Meaningful relationships

I want more meaningful relationships; people I can be close to; close enough to, to share my feelings/emotions. As opposed to endless relationships where so much must remain hidden; relationships that are somewhat meaningless....

But it's not so easy... I'm married. So I've got that. I've got my parents. If I'm lucky I might have held on to some childhood friendships... but I haven't. Just about impossible when living somewhere where just about everyone leaves to find a job.

So then, there are women. And they/their husbands/everyone else is going to think I'm looking to commit adultery. And there are men. And being emotionally close to other men/trying to, is thought of as gay.

I suppose that leaves me with gay men. Indeed it does. And men who are gay and yet refuse to face the fact. And I guess gay women. Which is all fine with me. Actually I like such people better than average. But the ones who won't face what they are, aren't free thinking enough to really have much in common with me that I've found. And the ones who do... seem to exclude me for being so not gay... it seems.

Also there is the internet. I try to make meaningful relationships with people online. Some people would consider doing so a waste of time. But it can really mean something to me. Of course it ends up being with women. As men it seems just won't confide with other men. That's gay. With a women who lives far away the sense of impropiety isn't so strong.

So I end up being friends with women who live far away. I've done so for a few years. I didn't do it by following this logical chain of reasoning. But this is why I suppose.

A lady at work clearly had the hots for me recently. She was pretty damm honest about it... without basically saying, "Let's get it on!" So I tried to be friends with her... was quite awkward with her husband and all.... Not sure how he felt about it... Would have been better if she hadn't gone on about how hot I was so many times... But I do love honesty... I never pointed out these problems... I withheld. I wasn't honest in return. Didn't dare.

I didn't find her attractive at all once I got to know her. She was a nice person. Pretty unconformed. I was happy to be her friend but as to the rest there wasn't any need to worry as far as I was concerned. The first time I saw her at work I did do a double take as she looked like this sensitive little book worm type. If she had been all sensitive with a fake british accent and into poetry and books I would have been extremely attracted to her.... She never reads. She was a vegetarian for a decade for ethical reasons but now goes on about how great meat tastes everytime we ate together... She's covered in tattoos. (Which is sort of good... although I have none...) She's a true redhead which is good. We have the same favorite movie (dark crsytal...) Ultimately not enough to make anything much of.... But... kind of close. When you've lived your sorry life in WV.

Anyway she moved far away. We can keep in touch by email now but that's pushing her level of literacy a bit. Smart in her way of course and could learn a lot from her...
Anyway the point being it made it seem hopeless though. As it seems I'm just not allowed to be close to any married women... And when it came down to it, when someone else was really honest, then I just withheld; I who've ruminated so about others withholding so much....

Perhaps a super duper intelligent one who seemed like they could just stay away from issues of the flesh (I think I do know one such person online....) . But I... can't recall meeting such a creature in the flesh... But then, again, with the internet there's so many more people to work with. I can find some pretty impressive people online... speaking relative to what is available in WV that is... Very unimpressive relative to my ideal.

But how sorry to spend so much of life staring at a computer.

And I consider expecting my wife to be my everything to be a sick way of looking at the world. There should be at least a few more meaningful connections than what I've managed to put together. Where I live is part of the problem. But surely I'm also part of it? I don't know.