http://thetoofarfuture.blogspot.com/2009/04/from-kurosawas-idiot-woman-tell-me-what.html
Seeing your coming death, realizing that life, no matter its length, is absurdly short, and thus living it to the 'fullest', such can help one overcome fear. Such a mental device can be used for good but can also be used for bad. It can be used to nonconform, which can be good or bad. It can be used to decide to take the idealistic route, which can be good or bad. It can be used to justify indifference. It can be used to refuse to follow mindless conformity.
But if you really take 'life is short' all the way, it just becomes an absurdity. I imagine the bubonic plague and people having orgies in the streets. Actually there is no amount of 'living it to the fullest' that will make it full enough in view of death.
Which would suggest that it's a mistake actually to 'live it to the fullest'.
Friday, May 8, 2009
My anti-happiness it would seem is solely made up of fear and nihilism. But much more fear than nihilism. Nihilism is like boredom. The creativity killing thoughts are also the nihilistic thoughts.
Ultimately I prefer nihilism to fear. I happily kill the fear, kill the chop chop with the tick tock if possible.
This tick tock/chop chop or nihilism versus fear, the bouncing between the two, it is I think the same concept as being bipolar/manic depressive? Maybe. Maybe not.
Eh, possibly not at all. But then anti-happiness, is composed ...solely? of sadness, fear and nihilism(boredom). The depressive stage of the manic depressive generally consists of which? I was thinking it consists of fear actually. Paralyzing fear. Don't get out of bed fear. Occasionally this fear is overcome by boredom/nihilism/understanding of the shortness of pointlessness of life, etc and the person thus overcomes the fear and acts in irresponsible ways. Spends all their money etc, because what does it matter? They're just going to die. Might as well just act out. It may seem hardly a positive thing (nihilism) but compared to paralyzing fear it's not so bad.
Although this nihilism, etc most logically suggests that all movement is illogical, in reality not too many people decide to just quit moving because movement is illogical, more often this nihilism may be used to overcome fear and results in varying levels of mania. "nonconformed" behavior, etc. And of course when you decide that you're going to die anyway, that 'life is short' etc you then run off and do dangerous, unconformed things...
Most likely it's not so neat as that.
...but yes. Some people hide the fear they're feeling. The manic is the nihilist stage. Nihilism is just a bad word for it. It's the, "life is short, live it to the fullest while you can!" stage. It just happens that such a statement has an absurdity in it where if you really examing what you're saying you end up with nihilism. 'manic depressive/bipolar' is tick tock/chop chop. Life is short, live it to the fullest/some degree of fear.
Maybe with a more coherent understanding of this people could utilize the life is short concept, rein in it's excesses and use it to pull out of the fear.
The excesses are in part because when saying 'life is short' you're kind of thinking about your death. Becoming familar with it and not taking as much care to avoid it's eventuality.
...and then idealism versus pragmatism. I really think when faced with idealist versus pragmatist choices, if we decide that, "What the hell, life is short, I might as well stand up for what I really believe." then we're going the idealist route. So Obama could persecute the torturers. So Lincoln could have been outspoken against slavery from the beginning. So you refuse to descend into making compromises with morally bankrupt people. So, you're using 'life is short' to be an idealist and refuse to compromise...
you focus on your death and don't live in the actual world...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The motivation for every action of humans is to increase 'happiness'. Where happiness is defined as the perception of moving away from death. Every single thing you do, reading, gluttony, friendship, accumlate money, sleep, love, have plants in your house, take drugs, work to make other people happy, even caring about animals that you'll never meet, every little thing.
Except sex? I dunno about sex. Will have to think about it. There is surviving and then there is the instinctual drive to reproduce. 'Instinctual drives' though are normally about mistaken perceptions.
Do 'instincts' exist at all? I ask yet again. We have our rational mind and then whatever else is up there is outside of our rational mind. For every action the rational mind is actually the origin. Nothing can be dismissed to the hypothalmus or amygdala, etc. ((Or can it?) OK your blood pressure increase because of something you ate as opposed to a flight of fight response...etc. But the former is not an 'action'.) The baby suckling 'instinct' is an action but it is not an instinct. It is based on an attempt at increasing happiness. I don't know how exactly. But I think it follows that it must be so. Claiming anything is instincts is somewhat like saying 'godidit'. Endless actions, possibly all, have an element of the unconscious. But none are 'instinctual'. All things originate in attempts at rational thought. All actions originate in attempts at increasing 'happiness'.
Are animals sentient or are their actions the result of 'instincts'? They are the result of attempts at rational thought where the illogical directions that still manage to produce beneficial actions get passed down through evolution. The originating attempt at rational thought may have nothing at all to do with the beneficial action. But there is conscious and unconscious in animals the same as human. They have the same parts. They have conscious thought just at a lower ratio of conscious to unconscious most likely and thus more illogical actions. Still the basis is attempts at rational thought to increase 'happiness'.
Bleh.
We act in order to increase 'happiness'. We are happy when we perceive that we are moving away from death, no matter how untrue it may be. We have interest in increasing other people's happiness because we perceive that their increased happiness increases our own.
Fear. The chop chop against the tick tock. A balance? Or the eradication of both?
Without fear there can still be nihilism. Getting rid of fear is not enough. Nihilism can conquer fear. Fear can conquer nihilism. One could spend a lifetime bouncing between the two...
