I'm in an intensive 2 year nursing program. And as a part of it we have this internet system where right now we have to communicate online with one another. Normally we just do things face to face. The online communication brings back to me how quickly communication can break down and people can jump to assuming the worse of one another. Here I had a small issue with someone not turning their work into me in time, and me having to wait on them, etc. It's someone that in the flesh seems nice enough. No problem. A civilized person not looking to jump to thinking nasty things about people. I suppose looks can be deceiving... But, anyway just dealing with this person online then, instead of in person... really adds all kinds of negatives. Perhaps it's just me. But in the absense of adequate info I do then take into consideration potential negatives that in normal interactions almost always can be put aside...

And so I need to ease way up on the internet discussion boards. I go to them because I'm somewhate eccentric and lonely where I live. I have 22 saved under favorites. They're mostly negative one way or another. Horrible cliques of imps attacking one another, vapid useless chat, or just mostly dead/dying.

Participated in the most ridiculous internet discussion board thread I've ever taken part in, in like 10 years of these awful things. A guy started a thread that contained pictures of him with a type of insect inside his house, talking about one hiding out in his beard, etc, like they're his pets. He wasn't very clear... mentioned something about equality of species or something... But the type of insect it was... appears lays it eggs inside other animals. According to wiki it supposedly does this even with humans. So... I tried to be nice and point this out, while also saying equality of the species and all was great, I'm an vegan myself.

...The guy responds by attacking me. Saying I'm trying to put him down. Reduce him to a larval host. And he goes on to mention he communicates telepathically with these insects.

...OK. So this guy's crazy. It happens. What starts getting more bizarre... is someone else comes after me. They say "that insect doesn't do that". They insinuate I've edited wikipedia to say such a thing, etc.

At this point how does one not at least feel frustration? I understand that this second person is used to discussion boards; probably has many years of 'forumwarz' under his belt. (forumwarz.com) Such disgusting attacks are just the norm for him.... I guess. :( I'm not actually frustrated with him. (And understand here, frustration is a form of anger, I don't believe in it.)

I'm frustrated (angry) at "god".

The positive is believing in a god I suppose. But... who says god is smart? He can be stupid too. Thus, he's not evil. Thus there's still no evil to believe in...

But there's a default... if I make him stupid... then I jump to frustration with whoever it was that created such a stupid god. The turtle on the turtle's back.

I'm still angry at god about this. Brings to mind Sergeant Lounatic in the Bucket of Truth episode of Upright Citizens Brigade. Not on youtube unfortunately. Season three still not released for sale despite cult popularity. Great show.

Was like a demon last night so angry. Still am. So frustrated with you God.

And it's so ridiculous. Me being angry at god. I've heard people say such things in the past and thought it ridiculous. I think at times I was doing the same unknowingly even while thinking other's were ridiculous for it.

But with other's its about how their loved one has been killed and so on. I haven't experienced that and can't say much. Even imagining something happening to my wife is so horrible to me. But still I just can't imagine being angry at god over it... I don't know. But I do get angry over the little things which add up and up, I get frustrated. What a world you made you evil person you.

Eh, I'll get over it. Or not. Horrible mood last night. Slightly better now.

It's so trendy to say famous creative people had mental illnesses.
http://people.howstuffworks.com/mad-genius3.htm

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence -- whether much that is glorious -- whether all that is profound -- does not spring from disease of thought -- from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect"

The diagnosis of mental illness is such a mess. Probably because ultimately this cruel society just doesn't care so much really about such nuts. The hospital I did clinicals in paid nurses 65% of what they'd make working up the road at a regular hospital for example.

The idea of having mood swings doesn't strike me as so very mentally ill at all. Provided that you aren't hallucinating and still being a productive member of society, I don't think it's a problem at all. But I've seen bipolars who during their mania basically refused to take part in the social norms of this society. Are they ill? Or just different? Are their minds faulty I should say, or just different...

I remember the one guy I worked with, he was euphoric during his mania. And the key was saying to hell with social norms. Obviously he couldn't hold the euphoria all the time. I don't know that there was anything at all in his head working "incorrectly". It didn't seem so.

Being extremely "unfulfilled" could lead someone to grasp wildly in all directions and perform actions that appeared bizarre. And it could lead them to not bother worrying how they appeared to others.

Infinite referencing loops... they are at least part of "intelligence". If you don't reference back to "yourself" then you are receiving stimuli and no more. Which is a sort of bliss at times. This is what people say animals are doing. And to an extent it may be true. And when i was young and had less to reference back to; instead just enjoying the stimuli thus focusing upon it more purely with no distractions. Was a blissful thing in a way that occasionally I miss. Still do it of course to varying degrees...

