Coco Loco spoke to me for 6 hours until 4AM and thus I was able to sleep till 3pm and then work from 6pm till 8am (two lumbar drains, one ventric drain, two that were unintentionally pulled out during the night and a doctor who seems to not care so very much, again: too stressful) and then drive 4 hours and spend that whole day and part of the next helping my older sister move out of her house. I was a bit loopy from lack of sleep that evening. Actually I'm probably funner to be around. But I'm more likely to accidentally offend or even scare. My one brother-in-law at one point asked me how I got to the one house (the one I've managed to never speak a word about in this blog despite the seemingly ranty nature of it...) and I answered I ran (after the truck), then started pumping my arms like my hands were blades and humming the terminator music and running around. It seemed funny at the time. He probably thought I was trying to be an ass to him. We don't get along. Bastard Bush supporter probably occasionally reads this blog as he likes to spy on people using his computer skills. On the other hand he's so dumb he probably can't read it much, nor has he yet figured out how to ruin me with what's in it. I can't actually picture him reading this blog. He's too dumb. Yet, the way he loves to spy, he almost surely does. He's scary in that he's an extreme rightwinger, dumber than a doorknob, yet very good at spying. And I mean microcameras, computer programs, etc. Perhaps that's why I never mention him here? No, it's really just that some things aren't worth ranting about.
My other brother-in-law and sister bought a house that was more then they could afford. And finally after struggling to make payments for a few years they finally gave up making payments 10 months ago and finally managed a short sell. So it was a sad day for them. At least they didn't actually go bankrupt like my other sister who owed 250,000 dollars including 40K she put on a credit card in my mom's name.
They're moving in with my one brother-in-law's family. The whole family was there helping and they're wonderful people. Both parents, the daughter and all three sons. All wonderful people. The one son is a philosopher like me. I'm reminded of myself. Which is both a good and bad thing. Hard to explain the bad. It's as if not enough consideration to being good at the mere survival parts is taking place. But one can't point a finger at what exactly is really being neglected. Just in the way he converses you feel like there's something he's not keeping an eye on that he's 'supposed' to be... I wonder how much the same I appear but really I'm not that much the same. In some ways he's a typical weed smoker who spent a long time in college without ever getting a degree and being unemployed. None of that remotely describes me. But still he seems a really good guy to me.
During the 31 hours we were there my stepfather at first was going to buy a 280,000 house for them (in his name as their credit is ruined but then they would make the payments), then decided not to, then based on talking to me decided to buy it, then when I wasn't paying attention changed his mind and decided not to and told the realtor so, then at the last moment, literally right as we were leaving, changed his mind again and decided to buy it.
The morning of the second day... I like mornings. They have more hope. Woke up early. Went with wife and dad to look at this house. Listened to his philosophy of what a good person is:
(1. Makes as much money as possible. 2. Saves as much money as possible. 3. Gives away as much money as possible.)
He's a sort of philosopher but his philosophy is pretty crude. But there are beautiful thoughts underlying it. And he has spent his life being both a miser and a philanthropist, somehow. And ultimately a wonderful person also.
Or I should say he's always truly meant well. Made my life and others utter hell at times. But I'm on a wonderful streak and that's not a bad thing. There is truth in it.
He had decided not to help get the house. We went and looked at it. I helped him understand why he had decided not to get it. (He has the idea in his head that my sister and brother-in-law need to be somewhat 'punished', yet doesn't entirely understand that he has this idea in his head.) I managed to convince him to help them buy the house.
Then we went to the Shepherd farmer's market. In Fairmont my stepfather bought 15 green peppers for 3 dollars. At this one they were a dollar a piece. In Fairmont it was all just raw produce. Here they had cashew butter, and guacomole dip, and unusual breads, hummus, etc. Snooty. I liked it.
Then breakfast. I had plain oatmeal. It tasted wonderful. Vunderful. Tasted better than my own. Maybe they don't use a microwave. Maybe the oats were steel cut. I ate my oats and read the New York Times. It's actually a worthwhile paper. The local papers where I live are utter crap. While I read and ate my oats we sat at the counter; my wife inbetween me and my stepfather. The restaurant was loud and I couldn't hear what they were talking about. By the time we left he had changed his mind again and wasn't going to buy the house. My wife claims she had nothing to do with it.