But it's not an either or. There are other options.
There is actually personally moving away from death. There is helping others literally move away from death and thus having the perception (not necessarily remotely true) that this is causing yourself to also move away from it. These are the primary concerns.
(sigh) Then there is personally being 'happy' through perceptions that aren't necessarily true. But the most happiness comes from choosing actions that result in longer term perceptions of moving away from death. Gluttony, drugs, etc doesn't do so much. Plants in your house? Sure, why not. Friendships. Sure. Love. Yes. Things that aren't necessarily actually moving you away from death at all. Plants not so much. (They are symbolic of a world full of life. Straight to the unconscious, reduces fear, IOW, reduces concerns that you might be moving towards death.) Love and friendships potentially really are.
Making a world with more love and friendships in turn could greatly increase your own 'happiness'.
The opposite of happiness is fear and sadness and nihilism.
I feel fear and nihilism. Fear is the perception that you're moving towards death and you ought to be doing something about it but you don't know what. Nihilism is that there's nothing at all you can actually do to move away from death.
Sadness and crying go together. Crying is a greater degree of sadness. They are where you perceive you're moving towards death and you are asking for help from someone outside of yourself. Whether or not you rationally really are meaning to ask for help has nothing to do with it of course.
Anti-happiness is fear, sadness and nihilism.
Can one actually manage to cry when they're only asking for help (mostly unconsciously of course) from other people as opposed to help from god? Hard to believe it could be possible.
What does it all come down to? False perceptions that you're moving away from death. Bad choices. How to correct them? Just make people smarter. That's all. But of nihilism? Sometimes false perceptions are the best possible choice...
.....
I don't use emotions to ask for help I guess. Thus I never actually get sad. At least I don't think I ever feel sad. I know I don't cry unless it's a movie. My anti-happiness it would seem is solely made up of fear and nihilism. But much more fear than nihilism. Nihilism is like boredom. The creativity killing thoughts are also the nihilistic thoughts.
Ultimately I prefer nihilism to fear. I happily kill the fear, kill the chop chop with the tick tock if possible. (That is if I can't put a finger on what in the world is really causing the fear.) If I can, then of course I should just solve it or perceive that I have and thus feel happy.
Except sex? I dunno about sex. Will have to think about it. There is surviving and then there is the instinctual drive to reproduce. 'Instinctual drives' though are normally about mistaken perceptions.
Do 'instincts' exist at all? I ask yet again. We have our rational mind and then whatever else is up there is outside of our rational mind. For every action the rational mind is actually the origin. Nothing can be dismissed to the hypothalmus or amygdala, etc. ((Or can it?) OK your blood pressure increase because of something you ate as opposed to a flight of fight response...etc. But the former is not an 'action'.) The baby suckling 'instinct' is an action but it is not an instinct. It is based on an attempt at increasing happiness. I don't know how exactly. But I think it follows that it must be so. Claiming anything is instincts is somewhat like saying 'godidit'. Endless actions, possibly all, have an element of the unconscious. But none are 'instinctual'. All things originate in attempts at rational thought. All actions originate in attempts at increasing 'happiness'.
Are animals sentient or are their actions the result of 'instincts'? They are the result of attempts at rational thought where the illogical directions that still manage to produce beneficial actions get passed down through evolution. The originating attempt at rational thought may have nothing at all to do with the beneficial action. But there is conscious and unconscious in animals the same as human. They have the same parts. They have conscious thought just at a lower ratio of conscious to unconscious most likely and thus more illogical actions. Still the basis is attempts at rational thought to increase 'happiness'.
Bleh.
We act in order to increase 'happiness'. We are happy when we perceive that we are moving away from death, no matter how untrue it may be. We have interest in increasing other people's happiness because we perceive that their increased happiness increases our own.
Fear. The chop chop against the tick tock. A balance? Or the eradication of both?
Without fear there can still be nihilism. Getting rid of fear is not enough. Nihilism can conquer fear. Fear can conquer nihilism. One could spend a lifetime bouncing between the two...
But it's not an either or. There are other options.
There is actually personally moving away from death. There is helping others literally move away from death and thus having the perception (not necessarily remotely true) that this is causing yourself to also move away from it. These are the primary concerns.
(sigh) Then there is personally being 'happy' through perceptions that aren't necessarily true. But the most happiness comes from choosing actions that result in longer term perceptions of moving away from death. Gluttony, drugs, etc doesn't do so much. Plants in your house? Sure, why not. Friendships. Sure. Love. Yes. Things that aren't necessarily actually moving you away from death at all. Plants not so much. (They are symbolic of a world full of life. Straight to the unconscious, reduces fear, IOW, reduces concerns that you might be moving towards death.) Love and friendships potentially really are.
Making a world with more love and friendships in turn could greatly increase your own 'happiness'.
The opposite of happiness is fear and sadness and nihilism.
I feel fear and nihilism. Fear is the perception that you're moving towards death and you ought to be doing something about it but you don't know what. Nihilism is that there's nothing at all you can actually do to move away from death.
Sadness and crying go together. Crying is a greater degree of sadness. They are where you perceive you're moving towards death and you are asking for help from someone outside of yourself. Whether or not you rationally really are meaning to ask for help has nothing to do with it of course.
Anti-happiness is fear, sadness and nihilism.
Can one actually manage to cry when they're only asking for help (mostly unconsciously of course) from other people as opposed to help from god? Hard to believe it could be possible.
