Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Each step is a passage to safety. One can't step on the grass. One repeatedly passes over the danger to safety. There are endless wrong directions one could take. Only a few correct ones. And one must myopically focus on one's feet. This path is the correct way, picked out by the mysterious wise ones who have long since passed. This is the way through the chaos, through the meaningless.
22 steps from the driveway to the back deck. To where else can paths lead? It's the trip more than the destination that really matters. Perhaps a circle.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Met my cello teacher at violin shop in Pittsburgh. She seems really really nice. Not even slightly pretentious/snobby which was the primary worry. I suppose also I remember quite a few assholes in the past with regards to playing trumpet in a band and trying a few piano lessons. She doesn't seem like them at all. She spent more than an hour playing cellos/bows ranging in price from 1,500 dollars to 25,000 and 150 dollars to 2,500. I purchased one of each for 2,000 and 500. The 25,000 dollar cello sounded roughly 10% better or so...
It's a fun instrument IMO. But I suck. Can't do vibrato even yet. And wander around inbetween notes. Why no markings at all on the fingerboard? Just a few even to keep track of where one is....? Why not?
I think though my 30 dollar wind chime makes a better pure tone. Wondering if I could find a way to get it to play any frequency (within a given range) like a cello can do. Vibrato in particular, which is one of the really nice things about bow instruments. Makes a huge difference.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
In scientific papers and textbooks there is the concept of being 'elegant'. This means that as you derive an equation, replacing terms, simplyfying, etc, you use as few steps as possible. And often simply skip a bunch of steps in between each equation you put down, without explaining how you got from equation 1 to 2 to 3, etc. This is elegance and it's done to make the author look intelligent, with the unfortunate result that the paper reads like gibberish to the majority of readers; not that the readers admit this, the author writes borderline gibberish to look intelligent and the readers pretend to easily understand it for the same reason.
The idea of course leaks over into textbooks also. And this idea goes beyond elegant derivations of course. In philosophy for example one must also be right on the edge of incomprehensible or they simply won't be taken seriously.
And so the selfish interest of one's intellectual reputation to a large extent trumps the concern of successfully transmitting knowledge to others.
I recall a devil I knew. The head of his department. Had his name on over 200 papers. The most important concerning an aerosl focuser of great use in nanotechnology. Incredibly simplistic idea actually. Much like my impacter but even more crude at heart. The papers published concerning it? Absolute gibberish. To the point that I'm sure the majority of people (in the profession) could not even make any sense of what the device actually was.
I recall my MS advisor. A total fraud in that he was simply utterly clueless and his main goal each day consisted of trying to conceal this fact. Something similar goes on for most of them to varying extents, although he was an extreme example. Did he feel shame? I don't think so. The unspoken (unthought) rule was that a fake facade was an essential part of one's work.
And who actually really wants to be a part of such things?
Perhaps it plays a role in so many PhDers from the third world. The idiotic usual explanation is that Americans don't have as good an education system. The reality is mainly that graduate students are treated horribly. People don't actually want to be 30 years old and still with no permanent job, working long hours, making hardly any money, etc. Someone from a third world country that has a life expectancy decades less is far more likely to put up with such things in order to try to escape their home country. But perhaps also the above plays a role. The politics. The dishonesty. It's everywhere of course. But the more education, the worse it is.
As to the idea that our education system is inferior, the actual (unspoken) purpose though of our education system is that of a holding pen for a surplus work force. With our current technology we simply don't need everyone working about as much as we can stand. So, of course, instead of a shorter work week, unemployment increases and youth spend longer and longer in school, getting their PhD's etc in making cheeseburgers (in effect).
It's never admitted that it's just a holding pen. Some place to put them instead of just having free time. It can't actually be reformed because that's all it really is. And we won't admit what it actually is.
Yet we're told we must reform our education system (our holding pen for the surplus workforce) to compete in science and technology with all the foreign people (the desperately poor whom are willing to put up with just about anything) who come to America for PhDs.
The idea of course leaks over into textbooks also. And this idea goes beyond elegant derivations of course. In philosophy for example one must also be right on the edge of incomprehensible or they simply won't be taken seriously.
And so the selfish interest of one's intellectual reputation to a large extent trumps the concern of successfully transmitting knowledge to others.
I recall a devil I knew. The head of his department. Had his name on over 200 papers. The most important concerning an aerosl focuser of great use in nanotechnology. Incredibly simplistic idea actually. Much like my impacter but even more crude at heart. The papers published concerning it? Absolute gibberish. To the point that I'm sure the majority of people (in the profession) could not even make any sense of what the device actually was.
I recall my MS advisor. A total fraud in that he was simply utterly clueless and his main goal each day consisted of trying to conceal this fact. Something similar goes on for most of them to varying extents, although he was an extreme example. Did he feel shame? I don't think so. The unspoken (unthought) rule was that a fake facade was an essential part of one's work.