The whole 4 hour drive there and and then back was in the Camry with the really good sound system but my wife and stepfather would not let me listen to music. Once though when dropping off furniture, etc at someone's house, I was driving with my brother-in-law's father and he went inside to watch the football game for 15 minutes. And so I got to listen to 81 and 80 that I recently wrote while staring at the verdant scenery out in the country. I like them. 80 is seemingly repetitive but actually always has a little bit of stuff going on that isn't quite. And I like the analog simulation sounds. The philosopher weed relative thought the drums cheesy. They sort of really are but I don't mind them. The underlying piano in 81 is completely unrepetitive but you have to actually be listening very closely to realize this. It's a very good song from the selfish standpoint of the composer. I know it well enough (unlike anyone else who'll ever hear it) to understand the complexities of it which probably go unnoticed by others. Yet, even I can't tell you consciously what happens next.
Friday, September 25, 2009
...so then I want to write a story about the moral man in dystopia. And what does it take to be such a man? You have to be a sort of freak. A sort of monster. A creature with little to no fear. (And what could cause that? Incredible strength and/or nothing to lose?) A creature that doesn't care about pleasing those around him. A creature that doesn't really conform.
A person who has metaphorically been trying to reinvent the wheel with regards to everything....
A man who is reviled to the extent he truly reveals himself to his fellows...?
A man yet who believes total honesty is essential.
A man who is nice like a masochist. Always assuming the best. In theory hating hiskind, in practice loving everyone.
A creature that had no interest in pleasing its parents. Not though because he hated them, as that would mean rebeling and simply trying to be their opposite. No, he neither hates nor thinks particularly highly of them. Is it like he's indifferent? Is he incapable of love?
With his lack of fear, perhaps he can't understand the main motivational force behind the actions of his fellow. Instead he just sees their endless moral failings and is consumed with rage.
I want to make clear that he's a monster. A monster and yet an angel. And that it is only possible to be an angel in a dystopia if you are a monster.
Or does it?
Or is he?
A person who has metaphorically been trying to reinvent the wheel with regards to everything....
A man who is reviled to the extent he truly reveals himself to his fellows...?
A man yet who believes total honesty is essential.
A man who is nice like a masochist. Always assuming the best. In theory hating hiskind, in practice loving everyone.
A creature that had no interest in pleasing its parents. Not though because he hated them, as that would mean rebeling and simply trying to be their opposite. No, he neither hates nor thinks particularly highly of them. Is it like he's indifferent? Is he incapable of love?
With his lack of fear, perhaps he can't understand the main motivational force behind the actions of his fellow. Instead he just sees their endless moral failings and is consumed with rage.
I want to make clear that he's a monster. A monster and yet an angel. And that it is only possible to be an angel in a dystopia if you are a monster.
Or does it?
Or is he?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I think it's important to identify obstacles that hold people back from accomplishing stuff. Yet, strangely, I think people refrain from talking about the obstacles because to speak of them is considered making excuses. You have to though, have a clear understanding of what really does hold you back from accomplishing some goal. And usually we don't really understand what holds us back. Often it's some things wandering between the conscious and unconscious. And/or it's a whole wealth of minutiae that is beyond the memories ability to hold on very well.
One hates to go on and on about some creative project that they've never even really started upon. But, at least to some extent, if done correctly, it can be worthwhile and even essential to do so. To some extent.
One hates to go on and on about some creative project that they've never even really started upon. But, at least to some extent, if done correctly, it can be worthwhile and even essential to do so. To some extent.
The barriers on microtonal music are...
The sound of homegrown piano with scala files isn't any good. But I suppose it's no worse really than a harpischord.
I'm unfamilar of course with any new scale and standard keyboards don't correspond. I guess I need to stick pieces of tape on the keyboard in the place at least of one octave up, a fifth, the seventh, etc. With what little playing around I've done so far it seems I lose the ability even to tell what is an octave up! As the strange pitches ...discombobulate me or something.
What alternate scale should I even use? Maybe, probably, no amount of trying to study music theory and the mathematics behind it is going to answer that question on it's own. I simply need to mess around with such alternate scales, actually hear them, see how they sound...
Despite the bad sound of homegrown piano I should use it and it's scala files pitchshifted from a single note. 19 equal temperament-put bits of tape on the keyboard.