What does it all come down to? False perceptions that you're moving away from death. Bad choices. How to correct them? Just make people smarter. That's all. But of nihilism? Sometimes false perceptions are the best possible choice...
.....
I don't use emotions to ask for help I guess. Thus I never actually get sad. At least I don't think I ever feel sad. I know I don't cry unless it's a movie. My anti-happiness it would seem is solely made up of fear and nihilism. But much more fear than nihilism. Nihilism is like boredom. The creativity killing thoughts are also the nihilistic thoughts.
Ultimately I prefer nihilism to fear. I happily kill the fear, kill the chop chop with the tick tock if possible. (That is if I can't put a finger on what in the world is really causing the fear.) If I can, then of course I should just solve it or perceive that I have and thus feel happy.
About this blog
This blog was originally an experiment in creativity.
Personal experiments can be comically painful things. Not only in failing spectacularly but also in that it can end up appearing the experimenter must be a nutter, as they may be doing something other than just conforming.
I can conform quite well, but I recognize all too well when I'm just mindlessly conforming and as I look at the world it seems I'm correct in believing I should be questioning everything.
So this blog started as an experiment but is multiple things and slowly changes from day to day in terms of tone and level of conformity and what I'm experimenting with, etc. The original experiment had to do with something Milan Kundera mentioned: the concept of imaginary eyes. He claims that everyone has imaginary eyes upon them. He said you could be imagining the whole world, or a group of friends or your lover or, rarest of all, an imaginary person. You imagine these eyes are watching you. You can pretend to talk to them. They care about your life. They make you feel not so alone, etc.
Kundera didn't mention it but I wonder if some people's imaginary eyes are 'god'. I also wonder if all people actually have imaginary eyes. I've asked around and of course people claim they don't. But all of us hardly understand what's going on within us a good part of the time, so unfortunately all the time people will adamently claim things that aren't necessarily true. I think that most of us sometimes do and sometimes don't feel as if we have imaginary eyes on us. Not literally, not paranoid schizophrenia, but often just in terms of a separate part of us that is constantly reassessing our actions. But that often we hardly notice as being something separate. I think perhaps the ability to cry takes a belief, on some level, that someone is watching, someone is at least present who could potentially care; as crying is the form of unhappiness (sadness) where we are appealing for help.
This blog was originally, primarily, an attempt to cultivate the eyes of an imaginary person upon me whom even if I haphazardly write something down that isn't well explained, they'll understand and be interested in it. This as opposed to microsoft word where it at least used to be that I imagined I was utterly alone and who really cared? In the beginning this stifled my creativity. I needed to imagine someone was listening.
Why not just have real live people who actually are listening? Unfortunately one can rarely be totally honest then. And one has to constantly worry about being misunderstood.
So first and foremost that was the original point of this blog. Imaginary eyes or an imaginary muse to get my creativity going, to start actually producing something. With a long term goal of writing fiction, etc...
Secondly, or just the first point expressed somewhat differently, this is something to try to help me avoid writer's block and to just remember all the endless little more or less original things I've thought up. (Not necessarily anything that is truly original, but things that I reinvented I suppose.) I really like the labels/key terms function. It's nice to be able to scroll down through the words and quickly remember concepts and be able to click and immediately all the stuff I've written on such and such is compiled.
Thirdly this is a sort of diary. The idea of going through life and just forgetting pretty much everything I've thought and been bothers me. Forgetting is a sort of death. But I've never been able to keep a normal diary. I can never stand to go back and read what I've written in the past. Can never stand my previous stupidity and feeling so sorry for that unsuspecting person about to get blindsided by such and such future disasters... I find it works better here.
4. I can conform. I can act normal. I can be relatively happy in the real world. But I'm not ....much worried about doing such things here. Here I am purposely trying to find fault with society. Trying to figure out better ways to live, etc. Reinventing the metaphorical wheel. I am looking at unhappiness. I can be happy but I purposely try to spend much time focused on problems/unhappiness as a result of my ethical code.
The name of this blog, the too far future, refers to the most essential quality of humans in determining how they act, that being the degree to which they are short term or long term thinkers. The more long term you are, the more you 'waste' your time being altruistic, not turning away from unhappiness; the more time you spend thinking about things for which there probably won't be found any solution in your lifetime.
The picture at top was painted by Van Gogh two days before he killed himself. I think that if we truly and utterly break free of all conformity, truly and utterly quit finding ways to mentally frame things so that we'll feel happy, and instead look at the world 'objectively' it is really kind of awful. Understand though, that the understanding of this awfulness is not strong at all in my mind. Weak enough that at times I feel I really need to be reminded of it by doing things like posting Van Gogh's last painting.
Why oh why would I torture myself so?
Because someone ought to. Someone needs to check out that other barely discernible path. Maybe it leads somewhere better?
5. I leave the comments closed because I don't want my creativity stifled by having to worry about the endless obvious points I'm not having time or remembering to mention here. Again, I'm trying to be critical. I don't really need to worry about some person taking issue with my criticisms. This doesn't mean I'm a closeminded person. I love to be told I'm wrong but this here is the formative stage of creativity where criticisms get in the way. As time passes I may eventually post less and less often here (and get more into actual fiction writing) and then when I do bother to post it may be more well thought out and perhaps some day I'd even open up comments.
Also comments open would really wreck havoc on the whole imaginary eyes/muse concept.
