There is on the one hand, incredible frustration with this society, with it's social norms, and the feeling of the need to utterly reject it, to furthermore make a statement, to take symbolic actions to express my disgust, my anger, to make it clear... to who? To me, at least, to some imaginary god perhaps, to others I think I must think, but ought to know better.

There is on the other, the reality that all others are just trying to adapt to it, and utterly oblivious to what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, utterly clueless that it's the entire whole of society to which I'm reacting. People just trying to get by from day to day who would be baffled at best if I showed anything of what I'm feeling. To these people I can it seems at best just hide everything, and keep things pleasant, albeit forever meaningless.

Pleasant and meaningless while I know the future holds absolutely nothing. Pleasant and meaningless while I want to randomly scream in every direction.

I want to make a statement that it is nothing. I want to expose it. This is like... I see the golden dream in the distance, I want it, and instead get something meaningless. Always just the meaningless. The dishonest. Anti-truth. The empty. But I can pretend this meaninglessness is something else. And in pretending it can give some nourishment. So do I accept it or throw it away?

Without it, will I starve?

And, will I hurt others in the process?

Will anything good be accomplished?

The thought is that by rejecting it I might reach the golden dream someday, that I will reach truth, the meaningful, that even if I don't, I'll be true to myself at least...

But I'm just starving, and possibly hurting others. Albeit probably not really. Mostly just appearing bizarre.

To speak the truth when it will do no good?
To instead lie?
To just say nothing at all.

Qualities to look for to better avoid more crass treatment by yet another person.

1. Book reading. (Or corporate TV?)
2. Ethical stances above the status quo. (Or primarily concerned with fitting? Pleasing others or pleasing over-I?)
3. Lack of demonization of others. (Furthermore do you tell someone when you disagree with them or just say nothing and avoid them in the future?) This means being intolerant of intolerance in a way.

Spent some time in the spare bedroom in bed with J with both windows open with the wind and rain. We both had a book and snuggled close to stay warm. My latest song wafting in from the other room. All very nice. J is always so warm while I'm usually quite cold. I was trying to read Proust's In Search of Lost Time. Beautiful book but I was quickly falling asleep... Trying to stay awake as I've got to switch back to night shift after 5 days off.. Ate a bunch of chocolate but still fell asleep very early and am here up by 5AM next day... So now the possiblity (again and again and again) of having a 27 hour day. At least (as it happens over and over) not bothering as much to stress about it. This time will go out for breaky and then take sleeping pills.... Which I bet probably aren't so good for me. But what else to do?

Well anyway, this was supposed to be a happy post. Have been running at least 3 days a week. A max of 4, work stops me from any more than that. And have been sleeping very well. Managing to sleep deeply for 6 hours instead of waking up after 3. That is The Reason for the running. Knees and hip joints holding up very well thanks to set of lunges and toe raises after each run. Side effect has been that I'm running much faster. Running with 5 pound weights also.

Anyway, so nice to fall asleep while reading with J. With hohner 26 melodica glitchy reggae coming from other room and the rain and wind and three kitties. And Proust.

Also read Hobb's new Dragon book. Read the entire 400+ page book yesterday. It's both really enjoyable and incredibly absurd on some level. Kept on imagining a friend as being the main character. A lady described as having red hair and freckles and being very scholarly...

And a vikingish Weis and Hickam fantasy that was slapped together pretty badly.
And Black Hole by Charles Burns which was extremely depressing. I suppose the disfigurements were symbolic... It maybe is a good representation of high school...
And The Genius in All of Us, which is I guess what I've mostly thought... That it's a matter of wanting it and then practicing hard enough and smart enough. And that virtually anyone can achieve virtually anything. But, the thing is, the wanting it part in the first place is no simple matter... Nor practicing smart enough...