And who actually really wants to be a part of such things?
Perhaps it plays a role in so many PhDers from the third world. The idiotic usual explanation is that Americans don't have as good an education system. The reality is mainly that graduate students are treated horribly. People don't actually want to be 30 years old and still with no permanent job, working long hours, making hardly any money, etc. Someone from a third world country that has a life expectancy decades less is far more likely to put up with such things in order to try to escape their home country. But perhaps also the above plays a role. The politics. The dishonesty. It's everywhere of course. But the more education, the worse it is.
As to the idea that our education system is inferior, the actual (unspoken) purpose though of our education system is that of a holding pen for a surplus work force. With our current technology we simply don't need everyone working about as much as we can stand. So, of course, instead of a shorter work week, unemployment increases and youth spend longer and longer in school, getting their PhD's etc in making cheeseburgers (in effect).
It's never admitted that it's just a holding pen. Some place to put them instead of just having free time. It can't actually be reformed because that's all it really is. And we won't admit what it actually is.
Yet we're told we must reform our education system (our holding pen for the surplus workforce) to compete in science and technology with all the foreign people (the desperately poor whom are willing to put up with just about anything) who come to America for PhDs.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Feeling strong love for J, cats, and even springtime. At the point of loving spring a sneer comes up maybe like Kundera's hypertrophied soul. But such love is at the least extremely close to irrelevant to obtaining... whatever it is that I instead want to obtain. Immortality Kundera calls it. Not so sure it's that at all.
With 55 inch TV and good speaker system been playing Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. And have been thinking that although it's kind of nice. I'd rather spend evenings with J. To just sit in recliners on the back deck reading books beside each other with the cats and the windchime and spring would bring me far more happiness than playing a video game in the evening. And instead of trying to stay up a bit on my days off, (because I work night shift), instead of staying up to 3 or 4 AM playing this video game, I'm so much happier to go to bed, read a book a short time, spoon a bit and fall asleep with J.
To sneer at loving, really loving, spring is....... I can see it as sick, absurd, nonsensical. I can see it as all that despite having been stuck in such a frame of mind for I think a long time. I think anyway. My memory isn't close to good enough to really say. But pretty damm sure I never 'loved' spring like this.
It's other things really. Takes a lot of other things to feel such a feeling as this. And 'love' could be split into so, so, so many other things. And with that splitting people, like me, might not go decades not realizing what they're missing.
-
Apples are a wonderful food. It's like magic. Money doesn't grow on trees. But food does. Apples are wood like yet sweet, edible. And one feels quite good in a subtle way. It's so gradual and so hard to put one's finger on. But it's perhaps crucial. And I have seen more than one fruitarian who acted like he was on crack, (in a extreme happy sort of way). I missed out on the wonders of fruit to a large degree for many years because I thought protein was so important. And I think that last sentence and feel stupid, but last night I mentioned to one of the endless weight watcher woman at work to try just eating apples for three days. And she immediately brought up the lack of protein. Yet the fruitarians I've known had the highest strength to body weight ratios of the people I've personally known.
Cinnamon has a subtle soothing effect.
With 55 inch TV and good speaker system been playing Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. And have been thinking that although it's kind of nice. I'd rather spend evenings with J. To just sit in recliners on the back deck reading books beside each other with the cats and the windchime and spring would bring me far more happiness than playing a video game in the evening. And instead of trying to stay up a bit on my days off, (because I work night shift), instead of staying up to 3 or 4 AM playing this video game, I'm so much happier to go to bed, read a book a short time, spoon a bit and fall asleep with J.
To sneer at loving, really loving, spring is....... I can see it as sick, absurd, nonsensical. I can see it as all that despite having been stuck in such a frame of mind for I think a long time. I think anyway. My memory isn't close to good enough to really say. But pretty damm sure I never 'loved' spring like this.
It's other things really. Takes a lot of other things to feel such a feeling as this. And 'love' could be split into so, so, so many other things. And with that splitting people, like me, might not go decades not realizing what they're missing.
-
Apples are a wonderful food. It's like magic. Money doesn't grow on trees. But food does. Apples are wood like yet sweet, edible. And one feels quite good in a subtle way. It's so gradual and so hard to put one's finger on. But it's perhaps crucial. And I have seen more than one fruitarian who acted like he was on crack, (in a extreme happy sort of way). I missed out on the wonders of fruit to a large degree for many years because I thought protein was so important. And I think that last sentence and feel stupid, but last night I mentioned to one of the endless weight watcher woman at work to try just eating apples for three days. And she immediately brought up the lack of protein. Yet the fruitarians I've known had the highest strength to body weight ratios of the people I've personally known.
Cinnamon has a subtle soothing effect.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Attached some nice speakers to my 55 inch tv and was listening to the music stations they have up in the 900's. And I find I prefer listening to blues as opposed to electronic. But, this is just because the recording has so much more life. In theory I prefer electronica (at least generally speaking). But I'm sick of the 'sterile' feel.