6. People I communicate with who know of this blog,
Please, please don't assume what I write here has anything to do with you. In fact if I say something negative about some anonymous person in this blog, you can basically be certain it isn't about you. Even when I say negative things about any other people by the way, I always believe they can change, and although at times I've vented, in the real world there is no person I hate. None at all. I recognize we are all imperfect but all capable of change.
Also please, please don't think my reason for communicating with you is necessarily related at all to the purposes of this blog. Whatever communications I've done that have been tied (linked back) to this blog, have been just to be nice, etc. Me just following my ethical code and/or finding people I'd want to be friends with/see such as possible..., etc. (Or really wanting to ask a question and not having a better way to do it.) Although as far as making friends, I really think this blog would unfortunately scare off all but the most intelligent.
Personal experiments can be comically painful things. Not only in failing spectacularly but also in that it can end up appearing the experimenter must be a nutter, as they may be doing something other than just conforming.
I can conform quite well, but I recognize all too well when I'm just mindlessly conforming and as I look at the world it seems I'm correct in believing I should be questioning everything.
So this blog started as an experiment but is multiple things and slowly changes from day to day in terms of tone and level of conformity and what I'm experimenting with, etc. The original experiment had to do with something Milan Kundera mentioned: the concept of imaginary eyes. He claims that everyone has imaginary eyes upon them. He said you could be imagining the whole world, or a group of friends or your lover or, rarest of all, an imaginary person. You imagine these eyes are watching you. You can pretend to talk to them. They care about your life. They make you feel not so alone, etc.
Kundera didn't mention it but I wonder if some people's imaginary eyes are 'god'. I also wonder if all people actually have imaginary eyes. I've asked around and of course people claim they don't. But all of us hardly understand what's going on within us a good part of the time, so unfortunately all the time people will adamently claim things that aren't necessarily true. I think that most of us sometimes do and sometimes don't feel as if we have imaginary eyes on us. Not literally, not paranoid schizophrenia, but often just in terms of a separate part of us that is constantly reassessing our actions. But that often we hardly notice as being something separate. I think perhaps the ability to cry takes a belief, on some level, that someone is watching, someone is at least present who could potentially care; as crying is the form of unhappiness (sadness) where we are appealing for help.
This blog was originally, primarily, an attempt to cultivate the eyes of an imaginary person upon me whom even if I haphazardly write something down that isn't well explained, they'll understand and be interested in it. This as opposed to microsoft word where it at least used to be that I imagined I was utterly alone and who really cared? In the beginning this stifled my creativity. I needed to imagine someone was listening.
Why not just have real live people who actually are listening? Unfortunately one can rarely be totally honest then. And one has to constantly worry about being misunderstood.
So first and foremost that was the original point of this blog. Imaginary eyes or an imaginary muse to get my creativity going, to start actually producing something. With a long term goal of writing fiction, etc...
Secondly, or just the first point expressed somewhat differently, this is something to try to help me avoid writer's block and to just remember all the endless little more or less original things I've thought up. (Not necessarily anything that is truly original, but things that I reinvented I suppose.) I really like the labels/key terms function. It's nice to be able to scroll down through the words and quickly remember concepts and be able to click and immediately all the stuff I've written on such and such is compiled.
Thirdly this is a sort of diary. The idea of going through life and just forgetting pretty much everything I've thought and been bothers me. Forgetting is a sort of death. But I've never been able to keep a normal diary. I can never stand to go back and read what I've written in the past. Can never stand my previous stupidity and feeling so sorry for that unsuspecting person about to get blindsided by such and such future disasters... I find it works better here.
4. I can conform. I can act normal. I can be relatively happy in the real world. But I'm not ....much worried about doing such things here. Here I am purposely trying to find fault with society. Trying to figure out better ways to live, etc. Reinventing the metaphorical wheel. I am looking at unhappiness. I can be happy but I purposely try to spend much time focused on problems/unhappiness as a result of my ethical code.
The name of this blog, the too far future, refers to the most essential quality of humans in determining how they act, that being the degree to which they are short term or long term thinkers. The more long term you are, the more you 'waste' your time being altruistic, not turning away from unhappiness; the more time you spend thinking about things for which there probably won't be found any solution in your lifetime.
The picture at top was painted by Van Gogh two days before he killed himself. I think that if we truly and utterly break free of all conformity, truly and utterly quit finding ways to mentally frame things so that we'll feel happy, and instead look at the world 'objectively' it is really kind of awful. Understand though, that the understanding of this awfulness is not strong at all in my mind. Weak enough that at times I feel I really need to be reminded of it by doing things like posting Van Gogh's last painting.
Why oh why would I torture myself so?
Because someone ought to. Someone needs to check out that other barely discernible path. Maybe it leads somewhere better?
5. I leave the comments closed because I don't want my creativity stifled by having to worry about the endless obvious points I'm not having time or remembering to mention here. Again, I'm trying to be critical. I don't really need to worry about some person taking issue with my criticisms. This doesn't mean I'm a closeminded person. I love to be told I'm wrong but this here is the formative stage of creativity where criticisms get in the way. As time passes I may eventually post less and less often here (and get more into actual fiction writing) and then when I do bother to post it may be more well thought out and perhaps some day I'd even open up comments.
Also comments open would really wreck havoc on the whole imaginary eyes/muse concept.
