The imaginary eyes here are ruined thanks to some small altruistic act I made the mistake of performing. Shall go private then I guess. Really like the labels feature here though.
Whatever to keep my creativity going provided it doesn't harm others.
---
Hofstadter's loop (infinite referencing loop) theory of consciousness is interesting.
---
Dividing the mind like Eckhart Tolle into ego, etc as opposed to thinking in terms of a whole that just varies in scope from person to person....
Monday, August 25, 2008
Meaningful relationships
I want more meaningful relationships; people I can be close to; close enough to, to share my feelings/emotions. As opposed to endless relationships where so much must remain hidden; relationships that are somewhat meaningless....
But it's not so easy... I'm married. So I've got that. I've got my parents. If I'm lucky I might have held on to some childhood friendships... but I haven't. Just about impossible when living somewhere where just about everyone leaves to find a job.
So then, there are women. And they/their husbands/everyone else is going to think I'm looking to commit adultery. And there are men. And being emotionally close to other men/trying to, is thought of as gay.
I suppose that leaves me with gay men. Indeed it does. And men who are gay and yet refuse to face the fact. And I guess gay women. Which is all fine with me. Actually I like such people better than average. But the ones who won't face what they are, aren't free thinking enough to really have much in common with me that I've found. And the ones who do... seem to exclude me for being so not gay... it seems.
Also there is the internet. I try to make meaningful relationships with people online. Some people would consider doing so a waste of time. But it can really mean something to me. Of course it ends up being with women. As men it seems just won't confide with other men. That's gay. With a women who lives far away the sense of impropiety isn't so strong.
So I end up being friends with women who live far away. I've done so for a few years. I didn't do it by following this logical chain of reasoning. But this is why I suppose.
A lady at work clearly had the hots for me recently. She was pretty damm honest about it... without basically saying, "Let's get it on!" So I tried to be friends with her... was quite awkward with her husband and all.... Not sure how he felt about it... Would have been better if she hadn't gone on about how hot I was so many times... But I do love honesty... I never pointed out these problems... I withheld. I wasn't honest in return. Didn't dare.
I didn't find her attractive at all once I got to know her. She was a nice person. Pretty unconformed. I was happy to be her friend but as to the rest there wasn't any need to worry as far as I was concerned. The first time I saw her at work I did do a double take as she looked like this sensitive little book worm type. If she had been all sensitive with a fake british accent and into poetry and books I would have been extremely attracted to her.... She never reads. She was a vegetarian for a decade for ethical reasons but now goes on about how great meat tastes everytime we ate together... She's covered in tattoos. (Which is sort of good... although I have none...) She's a true redhead which is good. We have the same favorite movie (dark crsytal...) Ultimately not enough to make anything much of.... But... kind of close. When you've lived your sorry life in WV.
Anyway she moved far away. We can keep in touch by email now but that's pushing her level of literacy a bit. Smart in her way of course and could learn a lot from her...
Anyway the point being it made it seem hopeless though. As it seems I'm just not allowed to be close to any married women... And when it came down to it, when someone else was really honest, then I just withheld; I who've ruminated so about others withholding so much....
Perhaps a super duper intelligent one who seemed like they could just stay away from issues of the flesh (I think I do know one such person online....) . But I... can't recall meeting such a creature in the flesh... But then, again, with the internet there's so many more people to work with. I can find some pretty impressive people online... speaking relative to what is available in WV that is... Very unimpressive relative to my ideal.
But how sorry to spend so much of life staring at a computer.
And I consider expecting my wife to be my everything to be a sick way of looking at the world. There should be at least a few more meaningful connections than what I've managed to put together. Where I live is part of the problem. But surely I'm also part of it? I don't know.
But it's not so easy... I'm married. So I've got that. I've got my parents. If I'm lucky I might have held on to some childhood friendships... but I haven't. Just about impossible when living somewhere where just about everyone leaves to find a job.
So then, there are women. And they/their husbands/everyone else is going to think I'm looking to commit adultery. And there are men. And being emotionally close to other men/trying to, is thought of as gay.
I suppose that leaves me with gay men. Indeed it does. And men who are gay and yet refuse to face the fact. And I guess gay women. Which is all fine with me. Actually I like such people better than average. But the ones who won't face what they are, aren't free thinking enough to really have much in common with me that I've found. And the ones who do... seem to exclude me for being so not gay... it seems.
Also there is the internet. I try to make meaningful relationships with people online. Some people would consider doing so a waste of time. But it can really mean something to me. Of course it ends up being with women. As men it seems just won't confide with other men. That's gay. With a women who lives far away the sense of impropiety isn't so strong.
So I end up being friends with women who live far away. I've done so for a few years. I didn't do it by following this logical chain of reasoning. But this is why I suppose.
A lady at work clearly had the hots for me recently. She was pretty damm honest about it... without basically saying, "Let's get it on!" So I tried to be friends with her... was quite awkward with her husband and all.... Not sure how he felt about it... Would have been better if she hadn't gone on about how hot I was so many times... But I do love honesty... I never pointed out these problems... I withheld. I wasn't honest in return. Didn't dare.