...
lambdoma
The problem with that is there's 21 notes in the first octave, ten in the second and then only 3, 2, and 1, 1, 1 in the following. But that first bit looks like a nice alternate scale to me.
1/8, 1/7, 1/6, 1/5, 1/4, 2/7, 1/3, 2/5, 3/7, 1/2, 4/7, 3/5, 5/8, 2/3, 5/7, 3/4, 4/5, 5/6, 6/7, 7/8, 1
Not much agreement out there though. 19 equal temperament and 31 equal temperament are high regarded. I should experiment with just intonation, the left half of the lambdoma as above, and continue experimenting with 19 equal temperament.
What's so special about using limits by the way? http://totallyratted.com/theory/0008_harmonicseries.pdf
Pythagoras using the three limit. Partch using the 11 limit, etc. Many questions I've no one to ask.
The sound of homegrown piano with scala files isn't any good. But I suppose it's no worse really than a harpischord.
I'm unfamilar of course with any new scale and standard keyboards don't correspond. I guess I need to stick pieces of tape on the keyboard in the place at least of one octave up, a fifth, the seventh, etc. With what little playing around I've done so far it seems I lose the ability even to tell what is an octave up! As the strange pitches ...discombobulate me or something.
What alternate scale should I even use? Maybe, probably, no amount of trying to study music theory and the mathematics behind it is going to answer that question on it's own. I simply need to mess around with such alternate scales, actually hear them, see how they sound...
Despite the bad sound of homegrown piano I should use it and it's scala files pitchshifted from a single note. 19 equal temperament-put bits of tape on the keyboard.
...
lambdoma
The problem with that is there's 21 notes in the first octave, ten in the second and then only 3, 2, and 1, 1, 1 in the following. But that first bit looks like a nice alternate scale to me.
1/8, 1/7, 1/6, 1/5, 1/4, 2/7, 1/3, 2/5, 3/7, 1/2, 4/7, 3/5, 5/8, 2/3, 5/7, 3/4, 4/5, 5/6, 6/7, 7/8, 1
Not much agreement out there though. 19 equal temperament and 31 equal temperament are high regarded. I should experiment with just intonation, the left half of the lambdoma as above, and continue experimenting with 19 equal temperament.
What's so special about using limits by the way? http://totallyratted.com/theory/0008_harmonicseries.pdf
Pythagoras using the three limit. Partch using the 11 limit, etc. Many questions I've no one to ask.
The imperative of the last 20 years to round up every warm body and send it to college, then to the cubicle, was tied to a vision of the future in which we somehow take leave of material reality and glide about in a pure information economy.....
When we praise people who do work that is straightforwardly useful, the praise often betrays an assumption that they had no other options. We idealize them as the salt of the earth and emphasize the sacrifice for others their work may entail. Such sacrifice does indeed occur — the hazards faced by a lineman restoring power during a storm come to mind. But what if such work answers as well to a basic human need of the one who does it?...
Some people are hustled off to college, then to the cubicle, against their own inclinations and natural bents, when they would rather be learning to build things or fix things. One shop teacher suggested to me that “in schools, we create artificial learning environments for our children that they know to be contrived and undeserving of their full attention and engagement. Without the opportunity to learn through the hands, the world remains abstract and distant, and the passions for learning will not be engaged.”...
A gifted young person who chooses to become a mechanic rather than to accumulate academic credentials is viewed as eccentric, if not self-destructive. There is a pervasive anxiety among parents that there is only one track to success for their children. It runs through a series of gates controlled by prestigious institutions. Further, there is wide use of drugs to medicate boys, especially, against their natural tendency toward action, the better to “keep things on track.” I taught briefly in a public high school and would have loved to have set up a Ritalin fogger in my classroom. It is a rare person, male or female, who is naturally inclined to sit still for 17 years in school, and then indefinitely at work.
So then I feel like building things. Will be in a new house very soon that has far more room. Two car garage with huge shelves for tools. Going to at least build some wind chimes.
http://geocities.com/teeley2/chimeart.html
Possibly some original musical instruments that use an alternate tonal scale...
