I 'hate' mankind but like all individuals...

I recognize that this is an incredible dystopia. At the same time surely I see that individuals can be awful too... But the thing is that it's a moral precept to assume good things about individuals (unless the evidence is already very good to the contrary). A huge reason this world is such a dystopia is exactly because people don't make good assumptions. They start out suspicious and so ready to demonize. It's a matter of ethics that one must always assume the best of people. Assume that they're probably trying to be good, trying to get along with others, etc.

Although this definitely can mean getting burned more often than one otherwise would, it is mostly a very good thing. It means actually that I work with roughly 50 or so people and I get along with each one. There's no one at all that I truly dislike, that I truly think badly of. And this attitude it seems has resulted in everyone I work with seeming to like me also.

But I do 'hate' mankind. As a whole this world is awful. We're stuck into such awful social norms.
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Pity. My 'friend' S hates the idea of being pitied. She's been fired twice in the last few months and is now mostly sitting at home with nothing to do. She also recently got a DUI... Also is seeing a counseler. And she observes to me that when you're unemployed, suddenly no one wants to hang out with you. Which is true and another example of the awfulness of the social norms of western society. But then when I say me and my wife would always be happy to hang out with her, she says, "no, I don't want pity! I was just observing this tendency..."

And I can't push the point because I'm worried that it's become awkward that I'm married. In truth, dammit, she is so attractive to me that I'm not quite thinking 'correctly'. And I don't know. So we hardly see each other. Perhaps because it's 'inappropriate' because I'm married and she's single. I don't know. So maybe it's not really a matter of wanting to not be pitied...

But this idea to hate being pitied. What's the difference between compassion and pity? In what kind of society are so many people worried they might get pitied?

I've wondered why the old christians tried to make enjoyment of sex a sin; saying that it must solely be for procreation purposes. I had thought one reason is just tied to the idea of this world being a mere blink of the eye; an extremely short brutal bit of nastiness which is nothing in the face of eternal heaven. The idea being somewhat tied into one of those eastern religions where by not seeking any material enjoyment you are also less susceptible to the negative feelings of this world. Well whatever.

Another possibility that is less out there and perhaps more practical. (Although before pain killers, etc that was a very useful idea and ultimately still is.) Quite simply humans can't handle highly enjoyable things like sex/love. We get so crazy that we endlessly fight and kill one another over such things. Like buying your children some toy and they fight and fight over it so you finally give up and just get rid of the toy. Or like I recall a tribe of apes were given a bunch of bananas (a delicacy for that particular tribe) and they had a huge fight as a result. The humans decided to not give them any more bananas.

So then it was decided to attempt to just take sex away from humans. You could have sex just with one single person to reproduce (but don't have fun!) and that's it. This instead of endless fighting and ultimately ending up like some types of monkeys with their alpha male having all the women. Or like the middle east harems or the Mormon bigamists. (What about all the other men? Awful situation.)

So they tried to take sex away. But for most people it wasn't really so possible to still be procreating while making sure to not enjoy it. So it became.... more or less OK to enjoy it provided you were only doing it with one single person. No free love. And, well, I think homosexuality may have become so frowned upon in the process as they can't claim they're trying to reproduce.

There are other possibilities but I think this may be the primary reason. Humans just can't share very well. So it's best to just take away such a beautiful thing from them. Otherwise they go back to true alpha male monkey arrangements/Mormom bigamy and/or endlessly killing one another.

So then I'm supposed to never find any other women then my wife attractive. I used to think that I could indeed just not think of anyone else as a sexual, sensual, beautiful creature and could instead just focus on them as if they were a disembodied brain.

I'm coming to the conclusion that such just actually isn't natural. And that actually, pretty much anyone who I genuinely like as a human being, I should ultimately find them physically attractive also.

So then there is the issue of this idea that men and women can't be 'friends'. A married man can't just be friends with some other woman. Indeed, once I really know some other women and really genuinely like them, I can't pretend they're a disembodied brain.

