Writing

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I've done that certainly but it seemed there was nothing else that could be done. The other way stood a sort of death.

It seems serious fiction writing is a sort of turning away from the world. A giving up on mankind; prefering to just be very alone. It seems an ultimately very negative thing.

But I partially did exactly that long ago. I gave up on "love". I gave up on the idea of expecting another human being to be such an important part of my happiness. But I didn't give up on liking people. I didn't give up on still trying to be gregarious and close to people...

To really be a writer means prefering to spend your evenings truly just with yourself. It's a negative thing. But wasn't giving up on "love" the same? To depend on love seemed an ugly thing. To be that needy, that dependent on another. But to take it all the way, to be a writer, would seem so extreme.

But I'm about there. About done with insanity. It is perhaps quite a bit less negative than the alternative. But I keep expecting a different result.

I should know better. I do know better. But this way lies death I think.

......

Humans are gregarious animals but our ability to do violence upon one another, and some other things we've done... has ruined how we interact; has pulled us apart.

It's time to quit being insane. The people I search for in this world don't really exist. Whatever few that come close are too unstable to rely on at all. Potentially changing completely very suddenly.

I can spend an entire day just trying to compose/record music all by myself but it's not being as alone as writing. Each music note is a symbol for a living creature which my computer is playing outloud for me (from without). The sequencer putting it all together is doing something that is partially beyond my feeble mind and also is coming from outside of me.

Writing OTOH is more completely just from within. It is, I think, the most complete turning away from the world; turning inside of one's self. It relys the most completely on just what is in your head. It takes more intelligence I suppose, ultimately, to sum it up.

Maybe it is just a failure of my intelligence that I haven't managed it yet... as opposed to this turning away from the world idea. But could be a combination.

But lately I have really craved this turning away anyway. Just doubtful it will stick in the long term as I very strongly have the idea in my head that I'm doing a negative thing.