ugly relationships

I was reading Einstein quotes and found that he made a mistake so many people make. People just need (or really want) certain relationships in life. To the extent that they'll turn other people into things that they really aren't. Like most, Einstein wanted/needed to love someone. So he chose the seemingly best possible person, probably based mostly on looks or some other unessential thing and he jumped right in. In reading the quotes it seemed that he was more in love with the idea of being in love then with the actual person.

There are obvious problems with that. It can mean ignoring the reality of the person. It can mean being stuck in what are actually hellish relationships. Einstein, like so many others, certainly was.

This general idea occurs so often and is so rarely understood. There are many young men for example who complain that women only like assholes. That they don't like guys who are actually caring, compassionate, etc. The truth in this is just that women don't like guys who are in love with the idea of having a girlfriend as opposed to actually really liking this women they want as a girlfriend. These guys just want a girlfriend and they are willing to go to unnatural lengths to get one. They are too nice. They sacrifice their own real wants behind just doing whatever will make the women happy. It appears as if they're being very very nice. Except there is a stipulation. Which is that they (the women) be the girlfriend of said "nice" man. It isn't truly being nice just because they want the person to be happy. It is instead a businesslike transaction. And it is not natural and although the women may not necessarily understand what's consiously wrong with it. She usually understands that something doesn't feel right.

And so, they go along, not understanding what they're doing (the nice man). Easily enough they find endless women they "like". But who don't seem to think much of their "niceness" and instead like men who aren't anywhere near as nice.

They can end up full of disgust for the world in general. Going years without realizing they're going after women.... they don't even actually like....

And, they can get annoyed that these women drop them with little to no explanation. Not understanding that the women herself may just not be able to put her finger on what exactly is wrong. (Humans are still very "instinctual" and women especially like to claim it as some kind of good thing.) She may further even feel guilty as she recognizes that this man she doesn't like, is much "nicer" than the one she does.

But actually she's probably right. The nice man is probably so over the top nice because just the idea of having a girlfriend has come to mean too much to him. And he is just in love with the idea of love as opposed to her actually. And he needs to understand that there are things more important than trying at all costs to keep a relationship together.

It is a very good thing if things can be ended on good terms with an understanding as to why they should end. But that sometimes just can't happen. Quite often people don't understand why. And though it would be great if they'd try to work together to try to figure it out, they are afraid. This is a violent world. And as such they are justified in being afraid to openly discuss disagreements. And so relationships are cut off with no real explanation. They are cut off in ugly ways that the person is then stuck with (essentially ugly memories that can accumulate) for the rest of their life; possibly the entire life passes with no understanding ever gained.