She walks in the large report room in the morning for a day shift: "___, I heard all you did all night was watch Tales From The Darkside!"
What response am I supposed to give? Is this supposed to be funny? Or is she accusing me of being lazy? What's funny about it? The look on my face I suppose, as I sit there baffled, annoyed and slightly fearful of how I can respond to these constant disparaging remarks. Yes, that's real funny I'm sure to her.
----
(Phone rings, I look at the caller ID. Same number that's called at least ten times tonight. They've called so many times we don't bother to introduce ourselves to each other.) I pick up and say: "1134A's in the bathroom."
"Yes, thank you."
"Thank you."
She overhears and says: "Is that how you answer the phone?" Then pantomines what I said but while sounding vaguely retarded.
Is she just being funny or should I defend myself by explaining the whole situation to this person who isn't my boss? Other than explaining what am I supposed to do? Laugh? There's nothing funny at all whatsoever. Just completely ignore her? Then am I being rude in her eyes?
----
i walk into the med room. She's in there with another nurse. With a perfectly serious look on her face she says: "I was back in Stepdown for 15 minutes and I didn't see anyone."
Then she waits expectantly for a response...
"I was in with a patient doing trach care and some other things."
Still very serious and admonishing: "____, someone needs to be back there at all times." Then looks at me with an expectant and still serious face.
"...are you trying to be funny or something?"
The other girl there looking uncomfortable finally manages a laugh and says: "JM is always trying to be funny."
The first girl smiles and says: "Trying? I am funny!" Then walks away.
----
Way back as a nurses aide this person actually took me aside for a private meeting to discuss my failings as a nurses aide. She was full of shit then. Claiming I had done things I hadn't. She was just trying to help me out she said. She was 'concerned' for me. Instead of getting annoyed with her I held my tongue and acted as if I was grateful for her kind guidance in the incredibly complex duties of wiping very sick people's asses.
Still she apparently managed to get upset based on this inappropriate private meeting she had with me. As she then bizarrely ran around talking to the air about being open with people and just getting something negative in return. Wish I remembered the exact words. Surely she was talking about me. But I was sitting right there. And I had tried to be civil with her for her private meeting. How effing bizarre. Er, what the hell am I supposed to do with such as that?
Then followed 6 months of constant jokes about how I couldn't even pull people up in bed.
---
Then two nurses years with 20 years experience apparently tried to have a 'private meeting' with her. To discuss her inappropriate behavior. Excessive flirting with doctors. Spending 50% of her time just following around some guy who worked there instead of taking care of her patients. Instead of going to the boss they attempted to talk to her. Exactly as she had earlier complained that she wished people would do with one another.
She utterly dismissed what they said and has now spent a solid year smearing them behind their back. Walking into a crowd of ten employees and going on and on about it. Basically literally making sure everyone knows how awful they are. And indeed successfully turning some people against them.
What do I do with such a person? Who is now coming to full time night shift to constantly be passive aggressive with me. She confronts me as perfectly serious as can be, constantly. Then just waits for a reaction from me. Why? She gets a kick out of me not knowing how in the hell to respond to her constant attacks. Then, usually, claims, "Oh I was just kidding." Etc. But at the same time she's clearly not joking.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
It annoys me sometimes how vaguely defined is the word 'love'. The reason it is this way I think is because people want to think they feel exactly the same about one another in a relationship. At least some people do anyway. And so they can say they both 'love' each other while having very different albeit positive feelings for one another. The word is so vague because almost never do people feel exactly the same about one another.
It's an unfortunate thing. People have to hide the truth from one another. Our language in this case simply keeps things as vague as they must be. Could this be the case for language in general? Is hiding the truth always important? With the ability to communicate with one another with far greater clarity, with the resulting all around increase in clarity of thought, what would happen?
It seems to me to be the evolutionary edge. Where again, we have ways in which we must be dumb to make up for being too smart. The edge being the point at which our evolving intelligence (which we used to kill all other species) causes us to self destruct.......... And so we must pull back from what we might know.