I didn't find her attractive at all once I got to know her. She was a nice person. Pretty unconformed. I was happy to be her friend but as to the rest there wasn't any need to worry as far as I was concerned. The first time I saw her at work I did do a double take as she looked like this sensitive little book worm type. If she had been all sensitive with a fake british accent and into poetry and books I would have been extremely attracted to her.... She never reads. She was a vegetarian for a decade for ethical reasons but now goes on about how great meat tastes everytime we ate together... She's covered in tattoos. (Which is sort of good... although I have none...) She's a true redhead which is good. We have the same favorite movie (dark crsytal...) Ultimately not enough to make anything much of.... But... kind of close. When you've lived your sorry life in WV.
Anyway she moved far away. We can keep in touch by email now but that's pushing her level of literacy a bit. Smart in her way of course and could learn a lot from her...
Anyway the point being it made it seem hopeless though. As it seems I'm just not allowed to be close to any married women... And when it came down to it, when someone else was really honest, then I just withheld; I who've ruminated so about others withholding so much....
Perhaps a super duper intelligent one who seemed like they could just stay away from issues of the flesh (I think I do know one such person online....) . But I... can't recall meeting such a creature in the flesh... But then, again, with the internet there's so many more people to work with. I can find some pretty impressive people online... speaking relative to what is available in WV that is... Very unimpressive relative to my ideal.
But how sorry to spend so much of life staring at a computer.
And I consider expecting my wife to be my everything to be a sick way of looking at the world. There should be at least a few more meaningful connections than what I've managed to put together. Where I live is part of the problem. But surely I'm also part of it? I don't know.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Victim of the Brain
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8576072297424860224&hl=nl
More interesting than most of the internet wasteland...
Bogged down by (the whole thing isn't much more than) religious questions. Free will, souls, etc.
There is the idea in the christian religion that God is absolutely perfect and knows everything... but if that's so why did he create imperfect creatures which commit sin whom he's then going to stick in eternal fire? "Well, Jonnyboy, God gave us free will."
"Gee dad, what's that?"
"A nonsense word designed to win an argument that can't actually be won Jonnyboy. Like if you asked me how a chipmunk can beat an attacking bear. I could say he'd use his special bear killing zap gun; provided it's the chipmunk god of course. The Christian God can do whatever he wants and when obvious holes are pointed out he'll just do whatever to cover up."
The only meaning of the term free will that doesn't make it nonsensical is saying it means god had no idea what he was doing really when he made us. Just randomly mixed some stuff together and he doesn't actually know how we'll turn out.
Which would be fine with me. I'm not the one claiming he's all knowing.
Victim of the Brain hits the same idea with musing if our every action is predetermined. I suppose on a physics level you have some random action but ignoring that it is a nonsense question really as... yes our actions our predetermined, we are "victims of our brains" I suppose... and so what?
Yes, an all knowing creature already knows everything you're going to do. Of course, thus an all knowing creature would find you quite boring.
The attempt to understand intelligence is an attempt to reach that point of being all knowing and is running into the same thing. I don't think it's something to make much of, yet people keep making much of it.
It is somewhat a problem of language. The term 'free will' doesn't quite describe what is going on. It's a devious word made by christian apologetics. Of course you're free to act as you desire. Of course you have your own will. It just so happens an all knowing creature woud be able to predict everything you're going to do. And that you are a "prisoner" or victim of your brain. You're not free from your brain. Mostly a failure in our abilities to think at all that anyone finds this interesting.
..in the nuclear warhead story there is no reason he'd go back to his brain in Tulsa. What follows is just a confusion based on that, and more God stuff.
Basically I'm saying the same thing as Hofstadter. I don't think it's an important thing to spend much time on though... or name the movie after but perhaps that's just the direction the film maker took this. Hopefully this book by Hofstadter (Godel, Escher, Bach) will be better.
85:00: "Emotion and intelligence are inseperable." I suppose I disagree.
Emotions are the side effects of certain thought processes.
More interesting than most of the internet wasteland...
Bogged down by (the whole thing isn't much more than) religious questions. Free will, souls, etc.
There is the idea in the christian religion that God is absolutely perfect and knows everything... but if that's so why did he create imperfect creatures which commit sin whom he's then going to stick in eternal fire? "Well, Jonnyboy, God gave us free will."
"Gee dad, what's that?"
"A nonsense word designed to win an argument that can't actually be won Jonnyboy. Like if you asked me how a chipmunk can beat an attacking bear. I could say he'd use his special bear killing zap gun; provided it's the chipmunk god of course. The Christian God can do whatever he wants and when obvious holes are pointed out he'll just do whatever to cover up."
The only meaning of the term free will that doesn't make it nonsensical is saying it means god had no idea what he was doing really when he made us. Just randomly mixed some stuff together and he doesn't actually know how we'll turn out.
Which would be fine with me. I'm not the one claiming he's all knowing.
Victim of the Brain hits the same idea with musing if our every action is predetermined. I suppose on a physics level you have some random action but ignoring that it is a nonsense question really as... yes our actions our predetermined, we are "victims of our brains" I suppose... and so what?
