Infinite referencing loops... they are at least part of "intelligence". If you don't reference back to "yourself" then you are receiving stimuli and no more. Which is a sort of bliss at times. This is what people say animals are doing. And to an extent it may be true. And when i was young and had less to reference back to; instead just enjoying the stimuli thus focusing upon it more purely with no distractions. Was a blissful thing in a way that occasionally I miss. Still do it of course to varying degrees...

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A man can better spread his genes by cheating on his wife. I think the original movitation that causes him to go cheat (beyond just the fun of having sex with new people...) is a feeling of being unfulfilled which is in many men. Perhaps it's in me and I've just pushed it in a different direction; caused it to take a different form; as cheating is not something I'll ever do. But I have a picture in my head of a man who has psychic links which have been cut. They are angry wounds and he hurts. Sometimes I feel like that. It's all good to talk about finding happiness within one's self but still, I (and most other people) ought to have more meaningfully close connections. Most people just make do. I think more about what could be. Perhaps at heart it's the same thing pushing me that causes other men to cheat. Perhaps not at all. Very possibly not at all actually. I shouldn't put myself down so. Someone at the asexual online community sent me a pm thinking that's clearly what was going on with me.

But perhaps this unfilfullment is why men keep on seeming to create new things a tad bit more than woman... Not always of course. Their love of sports is even a sort of grandeous dreaming that I don't think women do...? Do women dream about having the perfect shoes/pants combo? I don't think so. Such small dreams so often relatively speaking. Because they don't have that something making them feel unsatisfied? Which often is displayed just in cheating to spread genes better.

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How to be nervous:
Don't find the person you're talking to very interesting. Focus on yourself instead of them. Worry/think about yourself instead. Do you have a booger hanging out of your nose? Etc. Don't focus on them because you don't really find them interesting, or just because there's something about them that makes you recoil a bit.
Is being nervous the edge of autism? Learning to not be afraid.... to overcome nervousness...

Some people just flat out aren't interesting at all though. Some people deserve to be recoiled from. Sadly true.

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Ye Gawds how my ears sensitivity changes... Listening to 'trance song', I couldn't even hear that one thing at all the other day. Now it's too damm loud. Yeesh. Are my ears working "correctly" now or last time I bothered messing with the song? I give up.

I suppose I should lower the damm volume on 'Castle Office' too.
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The self help book lady. Oi Vey, how horrifying. A lady who wrote such a beautiful seeming book. She looks wonderful too. Such an angel. I talked to her and her ideals crumbled to dust immediately and it was one of the most horrifying things to see. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it whatsoever. I'd chop off a finger for this person who's basically a stranger to me, for her to be happy, and manage to live up to her ideals. To see someone try so hard to be good. SOOOO hard. Writing a book, such time to formulate this new age Eckhart Tolle type philosophy and ultimately failing so bad. Dying would be nothing in comparison.

Oh well. The door is closed. I can do absolutely nothing.

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Wonderful Astro. I missed you today. With your sickness and disasters we haven't spoken in at least 6 weeks I think. Knowing you exist really makes me feel better.

Although there's lots of good people I feel this way about. You're just at the top. I work with lots of nurses. Lots of good people. And females mostly, who I think have it easier. They aren't forced to warp themselves into some bizarre unemotional creature. Although possibly it's our own biology doing the warping. Doesn't matter.

I know. I'm cold as hell at times. A true little soldier boy, who could run out and kill, kill, kill on the battlefield and all that effing crap.

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Love, with your love I could do anything. Wrote a part of yet another lyric based song that will probably never see the light of day since I can't sing. Was in the style of an old russian/slavakian or whatever song.

"...For your love I'd go to war."
"Kill my brother's and much more..."

"With your love I can do anything...."

It's evolution. Not enough that sex feels good. The organism who's body is flooded with euphoria, energy constantly when thinking about their love is more likely to reproduce... But it's taken to an edge. Where rejection equals suicide. The evolutionary balance line. The evolutionary edge. With suicide on one side. There's others. Just in general having a good time versus being... on edge. But too far and life is so miserable....