A sort of humility perhaps with a trace of something that's perhaps the extreme opposite. But on both accounts my words fall short.

My stepfather had no toys growing up and instead found some rocks which he cherished. I had grown up playing with matchbox cars. More humble still, to play with nothing at all but your mind and a pen/word processor. To just dream, and write the dreams down. What more humble endeavor to pass your free time could there be?

It is a sort of giving up on the grand party, or a sad understanding that there is no happiness greater than what one can do simply within one's own mind, safely away from the unpredictability of others. And, the predictability of eventual ugliness from them. A greater happiness than any other, and yet the most humble sort of play.

Writing down your daydreams. And no dreams of getting published. No dreams of fame intermixed. Just right at that moment the enjoyment of whatever daydreams.

And, at the same time, a strange mystical belief that by writing them down and making them more concrete (even if no one else ever reads them) you make them in some way real. A belief that there are gods/infinities of life and if it's dreamed it will Be somewhere someday. Like I once believed that all the worlds of Jack Vance MUST be real, somewhere, someday, somehow. That simply by writing them down they became real.

Such a belief is anything but humble. It is mystical and nuts. But it is somewhat back in the distance. This godlike belief. But I've heard it said--not put quite put so clearly--by others. Famous writers, some musicians..

This latter belief is far back though. Dangerous maybe to think on it too directly. Might shatter it into absurdity. Very dangerous. But on the other hand, may wake up in 5 weeks with no idea why for a short time I had been able to write without trying to use futile willpower. Instead enjoying it right NOW. As one should do, or shouldn't bother at all.

The humility of just dreaming and the immediate enjoyment of so doing is at the front. Is it alone enough though without that other bit?

I shall not think about it.