There is on the one hand, incredible frustration with this society, with it's social norms, and the feeling of the need to utterly reject it, to furthermore make a statement, to take symbolic actions to express my disgust, my anger, to make it clear... to who? To me, at least, to some imaginary god perhaps, to others I think I must think, but ought to know better.

There is on the other, the reality that all others are just trying to adapt to it, and utterly oblivious to what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, utterly clueless that it's the entire whole of society to which I'm reacting. People just trying to get by from day to day who would be baffled at best if I showed anything of what I'm feeling. To these people I can it seems at best just hide everything, and keep things pleasant, albeit forever meaningless.

Pleasant and meaningless while I know the future holds absolutely nothing. Pleasant and meaningless while I want to randomly scream in every direction.

I want to make a statement that it is nothing. I want to expose it. This is like... I see the golden dream in the distance, I want it, and instead get something meaningless. Always just the meaningless. The dishonest. Anti-truth. The empty. But I can pretend this meaninglessness is something else. And in pretending it can give some nourishment. So do I accept it or throw it away?

Without it, will I starve?

And, will I hurt others in the process?

Will anything good be accomplished?

The thought is that by rejecting it I might reach the golden dream someday, that I will reach truth, the meaningful, that even if I don't, I'll be true to myself at least...

But I'm just starving, and possibly hurting others. Albeit probably not really. Mostly just appearing bizarre.

To speak the truth when it will do no good?
To instead lie?
To just say nothing at all.