Reverb for example. Reverb perhaps essentially. It exists to tell you what the room is where the sound is emanating from. One hears reverb and should be able to tell to a large degree what the room was like. It's crucially important. I love huge reverb. But, increasingly I'm realizing/thinking that it must be authentic. It can be a VSTs preset. Using 'cathedral' setting isn't the optimum. Optimum perhaps, or better anyway, would be taking a dry recording and playing it in a cathedral very loud while rerecording it from far away. And short of that, the best reverb for voice is simply standing very far away from the microphone.
So music recorded on a computer. The biggest issue is reverb. That it's all messed up compared to real instruments. That one listens and can tell the sound they're hearing isn't authentically bouncing off real walls and chairs, etc. And so the life is missing. And it's inferior.
...but it's inferior in the way that seeing the zipper on the Dr. Who monster costume is inferior. Which, actually, it's all about imagination anyway. You should already be using your imagination. You should already know the monster isn't real. That you see a zipper shouldn't matter. It's slightly absurd if the zipper matters. And actually being bothered by imperfect reverb is somewhat similarly absurd.... Although only in the sense that each instrument symbolizes something beyond the actual instrument. The bass is a living thinking entity, etc. If the bass is just a bass, truly just a bass in your mind, then I guess imperfect reverb is more of a legitimate gripe.
If on the other hand the bass symbolizes something else, then imperfect reverb is a zipper on the monster costume.
Reverb for example. Reverb perhaps essentially. It exists to tell you what the room is where the sound is emanating from. One hears reverb and should be able to tell to a large degree what the room was like. It's crucially important. I love huge reverb. But, increasingly I'm realizing/thinking that it must be authentic. It can be a VSTs preset. Using 'cathedral' setting isn't the optimum. Optimum perhaps, or better anyway, would be taking a dry recording and playing it in a cathedral very loud while rerecording it from far away. And short of that, the best reverb for voice is simply standing very far away from the microphone.
So music recorded on a computer. The biggest issue is reverb. That it's all messed up compared to real instruments. That one listens and can tell the sound they're hearing isn't authentically bouncing off real walls and chairs, etc. And so the life is missing. And it's inferior.
...but it's inferior in the way that seeing the zipper on the Dr. Who monster costume is inferior. Which, actually, it's all about imagination anyway. You should already be using your imagination. You should already know the monster isn't real. That you see a zipper shouldn't matter. It's slightly absurd if the zipper matters. And actually being bothered by imperfect reverb is somewhat similarly absurd.... Although only in the sense that each instrument symbolizes something beyond the actual instrument. The bass is a living thinking entity, etc. If the bass is just a bass, truly just a bass in your mind, then I guess imperfect reverb is more of a legitimate gripe.
If on the other hand the bass symbolizes something else, then imperfect reverb is a zipper on the monster costume.
It pays to remember what made you sad.
Occasionally my wife asks me to relate a conversation I had with someone and I'm notoriously bad at doing so. I usually give the most generalized summary. It was positive or it was negative. The emotions felt. A couple important details. And that's it. While she can almost repeat conversations verbatim. I sort of wish I had a really good recorder. One with a long battery that was safetly hidden... so I could always go back and repeat word for word what was actually said. That by so doing I wouldn't be stuck trying to rely on this less than perfect memory. With it, I have to recreate things (as we all do) but knowing very well that the recreation is partially wrong. And so I recreate and try to deal with the recreation. But then, because I know the recreation is actually wrong, I will then later recreate it again, purposely somewhat different, and again try to deal with it, and then again and again and again. And so then relive negative events over and over and over. And ultimately handicapped in my attempts to best deal with things as a result??
Perhaps all because my memory is just not good enough. Perhaps with a better memory past ugly events... possibly wouldn't bother me as much? There are other factors to consider.
But, anyway, furthermore perhaps a main reason to keep on reliving past negative memories is that one knows that they're not quite remembering them exactly the way they happened? And/or one knows that trying to reremembering them helps one hold on to exact manner in which they were wronged by someone.
Because what's worse than the holocaust? The complete forgetting of it. That such awful things can be done. And they're just fogotten and thus they don't matter. One can go ahead and do such things because they won't be remembered anyway. Everything is forgotten, therefore nothing matters. So someone does something awful to you, and you surely want to remember, in order to deal with it, but even outside of 'dealing' you still very much want to remember. But each attempt to remember is really just a creation of an event, which you hope is the same as the original event. So you try to recreate. Are you doing so correctly? Even 1/5th through the event, you've forgotten the beginning again, so you go back and recreate it anew. And on and on you go, mired in this ugly past memory.
You recreate it because for it to be forgotten is horrible. And because in the remembering perhaps we learn to understand, to understand evil, to understand what we should do if such events may happen in the future, etc.