Yes, an all knowing creature already knows everything you're going to do. Of course, thus an all knowing creature would find you quite boring.
The attempt to understand intelligence is an attempt to reach that point of being all knowing and is running into the same thing. I don't think it's something to make much of, yet people keep making much of it.
It is somewhat a problem of language. The term 'free will' doesn't quite describe what is going on. It's a devious word made by christian apologetics. Of course you're free to act as you desire. Of course you have your own will. It just so happens an all knowing creature woud be able to predict everything you're going to do. And that you are a "prisoner" or victim of your brain. You're not free from your brain. Mostly a failure in our abilities to think at all that anyone finds this interesting.
..in the nuclear warhead story there is no reason he'd go back to his brain in Tulsa. What follows is just a confusion based on that, and more God stuff.
Basically I'm saying the same thing as Hofstadter. I don't think it's an important thing to spend much time on though... or name the movie after but perhaps that's just the direction the film maker took this. Hopefully this book by Hofstadter (Godel, Escher, Bach) will be better.
85:00: "Emotion and intelligence are inseperable." I suppose I disagree.
Emotions are the side effects of certain thought processes.
Falling in love is a sign of stupidity. There's a couple nice passages in roughly chapter 22 of Imagica concerning the vile Judith character that reminded me of this.
Holding a long term grudge is a sign of intelligence. (well... a halfway point anyway). But then having faith is not really a sign of intelligence. Sometimes we must overcome intelligence (with even more (intelligence)).
Holding a long term grudge is a sign of intelligence. (well... a halfway point anyway). But then having faith is not really a sign of intelligence. Sometimes we must overcome intelligence (with even more (intelligence)).
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Setting vs characters
There's nothing wrong with 2D characters like with Vance or Tolkien I suppose. To be able to have 2D characters and still write well is certainly an accomplishment... These characters serve as archtypes I suppose. Perhaps. Eh. The settings of Vance and Tolkien were "realer" than any others I'm aware of and i wonder if 3D characters take away from the setting...
Perhaps what it is is that relatively 2D characters are such that the reader can flesh out the character by putting themselves into it. And then from that vantage point, a point within the setting/world, they look at the world/setting around them. Whereas with better developed relatively 3D characters the reader may not put themselves into the character as much, they instead look down upon the character and thus their vantage point is farther removed from the setting/world and thus the world doesn't seem as real... although the character may seem realer... Or something along those lines.
Indifference far away
http://thetoofarfuture.blogspot.com/2008/07/two-fundamental-problems-of-this-world.html
The two fundamental problems:
1. Indifference
2. Hate (The perception of a level of indifference (correct or not) that is deemed unacceptable and as a kind of evil.)
It may be nice to think about the second far more. It's complex while the first reduces life to 2D and what can be done about it anyway? With the second we can quit miscommunicating, we can quit believing in evil, etc. Still though, indifference is a far, far greater problem than hate. It's not even close.
What ways would reduce indifference?
Environmentally: systematically teaching people to take their mind outside of themselves. Trying to imagine being an animal, another person, a tree, disembodied. Try to imagine infinity/eternity. Force them to not just think happy thoughts. Push them towards the contemplation of suffering...
Of course it has occurred to me the cure could potentially be worse than the sickness.
The two fundamental problems of this world are indifference to suffering and the misperception of indifference to suffering......
How much of this hell is a result of the former as opposed to the latter?
The two fundamental problems:
1. Indifference
2. Hate (The perception of a level of indifference (correct or not) that is deemed unacceptable and as a kind of evil.)
It may be nice to think about the second far more. It's complex while the first reduces life to 2D and what can be done about it anyway? With the second we can quit miscommunicating, we can quit believing in evil, etc. Still though, indifference is a far, far greater problem than hate. It's not even close.
What ways would reduce indifference?
Environmentally: systematically teaching people to take their mind outside of themselves. Trying to imagine being an animal, another person, a tree, disembodied. Try to imagine infinity/eternity. Force them to not just think happy thoughts. Push them towards the contemplation of suffering...
Of course it has occurred to me the cure could potentially be worse than the sickness.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Writing
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I've done that certainly but it seemed there was nothing else that could be done. The other way stood a sort of death.
It seems serious fiction writing is a sort of turning away from the world. A giving up on mankind; prefering to just be very alone. It seems an ultimately very negative thing.
But I partially did exactly that long ago. I gave up on "love". I gave up on the idea of expecting another human being to be such an important part of my happiness. But I didn't give up on liking people. I didn't give up on still trying to be gregarious and close to people...
To really be a writer means prefering to spend your evenings truly just with yourself. It's a negative thing. But wasn't giving up on "love" the same? To depend on love seemed an ugly thing. To be that needy, that dependent on another. But to take it all the way, to be a writer, would seem so extreme.
But I'm about there. About done with insanity. It is perhaps quite a bit less negative than the alternative. But I keep expecting a different result.
I should know better. I do know better. But this way lies death I think.
......