6. People I communicate with who know of this blog,
Please, please don't assume what I write here has anything to do with you. In fact if I say something negative about some anonymous person in this blog, you can basically be certain it isn't about you. Even when I say negative things about any other people by the way, I always believe they can change, and although at times I've vented, in the real world there is no person I hate. None at all. I recognize we are all imperfect but all capable of change.
Also please, please don't think my reason for communicating with you is necessarily related at all to the purposes of this blog. Whatever communications I've done that have been tied (linked back) to this blog, have been just to be nice, etc. Me just following my ethical code and/or finding people I'd want to be friends with/see such as possible..., etc. (Or really wanting to ask a question and not having a better way to do it.) Although as far as making friends, I really think this blog would unfortunately scare off all but the most intelligent.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
There's a lot more smiling going on in dystopia/hell then in utopia/heaven.
What's the point in the huge smile I get from that old Chinese man when I buy food from him? Is it really that joyous an event? Is he really that happy to see me? I've bought food for a long time from him but never really had a meaningful conversation. Am I all that?
(1) Is he smiling at me because he's always so damm happy to see me? (2) Or is it because he's trying to say that he's not a threat to me? (3) Or is he trying to conjure a happier world for both of us to pretend we exist in instead of this one where he's just selling some chinese tofu and broccoli to some guy whom he's got no meaningful connection to nor ever will despite seeing him once or twice a week for a couple years now?
I'm obligated to smile back. But I don't want to. I don't want to pretend three with him. I prefer to see this world change instead of just pretending things are OK as they are. But then I don't want to do number 2 with him because I want to pretend I'm in a world where we don't have to continously verify that we're not any kind of threat to one another. I would like to not be continously mired in such savagry(sp).
But we are mired in such. Me not smiling in return could mean I'm a anti-chinese racist. It could mean I consider him just some lowly chinese food making servant. Someone I think so little of I can't give him a friendly smile. I'm supposed to smile. I fucking smile. Down here with the savages. Have a banana.
I want to pretend one thing. I want to pretend we're basically civilized. And that we don't need to act like buying the broccoli is such a joyous occasion.
He either wants affirmation that I'm not a savage (and I guess more importantly to show me (over and over and over again) that he also isn't) or he wants to pretend we're in some very strange utopia or he really is just that happy to sell me some broccoli.
-
When the chop chop (stress of life) gets bad, try thinking about the tick tock (how short and pointless your life is).
-
The first step in being an advocate for nonconformity is proving how good you are at conforming. This to show that your advocacy of the nonconformity isn't simply because you personally are incapable of conforming but that you simply think the conforming behavior is wrong. Unfortunately this means having to do exactly what you think is wrong. Or otherwise being dismissed as a nut.
And at what point do you get to then introduce the nonconformed idea? For most people you can conform for years on end and whenever you suggest something unconformed they will immediately dismiss you as nuts no matter all that came previously. Your chemicals have finally gone out of whack or what came before was all a lie.
(Not true)
What's the point in the huge smile I get from that old Chinese man when I buy food from him? Is it really that joyous an event? Is he really that happy to see me? I've bought food for a long time from him but never really had a meaningful conversation. Am I all that?
(1) Is he smiling at me because he's always so damm happy to see me? (2) Or is it because he's trying to say that he's not a threat to me? (3) Or is he trying to conjure a happier world for both of us to pretend we exist in instead of this one where he's just selling some chinese tofu and broccoli to some guy whom he's got no meaningful connection to nor ever will despite seeing him once or twice a week for a couple years now?
I'm obligated to smile back. But I don't want to. I don't want to pretend three with him. I prefer to see this world change instead of just pretending things are OK as they are. But then I don't want to do number 2 with him because I want to pretend I'm in a world where we don't have to continously verify that we're not any kind of threat to one another. I would like to not be continously mired in such savagry(sp).
But we are mired in such. Me not smiling in return could mean I'm a anti-chinese racist. It could mean I consider him just some lowly chinese food making servant. Someone I think so little of I can't give him a friendly smile. I'm supposed to smile. I fucking smile. Down here with the savages. Have a banana.
I want to pretend one thing. I want to pretend we're basically civilized. And that we don't need to act like buying the broccoli is such a joyous occasion.
He either wants affirmation that I'm not a savage (and I guess more importantly to show me (over and over and over again) that he also isn't) or he wants to pretend we're in some very strange utopia or he really is just that happy to sell me some broccoli.
-
When the chop chop (stress of life) gets bad, try thinking about the tick tock (how short and pointless your life is).
-
The first step in being an advocate for nonconformity is proving how good you are at conforming. This to show that your advocacy of the nonconformity isn't simply because you personally are incapable of conforming but that you simply think the conforming behavior is wrong. Unfortunately this means having to do exactly what you think is wrong. Or otherwise being dismissed as a nut.
And at what point do you get to then introduce the nonconformed idea? For most people you can conform for years on end and whenever you suggest something unconformed they will immediately dismiss you as nuts no matter all that came previously. Your chemicals have finally gone out of whack or what came before was all a lie.
(Not true)
It used to be that if I ate potato chips, etc I could literally feel myself gaining fat. It wasn't just in my head. It wasn't my imagination. I could simply literally feel it occurring.
In the same way, I could feel protein going to my muscles.