No let me go back up a few paragraphs to see what I was originally talking about as I've forgotten.... Thank god for writing... So in conclusion the worse one's memory is for a given thing, such as remembering social interactions, the more time spent, the more time mired in past ugly social interactions.
But also, the desire to understand, the more important it is to someone to understand, to totally understand why people act the way they do, also the more mired they'll be in past ugly social interactions.
Also simply the more open one is to the possibility that they're wrong, the more openminded they are, the more they can manage to accept that 'they' hardly exist really at all, the more able they are to go back over and over again and beat themselves down reremembering past negative social experiences.
Occasionally my wife asks me to relate a conversation I had with someone and I'm notoriously bad at doing so. I usually give the most generalized summary. It was positive or it was negative. The emotions felt. A couple important details. And that's it. While she can almost repeat conversations verbatim. I sort of wish I had a really good recorder. One with a long battery that was safetly hidden... so I could always go back and repeat word for word what was actually said. That by so doing I wouldn't be stuck trying to rely on this less than perfect memory. With it, I have to recreate things (as we all do) but knowing very well that the recreation is partially wrong. And so I recreate and try to deal with the recreation. But then, because I know the recreation is actually wrong, I will then later recreate it again, purposely somewhat different, and again try to deal with it, and then again and again and again. And so then relive negative events over and over and over. And ultimately handicapped in my attempts to best deal with things as a result??
Perhaps all because my memory is just not good enough. Perhaps with a better memory past ugly events... possibly wouldn't bother me as much? There are other factors to consider.
But, anyway, furthermore perhaps a main reason to keep on reliving past negative memories is that one knows that they're not quite remembering them exactly the way they happened? And/or one knows that trying to reremembering them helps one hold on to exact manner in which they were wronged by someone.
Because what's worse than the holocaust? The complete forgetting of it. That such awful things can be done. And they're just fogotten and thus they don't matter. One can go ahead and do such things because they won't be remembered anyway. Everything is forgotten, therefore nothing matters. So someone does something awful to you, and you surely want to remember, in order to deal with it, but even outside of 'dealing' you still very much want to remember. But each attempt to remember is really just a creation of an event, which you hope is the same as the original event. So you try to recreate. Are you doing so correctly? Even 1/5th through the event, you've forgotten the beginning again, so you go back and recreate it anew. And on and on you go, mired in this ugly past memory.
You recreate it because for it to be forgotten is horrible. And because in the remembering perhaps we learn to understand, to understand evil, to understand what we should do if such events may happen in the future, etc.
No let me go back up a few paragraphs to see what I was originally talking about as I've forgotten.... Thank god for writing... So in conclusion the worse one's memory is for a given thing, such as remembering social interactions, the more time spent, the more time mired in past ugly social interactions.
But also, the desire to understand, the more important it is to someone to understand, to totally understand why people act the way they do, also the more mired they'll be in past ugly social interactions.
Also simply the more open one is to the possibility that they're wrong, the more openminded they are, the more they can manage to accept that 'they' hardly exist really at all, the more able they are to go back over and over again and beat themselves down reremembering past negative social experiences.
http://www.rhapsody.com/novakill
(Dead Inside)
"You're nothing but a superficial shell. A husk of foozy(?) consciousness ready to be torn off at a moment's notice."
No! I have things I strongly believe and always will believe! No matter what happens, I won't forget. No matter what new information I'm exposed to, I'll never change my mind! Because otherwise, what am I really?
(Dead Inside)
"You're nothing but a superficial shell. A husk of foozy(?) consciousness ready to be torn off at a moment's notice."
No! I have things I strongly believe and always will believe! No matter what happens, I won't forget. No matter what new information I'm exposed to, I'll never change my mind! Because otherwise, what am I really?
"What makes people raise their fists in the air, puts rifles in their hands, drives them to join struggles for just and unjust causes, is not reason but a hypertrophied soul. It is the fuel without which the motor of history would stop turning and Europe would lie down in the grass and placidly watch clouds sail across the sky.
Christiane did not suffer from hypertrophy of the soul and did not yearn to exhibit herself on the great stage of history. I suspect that she preferred to lie on her back in the grass and watch the clouds float by. (I even suspect that she knew happiness at such times, something a person with a hypertrophied soul dislikes seeing, because he is burning in the fire of his self and is never happy.)"
Kundera, Immortality-217
Christiane did not suffer from hypertrophy of the soul and did not yearn to exhibit herself on the great stage of history. I suspect that she preferred to lie on her back in the grass and watch the clouds float by. (I even suspect that she knew happiness at such times, something a person with a hypertrophied soul dislikes seeing, because he is burning in the fire of his self and is never happy.)"