---
Alan Watts has a beautiful voice. Otherwise not so sure I agree with a lot of what he says.
It's an unfortunate thing. People have to hide the truth from one another. Our language in this case simply keeps things as vague as they must be. Could this be the case for language in general? Is hiding the truth always important? With the ability to communicate with one another with far greater clarity, with the resulting all around increase in clarity of thought, what would happen?
It seems to me to be the evolutionary edge. Where again, we have ways in which we must be dumb to make up for being too smart. The edge being the point at which our evolving intelligence (which we used to kill all other species) causes us to self destruct.......... And so we must pull back from what we might know.
---
Alan Watts has a beautiful voice. Otherwise not so sure I agree with a lot of what he says.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
One has to still believe in people's potential while recognizing the stupidity behind their actions. One has to somehow still believe in their potential while recognizing their willful ignorance. If you don't believe in their potential then you're basically believing that they're evil, that they must be punished in order to learn to be good, that they must have fear in them to keep them on the straight and narrow.
Must somehow believe they have potential despite their willful ignorance. Despite their closedmind.
But how do they really have any potential when such is the case? In the face of the closed mind what is left really but anger and force?
The mind is closed because of fear. Have to reduce their fear enough that it opens...
Must somehow believe they have potential despite their willful ignorance. Despite their closedmind.
But how do they really have any potential when such is the case? In the face of the closed mind what is left really but anger and force?
The mind is closed because of fear. Have to reduce their fear enough that it opens...
What has changed, in the last few years, is that the advice to at least act in a positive way has taken on a harsher edge. The penalty for nonconformity is going up, from the possibility of job loss and failure to social shunning and complete isolation. In his 2005 best seller, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, T. Harv Eker, found of "Peak Potentials Training," advices that negative people have to go, even, presumably, the ones that you live with: "Identify a situation or a person who is a downer in your life. Remove yourself from that situation or association. If it's family, choose to be around them less." In fact, this advice has become a staple of the self help literature, of both the secular and Christian varieties. "GET RID OF NEGATIVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE." writes motivational speaker and coach Jeffrey Gitomer. "They waste your time and bring you down. If you can't get rid of them (like a spouse or a boss), reduce your time with them." And if that isn't clear enough, J. P. Maroney, a motivational speaker who styles himself "the Pitbull of Business," announces:
What would it mean in practice to eliminate all the "negative people" from one's life? It might be a good move to separate from a chronically carping spouse, but it is not so easy to abandon the whiny toddler, the colicky infant, or the sullen teenager. And at the workplace, while it's probably advisable to detect and terminate those who show signs of becoming mass killers, there are other annoyin people who might actually have something useful to say: the financial officer who keeps worrying about the bank's subprime mortgage exposure or the auto excutive who questions the company's overinvestment in SUVs and trucks. Purge everyone who "brings you down," and you risk being very lonely or, what is worse, cut off from reality. The challenege of family life, or group life of any kind, is to keep gauging the moods of others, accomodating to their insights, and offering comfort when needed.
But in the world of positive thinking other people are not there to be nurtured or to provide unwelcome reality checks. They are there only to nourish, praise, and affirm. Harsh as this dictum sounds, many ordinary people adopt it as their creed, displaying wall plaques or bumper stickers showing the word "Whining" with a cancel sign through it. There seems to be a massive empathy deficit, which people respond to be withdrawing their own. No one has the time of patience for anyone else's problems.
In mid-2006, a Kansas City pastor put the growing ban on "negativity" into practice, announcing that his church would now be "complaint free." Also, there would be no criticising, gossiping, or sarcasm. To reprogram the congregation, the Reverend Will Bowen distributed purple silicone bracelets that were to be worn as reminders. The goal? Twenty-one complaint-free days, after which the complaining habit would presumably be broken. If the wearer broke down and complained about something, then the bracelet was to be transferred to the other wrist. This bold attack on negativity brought Bowen a spread in People magazine and a spot on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Within a few months, his church had given out 4.5 million purple bracelets to people in over eighty countries. He envisions a complaint-free world and boasts that his bracelets have been distributed within schools, prisons, and homeless shelters. There is no word yet on how successful they have been in the latter two settings.