This was back when I was more seriously into lifting weights and eating healthy. This was also when I was into protein stuffing such as is the sad norm for most guys seriously into strength training. I remember when I became vegan that I noticed that soy really didn't work for me. It didn't go to my muscles. Lentils, beans, rice protein, etc did. (Nuts did but (I literally felt) were overwhelmed by the fat action.) But soy didn't. Additional soy led to a strange fatigue and overheating. Some kind of issue my body has with soy which doesn't seem to quite constitue a soy allergy... I guess.
Being able to literally feel junk food turning into fat on my body really reduced the enjoyment I could get out of eating junk food. I don't have that problem now. I've lost such sensitivities. Both concerning junk food and protein. Nowadays anyway I eat maybe 40 grams of protein at most in a day where before I ate 250 on average. And I do eat quite a bit more junk and I do weigh more and have a somewhat lower strength to bodyweight ratio, with a bit more bodyfat and I don't bother as much with weighting lifting.
As I don't feel the junk food turning into fat, I can enjoy eating it a lot more. I do need to ease up though. But still, I really did not enjoy being that sensitive to what my body was doing and I hope to never be that way again.
...I don't know if in general I have some kind of ability to sense myself more than is normal. Maybe.
I keep trying to look into my unconscious (eradicate it) and maybe I'm actually more capable than the norm of sensing what goes on 'there', or maybe I'm just abnormally introspective, at my most emotional moments still somewhat detached and watching myself...
This ability to look into the unconscious, much like literally sensing junk food turning into fat, has some extreme negatives. So much of creativity, for example, originates in the unconscious. Looking in 'there' and seeing the truth of it can so ruin it.
Colin Wilson's The Outsider which I'm currently reading, (and I have my doubts about a lot of what he's going on about) talks about as we move away from mere survival and into more abstract, etc thinking (stuff which is less directly related to survival) we can get a sense of 'unreality', we can become nihilistic. To some extent this is what has been going on with me. Except while I'm ultimately a lot less well read then Colin Wilson was at 24, I think I can talk more concretely about such things then him... The problem is actually wanting to bother doing so, (nihilism, such as he talks about.)
...I can feel my blood as it moves through my body. Certainly not all the time. But if I'm relaxed I can lay in bed and feel my pulse in most parts of my body. My feet, my hands, my head, definitely in my chest. Such isn't so unusual I suppose. It's just a question of degree. I'm pretty sure I feel it more than normal. Although as I've gained weight I think my senses have dulled. Thank God! Because this hypersensitivity has been mostly a negative thing. If nothing else feeling your blood pulse throughout your body makes sleeping difficult.
I don't know to what extent such things are an issue for other people. I know that when I have insomnia my pulse drives me nuts. It is I guess the CNS just too turned on... I guess. This weeks run... (it was a good run. Again I improved. Although this time I didn't actually run any faster (for the first time) but I went the same pace as last week while reducing my intensity back down to not breathing hard at all. And I went 22 minutes farther than last week (2:14). Shall now build up to 3 hour runs.)
But this run left me overheated. I can actually tell whether or not I'm going to have sleep troubles based on how hot my butt feels. If it's nice and cool (the usual) I sleep fine. It was hot. So I took two sleeping pills at 7pm and finally fell asleep at 10:30. So I laid there for quite a while feeling my heart. Absolutely impossible to sleep through it's pounding.
When I was about 8 they told me I had a serious heart defect and would have to have open heart surgery by 14 at the latest. That also I should avoid any physical activity. Hopefully the failing of the aortic valve would be gradual enough that they could do surgery first and hopefully surgery could wait till I was mostly physically mature. But there was a chance it could just totally fail at any moment and I'd just drop dead.
My eccentric stepfather decided we'd ignore their advice. And I was a very active kid. Extremely, abnormally active. Since very young exercising myself till exhaustion just because that was the sort of thing I liked to do.
And I did have chest pain. Sharp pains right over top of my heart. For more than 20 years I had sharp pains here and there while thinking I could drop dead at any moment. (As I write this I'm having a very slightly bit of 'pain' there for the first time in a long time. I think from the four 300 pounders I had to hoist around at the hospital Sunday. Or I hope that's what it is. I hope it's not from the running finally getting to me.)
And the doctors weren't completely wrong. Once while doing partial deadlifts with almost 700 pounds I felt something give in my chest. And then I was extremely fatigued for days afterwards. I finally went to the hospital and my troponin levels were elevated indicating I'd suffered a heart attack. I was admitted and spent a few days with nitro paste, etc on my chest. Then they just discharged me without explaining anything. Shortly after had a stress test where the doctor raved that I had the healthiest heart she had ever seen, no signs of any damage, the most hyperdynamic beating ability she had ever scene. Was I an olympic athlete or something?
But the sharp pains didn't quite seem right to be heart troubles. They corresponded to inhaling. At times they'd get so bad I'd have to just take tiny breaths for 30 minutes or so.
Finally a doctor pointed out that they couldn't have anything to do with my leaky heart valve, while she was showing that indeed I still do have moderate valve leakage. This went along with what I suspected as certain activities which caused a lot of stuff rubbing around in my chest cavity seemed to caused the chest pain to increase. The pains I'd had for 20 years were related to something rubbing/catching when I breathed, not my heart.
But for 20 years I've been worried I could drop dead at any moment. What effect has that had on me? How has that shaped me? I suspect it's played no role whatsoever. But I really don't know.
