Being openminded goes with being unhappy generally while being closeminded goes with being happy.
Only if you're unhappy is there any motivation to change, to try to learn new things, etc.
If you're happy, learning something new could be dangerous. It could spoil your happiness. It really could.
But of course the reality is more complicated. People are degrees of happy and unhappy. And lots of people want to get happier (what percentage? 100%? 75%?) Anyone who wants to get happier has a reason to be curious, to be openminded. But for everyone it's just a matter of looking at something and judging the probability that going down that road will likely end up in a greater level on unhappiness as opposed to happiness.
....So these social norms we've got. Are they the right ones? What if, as a result of thinking about it, you find they aren't? What then? Before you bother thinking about such a thing, most people would realize that these social norms are not going to change at all. Thus it would really be a lot better if they just learned to make do. They should adapt to the current social norms. Convince themselves that they're for the best and leave it at that.
They should be closeminded because going down that road will only lead to unhappiness.
Only someone simply unable to "happily" adapt would question the social norms. Only someone unhappy would be that openminded.
Or someone who bizarrely thought that the most important social norm was to question everything. But I doubt anyone actually really believes that.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Fake smiles
There is reality. There is making do with reality, finding a way to be happy within it. And then there is instead rejecting it. Saying it's not good enough. Searching for something better.
Just to try to say the latter sounds ridiculous. And hardly anyone does it really.
But to be utterly honest is to do the latter. To put on a "fake" smile is the former. To be considerate is to put on a fake smile for them and turn 'not much' into some little piece of happiness. And the goal is that it shouldn't be fake. You have to make yourself actually feel that smile. For them. To make them happy. To bring some small happiness into their lives right then and there.
To search for some distant utopia in the too far future is to not smile. To sit stony faced, although pleasant enough... usually. But to be honest often falls outside being pleasant. And as a truth seeker searching for truth, practicing the golden rule, that ought to be fine.
Except you're surrounded by people not living for the too far future. People living for today. People who need halfway worthwhile, halfway livable memories today. They hide their unhappiness from you out of consideration for you....???? You should do the same?
Pangloss the world? Put on a smile no matter how ridiculous? Make a happy moment out of consideration for them?
Strike some balance? Where the illogical smile, conjured from a half pretend world brings some little bit of of something standable into this one? But where we end up learning to hide too much negativity from one another. Destroying communication. A hell hidden by a stepford (sp) mentality. Where everyone is too nihilistic to seek any meaningful truth. Too tired to believe any real change is possible. http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6308420
?
If I strike a balance. If I do both. I'll not be acting so very consistent. This inconsistency will seem dishonest to me. But I have it in me though. After so long I can conjure a smile again. Finally.
I sort of have to forget utopia and think this dystopia is magical. This silly joke of a world. Out there is nothing of merit but within me there is something. The utopia is within. And I must just bring it out instead of looking around and reflecting how I see it nowhere around me.
...but it's unscientific. To partially hide the truth.
To hide the negative and share the positive is like throwing out the experiments that had results you didn't care for. It's utterly unscientific. It destroys the concept of truth seeking. One can either be honest all the time (at least with some people, in some medium...) or they must say to hell with learning. They must say to hell with learning much of anything. Let's just survive tolerably till we die.
Just to try to say the latter sounds ridiculous. And hardly anyone does it really.
But to be utterly honest is to do the latter. To put on a "fake" smile is the former. To be considerate is to put on a fake smile for them and turn 'not much' into some little piece of happiness. And the goal is that it shouldn't be fake. You have to make yourself actually feel that smile. For them. To make them happy. To bring some small happiness into their lives right then and there.
To search for some distant utopia in the too far future is to not smile. To sit stony faced, although pleasant enough... usually. But to be honest often falls outside being pleasant. And as a truth seeker searching for truth, practicing the golden rule, that ought to be fine.