Humans are gregarious animals but our ability to do violence upon one another, and some other things we've done... has ruined how we interact; has pulled us apart.
It's time to quit being insane. The people I search for in this world don't really exist. Whatever few that come close are too unstable to rely on at all. Potentially changing completely very suddenly.
I can spend an entire day just trying to compose/record music all by myself but it's not being as alone as writing. Each music note is a symbol for a living creature which my computer is playing outloud for me (from without). The sequencer putting it all together is doing something that is partially beyond my feeble mind and also is coming from outside of me.
Writing OTOH is more completely just from within. It is, I think, the most complete turning away from the world; turning inside of one's self. It relys the most completely on just what is in your head. It takes more intelligence I suppose, ultimately, to sum it up.
Maybe it is just a failure of my intelligence that I haven't managed it yet... as opposed to this turning away from the world idea. But could be a combination.
But lately I have really craved this turning away anyway. Just doubtful it will stick in the long term as I very strongly have the idea in my head that I'm doing a negative thing.
I've done that certainly but it seemed there was nothing else that could be done. The other way stood a sort of death.
It seems serious fiction writing is a sort of turning away from the world. A giving up on mankind; prefering to just be very alone. It seems an ultimately very negative thing.
But I partially did exactly that long ago. I gave up on "love". I gave up on the idea of expecting another human being to be such an important part of my happiness. But I didn't give up on liking people. I didn't give up on still trying to be gregarious and close to people...
To really be a writer means prefering to spend your evenings truly just with yourself. It's a negative thing. But wasn't giving up on "love" the same? To depend on love seemed an ugly thing. To be that needy, that dependent on another. But to take it all the way, to be a writer, would seem so extreme.
But I'm about there. About done with insanity. It is perhaps quite a bit less negative than the alternative. But I keep expecting a different result.
I should know better. I do know better. But this way lies death I think.
......
Humans are gregarious animals but our ability to do violence upon one another, and some other things we've done... has ruined how we interact; has pulled us apart.
It's time to quit being insane. The people I search for in this world don't really exist. Whatever few that come close are too unstable to rely on at all. Potentially changing completely very suddenly.
I can spend an entire day just trying to compose/record music all by myself but it's not being as alone as writing. Each music note is a symbol for a living creature which my computer is playing outloud for me (from without). The sequencer putting it all together is doing something that is partially beyond my feeble mind and also is coming from outside of me.
Writing OTOH is more completely just from within. It is, I think, the most complete turning away from the world; turning inside of one's self. It relys the most completely on just what is in your head. It takes more intelligence I suppose, ultimately, to sum it up.
Maybe it is just a failure of my intelligence that I haven't managed it yet... as opposed to this turning away from the world idea. But could be a combination.
But lately I have really craved this turning away anyway. Just doubtful it will stick in the long term as I very strongly have the idea in my head that I'm doing a negative thing.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Narrow Land continuation
Bought a very cheap laptop for the writing. Thought about most essential thing; the feeling of fear or just some thorn. Not quite an absolute requirement but pretty close. In book after fiction book, to the extent the concept isn't followed I can't be bothered to continue. Just subjective possibly but now seems so obvious.
Want to mess around with a continuation of Vance's Narrow Land. I remember as they steal the clutch of eggs I was so interested to see what would happen next. But Vance stopped so for fun I'll finally continue. Two female 3's. The first ever. What will they be like? And two, male 3's. But unfortunately not tempered by the single feminine egg. They will be less adapt at seeing other points of view. Less compassionate, more violent and impetuous(sp) but also great at making weapons and fighting off the 2's and 1's... A load of... tedious trouble. What should make it not so tedious is developing the good qualities of the heroic figures as they overcome the fears, the thorns, the obstacles put at them.
But Vance's "hero's" had few qualities. Just competent, reserved and decently intelligent. Ern is also... more questioning of tradition. Mazar the Final is old and weary.
There's nothing wrong with 2D characters like with Vance or Tolkien I suppose. To be able to have 2D characters and still write well is certainly an accomplishment... These characters serve as archtypes I suppose. Perhaps. Eh. The settings of Vance and Tolkien were "realer" than any others I'm aware of and i wonder if 3D characters take away from the setting...
But I prefer more character development. As much as I like escapist fantasy, human beings matter more to me than settings. Clive Barker's Imagica is a better book than anything by Tolkien or Vance. And fantasy humans would mean more than any silly setting.
It's no wonder I'm so biased against Barker though:
http://www.clivebarker.com/
What a doof.
But it's just image which should mean nothing. The problem is exactly that he acts like image does mean something to him. Still I like what he says:
http://www.clivebarker.info/wisdomindex.html
and will go there myself now. Not normal to start this late... but it's really just figuring out how to switch mediums.
There will be fighting concerning 4 males and 2 females. There will be trouble from the 2's/1's. A continuing clash between civilizations. The 3's will be tempered by compassion. It will stop them from just slaughtering the lot. Except the 2 uber male 3's will go overboard... Maybe it will be found the two females need much longer for reproduction than stealing from the 1's. But in stealing Mazar and Ern really don't want to create anymore like the two uber 3 males. And what to do with the two they did? These two who can't be reasoned with. Doesn't particularly matter. Putting the question in mind is enough. Nothing preachy. Just keep constant fears in mind.