Kundera, Immortality-217
Monday, April 12, 2010
These last few days bought a 55 inch TV. Which of course has it's negatives. But it's somewhat nice and largely all that this life holds. A wind chime with a beautiful sound. Analog sounds better than digital... but then all recordings are potentially inferior to original sounds and this wind chime is an example. Patio furniture. Planted an apple tree... Next up... I want to work on a wisteria canopy:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/melissaa/379129443/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zhzheka/538364474/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/canadacaw/2406478099/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/50154061@N00/139966169/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bellatrix6/168398263/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bellatrix6/168398512/
And a pond. A large pond. Close to 20 feet long and at least 5 feet deep. Have to fight that out though and that will determine the location of the wisteria canopy...
Also should be getting my 2000 dollar cello hopefully within two weeks...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/melissaa/379129443/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zhzheka/538364474/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/canadacaw/2406478099/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/50154061@N00/139966169/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bellatrix6/168398263/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bellatrix6/168398512/
And a pond. A large pond. Close to 20 feet long and at least 5 feet deep. Have to fight that out though and that will determine the location of the wisteria canopy...
Also should be getting my 2000 dollar cello hopefully within two weeks...
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Slept really bad last 4 days while working night shifts. Attempting one arm chins, etc every 2 to 3 days doesn't seem to cause sleep like doing them every day. Although so many additional factors... Got to sleep better!!! So stopping all heavy weight lifting. Has to be light enough that I can do at least two quick sets of 30.
Thinking also that as I wake up over and over again during bad sleep, each time I have to reorient self. I need to do so in a fake positive way. Need to join the positivity cult during the moments of these repeated awakenings for the sake of my health.
Despite 4 days of bad sleep I miracously felt up to running yesterday for first day off and managed 18:00 for 2 miles. Rest 3 minutes and 10:17 for one more (blah). And 3:57 for a final half mile.
-
Don Blankenship is a good example of human society. It only takes a very few people like him to act in such a manner, to throw out all morals in order to make as much as money as possible. As a result he reaps huge profits and his corporation is growing and growing. Even as he has this disaster he's in the process of buying up yet another company for a billion dollars. All the while he claims his corporation, which has the worst safety record, has the best. To put it bluntly, the shit rises to the top in this world. The 'winners' are those who will do anything, no matter how depraved.
This disaster is no big deal in view of the fact that each year the total number of miners out right killed is about this number. Not to mention all the people who slowly die as a result of chronic inhalation issues, back issues, etc. Add that and the number of lives ruined each year is at least a magnitude higher.
And all taking part in a sort of 'conspiracy' where they each recognize it's unsafe, the air is polluted, etc and no one says anything as they know they'll lose their job if they do.
Thinking also that as I wake up over and over again during bad sleep, each time I have to reorient self. I need to do so in a fake positive way. Need to join the positivity cult during the moments of these repeated awakenings for the sake of my health.
Despite 4 days of bad sleep I miracously felt up to running yesterday for first day off and managed 18:00 for 2 miles. Rest 3 minutes and 10:17 for one more (blah). And 3:57 for a final half mile.
-
Don Blankenship is a good example of human society. It only takes a very few people like him to act in such a manner, to throw out all morals in order to make as much as money as possible. As a result he reaps huge profits and his corporation is growing and growing. Even as he has this disaster he's in the process of buying up yet another company for a billion dollars. All the while he claims his corporation, which has the worst safety record, has the best. To put it bluntly, the shit rises to the top in this world. The 'winners' are those who will do anything, no matter how depraved.
This disaster is no big deal in view of the fact that each year the total number of miners out right killed is about this number. Not to mention all the people who slowly die as a result of chronic inhalation issues, back issues, etc. Add that and the number of lives ruined each year is at least a magnitude higher.
And all taking part in a sort of 'conspiracy' where they each recognize it's unsafe, the air is polluted, etc and no one says anything as they know they'll lose their job if they do.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Noticed many times in life that I seem to run much better/faster when I also am riding a bike. Recall first running a mile in 6:04 in high school gym class just from a bit of basketball and riding a bike really hard. Later noticed played basketball much better/much better agility here and there when I really rode an exercise bicycle hard.
So the lunges I had been doing are similar but a higher intensity which I was thinking could cause me going into overtraining/insomnia. So switched to riding a bike. First ride 4 days ago on Thursday for an hour. On Friday I ran 2 miles in 20 minutes, rested 3 minutes and ran an additional mile in 11 minutes. Rested and ran half a mile in 4:25. The previous run I had managed 2 miles in 20:45 a week earlier, but with 5 pound dumbells. Rode a bike another hour on Saturday (bit faster than previously, 5 minute improved ment for 30 minutes, much greater improvement for an hour). Today, Sunday, ran 2 miles in 18:26. Rested 90 seconds and ran another mile in 10 minutes. Rested again and ran another half mile in 4:13. Huge improvments. Ridiculous considering how long I can otherwise plateau at slower times.
Cautiously must say, this running is making my back entirely better. Last night even slept on stomach and didn't wake up with any pain. More and more such is the case.