So the claim that acting in a positive way leads to success becomes self-fulfilling, at least in the negative sense that not doing so can lead to more profound forms of failure, such as rejection by employers or even one's fellow worshipers. When the gurus advise dropping "negative" people, they are also issuing a warning: smile and be agreeable, go with the flow--or prepare to be ostracized.
It is not enough, though, to cull the negative people from one's immediate circle of contacts; information about the larger human world must be carefully censored. All the world must be carefully censored. All the motivators and gurus of positivity agree that it is a mistake to read newspapers or watch the news....
...This retreat from the real drama and tragedy of human events is suggestive of a deep helplessness at the core of positive thinking. Why not follow the news? Because, as my informant at the NSA meeting told me, "You can't do anything about it." Braley similary dismisses reports of disasters: "That's negative news that can cause you emotional sadness, but that you can't do anything about." The possibilities of contributing to relief funds, joining an antiwar movement, or lobbying for more humane government policies are not even considered. But at the very least there seems to be an acknowledgement here that no amount of attitude adjustment can make good news out of headlines beginning with "Civilian casualties mount..." or "Famine spreads..."
Of course, if the powers of the mind truly "infinite," one wholdnot have to eliminate negative people from one's life either; one could, for example, simply choose to interpret their behavior in a positive way--maybe he's critizing me for my own good, maybe she's being sullen because she likes me so much and I haven't been attentive, and so on. The advice that you must change your environment--for example, by eliminating negative people and news--is an admission that there may in fact be a "real world" out there that is utterly unaffected by our wishes. In the face of this terrifying possibility, the only "positive" response is to withdraw into one's own carefully constructed world of constant approval and affirmation, nice news and smiling people.
Barbara Ehrenreich, Bright-Sided. pg 55.
Not only does this absurd "positivity" have negative results. The need to do it in the first place strongly suggests that at heart the practitioner has an incredibly negative outlook on the world. It suggests they don't believe problems can be solved and it's best to just pretend like none are present. Just smile and ignore all problems and ignore anyone who isn't doing the same, as what else could possibly be done? Making long term changes are hopeless. Just pretend everything is already fine.
Negative People SUCK!
That may sound harsh, but the fact is that negative people do suck. They suck the energy out of positive people like you and me. They suck the energy and life out of a good company, a good team, a good relationship... Avoid them at all cost. If you have to cut ties with people you've known for a long time because they're actually a negative drain on you, then so be it. Trust me, you're better off without them.
What would it mean in practice to eliminate all the "negative people" from one's life? It might be a good move to separate from a chronically carping spouse, but it is not so easy to abandon the whiny toddler, the colicky infant, or the sullen teenager. And at the workplace, while it's probably advisable to detect and terminate those who show signs of becoming mass killers, there are other annoyin people who might actually have something useful to say: the financial officer who keeps worrying about the bank's subprime mortgage exposure or the auto excutive who questions the company's overinvestment in SUVs and trucks. Purge everyone who "brings you down," and you risk being very lonely or, what is worse, cut off from reality. The challenege of family life, or group life of any kind, is to keep gauging the moods of others, accomodating to their insights, and offering comfort when needed.
But in the world of positive thinking other people are not there to be nurtured or to provide unwelcome reality checks. They are there only to nourish, praise, and affirm. Harsh as this dictum sounds, many ordinary people adopt it as their creed, displaying wall plaques or bumper stickers showing the word "Whining" with a cancel sign through it. There seems to be a massive empathy deficit, which people respond to be withdrawing their own. No one has the time of patience for anyone else's problems.