When we praise people who do work that is straightforwardly useful, the praise often betrays an assumption that they had no other options. We idealize them as the salt of the earth and emphasize the sacrifice for others their work may entail. Such sacrifice does indeed occur — the hazards faced by a lineman restoring power during a storm come to mind. But what if such work answers as well to a basic human need of the one who does it?...
Some people are hustled off to college, then to the cubicle, against their own inclinations and natural bents, when they would rather be learning to build things or fix things. One shop teacher suggested to me that “in schools, we create artificial learning environments for our children that they know to be contrived and undeserving of their full attention and engagement. Without the opportunity to learn through the hands, the world remains abstract and distant, and the passions for learning will not be engaged.”...
A gifted young person who chooses to become a mechanic rather than to accumulate academic credentials is viewed as eccentric, if not self-destructive. There is a pervasive anxiety among parents that there is only one track to success for their children. It runs through a series of gates controlled by prestigious institutions. Further, there is wide use of drugs to medicate boys, especially, against their natural tendency toward action, the better to “keep things on track.” I taught briefly in a public high school and would have loved to have set up a Ritalin fogger in my classroom. It is a rare person, male or female, who is naturally inclined to sit still for 17 years in school, and then indefinitely at work.
So then I feel like building things. Will be in a new house very soon that has far more room. Two car garage with huge shelves for tools. Going to at least build some wind chimes.
http://geocities.com/teeley2/chimeart.html
Possibly some original musical instruments that use an alternate tonal scale...
A problem with the term 'fear of failure' is that it's not necessarily fear so much as simply a prudent worry that you might possibly or very probably be utterly wasting your time. If someone tries to help you and says that essentially you're afraid, people can respond as if you're criticizing them. (You're just afraid! Grow some balls!") And people who feel they're being criticized are less likely to listen.
If someone is causing harm (including to themselves) or in any case where the direction a person is taking does not appear to be the optimum, the thing to do is manage to tell them a better way and/or tell them what they're doing wrong while somehow managing to not sound as if you're criticizing them. Which you are.
If someone is causing harm (including to themselves) or in any case where the direction a person is taking does not appear to be the optimum, the thing to do is manage to tell them a better way and/or tell them what they're doing wrong while somehow managing to not sound as if you're criticizing them. Which you are.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Number 80. Chanting is from here:
http://www.rideflame.co.uk/dudjom.html
Mostly track two but with heavy reverb and delay. Converting to MP3 hurt the sound quality much more than it normally does.
Just supposed to be some mood music although ended up taking a while with having to render so many ten minutes parts.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
At first I felt soothed just in that there are far more voices then there were originally. And the more the better to me. (more life, more points of view, a richer world). Also it was just new and thus refreshing.
And this is again juxtaposed with how most people prefering that which is simple and easily understandable. For example generally prefering music in major keys instead of minors. (Because the tones in major keys with respect to 'home' are fractions that are smaller prime numbers than in minor keys. Thus more simplistic. And thus relatively 'happy'.)
Simplistic.
Oversimplifying.
The above is an example of what I do over and over again. Purposely oversimplify in an attempt to find understanding.
...you can believe something that's not true or you can understand nothing.
Chaos in minor keys. To be honest I literally enjoy multiple songs playing at once. (It happens now and then with opening new windows on the computer. Youtube, etc.) I wouldn't mind pushing my music that way. But, something holds me back. The anomie of it. The blurred edge going into the meaninglessly random and away from order, consonance, life. The trouble to put together all those samples and having enough CPU power.
The Group
"..Irvin Janis, following George Orwell, has called the tendency for the attitudes of a tightly knit group to become extreme 'Groupthink'. According to him, the members may develop an illusion of invulnerability coupled with extreme optimism; they ignore inconvenient facts; their belief in their own morality may lead them to commit immoral actions as a means to an end; they hold stereotyped views of rival or enemy groups whom they regard as evil or weak; individual members attempt to silence dissent from others in the group; each member suppresses his own doubts in order to conform; there is an illusion of unanimity resulting from this supression; and finally, they protect other members by concealing information not in line with the group's views. Two further points are worth making. First, when a leader picks an advisory committee, he is unlikely to select either people who have very different views from himself or people who are more intelligent or more powerful in discussion than himself. The point cannot be proven, but to maintain their self-esteem leaders are likely to surround themselves by acolytes, thus exacerbating the tendencies already mentioned. Second, when a committee has a leader, the members will want to please him, particularly if he can influence their careers: this can be particularly pernicious, for the more the members agree with the leader, the more extreme his own attitudes are likely to become and hence the other members make even more extreme statements. It is a characteristic vicious circle.