Except you're surrounded by people not living for the too far future. People living for today. People who need halfway worthwhile, halfway livable memories today. They hide their unhappiness from you out of consideration for you....???? You should do the same?
Pangloss the world? Put on a smile no matter how ridiculous? Make a happy moment out of consideration for them?
Strike some balance? Where the illogical smile, conjured from a half pretend world brings some little bit of of something standable into this one? But where we end up learning to hide too much negativity from one another. Destroying communication. A hell hidden by a stepford (sp) mentality. Where everyone is too nihilistic to seek any meaningful truth. Too tired to believe any real change is possible. http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6308420
?
If I strike a balance. If I do both. I'll not be acting so very consistent. This inconsistency will seem dishonest to me. But I have it in me though. After so long I can conjure a smile again. Finally.
I sort of have to forget utopia and think this dystopia is magical. This silly joke of a world. Out there is nothing of merit but within me there is something. The utopia is within. And I must just bring it out instead of looking around and reflecting how I see it nowhere around me.
...but it's unscientific. To partially hide the truth.
To hide the negative and share the positive is like throwing out the experiments that had results you didn't care for. It's utterly unscientific. It destroys the concept of truth seeking. One can either be honest all the time (at least with some people, in some medium...) or they must say to hell with learning. They must say to hell with learning much of anything. Let's just survive tolerably till we die.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
A Bit of Hell
I can't use good grammar and so on when writing the following. I can't attempt to truly describe/explain all of the following. I could never really relate it. I could never give it justice no matter what I do. But this is a sort of experiment for me:
So long ago I went to college to become an engineer. I hated it. Knew this within two years of starting. Hated so many different things about it. My fellow students were the most unfriendly, boring, yet arrogant people I've known. The professors were basically the same. The work was cold, dead. My internship at Toyota showed me that at the end of all that hard work was a disgusting job doing the world no good.
I wanted to change majors. But I'm not good at quitting things. Plus I was screamed at that I was insane, etc by the few people I had any "support" from in this life.
So I got a BS in mechanical engineering and couldn't find a job. I could have looked somewhat harder. But I wanted to stay in the area as my wife had a great job. There were really no jobs in the area. So I went and delivered pizzas for a while.
And I got treated like total shit even doing that. Boss belonged in a mental institution. Went around screaming and yelling, slamming doors, etc. Had employees walk out all the time. Anyway even if it had been a pleasant job, of course I had to go do something else what with a BS in engineering. So I went back to get an MS.
Getting an MS was like from a horror film. The most disgusting lying idiot I've ever known was my advisor. I suppose... what? I should have tried to switch advisors...... But he was doing the one thing at the university I could stand within engineering. And that was the one thing that was basically not hardly typical engineering. Aerosol science. At least that was a way to get away from assembly lines and/or staring at a computer screen doing math, etc.
But he really had no clue and I was very worried I would get this MS and there'd be no job out there for my experience at all. It was a very, very, very stressful and unhappy time (much like the time before and the time after and so on.)
But I did get a job as a graduate student working at a national laboratory. (Does it matter which one? I don't think so. I think they're pretty much the same.) And my boss (no, it's not just me!) seemed to have serious "issues". But I felt so lucky to get a job offer at all that I took it. Turned out be very stressful dealing with this person who seemed to have issues with irrational paranoia. She would periodically get it into her head that this or that person was out to get her and then she'd do whatever she could to destroy them. I was worried that sooner or later I'd be the target. Also the work was at best useless.
Eventually she convinced me that I was doing such a wonderful job, that I was so certain to be hired on permanent, that I should buy a house, that we did go ahead and buy a house.
And I went on the first vacation I had been on in over ten years. Went to Manchester, UK. Oh how I love the UK. So strongly feel I should have lived my life there. Anyway I met a bunch of fellow vegans there. I came back and signed the final papers for buying the house.