In mid-2006, a Kansas City pastor put the growing ban on "negativity" into practice, announcing that his church would now be "complaint free." Also, there would be no criticising, gossiping, or sarcasm. To reprogram the congregation, the Reverend Will Bowen distributed purple silicone bracelets that were to be worn as reminders. The goal? Twenty-one complaint-free days, after which the complaining habit would presumably be broken. If the wearer broke down and complained about something, then the bracelet was to be transferred to the other wrist. This bold attack on negativity brought Bowen a spread in People magazine and a spot on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Within a few months, his church had given out 4.5 million purple bracelets to people in over eighty countries. He envisions a complaint-free world and boasts that his bracelets have been distributed within schools, prisons, and homeless shelters. There is no word yet on how successful they have been in the latter two settings.
So the claim that acting in a positive way leads to success becomes self-fulfilling, at least in the negative sense that not doing so can lead to more profound forms of failure, such as rejection by employers or even one's fellow worshipers. When the gurus advise dropping "negative" people, they are also issuing a warning: smile and be agreeable, go with the flow--or prepare to be ostracized.
It is not enough, though, to cull the negative people from one's immediate circle of contacts; information about the larger human world must be carefully censored. All the world must be carefully censored. All the motivators and gurus of positivity agree that it is a mistake to read newspapers or watch the news....
...This retreat from the real drama and tragedy of human events is suggestive of a deep helplessness at the core of positive thinking. Why not follow the news? Because, as my informant at the NSA meeting told me, "You can't do anything about it." Braley similary dismisses reports of disasters: "That's negative news that can cause you emotional sadness, but that you can't do anything about." The possibilities of contributing to relief funds, joining an antiwar movement, or lobbying for more humane government policies are not even considered. But at the very least there seems to be an acknowledgement here that no amount of attitude adjustment can make good news out of headlines beginning with "Civilian casualties mount..." or "Famine spreads..."
Of course, if the powers of the mind truly "infinite," one wholdnot have to eliminate negative people from one's life either; one could, for example, simply choose to interpret their behavior in a positive way--maybe he's critizing me for my own good, maybe she's being sullen because she likes me so much and I haven't been attentive, and so on. The advice that you must change your environment--for example, by eliminating negative people and news--is an admission that there may in fact be a "real world" out there that is utterly unaffected by our wishes. In the face of this terrifying possibility, the only "positive" response is to withdraw into one's own carefully constructed world of constant approval and affirmation, nice news and smiling people.
Barbara Ehrenreich, Bright-Sided. pg 55.
Not only does this absurd "positivity" have negative results. The need to do it in the first place strongly suggests that at heart the practitioner has an incredibly negative outlook on the world. It suggests they don't believe problems can be solved and it's best to just pretend like none are present. Just smile and ignore all problems and ignore anyone who isn't doing the same, as what else could possibly be done? Making long term changes are hopeless. Just pretend everything is already fine.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1_E6pHa3hc
What happened to the good music?!!
(Puberty most likely quit happening. But the music corporation monopoly is increasing....)
--
Figured out a way to apply composing music to writing. In music instead of trying to write that perfect song that will change the world, that will make me famous. Instead of going down that kind of sick industrialized road where there's one artist for hundreds of thousands or millions I've somewhat embraced the random.
The random as opposed to this nebulous word: 'creativity'. Maybe the two can be thought of as opposities. A story, a musical track, the notes, the elements can seem relatively random or they can seem to be the perfect thing which brings it all together in such a useful way.
My music is held back because of worrying about the random. Drums especially. Why am I changing the drums here? Why not just the same repetitive beat the whole way? I'm just randomly making a change.
With the knowledge a thing is totally mindless, totally random, I hold back from bothering. The same issues arises in writing stories except worse. There are so many possibilites. It can't be helped that something random is going on to some extent.
The way forward with music has been simple curiousity. How would certain relatively random elements sound when put together?
Then of course to some extent it's not just random. Things do 'fit' together.