....In seeming to feel my body better than the norm, in examining my own sub/unconscious, I can't prove anything to anyone else. They can say I'm lying or a bit nuts. They can dismiss whatever I have to say. And, as far as the unconscious I really don't like what I think I've discovered. It is extremely nihilistic. (Next need to get HG Wells book that was dismissed as... nutty, etc.... Where it appears he was talking the same things. That movement at all is illogical, etc.)
...the hypersensitivity led me to conclude when I was 18 that without this physical body, without my mind's awareness of it, I would immediately become something entirely different then what I currently am. That so much of who I am is just a direct result of this mortal shell. And supposing I could exist beyond it, I wouldn't be me anymore at all. That what makes me me is this body. Without it I'm nothing but a speck of awareness. Exactly the same as any other speck of awareness. That speck of awareness without free will, my body serving as the computer program that exactly decided my actions, etc.
But I don't think of such things anymore.
In the same way, I could feel protein going to my muscles.
This was back when I was more seriously into lifting weights and eating healthy. This was also when I was into protein stuffing such as is the sad norm for most guys seriously into strength training. I remember when I became vegan that I noticed that soy really didn't work for me. It didn't go to my muscles. Lentils, beans, rice protein, etc did. (Nuts did but (I literally felt) were overwhelmed by the fat action.) But soy didn't. Additional soy led to a strange fatigue and overheating. Some kind of issue my body has with soy which doesn't seem to quite constitue a soy allergy... I guess.
Being able to literally feel junk food turning into fat on my body really reduced the enjoyment I could get out of eating junk food. I don't have that problem now. I've lost such sensitivities. Both concerning junk food and protein. Nowadays anyway I eat maybe 40 grams of protein at most in a day where before I ate 250 on average. And I do eat quite a bit more junk and I do weigh more and have a somewhat lower strength to bodyweight ratio, with a bit more bodyfat and I don't bother as much with weighting lifting.
As I don't feel the junk food turning into fat, I can enjoy eating it a lot more. I do need to ease up though. But still, I really did not enjoy being that sensitive to what my body was doing and I hope to never be that way again.
...I don't know if in general I have some kind of ability to sense myself more than is normal. Maybe.
I keep trying to look into my unconscious (eradicate it) and maybe I'm actually more capable than the norm of sensing what goes on 'there', or maybe I'm just abnormally introspective, at my most emotional moments still somewhat detached and watching myself...
This ability to look into the unconscious, much like literally sensing junk food turning into fat, has some extreme negatives. So much of creativity, for example, originates in the unconscious. Looking in 'there' and seeing the truth of it can so ruin it.
Colin Wilson's The Outsider which I'm currently reading, (and I have my doubts about a lot of what he's going on about) talks about as we move away from mere survival and into more abstract, etc thinking (stuff which is less directly related to survival) we can get a sense of 'unreality', we can become nihilistic. To some extent this is what has been going on with me. Except while I'm ultimately a lot less well read then Colin Wilson was at 24, I think I can talk more concretely about such things then him... The problem is actually wanting to bother doing so, (nihilism, such as he talks about.)
...I can feel my blood as it moves through my body. Certainly not all the time. But if I'm relaxed I can lay in bed and feel my pulse in most parts of my body. My feet, my hands, my head, definitely in my chest. Such isn't so unusual I suppose. It's just a question of degree. I'm pretty sure I feel it more than normal. Although as I've gained weight I think my senses have dulled. Thank God! Because this hypersensitivity has been mostly a negative thing. If nothing else feeling your blood pulse throughout your body makes sleeping difficult.
I don't know to what extent such things are an issue for other people. I know that when I have insomnia my pulse drives me nuts. It is I guess the CNS just too turned on... I guess. This weeks run... (it was a good run. Again I improved. Although this time I didn't actually run any faster (for the first time) but I went the same pace as last week while reducing my intensity back down to not breathing hard at all. And I went 22 minutes farther than last week (2:14). Shall now build up to 3 hour runs.)
But this run left me overheated. I can actually tell whether or not I'm going to have sleep troubles based on how hot my butt feels. If it's nice and cool (the usual) I sleep fine. It was hot. So I took two sleeping pills at 7pm and finally fell asleep at 10:30. So I laid there for quite a while feeling my heart. Absolutely impossible to sleep through it's pounding.
When I was about 8 they told me I had a serious heart defect and would have to have open heart surgery by 14 at the latest. That also I should avoid any physical activity. Hopefully the failing of the aortic valve would be gradual enough that they could do surgery first and hopefully surgery could wait till I was mostly physically mature. But there was a chance it could just totally fail at any moment and I'd just drop dead.
My eccentric stepfather decided we'd ignore their advice. And I was a very active kid. Extremely, abnormally active. Since very young exercising myself till exhaustion just because that was the sort of thing I liked to do.
And I did have chest pain. Sharp pains right over top of my heart. For more than 20 years I had sharp pains here and there while thinking I could drop dead at any moment. (As I write this I'm having a very slightly bit of 'pain' there for the first time in a long time. I think from the four 300 pounders I had to hoist around at the hospital Sunday. Or I hope that's what it is. I hope it's not from the running finally getting to me.)
