There's a lot more smiling going on in dystopia/hell then in utopia/heaven.

What's the point in the huge smile I get from that old Chinese man when I buy food from him? Is it really that joyous an event? Is he really that happy to see me? I've bought food for a long time from him but never really had a meaningful conversation. Am I all that?

(1) Is he smiling at me because he's always so damm happy to see me? (2) Or is it because he's trying to say that he's not a threat to me? (3) Or is he trying to conjure a happier world for both of us to pretend we exist in instead of this one where he's just selling some chinese tofu and broccoli to some guy whom he's got no meaningful connection to nor ever will despite seeing him once or twice a week for a couple years now?

I'm obligated to smile back. But I don't want to. I don't want to pretend three with him. I prefer to see this world change instead of just pretending things are OK as they are. But then I don't want to do number 2 with him because I want to pretend I'm in a world where we don't have to continously verify that we're not any kind of threat to one another. I would like to not be continously mired in such savagry(sp).

But we are mired in such. Me not smiling in return could mean I'm a anti-chinese racist. It could mean I consider him just some lowly chinese food making servant. Someone I think so little of I can't give him a friendly smile. I'm supposed to smile. I fucking smile. Down here with the savages. Have a banana.

I want to pretend one thing. I want to pretend we're basically civilized. And that we don't need to act like buying the broccoli is such a joyous occasion.

He either wants affirmation that I'm not a savage (and I guess more importantly to show me (over and over and over again) that he also isn't) or he wants to pretend we're in some very strange utopia or he really is just that happy to sell me some broccoli.

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When the chop chop (stress of life) gets bad, try thinking about the tick tock (how short and pointless your life is).

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The first step in being an advocate for nonconformity is proving how good you are at conforming. This to show that your advocacy of the nonconformity isn't simply because you personally are incapable of conforming but that you simply think the conforming behavior is wrong. Unfortunately this means having to do exactly what you think is wrong. Or otherwise being dismissed as a nut.

And at what point do you get to then introduce the nonconformed idea? For most people you can conform for years on end and whenever you suggest something unconformed they will immediately dismiss you as nuts no matter all that came previously. Your chemicals have finally gone out of whack or what came before was all a lie.

(Not true)