And so on whatever. Don't need to talk about it here.
-----
Agony of stomach/back pain took me to the hospital at 3AM. Probably something wrong with my kidneys but it went away within 4 hours. Wasn't admitted and thus will have to pay a few thousand dollars as that's how my US health insurance works.
Wife has been offered job with Canadian company. Hope she takes it. Still would live here, but it could be a step to getting out of this country.
Want to mess around with a continuation of Vance's Narrow Land. I remember as they steal the clutch of eggs I was so interested to see what would happen next. But Vance stopped so for fun I'll finally continue. Two female 3's. The first ever. What will they be like? And two, male 3's. But unfortunately not tempered by the single feminine egg. They will be less adapt at seeing other points of view. Less compassionate, more violent and impetuous(sp) but also great at making weapons and fighting off the 2's and 1's... A load of... tedious trouble. What should make it not so tedious is developing the good qualities of the heroic figures as they overcome the fears, the thorns, the obstacles put at them.
But Vance's "hero's" had few qualities. Just competent, reserved and decently intelligent. Ern is also... more questioning of tradition. Mazar the Final is old and weary.
There's nothing wrong with 2D characters like with Vance or Tolkien I suppose. To be able to have 2D characters and still write well is certainly an accomplishment... These characters serve as archtypes I suppose. Perhaps. Eh. The settings of Vance and Tolkien were "realer" than any others I'm aware of and i wonder if 3D characters take away from the setting...
But I prefer more character development. As much as I like escapist fantasy, human beings matter more to me than settings. Clive Barker's Imagica is a better book than anything by Tolkien or Vance. And fantasy humans would mean more than any silly setting.
It's no wonder I'm so biased against Barker though:
http://www.clivebarker.com/
What a doof.
But it's just image which should mean nothing. The problem is exactly that he acts like image does mean something to him. Still I like what he says:
http://www.clivebarker.info/wisdomindex.html
and will go there myself now. Not normal to start this late... but it's really just figuring out how to switch mediums.
There will be fighting concerning 4 males and 2 females. There will be trouble from the 2's/1's. A continuing clash between civilizations. The 3's will be tempered by compassion. It will stop them from just slaughtering the lot. Except the 2 uber male 3's will go overboard... Maybe it will be found the two females need much longer for reproduction than stealing from the 1's. But in stealing Mazar and Ern really don't want to create anymore like the two uber 3 males. And what to do with the two they did? These two who can't be reasoned with. Doesn't particularly matter. Putting the question in mind is enough. Nothing preachy. Just keep constant fears in mind.
And so on whatever. Don't need to talk about it here.
-----
Agony of stomach/back pain took me to the hospital at 3AM. Probably something wrong with my kidneys but it went away within 4 hours. Wasn't admitted and thus will have to pay a few thousand dollars as that's how my US health insurance works.
Wife has been offered job with Canadian company. Hope she takes it. Still would live here, but it could be a step to getting out of this country.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wrote this more than a year ago when I first was still learning what VSTi's even were. At first I liked it but pretty quickly I decided it was putrid crap; extremely repetitive, badly mixed and so on. I didn't upload it and I almost just deleted the file. For some reason I opened the file a week ago and played it and loved it. It inspires me; makes me think of something magical. And that is the idea. Not how good the mix is, how complex, etc.
I want to write a story/world that is sort of a cross between Anne Rice's vampires and R. A. Salvatore's drow world. Begins with a family killed by ruffians, many could have stopped it but "didn't want to get involved". Young kid (not quite full grown, tall but thin) survives and goes off into the woods in an area where people never normally go. (In his state he doesn't care. There he is turned.) Revenge against the human race for quite a while and finally realizing how wrong he's been. Finally in desperation for something more than this endless medieval night he starts doing unusual things, experiments, special traveling and so on...
And the people of paradise and the good demon and a short story about a society that has essentially decided 2+2=5 and what they do to someone who doesn't agree.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
if I just let the whole thing go and act as if the present is all that there is, everyone will be happy.
Forgetting the past is a kind of death. (I'll skip the detailed explanation of that here...) Being asked to just forget is somewhat like being asked to kill yourself. The proper humane thing to do is to remember the past vividly and determine what was done wrong and then right such wrongs; ensure they don't happen again and this is not some personal private journey. We are not solitary animals. We live in groups and nothing much has meaning if done in a vacuum. These wrongs, the understanding of mistakes made must be communicated to the relevant people.
Ultimately the quoted is just typical stupidity. Boring. It is a mindset that can't be reasoned with. A mind that prefers to just not think.
It is Good, so good to think people can be openminded, that they can be reasoned with. But sometimes there's nothing to do but recognize when you're dealing with a monkey. The better a person you are, the harder this is to do. But think of the good people that you could be giving your time to instead. If there are such people...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Art
Faith in magic is accomplished by uncovering the magical worlds. These worlds are uncovered through the use of randomness and finding the truth within it. Only through this faith is life not futile. All people have a degree of this faith whether they recognize it or not. Uncovering the magical worlds can help strengthen this faith. Art uncovers these magical worlds.
