Flowers for Algernon

Such a thing how he looks back and remembers his dumber self. Primarily in terms of realizing how badly he was treated but in the way others can identify with, in terms of feeling like he was such an idiot. I feel the same certainly at times. The feeling was in me so strongly yesterday late in the evening as if I had managed to peek into a broader point of view. Perhaps I wasn't able to hold on to it today. I've awoken back at my default perhaps.

It's one thing though to literally have been retarded and have had some sci fi operation that makes you intelligent (he knows he really was dumb in his past). When I look on the past and think what an idiot I've been. Often I'm not sure if it was really the case. Examples of my idiocy aren't so clear cut. And perhaps I'm not remembering all the relevant information which would explain my behavior... I was a braver idealist back then for one. Perhaps I was more able to hold onto essential knowledge and base my decisions based on it better than I can today. I've often thought that I'm just getting dumber (in some ways) as I get older.

It may be that I get dumb enough that I overcome some of the nihilism in me, which stops me from bothering to do some things...

As he gets smarter he starts questioning authority, not sleeping as well, realizing what an idiot he once was, in general becoming a lot less happy with the world, he criticizes a movie/art realizing the corruption/LCD consideration, etc....

Finally the ink blots, as he gets smarter he can see things in them. Is this generally true of becoming more "intelligent." I guess we can then make more associations. Zizek being an extreme example for instance.

I'm dismissive of my associating. Newest song, 'No thank you', I bothered to associate it to a hallicination from youth to better remember that event. But feels dishonest in that I only made that connection after writing it. If I tried to write a song with that in mind to begin with it would be so frustrating and difficult. In general these associations that Charlie does are like creativity, being symbolic... And a pile of shaving cream mostly, really. But a sign also of intelligence? I guess...

Of course Charlie is fired. This isn't just some random plot happening. This is symbolic of how the real world is. And how bad Charlie feels about being fired and doesn't want to lose his job can be seen the same.

He already has seen that they're all awful. That they were making fun of him, treating him like absolute shit. And that this is really no place for him.

Basically he knows they're no good. He mostly keeps it to himself but he knows it. And they know he's "smart" now. And thus the enemy. He is a person who will judge them as lacking. He is a person that causes them to not feel good about themselves. And he in return is actually disgusted by them, although he does his best to hide it.... And yet, yet, he's so hurt that they reject him.

---
(Partially Untrue)
But, he tries so, to like them despite their faults. Because they're all like that. Thus he has no choice but to try or just be totally alone. If they don't try to like him despite feeling inadequate and stupid around him, they still have plenty of other friends who's company they actually enjoy. So, they don't try so very much at all.

Such is life.

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Then he develops his own version of imaginary eyes I guess. In the book that is. This at least is perhaps simply a plot gimmick to somehow draw an ambitious story to a close.

Charlie is so concerned about impressing his mother.

I don't have that concern in me. Haven't since very young. To what extent do people normally keep that concern? Is there something wrong with me that I couldn't care less about impressing my mother? No. Nothing wrong at all. It's a good thing.

And I don't dislike her at all. I like the good qualities she has and dislike the bad qualities. Perfectly logical. Not touched by an ounce of emotion. Which is why it would seem freakish to some. And she doesn't care for it. I strongly feel it's the right way to be.

Anyway there is something very wrong about doing things just to impress others.

Have a feeling of such stupidity this evening. In part because I've recognized something very stupid I was thinking. But also in part in reading this book. Watching him as his intelligence exploded and then imploded and thus looking a bit closer at myself and my own considerable shortcomings.