So I'm sitting in a movie theater with my wife on my left and S on the right. (sigh). I'm sorry I've already been married for a decade and unfortunately my wife would not like the thoughts in my head so much at the moment. I don't particularly hide my thoughts from my wife. I don't hide that I find other women attractive. She knows I find S attractive. But... maybe better for her to not understand exactly what I'm thinking as I'm sitting here in this dark theater with her and S on each side... A big part of the problem (FWIW) is that S is a 28 year old virgin. She's a bit unusual and not too many men I guess find her attractive. This appeals to my compassion/pity? I think if she were conventionally attractive and had had all kinds of boyfriends I'd have done better at just finding her "theoretically" pretty and practically speaking a disembodied brain. As things stand, what I'm thinking is now unfortunately going off in a ...not so good direction. She's 28 and practically never even been kissed. For me, the sort of person I am, that makes it incredibly difficult to ignore finding her attractive as it's like just being indifferent to someone in need.

Well, the fear is gone today. Not sure though if I'm supposed to respond to someone who might have mistakenly thought the fear pertained to her or not... (edit: No. Pretty sure that's my stupid mistake to think that. Nevermind.) I just can't tell. Asking lots of questions of "strangers" is considered rude unfortunately. And furthermore I wouldn't want to constrain anyone's creativity. So I just don't know!

Beautiful posting though on your part all the same... But if it pertains to me... indirectness isn't my thing. Only mentioning it here and not by email because I don't want to pester and potentially constrain creativity... (Big shoulder shrug here...) Yes, I think of you but not quite that much! I think of lots of things.

And, I don't know about you reading this. I've mention you probably shouldn't. I mean you can if you want... But I just don't think it's a good use of time probably on your part. It's very low quality stuff. Not considerate of any real audience. The imaginary eyes I'm trying to talk to (here) if nothing else have all the time in the world and can't be hurt...

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D is coming back to the area. D is married, like me, and has a crush on me. She hasn't made this apparent by little stuff like certain looks and flirting. She's just straight up made stuff known... in an almost downright frank manner... but not quite. So I feel stuck at a halfway point between usual dishonesty and truth; in some place well... I don't mean to seem to be referring to someone else's blog post the same as they may not really be referring to mine despite the fact that it really seems otherwise... but indeed here (with D) (I suppose with other people too...) I don't know quite what the correct boundaries are... And so D will want to hang out and I shall be uncomfortable I think. Hope to find a way around feeling uncomfortable.

She has symbolized me. I can't do the same in return because then our spouses will get really unhappy. I feel like I have to be careful to not say anything too encouraging... It's maybe an unfixable ugly situation. Would like to just be frank with her. We don't work together anymore so that's more possible now. Might want to check if her husband owns a gun first... More worried about him just getting depressed as they almost put him away once for that... (Well, more worried just in general because I am a nice person.)

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And then there's S. She likes me like that also I'm sure. But has handled it much better. We're safely in dishonesty land.

I think S becomes a better person when I'm around and vice versa. Not the case with D. I become less of a person around D while she walks on water.

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Trying to understand why I feel comfortable around S but not D. Thinking in terms of honesty is one way to look at it. But then... writing is the illusion of thinking you understand people; including yourself it could just be that D is very chipper and a tad vacant ultimately while S is somber and somewhat intellectual. It could be this or that or some other. But D's coming back. So I'll have more time to try to understand what in the world that strange feeling of uncomfortablness is about.

I was thinking just feeling symbolized might be the problem. It's nice to be liked, even for the wrong reasons it's still slightly nice. To the extent that I am the real me around her the symbolization jars against reality. Perhaps I can see it happening right on her face everytime it does. And find myself reflexively trying to be that vague symbol instead of who I actually am. Which is uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I don't even quite breath right at times when talking to her. Ridiculous.

I really want to understand what the hell that is about.

It could just be that despite a lot of outward appearances we don't really have enough in common to warrant hanging out together at all. But that doesn't warrant feeling so uncomfortable... But then maybe it just feels as if she's so different from me it's kind of scary. Which would still be ridiculous.