vocals, reaper compression sounds good. I sound like Peter Murphy in the low register. I can live with that. That was mentioned before to me before and I suppose I sort of sounded like him but now, it sounds "professional", just as good. Plus more. Yes! Will be a while I think before I have time... but loving what I'm working on... Yes!)

Strength training

I can barely be bothered to write this. I suppose it's something I know that most people don't. Something that a lot of people could benefit from knowing. Unfortunately they're too stupid to manage it. Even when they're told it.

Protein stuffing increases physical strength by roughly 5 to 15% depending on the person and particular muscle. This is to say ...oh 200 to 300 grams of protein per day increases strength by roughly that much as opposed to something normal, like 30 to 40 grams of protein a day. (A healthy vegan diet.) Protein stuffing is not cumulative at all. You don't end up 30, 40% stronger a couple years later thanks to continous protein stuffing. You'll still be exactly the same amount stronger (assuming otherwise equal calories and nutrients..). Thus protein stuffing should just be used if you want your strength to peak for whatever stupid reason.

It's sad that many young men are stuffing themselves full of protein. I did it myself for a few years. What a pitiful way to live. Also hurts veganism.

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A more useful way for a man to peak his physical strength is to think about sex daily quite a bit while not actually having sex. After about 5 days strength can begin increasing this way. But not much point in doing the effect beyond two weeks if that. This can cause a large increase in strength, again, depending on the person and particular muscle. Huge effect on my hamstrings, personally. Added extra 100 pounds to deadlifting and could hold own against Michael Jordan in a slam dunk contest.

People miss this effect because it takes at least 3 days to kick in and once you have sex again there's a one day lag before you become weaker.

But this second effect is known here and there. Ali's one trainer Bundini Brown knew it. Someone locally (wrestling coach) was aware of it, he brought it up for some reason. It's out there, here and there. Lost and found I'm sure right back to the ancient greeks at least. (A training secret of many competitive athletes perhaps...?)But never found any evidence of this knowledge online.

Which is depressing but then consider the subject/s I guess.

The protein stuffing is actually more depressing. I've never found anyone who seems to have quite figured it out... And there are people who do strength training controlled studies, check nitrogen levels, etc. It's doesn't make me feel even the slightest bit special that I'm not aware of anyone else who figured it out. It feels like the sun's been blotted out. I really have read the literature. The top "experts" on this. They don't know. Such is life.

Feel a bit out of sorts lately... Something's changed. Some thing... Not sure what...

-----

I finally met a really creative musical person in my area. His music... perhaps is better than mine. Or just refreshingly different what with lots of fake guitars and such... He had jumped out a window because his computer was talking to him and things... He was very scared about these voices talking to him and asked if he could please be put in a mental hospital.

He has a big website with his own discussion board. It was... what's the word... something beyond depressing to read it. Scary, stark, dark, sad. It got me to the point of actually smelling something... Which is that a very very low grade more traditional synethesia? I did it more when younger. Usually while watching/reading horror stories I'd start smelling things. Like a vague corspy smell I imagined while watching HellRaiser. Actually smelled something looking at his site, reading his old posts, knowing where he is now.

Possibly it's related to my photic sneezing but it seems less likely.

Hope the guy will be OK of course.

----

Otherwise it's really been a good time lately. Perhaps just the whole no longer having any free time plus barely seeing my wife is getting me down.

----

Lots of lost thoughts. Some others saved on my crappy laptop. Sleeping like shaving cream. Stuff about reconstructing memories. How imperfect memory is a key to consciousness. Constant attempting to rebuild, needing to self reference continously to continously try to rebuild just in order to even try to rebuild some other things, etc infinitely in order to try to predict the future, etc. To decide the best action, etc. With perfect memory there's no need to continously self reference. There's no need to build. It never fell apart. It's just there. You reference it once and that's it... It's in the constant and imperfect rebuilding that we become human... Or not. Just something to think of later.

I'm in an intensive 2 year nursing program. And as a part of it we have this internet system where right now we have to communicate online with one another. Normally we just do things face to face. The online communication brings back to me how quickly communication can break down and people can jump to assuming the worse of one another. Here I had a small issue with someone not turning their work into me in time, and me having to wait on them, etc. It's someone that in the flesh seems nice enough. No problem. A civilized person not looking to jump to thinking nasty things about people. I suppose looks can be deceiving... But, anyway just dealing with this person online then, instead of in person... really adds all kinds of negatives. Perhaps it's just me. But in the absense of adequate info I do then take into consideration potential negatives that in normal interactions almost always can be put aside...

And so I need to ease way up on the internet discussion boards. I go to them because I'm somewhate eccentric and lonely where I live. I have 22 saved under favorites. They're mostly negative one way or another. Horrible cliques of imps attacking one another, vapid useless chat, or just mostly dead/dying.