Literally the next day the knife was inserted deep into my back by my boss. I was accused of everything under the sun in a meeting with the higher ups. I wasn't fired. I was a graduate student anyway working on my third one year appointment. If I hadn't just bought a house I would have immediately begun looking for work elsewhere (should have done so anyway). Instead I hoped like all hell to somehow get back in this person's good graces. (but was it all a pretext? Was it really that the job required a security clearance eventually and I had traveled overseas and met up with a bunch of vegans, some of whom it turns out were anarchists?)
I got a surprise escort out at the end of my appointment. Officially "due to lack of funding." My one invention stolen.
Graduate students in very small scientific fields who get escorted out of their workplaces can generally kiss their careers goodbye. Which I slowly did over the next year while unemployed.
On top of it all (and this for me is the same as for so many others) what ended up being the worst part by far was seeing the great indifference that was shown to me during this time. An indifference that I would not and have not ever shown anyone else, yet was shown towards me almost universally. All my work colleagues. Past friends. Even the vegan group I knew online.
I suppose no one gives a shit about anyone online. I guess I should adapt to that social norm. But I haven't quite done so even yet.
How I was treated even by the vegans left me to feel that if such was the case, there was truly no hope for mankind. When even the supposedly most compassionate 1% act like this, what hope have we?
During this time the people who weren't indifferent to me were basically my wife and parents.
I suppose I take my wife for granted because sadly the sick way this world is, quite a few spouses leave after the loss of a job. Which is just horrific to me. Apparently some people justify it in their heads that they're doing the person a favor. To help them get out of their rut. Which seems quite horrible to me. I imagine such a person who thinks like this looking like a new character from hellraiser.
About like this:
http://citron-lim.wz.cz/pictures/hellraiser03.jpg
So long ago I went to college to become an engineer. I hated it. Knew this within two years of starting. Hated so many different things about it. My fellow students were the most unfriendly, boring, yet arrogant people I've known. The professors were basically the same. The work was cold, dead. My internship at Toyota showed me that at the end of all that hard work was a disgusting job doing the world no good.
I wanted to change majors. But I'm not good at quitting things. Plus I was screamed at that I was insane, etc by the few people I had any "support" from in this life.
So I got a BS in mechanical engineering and couldn't find a job. I could have looked somewhat harder. But I wanted to stay in the area as my wife had a great job. There were really no jobs in the area. So I went and delivered pizzas for a while.
And I got treated like total shit even doing that. Boss belonged in a mental institution. Went around screaming and yelling, slamming doors, etc. Had employees walk out all the time. Anyway even if it had been a pleasant job, of course I had to go do something else what with a BS in engineering. So I went back to get an MS.
Getting an MS was like from a horror film. The most disgusting lying idiot I've ever known was my advisor. I suppose... what? I should have tried to switch advisors...... But he was doing the one thing at the university I could stand within engineering. And that was the one thing that was basically not hardly typical engineering. Aerosol science. At least that was a way to get away from assembly lines and/or staring at a computer screen doing math, etc.
But he really had no clue and I was very worried I would get this MS and there'd be no job out there for my experience at all. It was a very, very, very stressful and unhappy time (much like the time before and the time after and so on.)
But I did get a job as a graduate student working at a national laboratory. (Does it matter which one? I don't think so. I think they're pretty much the same.) And my boss (no, it's not just me!) seemed to have serious "issues". But I felt so lucky to get a job offer at all that I took it. Turned out be very stressful dealing with this person who seemed to have issues with irrational paranoia. She would periodically get it into her head that this or that person was out to get her and then she'd do whatever she could to destroy them. I was worried that sooner or later I'd be the target. Also the work was at best useless.
Eventually she convinced me that I was doing such a wonderful job, that I was so certain to be hired on permanent, that I should buy a house, that we did go ahead and buy a house.
And I went on the first vacation I had been on in over ten years. Went to Manchester, UK. Oh how I love the UK. So strongly feel I should have lived my life there. Anyway I met a bunch of fellow vegans there. I came back and signed the final papers for buying the house.