After almost beating my rightwing brother-in-law to a bloody pulp at christmas had decided to avoid him permantly to avoid ending up in jail. All kinds of fights have ensued with parents who would much rather me risk jail and show up to eat a meal (that isn't even considerate to veganism anyway) a few times a year as if it even matters. As if the considerable risk has any kind of reward anyway beyond some paper thin facade. So to avoid endless more arguments and fights being forced to eat Easter dinner today. As the actual me has never existed with my parents. Me almost losing it and turning rightwing dumbass into mush is dismissed as not real. So in future will do best to switch work schedules with people such that I work all holidays. Never cared much about holidays anyway.
But the running is such fun. How I've missed being able to move with a bit of speed for an extended distance. The bike riding is actually better also. Beautiful weather now also. Feel like documenting how beautiful my house is, etc right now. Just to try to prove to myself that it's real. It's not all holocausts and slavery.
Also, still think work is basically wonderful. When compared to the previous jobs I've had. You see, it could be worse. Could be a story, Slave Training. First: just put them through hellraiser type environment. So my work, it could be much, much worse. This I know very well. And must remember. Other than that. It's still ugly capitalism. Middle management isn't very intelligent. In fact intelligent people just don't go into middle management it seems. I've noticed this over and over again, job after job. It takes a stupid sort of person to be the overseer. And of course, the overseer is someone to fear, someone who will crack the whip. And because, again, they're not very intelligent, they might misassess you at anytime. At any time on a whim, your life could be destroyed.
And again, it's capitalism. No matter the technological innovation, the people who have jobs will always be working about as much as they can stand. And the "ruling class" figures the best way to keep them up on this edge is through fear.
Middle management, IOW the overseers, keep the fear on. That's what they're there for. What kind of person wants to be the overseer? I notice also, they DO NOT take a fellow worker, someone who's been out with working with the rest of us for years and years and make them overseers. It has to be someone farther away. So, they take someone who's only been a nurse 6 months, but has some connection, and give her a high ranking position. Or someone who's not even from the hospital. Or from some other area of the hospital who hardly even knows that specialty.
Such is how it is because, your boss isn't your friend in capitalism. The system works by fear so they can't be your friend. But it could be worse. Way, way, way worse. This job is a paradise compared to my previous jobs in both science and engineering.
Been sleeping so good these last few days. Possibly because I'm sleeping at night. Possibly because I've so long off (6 days) that work is far away enough that I've just not thought about it (thus no stress). Possibly the exercise.
From reading the end of Omnivore's Dillemma am eating a lot of mushrooms. Wonder the nutritional benefits of them. Perhaps they have some unknown benefits? Been frying them with onions and Earth Balance then adding rice, broccoli, peas, etc. Tastes very good. So easy actually to make.
So the lunges I had been doing are similar but a higher intensity which I was thinking could cause me going into overtraining/insomnia. So switched to riding a bike. First ride 4 days ago on Thursday for an hour. On Friday I ran 2 miles in 20 minutes, rested 3 minutes and ran an additional mile in 11 minutes. Rested and ran half a mile in 4:25. The previous run I had managed 2 miles in 20:45 a week earlier, but with 5 pound dumbells. Rode a bike another hour on Saturday (bit faster than previously, 5 minute improved ment for 30 minutes, much greater improvement for an hour). Today, Sunday, ran 2 miles in 18:26. Rested 90 seconds and ran another mile in 10 minutes. Rested again and ran another half mile in 4:13. Huge improvments. Ridiculous considering how long I can otherwise plateau at slower times.
Cautiously must say, this running is making my back entirely better. Last night even slept on stomach and didn't wake up with any pain. More and more such is the case.
After almost beating my rightwing brother-in-law to a bloody pulp at christmas had decided to avoid him permantly to avoid ending up in jail. All kinds of fights have ensued with parents who would much rather me risk jail and show up to eat a meal (that isn't even considerate to veganism anyway) a few times a year as if it even matters. As if the considerable risk has any kind of reward anyway beyond some paper thin facade. So to avoid endless more arguments and fights being forced to eat Easter dinner today. As the actual me has never existed with my parents. Me almost losing it and turning rightwing dumbass into mush is dismissed as not real. So in future will do best to switch work schedules with people such that I work all holidays. Never cared much about holidays anyway.
But the running is such fun. How I've missed being able to move with a bit of speed for an extended distance. The bike riding is actually better also. Beautiful weather now also. Feel like documenting how beautiful my house is, etc right now. Just to try to prove to myself that it's real. It's not all holocausts and slavery.
Also, still think work is basically wonderful. When compared to the previous jobs I've had. You see, it could be worse. Could be a story, Slave Training. First: just put them through hellraiser type environment. So my work, it could be much, much worse. This I know very well. And must remember. Other than that. It's still ugly capitalism. Middle management isn't very intelligent. In fact intelligent people just don't go into middle management it seems. I've noticed this over and over again, job after job. It takes a stupid sort of person to be the overseer. And of course, the overseer is someone to fear, someone who will crack the whip. And because, again, they're not very intelligent, they might misassess you at anytime. At any time on a whim, your life could be destroyed.