Participated in the most ridiculous internet discussion board thread I've ever taken part in, in like 10 years of these awful things. A guy started a thread that contained pictures of him with a type of insect inside his house, talking about one hiding out in his beard, etc, like they're his pets. He wasn't very clear... mentioned something about equality of species or something... But the type of insect it was... appears lays it eggs inside other animals. According to wiki it supposedly does this even with humans. So... I tried to be nice and point this out, while also saying equality of the species and all was great, I'm an vegan myself.

...The guy responds by attacking me. Saying I'm trying to put him down. Reduce him to a larval host. And he goes on to mention he communicates telepathically with these insects.

...OK. So this guy's crazy. It happens. What starts getting more bizarre... is someone else comes after me. They say "that insect doesn't do that". They insinuate I've edited wikipedia to say such a thing, etc.

At this point how does one not at least feel frustration? I understand that this second person is used to discussion boards; probably has many years of 'forumwarz' under his belt. (forumwarz.com) Such disgusting attacks are just the norm for him.... I guess. :( I'm not actually frustrated with him. (And understand here, frustration is a form of anger, I don't believe in it.)

I'm frustrated (angry) at "god".

The positive is believing in a god I suppose. But... who says god is smart? He can be stupid too. Thus, he's not evil. Thus there's still no evil to believe in...

But there's a default... if I make him stupid... then I jump to frustration with whoever it was that created such a stupid god. The turtle on the turtle's back.

I'm still angry at god about this. Brings to mind Sergeant Lounatic in the Bucket of Truth episode of Upright Citizens Brigade. Not on youtube unfortunately. Season three still not released for sale despite cult popularity. Great show.

Was like a demon last night so angry. Still am. So frustrated with you God.

And it's so ridiculous. Me being angry at god. I've heard people say such things in the past and thought it ridiculous. I think at times I was doing the same unknowingly even while thinking other's were ridiculous for it.

But with other's its about how their loved one has been killed and so on. I haven't experienced that and can't say much. Even imagining something happening to my wife is so horrible to me. But still I just can't imagine being angry at god over it... I don't know. But I do get angry over the little things which add up and up, I get frustrated. What a world you made you evil person you.

Eh, I'll get over it. Or not. Horrible mood last night. Slightly better now.

It's so trendy to say famous creative people had mental illnesses.
http://people.howstuffworks.com/mad-genius3.htm

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence -- whether much that is glorious -- whether all that is profound -- does not spring from disease of thought -- from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect"

The diagnosis of mental illness is such a mess. Probably because ultimately this cruel society just doesn't care so much really about such nuts. The hospital I did clinicals in paid nurses 65% of what they'd make working up the road at a regular hospital for example.

The idea of having mood swings doesn't strike me as so very mentally ill at all. Provided that you aren't hallucinating and still being a productive member of society, I don't think it's a problem at all. But I've seen bipolars who during their mania basically refused to take part in the social norms of this society. Are they ill? Or just different? Are their minds faulty I should say, or just different...

I remember the one guy I worked with, he was euphoric during his mania. And the key was saying to hell with social norms. Obviously he couldn't hold the euphoria all the time. I don't know that there was anything at all in his head working "incorrectly". It didn't seem so.

Being extremely "unfulfilled" could lead someone to grasp wildly in all directions and perform actions that appeared bizarre. And it could lead them to not bother worrying how they appeared to others.

Infinite referencing loops... they are at least part of "intelligence". If you don't reference back to "yourself" then you are receiving stimuli and no more. Which is a sort of bliss at times. This is what people say animals are doing. And to an extent it may be true. And when i was young and had less to reference back to; instead just enjoying the stimuli thus focusing upon it more purely with no distractions. Was a blissful thing in a way that occasionally I miss. Still do it of course to varying degrees...

------

A man can better spread his genes by cheating on his wife. I think the original movitation that causes him to go cheat (beyond just the fun of having sex with new people...) is a feeling of being unfulfilled which is in many men. Perhaps it's in me and I've just pushed it in a different direction; caused it to take a different form; as cheating is not something I'll ever do. But I have a picture in my head of a man who has psychic links which have been cut. They are angry wounds and he hurts. Sometimes I feel like that. It's all good to talk about finding happiness within one's self but still, I (and most other people) ought to have more meaningfully close connections. Most people just make do. I think more about what could be. Perhaps at heart it's the same thing pushing me that causes other men to cheat. Perhaps not at all. Very possibly not at all actually. I shouldn't put myself down so. Someone at the asexual online community sent me a pm thinking that's clearly what was going on with me.

