Cutting off all that is pretend. Cutting off all that is meaningless. Left staring at a wall....

Close to deleting my facebook account. Close to destroying email account. Soon I'll not exist at all.

Soon free to be nothing.

And... running 5 days a week. Really trying to get up to a minimum of 6mph. Feels like a return to youth. A pretend youth that never actually was. Now I can go back and remember it all insanely different from the hell it was. Back then my achilles tendon, my grievous injury... I remember imagining the euphoria if this grievous wound ever healed. But of course there was not really much euphoria. Did that which didn't kill me make me stronger? If at all, only for absurdly useless activities. But the euphoria didn't happen in part because I've forgotten. Through (faster) running it's like I'm going back... ?? (This is a paragraph safely misunderstood, for all of time.)

The problem with music is that it's not supposed to be such a spectator sport. The massive concert of people just watching is the height of the sickness. If at least they were watching some freak, some Vladimir Horowitz at least, that, although also wrong, would be a magnitude better than Brittany et al.

Playing a musical instrument well shouldn't take years of practice. Practicing by yourself 8 hours a day is sick. Music should be a participatory endeavor. It should not consist primarily of bystanders.

Musical instruments should exist that the average person can pick up and immediately play a half decent tune on, immediately improv with others. There shouldn't be pain involved. There shouldn't be the need to toughen up the finger tips, etc.

Plucking/strumming strings is no good. Brass instruments no good (hard on the mouth, takes too long to learn to play, too much spit.) Keyboards too unweildly. Plus 12TET set-up too difficult for novice. Reed instruments too difficult.

And the embochure of the flute is too difficult for the novice. The one I built from PVC, I have to change the shape of my mouth for each note. Then instead the fipple of the recorder and the irish penny whistle, etc... still the issue of overblowing. Will construct a micro-orifice upstream to limit the max flowrate. But still, such a small max volume. How else to reduce overblowing? How to get a louder sound?

Will learn the physics of the whistle next.

Will tinker around. Watched Scanners and The Deadzone last night. Put 5 60's and 70's Godzilla movies on my netflix. Watched short thing on how Monty Python got together (I never had a chance in this life). Will tinker. Will run. At the same time that I cut off everything meaningless, everything pretend, such that I don't exist. And life is such a quick blink of the eye. There's hardly any hurry for what comes immediately after...

I'm of miner stock. A bit of genetic inertia of something else. It's painful to watch. My epigenetics are miner stock at best. Maybe a lot worse. Me not having children is no loss whatsoever.