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A man can better spread his genes by cheating on his wife. I think the original movitation that causes him to go cheat (beyond just the fun of having sex with new people...) is a feeling of being unfulfilled which is in many men. Perhaps it's in me and I've just pushed it in a different direction; caused it to take a different form; as cheating is not something I'll ever do. But I have a picture in my head of a man who has psychic links which have been cut. They are angry wounds and he hurts. Sometimes I feel like that. It's all good to talk about finding happiness within one's self but still, I (and most other people) ought to have more meaningfully close connections. Most people just make do. I think more about what could be. Perhaps at heart it's the same thing pushing me that causes other men to cheat. Perhaps not at all. Very possibly not at all actually. I shouldn't put myself down so. Someone at the asexual online community sent me a pm thinking that's clearly what was going on with me.

But perhaps this unfilfullment is why men keep on seeming to create new things a tad bit more than woman... Not always of course. Their love of sports is even a sort of grandeous dreaming that I don't think women do...? Do women dream about having the perfect shoes/pants combo? I don't think so. Such small dreams so often relatively speaking. Because they don't have that something making them feel unsatisfied? Which often is displayed just in cheating to spread genes better.

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How to be nervous:
Don't find the person you're talking to very interesting. Focus on yourself instead of them. Worry/think about yourself instead. Do you have a booger hanging out of your nose? Etc. Don't focus on them because you don't really find them interesting, or just because there's something about them that makes you recoil a bit.
Is being nervous the edge of autism? Learning to not be afraid.... to overcome nervousness...

Some people just flat out aren't interesting at all though. Some people deserve to be recoiled from. Sadly true.

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Ye Gawds how my ears sensitivity changes... Listening to 'trance song', I couldn't even hear that one thing at all the other day. Now it's too damm loud. Yeesh. Are my ears working "correctly" now or last time I bothered messing with the song? I give up.

I suppose I should lower the damm volume on 'Castle Office' too.
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The self help book lady. Oi Vey, how horrifying. A lady who wrote such a beautiful seeming book. She looks wonderful too. Such an angel. I talked to her and her ideals crumbled to dust immediately and it was one of the most horrifying things to see. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it whatsoever. I'd chop off a finger for this person who's basically a stranger to me, for her to be happy, and manage to live up to her ideals. To see someone try so hard to be good. SOOOO hard. Writing a book, such time to formulate this new age Eckhart Tolle type philosophy and ultimately failing so bad. Dying would be nothing in comparison.

Oh well. The door is closed. I can do absolutely nothing.

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Wonderful Astro. I missed you today. With your sickness and disasters we haven't spoken in at least 6 weeks I think. Knowing you exist really makes me feel better.

Although there's lots of good people I feel this way about. You're just at the top. I work with lots of nurses. Lots of good people. And females mostly, who I think have it easier. They aren't forced to warp themselves into some bizarre unemotional creature. Although possibly it's our own biology doing the warping. Doesn't matter.

I know. I'm cold as hell at times. A true little soldier boy, who could run out and kill, kill, kill on the battlefield and all that effing crap.

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Love, with your love I could do anything. Wrote a part of yet another lyric based song that will probably never see the light of day since I can't sing. Was in the style of an old russian/slavakian or whatever song.

"...For your love I'd go to war."
"Kill my brother's and much more..."

"With your love I can do anything...."

It's evolution. Not enough that sex feels good. The organism who's body is flooded with euphoria, energy constantly when thinking about their love is more likely to reproduce... But it's taken to an edge. Where rejection equals suicide. The evolutionary balance line. The evolutionary edge. With suicide on one side. There's others. Just in general having a good time versus being... on edge. But too far and life is so miserable....

What would it take to determine the correct degree selfishness versus selflessness?

Will work on the answer. Being able to predict the future (especially beyond death) seems the main thing.

Why am I really vegan?

Is it because:
To me there is no such thing as not acting in one's own self interest. I don't really believe in the existence of altruism. Yet I definitely act in a manner that appears more altruistic than average. I do so because I see farther into a possible future. And the farther one goes into some undermined hazy future, the more selfish reasons there are to care about the happiness of other beings.

Of course if the people around us are happy, that generally increases our own happiness provided they aren't people who get happy by hurting others.

I live as if I'll live forever in some form. Over such a long term unknown scope, there becomes more reason to just go ahead and keep others happy.

What if when we die we return to some collective conscious along with all other creatures? What if we still to some extent have our indivduality while at the same time being connected with all these others. We kill a massive number of animals for food, what if they aren't real happy about that and harbor a grudge against us into the afterlife while being psychicly(sp) connected to us?

Silly but well, I don't know. And it's easy to be vegan. So this seemingly altruistic act is really not necessarily altruistic.

Or is it just empathy? Just that I try to understand the point of view of others. And thus I literally feel their pain to an extent and simply can't stand then to cause them pain? Is that it? Something so straightforward, not quite so silly.

Is it pride? That I've identified certain behaviors as monsterous and decided I will not act in certain ways simply because I want to play this Game well?

Cussing

And finally... I had always thought it ridiculous, this idea that certain words are forbidden. Whether it be saying 'Voldemort' (actually in a world with magical words shouldn't certain words be forbidden?) or any 4 letter word. OK, I suppose the n word, fine then. But the f word just expresses how you feel, why instead are you supposed to use a word that doesn't express as well how you feel?