But perhaps this unfilfullment is why men keep on seeming to create new things a tad bit more than woman... Not always of course. Their love of sports is even a sort of grandeous dreaming that I don't think women do...? Do women dream about having the perfect shoes/pants combo? I don't think so. Such small dreams so often relatively speaking. Because they don't have that something making them feel unsatisfied? Which often is displayed just in cheating to spread genes better.

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How to be nervous:
Don't find the person you're talking to very interesting. Focus on yourself instead of them. Worry/think about yourself instead. Do you have a booger hanging out of your nose? Etc. Don't focus on them because you don't really find them interesting, or just because there's something about them that makes you recoil a bit.
Is being nervous the edge of autism? Learning to not be afraid.... to overcome nervousness...

Some people just flat out aren't interesting at all though. Some people deserve to be recoiled from. Sadly true.

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Ye Gawds how my ears sensitivity changes... Listening to 'trance song', I couldn't even hear that one thing at all the other day. Now it's too damm loud. Yeesh. Are my ears working "correctly" now or last time I bothered messing with the song? I give up.

I suppose I should lower the damm volume on 'Castle Office' too.
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The self help book lady. Oi Vey, how horrifying. A lady who wrote such a beautiful seeming book. She looks wonderful too. Such an angel. I talked to her and her ideals crumbled to dust immediately and it was one of the most horrifying things to see. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it whatsoever. I'd chop off a finger for this person who's basically a stranger to me, for her to be happy, and manage to live up to her ideals. To see someone try so hard to be good. SOOOO hard. Writing a book, such time to formulate this new age Eckhart Tolle type philosophy and ultimately failing so bad. Dying would be nothing in comparison.

Oh well. The door is closed. I can do absolutely nothing.

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Wonderful Astro. I missed you today. With your sickness and disasters we haven't spoken in at least 6 weeks I think. Knowing you exist really makes me feel better.

Although there's lots of good people I feel this way about. You're just at the top. I work with lots of nurses. Lots of good people. And females mostly, who I think have it easier. They aren't forced to warp themselves into some bizarre unemotional creature. Although possibly it's our own biology doing the warping. Doesn't matter.

I know. I'm cold as hell at times. A true little soldier boy, who could run out and kill, kill, kill on the battlefield and all that effing crap.

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Love, with your love I could do anything. Wrote a part of yet another lyric based song that will probably never see the light of day since I can't sing. Was in the style of an old russian/slavakian or whatever song.

"...For your love I'd go to war."
"Kill my brother's and much more..."

"With your love I can do anything...."

It's evolution. Not enough that sex feels good. The organism who's body is flooded with euphoria, energy constantly when thinking about their love is more likely to reproduce... But it's taken to an edge. Where rejection equals suicide. The evolutionary balance line. The evolutionary edge. With suicide on one side. There's others. Just in general having a good time versus being... on edge. But too far and life is so miserable....

What would it take to determine the correct degree selfishness versus selflessness?

Will work on the answer. Being able to predict the future (especially beyond death) seems the main thing.

Why am I really vegan?

Is it because:
To me there is no such thing as not acting in one's own self interest. I don't really believe in the existence of altruism. Yet I definitely act in a manner that appears more altruistic than average. I do so because I see farther into a possible future. And the farther one goes into some undermined hazy future, the more selfish reasons there are to care about the happiness of other beings.

Of course if the people around us are happy, that generally increases our own happiness provided they aren't people who get happy by hurting others.

I live as if I'll live forever in some form. Over such a long term unknown scope, there becomes more reason to just go ahead and keep others happy.

What if when we die we return to some collective conscious along with all other creatures? What if we still to some extent have our indivduality while at the same time being connected with all these others. We kill a massive number of animals for food, what if they aren't real happy about that and harbor a grudge against us into the afterlife while being psychicly(sp) connected to us?

Silly but well, I don't know. And it's easy to be vegan. So this seemingly altruistic act is really not necessarily altruistic.

Or is it just empathy? Just that I try to understand the point of view of others. And thus I literally feel their pain to an extent and simply can't stand then to cause them pain? Is that it? Something so straightforward, not quite so silly.

Is it pride? That I've identified certain behaviors as monsterous and decided I will not act in certain ways simply because I want to play this Game well?

Cussing

And finally... I had always thought it ridiculous, this idea that certain words are forbidden. Whether it be saying 'Voldemort' (actually in a world with magical words shouldn't certain words be forbidden?) or any 4 letter word. OK, I suppose the n word, fine then. But the f word just expresses how you feel, why instead are you supposed to use a word that doesn't express as well how you feel?

When asking anticussword people about this, they of course can't give any logical reason at all. It's just mindless assimilation. If you aren't mindlessly assimilating it either means you're too stupid to manage it or you thumb your nose at the culmination of mankind's history. Either way you're a disreputable person to be shunned. Follow Tradition!