And this curiosity is a short term immediate reward. And there must be an immediate reward.
Same idea holds with writing. Embrace some level of the random. Just be curious about combining certain elements while looking for an immediate reward.
--
I got the swine flu vaccination and the influenza one. Very conflicted about such thiings. Modern medicine is so often just wrong. My sister got the swine flu vaccine and missed a couple days work she was so sick. My coworker also got pretty sick. I got it this morning at 8AM and then slept till now. It's affecting my hands. They're very slightly uncontrollably shaking. Hard to type. Almost like a neuropathy. Like a bad reaction... Oh well. I deserve Indian food today.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Mostly finished moving. It's a beautiful house. Doesn't really feel like mine. One of my speakers blew. But it was free (a nice one too). And coincidentally someone just offered me some other really good speakers.
-
...Saints would maybe have awful humor. Because that which is unexpectedly wrong is funny. So they'd think treating people badly was unexpected? Lady at work is either a saint or just very passive agressive. A year or so back I apparently didn't pull exactly on the count of three for pulling up some lady in bed (someone so light that I could pull up with one hand by myself). For an entire year she then made sure to mention that I couldn't even pull people up in bed, while making it sound like she was just joking around. Everytime I see her she makes some such disaparaging remark as if it's a joke.
Today she says, "I heard all you did all night was watch Tales From The Darkside!" (Haha!) (...How the hell is that even funny?) I worked my effing ass off. I didn't stop moving the first 6 hours I was there. But she makes it sound like she's joking, so defending myself would be inappropriate, but at the same time... like I really did just sit on my ass all night. Every single time it's something like this and I'm getting incredibly fucking tired of her.
This time though the big thing was a doctor told me something that I was afraid might kill a patient. Rather than get into a big argument with an inexperienced doctor, I asked a few experienced nurses what to do and they gave what seemed like good advice. Good advice when not taking into account that this saint/passive agressive lady was my replacement. I don't think it's because she's a saint. It would be nice if such were the case. I'm fatigued at the moment and really sick of her criticisms of the last year or so. In this case she acted as if she couldn't understand what I was asking her to do, the cooperation I was asking and instead put me in the position of potentially getting in huge trouble; acting like she was clueless that she was doing so. And as if not following a doctor's orders was no big deal. There comes a point when where after three days of sleep deprivation and 14 hour work days, when someone's been having a go at you for a year plus where I really want to just tell her off. Ask her if she understands the concept of being passive aggressive, etc.
But there's actually no way at all to even attempt to point out there's any problem with her behavior. A year ago two much more experienced nurses tried to take her aside and give some helpful criticism about her behavior. She's spent the last year smearing them behind their back as a result. And it appears management took her side. At least appears.
I think she probably is just being passive aggressive and doesn't even realize it. One has to somehow try to get along with such people. Or at the least get them to focus on going after someone else. Or you eventually get fired. Management certainly doesn't want to be bothered with the petty little fights. I guess a thing to remember is that it doesn't appear that her constant disparaging remarks have caused (hardly) anyone else to think I'm a bad worker. Although let's see what she does with this latest one. I expect her to try to ruin me. I'll spend my three days off thinking about it.
I would really like to ask her sometime, "Is that supposed to be funny or are you just trying to make it sound funny so that you can get away with constantly criticizing me?"
The other side is that of sainthood.
Say a person has some work stress, issues of being unfairly smeared as a slacker and/or as inept (such issues are in the back of probably every single worker's mind). To relieve such stress you pretend like such issues aren't really expected wrongs. You pretend like they're unexpected and constantly bring them up as if they're jokes to try to help deal with them, negate them.
Except I don't know if you're actually a saint. At times you really don't appear to be one. And more often than not you're not even remotely funny.
Was thinking the position of The Left is thinking the best of others usually. I've tried to do so. Usually I get angry, think negatively of people exactly because they clearly aren't thinking the best of others. The problem is that you leave yourself wide open to be hurt when you're always thinking good of everyone. Is this lady some kind of bizarre passive aggressive person who is trying to ruin me or is she really some kind of saint?