And again, it's capitalism. No matter the technological innovation, the people who have jobs will always be working about as much as they can stand. And the "ruling class" figures the best way to keep them up on this edge is through fear.
Middle management, IOW the overseers, keep the fear on. That's what they're there for. What kind of person wants to be the overseer? I notice also, they DO NOT take a fellow worker, someone who's been out with working with the rest of us for years and years and make them overseers. It has to be someone farther away. So, they take someone who's only been a nurse 6 months, but has some connection, and give her a high ranking position. Or someone who's not even from the hospital. Or from some other area of the hospital who hardly even knows that specialty.
Such is how it is because, your boss isn't your friend in capitalism. The system works by fear so they can't be your friend. But it could be worse. Way, way, way worse. This job is a paradise compared to my previous jobs in both science and engineering.
Been sleeping so good these last few days. Possibly because I'm sleeping at night. Possibly because I've so long off (6 days) that work is far away enough that I've just not thought about it (thus no stress). Possibly the exercise.
From reading the end of Omnivore's Dillemma am eating a lot of mushrooms. Wonder the nutritional benefits of them. Perhaps they have some unknown benefits? Been frying them with onions and Earth Balance then adding rice, broccoli, peas, etc. Tastes very good. So easy actually to make.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Garrison Keiler short ramble on the loss of community in the TV/internet era.
With mostly horrific comments. But what kind of person would be even trying to communicate there in the first place?
Had been thinking of undeleting facebook account, as they make it easy to do so. Wanted to get someone's phone number. But better to just wait till I next see them.
With mostly horrific comments. But what kind of person would be even trying to communicate there in the first place?
Had been thinking of undeleting facebook account, as they make it easy to do so. Wanted to get someone's phone number. But better to just wait till I next see them.
May have found a cello teacher. She wants me to go buy a 2000 dollar cello though. J wasn't happy about that. Started an argument, trying to portray me as a spendthrift when actually I have no debt and 10,000 dollars sitting in my checking account. This was while I was still feeling sleep deprived. Not having slept decently for days on end. And the resulting bad physical feeling was causing a heightened state of fear/tension/anxiety for day after day. Then her going on about a cello, when in a decade I've basically bought a computer and that's it. And sometimes I drive down the road and think how nice it would be if I just yanked the steering wheel... And finally, had enough. Shut up!
Bought a bike pump, bike rack, and non f me up the a bike seat. By the time we drove home I'm so tired I'm feeling delirious. So long since I slept decently. I lay in the passenger seat with the seat back all the way down and look out the side back window at the trees and houses. It's like being a child again. I've no concern for the actual driving of the car. Endless houses pass me by. I wonder who might live in these houses... It's like seeing what I see everyday from an entirely different point of view, seeing it brand new.
Almost half asleep I write a song. No plans to remember it. I write and forget all my vocal/lyric songs.
We get home and I stagger out of the car like a sleepy 6 year old.
J says I snored while sleeping. I don't normally snore and I would normally want her to wake me for her sake. But she figured for once that would be a really bad idea, and she's right, it would have been a really bad idea. I might have gone nuclear I think. (sigh) And I'm not that sort of person at all....
I have a nightmare where my current boss is teacher and I haven't done my assignment. And now it's due. What am I going to do!!! I considered running off and becoming a homeless person. I slowly wake still trying to figure out the answer. Totally awake and still I sit there trying to figure out what to do about this. Trying and trying and finally, what the hell am I doing? This didn't really happen. Quit torturing myself.
I want to lay there until it's time for J to get up. 10 minutes before the alarm I'm allowed to wake her up for snuggles. So I lay there for an hour. Finally go down, put bike rack on, put new seat on, then come back get snuggles. Then off in car to ride bike.
In the car I put in Skinny Puppy-Bites-Dead Lines. Haven't listened to it in so long. After finally sleeping well music sounds so good. Plus remembering the far past. Monterey, Calinfornia. The long runs out under the sun. I possibly didn't even have this particular album then, but it works for me. A nostalgia. Perhaps largely based on a faulty memory. But a past time when I felt such hope at least.
It's too cold to enjoy the bike ride much. The faster I go the more wind chill. Right thumb really starts hurting. But on the way back huge hill, push myself to the very edge making it up it. Wonderful feeling to be that exhausted. To push myself to the very edge. Then lay there exhausted. Outside.
I imagine something. Some place where this is a daily occurence.
Stop at very cheap restaurant on the way home and have coffee, OJ and blueberry pancakes. Read about WV in the final four. The coffee hits me so nice. I'm shaking slightly, so cold still from the run. Perfect. There's three somewhat distinguished older black men at this diner. That's so unusual for here. Black peope do live here. Do they normally just not eat out...?