Stuart Sutherland, Irrationality pg 46
Stuart Sutherland, Irrationality pg 46
As to getting feedback/comments about creative endeavors, one knows that the artist probably wants comments but one usually has no clue what kind of comments the person might want, and what comments they might take offense at.
It seems most people only want to hear that you love it, otherwise, shut up. Only some very few really do want constructive feedback.
But you never know which is which. (well you virtually never know as almost never do people bother saying what kind of feedback they're looking for, probably because they figure they'll be very lucky to get any feedback, better not sound all picky...) And even those who say they want constructive feedback may actually only want feedback on a few things, and for everything else, they still don't actually want to hear negatives.
Giving feedback is always a tricky thing. If you keep it real, you're going to get people angry with you, who in response to you bothering to take the time and really listen, are just going to basically tell you to piss off.
And actually, do you really need feedback? Do you not already know yourself what you like and dislike in that medium?
If you determinedly, in an attempt to respect creativity and the efforts of your fellow humans, try to continue giving people comments, you end up reduced to some bland comments that '(you) like it', or perhaps hazarding some little technical comment. Because after a while if you attempt to give anything more honest and interesting, the absurd ugly responses you'll get will drive you nuts.
And most people don't have any interesting insights into whatever artistic medium you're working in anyway and their comments would consist of: I like it because it's got a nice beat and you can dance to it. (the phrase idiotically repeated endlessly on that Dick Clarke show.)
And most people will not even listen. They won't even listen and one is left wondering how they can value creativity so little? What is it exactly that makes them act so?
Is it:
Jealousy?
Some kind of corporate magic spell that makes them somehow unable to listen to unsigned music?
They don't want to get caught up in how problematic giving feedback is?
They figure it probably sucks or you'd be famous? And so completely don't give a shit about you that they'll not chance wasting even a few seconds of their time on you?
I almost never comment on the art of others anymore online. In part because I'm afraid that by attempting to be altruistic and say something worthwhile I'll just run into someone who'll get offended and then respond like a dick.
Still, anyone I personally know who does creative stuff, I've always been interested in hearing/seeing it. Always. Even the christian rock guy I used to work with. And in return no one else gives a shit to listen at all. (Including the typically intolerant what-would-jesus-not-do?-christian rock guy at work.) Not even to listen once to determine that they don't like it.
Again I ask: why?
Are they under some kind of spell? Why is it they're only capable of listening to corporate music?
Do they really have absolutely no respect for me and/or no respect for creativity?
Perhaps once they listen they'd feel as if they might have to say something and don't want to have to go down that problematic road?
With respect to the comments on soundclick we see how fucked the human species is. Site after site I see beautiful music sitting there for years with no comments at all. (Except people advertising their own music in the comments section of other people's sites.)
And then.
AND THEN. I have to go and be different and comment. And.... never has anyone given enough of a shit to comment in return. Never, never, never.
Never once was my altruism returned at all.
Certainly I did not expect that the people I commented to were obliged to comment in return. But eventually I started noticing that no one ever returned the sort of common decency to me that I try to give to everyone.
Never.
The same as in most other things in my life.
To be more moral then everyone around you is to become old and bitter and/or full of rage and/or desperately unhappy, etc.
It seems most people only want to hear that you love it, otherwise, shut up. Only some very few really do want constructive feedback.
But you never know which is which. (well you virtually never know as almost never do people bother saying what kind of feedback they're looking for, probably because they figure they'll be very lucky to get any feedback, better not sound all picky...) And even those who say they want constructive feedback may actually only want feedback on a few things, and for everything else, they still don't actually want to hear negatives.
Giving feedback is always a tricky thing. If you keep it real, you're going to get people angry with you, who in response to you bothering to take the time and really listen, are just going to basically tell you to piss off.
And actually, do you really need feedback? Do you not already know yourself what you like and dislike in that medium?