Monday, August 11, 2008
I want to create a beautiful world in my mind. A world/universe that contains a people whom aren't tied to the harmful things us humans are held down by. To make it actual stories they'll need negative things to overcome. And I suppose that is life. That is, The Thing. The funny thing about why I haven't managed as a writer. Hmmm, I don't enjoy creating obstacles that must be overcome.
I want to create this world to strengthen my own faith in magic. Because I know when I personally create it, it is (or at least, it really can be) a bit more real than when someone else did...
But to make it an actual story; ugly, stupid, tedious stuff it seems has to be thrown in. "Evil" people and so on. Plots held together by people acting stupidly. People striving after unimportant goals.
Tomorrow I want to list a bunch of my favorite books and try (yet again) to think of a single one that if it were me I could see any way I would have enjoyed writing it. I mean this, in terms of the plot.
The Demon Princes-find and get revenge (yet without the nasty ugly emotions that should actually naturally go along with such an endeavor, but it seems being unrealistic is so often essential... and how do I feel about that? Doesn't make it real. What has been real to me has been pitiful fragments within barely begun stories. Perhaps successful stories wouldn't feel so real...)
The whole traveling across the land thing for whatever reason and running into people wishing harm, etc. So aimless and random. As creativity is. It's the ugly truth of so much creativity. (Such fun to pretend at least dreams have real meaning.) But within the random there is meaning. It's in there. Often hiding. But you throw down the tea leaves and they do show you something of another place...
(I should do some music loop mangling. Figured it would feel way too random for my tastes but as I've just said...)
The story can move along (somewhat) randomly and become much more. There is nothing wrong with the random. It is essential. There isn't actually any escaping it. No successful artist has ever not been quite random. Spin and spin and spin the wheel... and then eventually... I hate to say it. Bring back order I suppose. Randomness to give faith... Then pretend it's not random. That within this randomness lurks "divine" inspiration that must just be found afterwards.
So silly. But if faith in magic is the goal. And I want to be creative for that purpose. And I actually see creativity as doing random stuff then finding order.... Then it's 3AM and I'll think later about this.
Seems to come down to tricking myself. But really, that should go without saying from the start. But I have to do it in a convoluted way as I can't manage it straight on.
It simply must be done. I must trick myself?
I suppose like a suduko puzzle where you have no choice but to guess a few numbers. Then you see if you were right. In this way we pull back a curtain (a different curtain) to reveal a magical world. We won't reveal it perfectly. As the music doesn't reveal it perfectly. But within the randomness something is revealed.
Randomness plus ordering ("creativity") for the purpose of revealing a magical world that is otherwise forever invisible....
I want to create this world to strengthen my own faith in magic. Because I know when I personally create it, it is (or at least, it really can be) a bit more real than when someone else did...
But to make it an actual story; ugly, stupid, tedious stuff it seems has to be thrown in. "Evil" people and so on. Plots held together by people acting stupidly. People striving after unimportant goals.
Tomorrow I want to list a bunch of my favorite books and try (yet again) to think of a single one that if it were me I could see any way I would have enjoyed writing it. I mean this, in terms of the plot.
The Demon Princes-find and get revenge (yet without the nasty ugly emotions that should actually naturally go along with such an endeavor, but it seems being unrealistic is so often essential... and how do I feel about that? Doesn't make it real. What has been real to me has been pitiful fragments within barely begun stories. Perhaps successful stories wouldn't feel so real...)
The whole traveling across the land thing for whatever reason and running into people wishing harm, etc. So aimless and random. As creativity is. It's the ugly truth of so much creativity. (Such fun to pretend at least dreams have real meaning.) But within the random there is meaning. It's in there. Often hiding. But you throw down the tea leaves and they do show you something of another place...
(I should do some music loop mangling. Figured it would feel way too random for my tastes but as I've just said...)
The story can move along (somewhat) randomly and become much more. There is nothing wrong with the random. It is essential. There isn't actually any escaping it. No successful artist has ever not been quite random. Spin and spin and spin the wheel... and then eventually... I hate to say it. Bring back order I suppose. Randomness to give faith... Then pretend it's not random. That within this randomness lurks "divine" inspiration that must just be found afterwards.
So silly. But if faith in magic is the goal. And I want to be creative for that purpose. And I actually see creativity as doing random stuff then finding order.... Then it's 3AM and I'll think later about this.
Seems to come down to tricking myself. But really, that should go without saying from the start. But I have to do it in a convoluted way as I can't manage it straight on.
It simply must be done. I must trick myself?
I suppose like a suduko puzzle where you have no choice but to guess a few numbers. Then you see if you were right. In this way we pull back a curtain (a different curtain) to reveal a magical world. We won't reveal it perfectly. As the music doesn't reveal it perfectly. But within the randomness something is revealed.
Randomness plus ordering ("creativity") for the purpose of revealing a magical world that is otherwise forever invisible....