I'm probably just incredibly sleep deprived. Tried a new exercise program. High rep stuff which quickly gets me in better shape. But has caused insomnia. I should have taken some benedryl I guess at least. I'm dead tired. Feel as if I've had about as much as I can stand.
-
...Saints would maybe have awful humor. Because that which is unexpectedly wrong is funny. So they'd think treating people badly was unexpected? Lady at work is either a saint or just very passive agressive. A year or so back I apparently didn't pull exactly on the count of three for pulling up some lady in bed (someone so light that I could pull up with one hand by myself). For an entire year she then made sure to mention that I couldn't even pull people up in bed, while making it sound like she was just joking around. Everytime I see her she makes some such disaparaging remark as if it's a joke.
Today she says, "I heard all you did all night was watch Tales From The Darkside!" (Haha!) (...How the hell is that even funny?) I worked my effing ass off. I didn't stop moving the first 6 hours I was there. But she makes it sound like she's joking, so defending myself would be inappropriate, but at the same time... like I really did just sit on my ass all night. Every single time it's something like this and I'm getting incredibly fucking tired of her.
This time though the big thing was a doctor told me something that I was afraid might kill a patient. Rather than get into a big argument with an inexperienced doctor, I asked a few experienced nurses what to do and they gave what seemed like good advice. Good advice when not taking into account that this saint/passive agressive lady was my replacement. I don't think it's because she's a saint. It would be nice if such were the case. I'm fatigued at the moment and really sick of her criticisms of the last year or so. In this case she acted as if she couldn't understand what I was asking her to do, the cooperation I was asking and instead put me in the position of potentially getting in huge trouble; acting like she was clueless that she was doing so. And as if not following a doctor's orders was no big deal. There comes a point when where after three days of sleep deprivation and 14 hour work days, when someone's been having a go at you for a year plus where I really want to just tell her off. Ask her if she understands the concept of being passive aggressive, etc.
But there's actually no way at all to even attempt to point out there's any problem with her behavior. A year ago two much more experienced nurses tried to take her aside and give some helpful criticism about her behavior. She's spent the last year smearing them behind their back as a result. And it appears management took her side. At least appears.
I think she probably is just being passive aggressive and doesn't even realize it. One has to somehow try to get along with such people. Or at the least get them to focus on going after someone else. Or you eventually get fired. Management certainly doesn't want to be bothered with the petty little fights. I guess a thing to remember is that it doesn't appear that her constant disparaging remarks have caused (hardly) anyone else to think I'm a bad worker. Although let's see what she does with this latest one. I expect her to try to ruin me. I'll spend my three days off thinking about it.
I would really like to ask her sometime, "Is that supposed to be funny or are you just trying to make it sound funny so that you can get away with constantly criticizing me?"
The other side is that of sainthood.
Say a person has some work stress, issues of being unfairly smeared as a slacker and/or as inept (such issues are in the back of probably every single worker's mind). To relieve such stress you pretend like such issues aren't really expected wrongs. You pretend like they're unexpected and constantly bring them up as if they're jokes to try to help deal with them, negate them.
Except I don't know if you're actually a saint. At times you really don't appear to be one. And more often than not you're not even remotely funny.
Was thinking the position of The Left is thinking the best of others usually. I've tried to do so. Usually I get angry, think negatively of people exactly because they clearly aren't thinking the best of others. The problem is that you leave yourself wide open to be hurt when you're always thinking good of everyone. Is this lady some kind of bizarre passive aggressive person who is trying to ruin me or is she really some kind of saint?
I'm probably just incredibly sleep deprived. Tried a new exercise program. High rep stuff which quickly gets me in better shape. But has caused insomnia. I should have taken some benedryl I guess at least. I'm dead tired. Feel as if I've had about as much as I can stand.
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