Trying to find a cello teacher somewhere in the area. The one's listed online have moved/disappeared. Cello is so expensive. Online the talk is you must spend at least 2000 dollars or otherwise not even waste your time. Also must get a teacher they say... I've never bothered with teachers. Past music teachers only seemed to be trying to make me hate music and were quickly discarded. Might end up just buying an electric cello... But for now still looking for a teacher and hoping to rent a 2000 dollar cello...

The quality of keeping it light and fluffy. Has it always been this way or is this an adaptation to a world of so many people where everyone is regularly moving to a new job and new house, etc such that it's just very rare to have anyone other than a few relatives that you're really keeping in touch with over the long term? Instead you learn to treat even what few people that you keep in touch with for a few years as if each meeting is the first and last time you'll see them.

And how do you treat someone/have a good time with a total stranger that you're meeting for the first and last time? You keep it light and fluffy. You crack stupid jokes. You keep it meaningless. You don't talk about anything 'personal' or 'private'. This is just how the well adapted people are such that even if you know a person for years you're still acting this way.

Or is 'light and fluffy' The Optimism? Is showing anything 'private' or 'personal' being 'negative' and dark and thus to be avoided?

I'd rather just stay home and read a book than associate with the light and fluffy. These people really annoy me. I respond to their idiotic exuberant hellos with a frown. I'd as well watch some corporate garbage TV, some reality show as associate with these people. And understand the saying, 'the difference between a wise man and a fool is that the wise man learns something from the fool.' I think it quickly quits applying when the fool is a marionette. When their every action is just an act and there's nothing at all real occurring. The real them is buried so deep they can't even find it anymore. They're buried in layer after layer of meaninglessness. Nothing that isn't a complete and utter waste of time ever comes out of their mouth and they're defiling the truth. They are a lie.

Unfortunately this all means that it's always best for me to just stay home.

A bunch of people successfully caught and shipped off to a concentration camp because they're insanely optimistic such that they refuse to face the obvious. But at the concentration camp they keep their optimism. Making jokes and having a grand old time as they starve to death and/or are killed by their tormentors. A heart warming story for the whole family.

I see the holocaust in how you say hello.
I see the holocaust in how I'm spending this beautiful Saturday.
I see the holocaust in facebook.
I see it at work.
And I see something even worse.
I see a world where we might as well kill each other, because we don't know how to do much really of anything else anyway.
It's horrible but true... I read Night by Elie Weisel and I think that trying to survive in a concentration camp sounds like about as much fun and meaningful an existence as any other. And I have real world experience. I look back fondly on basic training in the military. Being threatened constantly with jail and physical violence. 3 hours of sleep max each night. Pushing my body to its limits daily. People attempting suicide around me.
And I look back fondly. Finally, on something a lot worse than all that. The silent scream. The creation of a malevolent god that I was beating simply by going on.

All of this, I see nothing more worthwhile than it.

I see the holocaust in you and you and you. Over and over again. The way you've treated me. Each and everyone of you. The holocaust makes perfect sense. I look forward to the next one. Because, come on now, let's at least be honest... There is nothing worthwhile in this world. There is nothing that matters. The most impressive thing about humans is their ability to kill one another. Everything else... there isn't anything else really. Just resting periods between massacres.

My kind was finished long ago. I've tried to be an angel amongst these demons and how really was that going to turn out?

First they gathered up the foreign Jews. Took them all on a train out deep into the forest, had them dig ditches and then shot them. One survived and through great hardship made it all the way back to town. Where he told all the others what had happened. They didn't believe him. Said he was nuts. Laughed at him.

When they gathered up all the Jews onto the cattle cars, one woman screamed that she saw a fire, they gagged her and finally beat her to make her shut up while her very young son held on to her.

What sort survived compared to what sort didn't?

It appears things didn't work out so well for the optimists. But then for sanity's sake, one must become an optimist. And they so routinely faced persecution that all this, at first, must not have seemed so new. And with their optimism they assumed that surely the Germans were basically still human...

So you ignore the negatives. You ignore, you ostracize, you dislike... those who aren't optimists. And usually this makes life mostly tolerable.