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Imagine how nice it would be to be immortal.
I think it would be nice anyway. I'm not flippant about death. Death is something to avoid. 75 years is a pitifully short time.
Now imagine instead that in order to survive you have to murder something every day.
That would be horrible. Such a thing would truly be a monster; an actually evil creature that perhaps the world would be better off without. Perhaps letting such creatures go extinct would be better.
But now, imagine something far worse: A creature that murders everyday, not because it has to to survive. But just out of indifference. Just because that's what it's used to and it just doesn't care.
Now imagine a world overflowing with such creatures.
What is the role of an intelligent and good person in such a world?
haha. You have no role. Turn away.
------
Went to Canada this last week and liked it. The people are a bit nicer. Probably a bit more intelligent. Of course it was mostly touristy interactions... Would happily move there. The cold weather would even be a plus in my book. I'm happy enough to stay inside out of the cold with some books and music.
Wife kept wanting to take pictures of us. I don't like pictures. I don't like how I look... But she did take some all the same. And Hellboy was on TV tonight and I noticed... I look like Hellboy. Hah. I really do. I'm not dark red at least. But I have a Ron Perlman sort of face. A very long face that has something kind of brutal about it while at the same time intelligent and sensitive. IOW, stuff that doesn't appear to go together, otherwise known as irregular features. And beauty is basically having regular features. I am not regular. I suppose realizing I look like Hellboy was a good slant on it though. My wife and I look like something out of a fable/myth. While I'm the jotun/hellboy/troll thing, she's some kind of gnome or something. My nose and face are literally about twice as long as hers although I'm actually only a foot taller. Which I suppose is also a nice slant on things. I don't belong to this world and I don't look like I belong to this world.
I should consider myself lucky that I'm allowed to live at all.
I certainly shouldn't expect anymore than that.
I think it would be nice anyway. I'm not flippant about death. Death is something to avoid. 75 years is a pitifully short time.
Now imagine instead that in order to survive you have to murder something every day.
That would be horrible. Such a thing would truly be a monster; an actually evil creature that perhaps the world would be better off without. Perhaps letting such creatures go extinct would be better.
But now, imagine something far worse: A creature that murders everyday, not because it has to to survive. But just out of indifference. Just because that's what it's used to and it just doesn't care.
Now imagine a world overflowing with such creatures.
What is the role of an intelligent and good person in such a world?
haha. You have no role. Turn away.
------
Went to Canada this last week and liked it. The people are a bit nicer. Probably a bit more intelligent. Of course it was mostly touristy interactions... Would happily move there. The cold weather would even be a plus in my book. I'm happy enough to stay inside out of the cold with some books and music.
Wife kept wanting to take pictures of us. I don't like pictures. I don't like how I look... But she did take some all the same. And Hellboy was on TV tonight and I noticed... I look like Hellboy. Hah. I really do. I'm not dark red at least. But I have a Ron Perlman sort of face. A very long face that has something kind of brutal about it while at the same time intelligent and sensitive. IOW, stuff that doesn't appear to go together, otherwise known as irregular features. And beauty is basically having regular features. I am not regular. I suppose realizing I look like Hellboy was a good slant on it though. My wife and I look like something out of a fable/myth. While I'm the jotun/hellboy/troll thing, she's some kind of gnome or something. My nose and face are literally about twice as long as hers although I'm actually only a foot taller. Which I suppose is also a nice slant on things. I don't belong to this world and I don't look like I belong to this world.
I should consider myself lucky that I'm allowed to live at all.
I certainly shouldn't expect anymore than that.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The earlier thoughts about anger/hate/belief evil; my eradication of such thoughts; was time well spent. Very well spent.
Was helped by the fact that it's an absolute. I didn't conclude that it was a question of degree; certain situations, to a certain extent. If I had, it probably would have been too complicated for my mind to manage over any long term.
---
I can't stand the internet. I don't like the coldness. The lack of meaningful connection. It's a pulling back of the curtain. An awful truth.
I want to write a song called, "Put Your Clothes Back On."
On lyrics: I suck at writing them it seems. Which comes right back to keeping a sense of mystery, (IOW not pulling back the curtain, put your clothes back on). In lyrics it seems keeping mystery, being vague somehow is better so often. Which is a gimmick.... Or is it? Could it be just a nice sense of humility? Doubt it. Thinking awfully lately.
Also I'm too polemical.
The lyrics could just straight up be about how ugly the human body actually is with a few faint allusions to it possibly being about something more.
It seems it has to have at least a double meaning... in fact I suppose that is a huge part of what makes music enjoyable. The idea of more than one feeling being expressed simultaneously. If I write a song called Put Your Clothes Back On, what would be the feelings? There could be a sense of hopelessness. That of turning away from truth because actually the truth isn't any good. Nothing can be learned when looking at it. (This is just art here. Not what I truly ultimately think.) But it has to have more than one meaning. Just sounding hopeless won't do it. I could try to mimic the happiness of the exact opposite; some usual love song/making love. I could make it sound like entering a new period in life of great happiness, where we've agreed to turn away from the truth. There would have to be a track that was saying, "This is horrible!"
