In this world where there is nothing but demons, there is no reason to create anything not very clearly devoted to merely surviving. And I think that's why I've quit trying to write. It coincides with the loss of what few friends I had.

..I say "demon" yet I go to work and get along just fine with everyone. I don't dislike my workmates. I don't fear them. The same with my neighbors. So why do I say everyone's a "demon"?

Maybe somewhat a failure of language.

Maybe I suspend my understanding of what they are at the 'necessary' times.

There's 20, 30 people on this street. Probably all, or at least mostly, are truly good people. Yet, I might speak a few words to just a few per month. That alone is plenty to make this a demon world. And a demon world is a world full of demons.

At work, I don't actually have enough in common to do stuff outside of work with others. At best I could play sports with some guys. But they live far away, schedules don't coincide, etc. I don't know.

I can't really fault them. I can't fault anyone so much really. Yet in the end, I see no reason to strive towards the goals I once set for myself because this world doesn't deserve to be saved. This is a demon world.

I look at others whom clearly don't agree, whom create not mere survival related things. I try to put myself in their shoes but it's no good. Whatever they're experiencing must be experienced firsthand (if even that would work). It's not good to see it from afar. It's not a bunch of abstract ideas. It's their daily interactions that make it their art in turn worth doing. Mine don't.

I suppose I shouldn't use the word "demon" but what then? I'm not good enough with language to put it some other way. It comes down to good/bad and this is bad. This is demons. Because really it is that awful. And it's always been this way. There's never been a world worth saving that I've experienced. There's just me and my wife. And she's not interested in my art. So there's no reason to bother with all that I guess.

I'd like to imagine a world where it mattered. Maybe that in itself could be the creation. A world where it mattered to bother.

Sure would be "gay" though. Wincingly gay.

That is what "gay" ultimately is, the world beyond that which is clearly devoted to mere survival.