Sleep

Bad sleep. Got back into a very very short unorthodox strength training regimen. And... it's messed my sleep up. Insomnia. Feel like an old person the way I keep waking up at exactly 3AM every night. When younger I would have trouble getting to sleep but usually provided I didn't have to get up early could sleep really good and hard beginning at 5am. Today not till almost 8AM and still a mostly light sleep...

I did last night have a period where the thoughts quit making sense (which is normally when you then cross over into sleep) but instead I think the period of nonsense thinking just kind of stretched out quite a bit. Stretched on and on. Was offcially sleeping? If so it was very light. Light enough that I suddenly switched gears sort of... like going up a steep hill, into sleep paralysis. Something I hadn't had in quite a while... Which I kind of enjoy. Brings back such memories of childhood. And I really want to experiment from within it. As the imagination works differently there. But I've developed a reflexive thing where I immediately jump out of it in terror. The worry is suffocating. As I'm truly paralyzed. What if somehow my wife moves and pillow gets right over my face? People don't normally just suffocate. They wake up, or shift in their sleep... But I'm truly paralyzed! I can moan and that's it. At least there's no old hag trying to suffocate me. What a horrible stereotype.

Anyway I immediately jerked out of it.

Before this insomnia I had routinely fallen asleep like so: thoughts quit making sense, original piece of music starts playing in my head, and off I go. I used to monitor for the original music and jump up occasionally to record it. Then I'd just wake back up enough to examine it. Now I just don't even bother. I'd rather just enjoy sleeping I'm afraid. I can manage to write music when awake well enough........

What happened last night that was interesting enough to be writing this was that after jerking myself out of sleep paralysis I did a version of the original music but instead it was abstract pictures with perfect silence. I suppose if I were a painter that might be what happened every night. When I wasted such time playing chess my nonsense thoughts would be things like going to the grocery store by knight jumps, etc. The pictures were very pretty though. How wonderful it'd would be to just have such a show going whenever I wanted it. Combined with music...

Do the voices come from inside your head or outside? That's what is asked of schizophrenics.

From where does this music and these pictures come? Inside or outside? Inside. But I'm not consciously creating them. I'm just the audience. But I am creating them. I know that. I feel here and there a part of me creating them. That's what I think schizophrenics lose, is a sense that a part of them, is them. At least maybe that's part of it.