What are songs that come to mind? Christian Death's Romeo's Distress.
http://www.amazon.com/Only-Theatre-Of-Pain/dp/B0010B6O76/ref=pd_bbs_sr_5?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1217829270&sr=8-5
It was a feeling of being hurried to the point of frantic and finally having a pay off in the end. Finally reaching happiness for your trouble. I want a hurried frantic feeling during which various imperfections of the human body are unfortunately pointed out. Then finally "the pay off" is the solution of turning away.
So the beginning would be hurried and in a major key but dissonant. At the point the solutin is reached, the song will start slowing down. Possible switch to a minor key, (is that possible?) and become consonant. This part will be happy and lovey while also something saying, "this is horrible!" and a feeling of hopelessness in the background. (But not too polemical, perhaps a little something that was earlier suggesting to keep up hope that now is expressing reservations...)
Just an experiment that won't work well; an example of trying to write more symbolically than I usually manage. So start off aspiring to lovey happy. Something in a major key that is kind of hurried and keeps falling into dissonance. Then the solution which gives consonance while falling into a minor key? Perhaps slowing way down (into giving up, death?)
---
The problem with writing symbolically is that it's such a failure in the sense of understanding how short I fall. Knowing how much I have to default to "duh, it sounds good." But just doing that from the beginning turns creativity into something a tad too random. This being "symbolic" at least puts on a cloak of meaning (over the truth); at least makes it appear as not pointlessly random.
This blog ruins mystery that's for sure.
It's hard to like the music of someone I think is stupid and harmful. There's a few people out there I wish I hadn't of gotten to know a bit. Doing so really ruined their music for me....
So I'll try to write such a song. Fall far short probably. But without a doubt I'll still manage to write a "song".
Silliness, silliness, silliness...
Was helped by the fact that it's an absolute. I didn't conclude that it was a question of degree; certain situations, to a certain extent. If I had, it probably would have been too complicated for my mind to manage over any long term.
---
I can't stand the internet. I don't like the coldness. The lack of meaningful connection. It's a pulling back of the curtain. An awful truth.
I want to write a song called, "Put Your Clothes Back On."
On lyrics: I suck at writing them it seems. Which comes right back to keeping a sense of mystery, (IOW not pulling back the curtain, put your clothes back on). In lyrics it seems keeping mystery, being vague somehow is better so often. Which is a gimmick.... Or is it? Could it be just a nice sense of humility? Doubt it. Thinking awfully lately.
Also I'm too polemical.
The lyrics could just straight up be about how ugly the human body actually is with a few faint allusions to it possibly being about something more.
It seems it has to have at least a double meaning... in fact I suppose that is a huge part of what makes music enjoyable. The idea of more than one feeling being expressed simultaneously. If I write a song called Put Your Clothes Back On, what would be the feelings? There could be a sense of hopelessness. That of turning away from truth because actually the truth isn't any good. Nothing can be learned when looking at it. (This is just art here. Not what I truly ultimately think.) But it has to have more than one meaning. Just sounding hopeless won't do it. I could try to mimic the happiness of the exact opposite; some usual love song/making love. I could make it sound like entering a new period in life of great happiness, where we've agreed to turn away from the truth. There would have to be a track that was saying, "This is horrible!"
What are songs that come to mind? Christian Death's Romeo's Distress.
http://www.amazon.com/Only-Theatre-Of-Pain/dp/B0010B6O76/ref=pd_bbs_sr_5?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1217829270&sr=8-5
It was a feeling of being hurried to the point of frantic and finally having a pay off in the end. Finally reaching happiness for your trouble. I want a hurried frantic feeling during which various imperfections of the human body are unfortunately pointed out. Then finally "the pay off" is the solution of turning away.
So the beginning would be hurried and in a major key but dissonant. At the point the solutin is reached, the song will start slowing down. Possible switch to a minor key, (is that possible?) and become consonant. This part will be happy and lovey while also something saying, "this is horrible!" and a feeling of hopelessness in the background. (But not too polemical, perhaps a little something that was earlier suggesting to keep up hope that now is expressing reservations...)
Just an experiment that won't work well; an example of trying to write more symbolically than I usually manage. So start off aspiring to lovey happy. Something in a major key that is kind of hurried and keeps falling into dissonance. Then the solution which gives consonance while falling into a minor key? Perhaps slowing way down (into giving up, death?)
---
The problem with writing symbolically is that it's such a failure in the sense of understanding how short I fall. Knowing how much I have to default to "duh, it sounds good." But just doing that from the beginning turns creativity into something a tad too random. This being "symbolic" at least puts on a cloak of meaning (over the truth); at least makes it appear as not pointlessly random.
This blog ruins mystery that's for sure.
It's hard to like the music of someone I think is stupid and harmful. There's a few people out there I wish I hadn't of gotten to know a bit. Doing so really ruined their music for me....
So I'll try to write such a song. Fall far short probably. But without a doubt I'll still manage to write a "song".
Silliness, silliness, silliness...
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