And the doctors weren't completely wrong. Once while doing partial deadlifts with almost 700 pounds I felt something give in my chest. And then I was extremely fatigued for days afterwards. I finally went to the hospital and my troponin levels were elevated indicating I'd suffered a heart attack. I was admitted and spent a few days with nitro paste, etc on my chest. Then they just discharged me without explaining anything. Shortly after had a stress test where the doctor raved that I had the healthiest heart she had ever seen, no signs of any damage, the most hyperdynamic beating ability she had ever scene. Was I an olympic athlete or something?
But the sharp pains didn't quite seem right to be heart troubles. They corresponded to inhaling. At times they'd get so bad I'd have to just take tiny breaths for 30 minutes or so.
Finally a doctor pointed out that they couldn't have anything to do with my leaky heart valve, while she was showing that indeed I still do have moderate valve leakage. This went along with what I suspected as certain activities which caused a lot of stuff rubbing around in my chest cavity seemed to caused the chest pain to increase. The pains I'd had for 20 years were related to something rubbing/catching when I breathed, not my heart.
But for 20 years I've been worried I could drop dead at any moment. What effect has that had on me? How has that shaped me? I suspect it's played no role whatsoever. But I really don't know.
....In seeming to feel my body better than the norm, in examining my own sub/unconscious, I can't prove anything to anyone else. They can say I'm lying or a bit nuts. They can dismiss whatever I have to say. And, as far as the unconscious I really don't like what I think I've discovered. It is extremely nihilistic. (Next need to get HG Wells book that was dismissed as... nutty, etc.... Where it appears he was talking the same things. That movement at all is illogical, etc.)
...the hypersensitivity led me to conclude when I was 18 that without this physical body, without my mind's awareness of it, I would immediately become something entirely different then what I currently am. That so much of who I am is just a direct result of this mortal shell. And supposing I could exist beyond it, I wouldn't be me anymore at all. That what makes me me is this body. Without it I'm nothing but a speck of awareness. Exactly the same as any other speck of awareness. That speck of awareness without free will, my body serving as the computer program that exactly decided my actions, etc.
But I don't think of such things anymore.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Work can actually be kind of awful. And it's truly useful to practice the Fake Smile. It's good to pretend, I suppose when no other solution is going to happen anyway.
Very over worked today. For example supposed to check blood sugar before meals but too much work and they brought the trays early so some were checked during and after dinner. I spent hours just constantly moving. Eventually one forgets things. It just can't be helped. I had too many patients. And it's awful. Because this is life and death. This is a hospital. Some of these people are quite sick. One guy's intestine today was poking out through his colostomy hole. It reminded me of an uncircumsized penis.
Another guy was screaming bloody murder because his lithium levels were out of whack and they had him restrained. At the beginning of the day his screaming and threats made me feel a bit anxious. By the end of the day, it felt like the perfect background for the environment I was in.
The Fake Smile is the solution. Pass these women in the halls and flash that smile! Everything's juuuussst grrrrreat!
-
I'm dubious about people who work in university philosophy departments. Philosophy is a failure. So far. Like economics, ultimately I think. Economics is only allowed as long as it's supporting capitalism, more or less. That's what gets funded for the most part. Along the same lines philosophy that actually managed to start proving that the actions of the status quo were wrong... well we can't have that.
So, I don't know. To agree to be a part of all that, it seems could be a sort of conforming to a number of actions which aren't leading to the greatest possible good. OTOH, many philosophers consider themselves socialists and communists, etc.
-
...it seems to me the honest and unconformed thing to do would be to take stuff from your actual life and apply whatever philsophy you believe to it. I'm seeing a bunch of people who keep it fake instead. Who conform. Who aren't real. Who show no meaningful applications. Who are mired in defining words....
Zizek says philosophy isn't to answer questions but to pose better questions.
...which just means posing questions that can actually be answered and he isn't accomplishing that. Instead he's calling vegetarians degenerates. :eyeroll:
Very over worked today. For example supposed to check blood sugar before meals but too much work and they brought the trays early so some were checked during and after dinner. I spent hours just constantly moving. Eventually one forgets things. It just can't be helped. I had too many patients. And it's awful. Because this is life and death. This is a hospital. Some of these people are quite sick. One guy's intestine today was poking out through his colostomy hole. It reminded me of an uncircumsized penis.
Another guy was screaming bloody murder because his lithium levels were out of whack and they had him restrained. At the beginning of the day his screaming and threats made me feel a bit anxious. By the end of the day, it felt like the perfect background for the environment I was in.
The Fake Smile is the solution. Pass these women in the halls and flash that smile! Everything's juuuussst grrrrreat!
-
I'm dubious about people who work in university philosophy departments. Philosophy is a failure. So far. Like economics, ultimately I think. Economics is only allowed as long as it's supporting capitalism, more or less. That's what gets funded for the most part. Along the same lines philosophy that actually managed to start proving that the actions of the status quo were wrong... well we can't have that.
So, I don't know. To agree to be a part of all that, it seems could be a sort of conforming to a number of actions which aren't leading to the greatest possible good. OTOH, many philosophers consider themselves socialists and communists, etc.
-
...it seems to me the honest and unconformed thing to do would be to take stuff from your actual life and apply whatever philsophy you believe to it. I'm seeing a bunch of people who keep it fake instead. Who conform. Who aren't real. Who show no meaningful applications. Who are mired in defining words....
Zizek says philosophy isn't to answer questions but to pose better questions.
...which just means posing questions that can actually be answered and he isn't accomplishing that. Instead he's calling vegetarians degenerates. :eyeroll:
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