Literally the next day the knife was inserted deep into my back by my boss. I was accused of everything under the sun in a meeting with the higher ups. I wasn't fired. I was a graduate student anyway working on my third one year appointment. If I hadn't just bought a house I would have immediately begun looking for work elsewhere (should have done so anyway). Instead I hoped like all hell to somehow get back in this person's good graces. (but was it all a pretext? Was it really that the job required a security clearance eventually and I had traveled overseas and met up with a bunch of vegans, some of whom it turns out were anarchists?)
I got a surprise escort out at the end of my appointment. Officially "due to lack of funding." My one invention stolen.
Graduate students in very small scientific fields who get escorted out of their workplaces can generally kiss their careers goodbye. Which I slowly did over the next year while unemployed.
On top of it all (and this for me is the same as for so many others) what ended up being the worst part by far was seeing the great indifference that was shown to me during this time. An indifference that I would not and have not ever shown anyone else, yet was shown towards me almost universally. All my work colleagues. Past friends. Even the vegan group I knew online.
I suppose no one gives a shit about anyone online. I guess I should adapt to that social norm. But I haven't quite done so even yet.
How I was treated even by the vegans left me to feel that if such was the case, there was truly no hope for mankind. When even the supposedly most compassionate 1% act like this, what hope have we?
During this time the people who weren't indifferent to me were basically my wife and parents.
I suppose I take my wife for granted because sadly the sick way this world is, quite a few spouses leave after the loss of a job. Which is just horrific to me. Apparently some people justify it in their heads that they're doing the person a favor. To help them get out of their rut. Which seems quite horrible to me. I imagine such a person who thinks like this looking like a new character from hellraiser.
About like this:
http://citron-lim.wz.cz/pictures/hellraiser03.jpg
I've heard the following said by many ugly people but at least they're being truthful when they say it, "I don't care at all about anyone in this world except my family. To hell with everyone else, etc."
It's true I guess. And it's disgusting that it's true.
I do take for granted that at least my family cared. I am lucky that at least I have some family.
But it would have meant a lot to me to feel like someone else in the world really gave a flying whoop.
And there was this one lady I kept in touch by email mostly during this time. For three years we kept in touch. I suppose to some extent I made her into something in my mind that she wasn't. Because I so needed a truly good and intelligent person to actually exist in this world. Someone I could confide in who wasn't just putting up with me because they happened to be married to me or related to me.
So this person recently said to hell with me. With no explanation she blew me off.
It's the end of that period. The last tiny little positive thing destroyed.
All that was done to me before, I never cried. Because I could never let those evil people bring me to tears. But when finally the one person I had thought was good, did basically the same, I went ahead and cried. Was about two weeks ago. First time I cried (concerning real life) in over ten years.
It really burned up my mind.
On the weekends I work two 12 hour shifts as a nurse's aide. I went to work that next day and felt like I hadn't been there in months. I couldn't even remember one of my lesser used passwords. Also was tired as hell.
Made a very small mistake concerning giving a bath/not giving a bath. I did give the bath, but I just considered not doing so since they were going to be transferred soon.
Next weekend I'm getting an email from my boss. About some other patient that another unit had complained about being dirty upon receival. Long story short, with having a single bad day someone had immediately told on me to the boss about almost not doing something right. And now my boss (who I never see ever) thinks apparently I'm a bad employee. (At least that's my worry. To what extent who can say exactly? To what extent I'm getting backstabbed by someone, who knows?
So, I could follow a chain of ugly events culminating in being a bad nurse's aide. lol. I could reflect on how there's no particular reason why a person will necessarily ever be happy. How instead years and years of unhappiness can continue unabated. How it can go like this till the end.
But actually today was a good day. As my scientific career was destroyed I'm in nursing school now and I volunteered to do blood pressures, BMI's and blood sugars for a health day. I had a decent number of positive interactions doing that. And such things matter. Without such things I'd be sucked under eventually.