Funnily enough though, my whole cold clinical thing about getting rid of anger completely, means also getting rid of cuss words pretty much. As there's just no reason to express frustration or anger if you're not actually ever feeling any. But supposing you still are, should you hide it? Should be quite careful. Hide it from most certainly.

The Internet is potentially dangerous

Talking recently about 'Meaningful Relationships' and how I've unfortunately been turning to the internet because our society considers most potential closeness inappropriate. A very big problem is that we just can't communicate properly across the internet. Outside of a chatroom you can't properly ask quick questions to better understand someone. You can't hear the intonation in their voice. If they're a liar, it's much harder to tell. You can't see their expressions. Not only is miscommunication much easier. Not only can someone lie much easier. Even if communication is perfect you've still lost so much from what a real social interaction should be. It's a sort of sensory deprivation which is just not healthy.

In so, so, many ways the internet just sucks. And with what was mentioned earlier though... I've found myself drawn to it and trying to use it in ways that pretty much are futile/lead to no good really.

Something related is me just wanting sooo much. Like a ravenous demon. Rewatched Spirited Away last night and I remind myself of the No Face demon. (shudder). There is that in me. Oh well. That to me is what a demon is. Something with cravings that are out of control... I desire a level of connection with multiple others that I guess cannot actually be; a group consciousness.

Some say when we die we go into a mass collective intelligence. Maybe that is what I crave. Maybe somehow I was touched by it somehow, somewhere and now experience a void in it's absense(sp).

Fear of Failure, Hofstadter definition of intelligence

So anyway...

This was just messing around/learning how to do some stuff with arpeggios using synthmaster (not my favorite virtual synth). I'm thinking most... some other people would just delete the file eventually but I like to believe that within any 20 seconds bit there is a full good song and it just has to be found. And I like trying to find it. If nothing else it's like doing a crossword puzzle or playing suduko. Except when you're finished you've actually got a little something you can enjoy for the rest of your life, hopefully. Also if you keep deleting stuff waiting for that super perfect song, you can start accumulating a lot of failure. This accumulation of failure means that when you sit down to write some music, you know there's a chance you'll just be wasting your time, and so... perhaps you just don't bother doing so. IOW, Fear of Failure. A very perfectly legitimate fear of failure. The way around it is to just enjoy finding a way to finish every song... even if it eventually means deleting everything you originally started out with (within that song file that is)... (which actually is the same thing maybe but doesn't seem so...)

This one is kind of the same idea. Was just messing around, trying to learn to do more with drums than usual. Usually my drums are very repetitive. Was trying to do better, also trying to use better sounding ones... but here I just sampled a tiny slice from another song... which I had to add a ton of reverb to make it sound relatively natural. Sort of polishing a turd and this felt like random BS as I was writing most of it. But at the end it came together.

And it reminds me of Hofstadter talking about what intelligence is. The ability to make "sense" of seemingly random stuff. In the movie Victim of the Brain he uses the example of a human being able to recognize a book as being a book whereas a fly couldn't. The idea can be extrapolated to a level where people could improve themselves; something like playing a hard piano piece; instead of looking at each note as one of so many possibilities; getting better at understanding what key you're in and knowing that limits what can come next (although over the course of a few notes you still end up with a ton of possibilities). Or in chess instead of looking at each move in a vacuum and trying to play endless variations in your head; instead you understand what you're seeing; what sort of board position; how quickly things can be reduced down to just a few possible good moves. And my stepfather is a chess addict how is wasting his senior years playing endlessly online. I messed up my back so bad I could hardly move for a few days and played him for the first time in years and won most of the games simply by looking at what are good board positions and what are ways to put him in bad board positions. Only at the end is there little choice but to actually play out the variations of exchanges in my head. At that point I don't do as well and really can't even be bothered to try because it's just tedious stuff. At that point he does well because he's stuck somewhat more in seeing chess in that way.

In his book Godel, Escher, Bach he says in the preface he originally meant for it to just be a pamphlet... (his idea about infinite referencing loops) and... so far I'm thinking he should have just done exactly that. But, of course, then he'd be a no one I suppose, maybe not even working in AI. So as he likes.

...but anyway the point was about finding sense in what seems random (and may actually really just be random...) this song came together at the end. It's about how if you don't recognize how a person you've brought into your life is evil, it doesn't matter why you let them in. It could be that you're just so worried about dismissing a really worthwhile person; that you're just such a bleeding heart; an egalitarian; a person so concerned with justice... It doesn't matter the reason you let this person in, you're responsible for the suffering they bring you. And you never know who is actually such a devil.