They look like me though. In a way whites around here never do. Big boned. Sharp faces. Wisdom combined with tough lives. The whites generally look like puff balls. Like they've had it so cushy. Like they've got nothing in them.
Home. Another minnow is dead and this time it's confirmed. It's body has been snapped in half. The one cat is killing them. Have to go get the glass before she kills anymore. Down to 9 minnows in a 80 gallon tank. I feel guilty to stick large fish in only an 80 gallon tank. Not quite so guilty that I'm not writing this before I go get the glass apparently... They're just tinsy minnows...
The anxiety. The insomnia. The fear. The physical pain.
Robin Hobb's best book is the one where the main character is put through the worst hell of all. In reality she's a somewhat annoying cheery lady. Yet her characters are always going through hell. But Fitz the Bastard had a very special hell indeed.
At the moment I think I'll get through this life without ever having an actual breakdown. I don't think I'll start having actual panic attacks. I don't think I'll end up long term unemployed... Lately though having feelings that really do go in that direction. And I want to try to closely document them. For one thing, to try to head them off. For another possibly to someday help others understand these feelings happening within themselves. And finally because I want to blow Hobb and her Fitz out of the water.
Bought a bike pump, bike rack, and non f me up the a bike seat. By the time we drove home I'm so tired I'm feeling delirious. So long since I slept decently. I lay in the passenger seat with the seat back all the way down and look out the side back window at the trees and houses. It's like being a child again. I've no concern for the actual driving of the car. Endless houses pass me by. I wonder who might live in these houses... It's like seeing what I see everyday from an entirely different point of view, seeing it brand new.
Almost half asleep I write a song. No plans to remember it. I write and forget all my vocal/lyric songs.
We get home and I stagger out of the car like a sleepy 6 year old.
J says I snored while sleeping. I don't normally snore and I would normally want her to wake me for her sake. But she figured for once that would be a really bad idea, and she's right, it would have been a really bad idea. I might have gone nuclear I think. (sigh) And I'm not that sort of person at all....
I have a nightmare where my current boss is teacher and I haven't done my assignment. And now it's due. What am I going to do!!! I considered running off and becoming a homeless person. I slowly wake still trying to figure out the answer. Totally awake and still I sit there trying to figure out what to do about this. Trying and trying and finally, what the hell am I doing? This didn't really happen. Quit torturing myself.
I want to lay there until it's time for J to get up. 10 minutes before the alarm I'm allowed to wake her up for snuggles. So I lay there for an hour. Finally go down, put bike rack on, put new seat on, then come back get snuggles. Then off in car to ride bike.
In the car I put in Skinny Puppy-Bites-Dead Lines. Haven't listened to it in so long. After finally sleeping well music sounds so good. Plus remembering the far past. Monterey, Calinfornia. The long runs out under the sun. I possibly didn't even have this particular album then, but it works for me. A nostalgia. Perhaps largely based on a faulty memory. But a past time when I felt such hope at least.
It's too cold to enjoy the bike ride much. The faster I go the more wind chill. Right thumb really starts hurting. But on the way back huge hill, push myself to the very edge making it up it. Wonderful feeling to be that exhausted. To push myself to the very edge. Then lay there exhausted. Outside.
I imagine something. Some place where this is a daily occurence.
Stop at very cheap restaurant on the way home and have coffee, OJ and blueberry pancakes. Read about WV in the final four. The coffee hits me so nice. I'm shaking slightly, so cold still from the run. Perfect. There's three somewhat distinguished older black men at this diner. That's so unusual for here. Black peope do live here. Do they normally just not eat out...?
They look like me though. In a way whites around here never do. Big boned. Sharp faces. Wisdom combined with tough lives. The whites generally look like puff balls. Like they've had it so cushy. Like they've got nothing in them.
Home. Another minnow is dead and this time it's confirmed. It's body has been snapped in half. The one cat is killing them. Have to go get the glass before she kills anymore. Down to 9 minnows in a 80 gallon tank. I feel guilty to stick large fish in only an 80 gallon tank. Not quite so guilty that I'm not writing this before I go get the glass apparently... They're just tinsy minnows...
The anxiety. The insomnia. The fear. The physical pain.
Robin Hobb's best book is the one where the main character is put through the worst hell of all. In reality she's a somewhat annoying cheery lady. Yet her characters are always going through hell. But Fitz the Bastard had a very special hell indeed.
At the moment I think I'll get through this life without ever having an actual breakdown. I don't think I'll start having actual panic attacks. I don't think I'll end up long term unemployed... Lately though having feelings that really do go in that direction. And I want to try to closely document them. For one thing, to try to head them off. For another possibly to someday help others understand these feelings happening within themselves. And finally because I want to blow Hobb and her Fitz out of the water.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