Those interactions just don't exist online.
And those interactions largely concern the amygdala. (Which is why they basically can't exist online.) The prefrontal cortex can face anything if only the amygdala can be kept decently happy.
Certainly these people who I had positive interactions with today, might have also treated me about as bad as I've been treated these last ten years. I would say it's highly probable they would have. Just don't tell my amygdala this. As long as it doesn't know, I suppose I can go along my merry illogical way.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Beginning
So then... because someone else's blog meant something to me. Because I'm motivated to think so ridiculously hard and it's a shame that it will... probably all be for... not much.
Didn't for years for many reasons....
1. Over 1 million blogs exist? That's sort of ridiculous... Not that anyone shouldn't be heard... But still sort of ridiculous. But then they're mostly just baby pictures... And it took me 6 years to find a single one that was interesting. And I often search all kinds of topics/phrases and am appalled that nothing turns up. So many people... how could this be?
2. The Imaginary Eyes. Milan Kundera mentioned the concept (amazed me I hadn't really thought of it before) that everyone imagines someone watching them. He mentioned:
A. The anonymous multitudes. (Actors, etc.)
B. A close circle of friends, etc.
C. A loved one.
D. Something totally imaginary.
He didn't mention "god/s". Considering how people talk surely some are actually imagining "god" or whoever watching them. But the way even the majority of devout christians act I think they must not always be imagining him/her watching.
Personally, what I imagine is also not consistent. It's this and that. It's just about always somewhat imaginary as virtually no one is as we imagine them as.
With a blog I just might create some imaginary eyes I could do without. In fact... it's probable. We shall see.
3. I have a tendency to go on like Eeyore. Eventually I get disgusted with myself and also create very ugly imaginary eyes watching me do so. I know this for certain because I've already done so with my music that I have online.
4. Blogs seem like so much self important crap littering the internet....
All the same here we are.
So anyway, I'm motivated to think too hard. I think too far into the future. Because I'm somewhat zombified/unable to have a good time in the short term it seems. It's unfortunate but it seems that the most "moral"/altruistic are this way basically, which shoots a bit of a hole into being highly moral. But only to the extent that it gets me off my high horse somewhat.
Didn't for years for many reasons....
1. Over 1 million blogs exist? That's sort of ridiculous... Not that anyone shouldn't be heard... But still sort of ridiculous. But then they're mostly just baby pictures... And it took me 6 years to find a single one that was interesting. And I often search all kinds of topics/phrases and am appalled that nothing turns up. So many people... how could this be?
2. The Imaginary Eyes. Milan Kundera mentioned the concept (amazed me I hadn't really thought of it before) that everyone imagines someone watching them. He mentioned:
A. The anonymous multitudes. (Actors, etc.)
B. A close circle of friends, etc.
C. A loved one.
D. Something totally imaginary.
He didn't mention "god/s". Considering how people talk surely some are actually imagining "god" or whoever watching them. But the way even the majority of devout christians act I think they must not always be imagining him/her watching.
Personally, what I imagine is also not consistent. It's this and that. It's just about always somewhat imaginary as virtually no one is as we imagine them as.
With a blog I just might create some imaginary eyes I could do without. In fact... it's probable. We shall see.
3. I have a tendency to go on like Eeyore. Eventually I get disgusted with myself and also create very ugly imaginary eyes watching me do so. I know this for certain because I've already done so with my music that I have online.
4. Blogs seem like so much self important crap littering the internet....
All the same here we are.
So anyway, I'm motivated to think too hard. I think too far into the future. Because I'm somewhat zombified/unable to have a good time in the short term it seems. It's unfortunate but it seems that the most "moral"/altruistic are this way basically, which shoots a bit of a hole into being highly moral. But only to the extent that it gets me off my high horse somewhat.
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