When asking anticussword people about this, they of course can't give any logical reason at all. It's just mindless assimilation. If you aren't mindlessly assimilating it either means you're too stupid to manage it or you thumb your nose at the culmination of mankind's history. Either way you're a disreputable person to be shunned. Follow Tradition!

Funnily enough though, my whole cold clinical thing about getting rid of anger completely, means also getting rid of cuss words pretty much. As there's just no reason to express frustration or anger if you're not actually ever feeling any. But supposing you still are, should you hide it? Should be quite careful. Hide it from most certainly.

The Internet is potentially dangerous

Talking recently about 'Meaningful Relationships' and how I've unfortunately been turning to the internet because our society considers most potential closeness inappropriate. A very big problem is that we just can't communicate properly across the internet. Outside of a chatroom you can't properly ask quick questions to better understand someone. You can't hear the intonation in their voice. If they're a liar, it's much harder to tell. You can't see their expressions. Not only is miscommunication much easier. Not only can someone lie much easier. Even if communication is perfect you've still lost so much from what a real social interaction should be. It's a sort of sensory deprivation which is just not healthy.

In so, so, many ways the internet just sucks. And with what was mentioned earlier though... I've found myself drawn to it and trying to use it in ways that pretty much are futile/lead to no good really.

Something related is me just wanting sooo much. Like a ravenous demon. Rewatched Spirited Away last night and I remind myself of the No Face demon. (shudder). There is that in me. Oh well. That to me is what a demon is. Something with cravings that are out of control... I desire a level of connection with multiple others that I guess cannot actually be; a group consciousness.

Some say when we die we go into a mass collective intelligence. Maybe that is what I crave. Maybe somehow I was touched by it somehow, somewhere and now experience a void in it's absense(sp).

Fear of Failure, Hofstadter definition of intelligence

So anyway...

This was just messing around/learning how to do some stuff with arpeggios using synthmaster (not my favorite virtual synth). I'm thinking most... some other people would just delete the file eventually but I like to believe that within any 20 seconds bit there is a full good song and it just has to be found. And I like trying to find it. If nothing else it's like doing a crossword puzzle or playing suduko. Except when you're finished you've actually got a little something you can enjoy for the rest of your life, hopefully. Also if you keep deleting stuff waiting for that super perfect song, you can start accumulating a lot of failure. This accumulation of failure means that when you sit down to write some music, you know there's a chance you'll just be wasting your time, and so... perhaps you just don't bother doing so. IOW, Fear of Failure. A very perfectly legitimate fear of failure. The way around it is to just enjoy finding a way to finish every song... even if it eventually means deleting everything you originally started out with (within that song file that is)... (which actually is the same thing maybe but doesn't seem so...)

This one is kind of the same idea. Was just messing around, trying to learn to do more with drums than usual. Usually my drums are very repetitive. Was trying to do better, also trying to use better sounding ones... but here I just sampled a tiny slice from another song... which I had to add a ton of reverb to make it sound relatively natural. Sort of polishing a turd and this felt like random BS as I was writing most of it. But at the end it came together.

And it reminds me of Hofstadter talking about what intelligence is. The ability to make "sense" of seemingly random stuff. In the movie Victim of the Brain he uses the example of a human being able to recognize a book as being a book whereas a fly couldn't. The idea can be extrapolated to a level where people could improve themselves; something like playing a hard piano piece; instead of looking at each note as one of so many possibilities; getting better at understanding what key you're in and knowing that limits what can come next (although over the course of a few notes you still end up with a ton of possibilities). Or in chess instead of looking at each move in a vacuum and trying to play endless variations in your head; instead you understand what you're seeing; what sort of board position; how quickly things can be reduced down to just a few possible good moves. And my stepfather is a chess addict how is wasting his senior years playing endlessly online. I messed up my back so bad I could hardly move for a few days and played him for the first time in years and won most of the games simply by looking at what are good board positions and what are ways to put him in bad board positions. Only at the end is there little choice but to actually play out the variations of exchanges in my head. At that point I don't do as well and really can't even be bothered to try because it's just tedious stuff. At that point he does well because he's stuck somewhat more in seeing chess in that way.

In his book Godel, Escher, Bach he says in the preface he originally meant for it to just be a pamphlet... (his idea about infinite referencing loops) and... so far I'm thinking he should have just done exactly that. But, of course, then he'd be a no one I suppose, maybe not even working in AI. So as he likes.

...but anyway the point was about finding sense in what seems random (and may actually really just be random...) this song came together at the end. It's about how if you don't recognize how a person you've brought into your life is evil, it doesn't matter why you let them in. It could be that you're just so worried about dismissing a really worthwhile person; that you're just such a bleeding heart; an egalitarian; a person so concerned with justice... It doesn't matter the reason you let this person in, you're responsible for the suffering they bring you. And you never know who is actually such a devil.