If you determinedly, in an attempt to respect creativity and the efforts of your fellow humans, try to continue giving people comments, you end up reduced to some bland comments that '(you) like it', or perhaps hazarding some little technical comment. Because after a while if you attempt to give anything more honest and interesting, the absurd ugly responses you'll get will drive you nuts.
And most people don't have any interesting insights into whatever artistic medium you're working in anyway and their comments would consist of: I like it because it's got a nice beat and you can dance to it. (the phrase idiotically repeated endlessly on that Dick Clarke show.)
And most people will not even listen. They won't even listen and one is left wondering how they can value creativity so little? What is it exactly that makes them act so?
Is it:
Jealousy?
Some kind of corporate magic spell that makes them somehow unable to listen to unsigned music?
They don't want to get caught up in how problematic giving feedback is?
They figure it probably sucks or you'd be famous? And so completely don't give a shit about you that they'll not chance wasting even a few seconds of their time on you?
I almost never comment on the art of others anymore online. In part because I'm afraid that by attempting to be altruistic and say something worthwhile I'll just run into someone who'll get offended and then respond like a dick.
Still, anyone I personally know who does creative stuff, I've always been interested in hearing/seeing it. Always. Even the christian rock guy I used to work with. And in return no one else gives a shit to listen at all. (Including the typically intolerant what-would-jesus-not-do?-christian rock guy at work.) Not even to listen once to determine that they don't like it.
Again I ask: why?
Are they under some kind of spell? Why is it they're only capable of listening to corporate music?
Do they really have absolutely no respect for me and/or no respect for creativity?
Perhaps once they listen they'd feel as if they might have to say something and don't want to have to go down that problematic road?
With respect to the comments on soundclick we see how fucked the human species is. Site after site I see beautiful music sitting there for years with no comments at all. (Except people advertising their own music in the comments section of other people's sites.)
And then.
AND THEN. I have to go and be different and comment. And.... never has anyone given enough of a shit to comment in return. Never, never, never.
Never once was my altruism returned at all.
Certainly I did not expect that the people I commented to were obliged to comment in return. But eventually I started noticing that no one ever returned the sort of common decency to me that I try to give to everyone.
Never.
The same as in most other things in my life.
To be more moral then everyone around you is to become old and bitter and/or full of rage and/or desperately unhappy, etc.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binaural_beats
I am curious about this part:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binaural_beats#Brain_waves
Not in the sense of being a person who wants to use 'artificial' means to change my own state of mind. Just a general curiousity. (Why do I feel the need to point that out? Because the one person I know really into this liked to take lots of drugs and eventually developed schizophrenia.)
Not so curious about this:
http://binaural.com/binbb.html
Was wondering does a difference of sound of about 10Hz ever 'naturally' occur between the left and right ear. And think it must almost never occur. The frequency distance between notes in the 12 tone traditional scale is too much. Except for very low bass (where the step is less). But still probably never does two such different notes occur with one to the far right and one to the far left.
But, still I think it would be pretty easy to modify a song so that it had some binaural beat aspects to, where the freq difference was in the 10 to 40Hz range... Simply by taking a completed rendered track and pitch shifting it up 20 cents and to the far right. Then a second completed rendered track pitch shifted down 20 cents and to the far left. Guesstimating 20 cents taking into consideration a very rough estimate of an average note in the mid 4th octave where the frequency step is 16, 20 Hz or so. Take roughly half of that to try to entrain a brainwave frequency on the edge of sleep around 8Hz or so.
But this effect, whatever soothing effect it might possibly have, I think would be drowned out by the simple consanance/dissonance, synesthesia, etc of the music/sounds. For the heck of it I modified something where I put to the far left and right: 20 cents down, 20 cents up, a whole octave down and a whole octave up plus normal right down the middle.
At first I felt soothed just in that there are far more voices then there were originally. And the more the better to me. (more life, more points of view, a richer world). Also it was just new and thus refreshing.
To my wife it sounded awful. But it always does.
There is a beating to it. (which isn't the goal.)
http://www.phy.mtu.edu/~suits/beats.html
But it seems to be caused by the octave up and down tracks. Although I can also create such beating by taking two wavelengths that are 5, 10Hz, etc different. The faint beating of this track hasn't gotten annoying yet. Although it's surely on a different time than the 134.5 BPM of the song file.
This is all a probably silly thing but the wiki article did fascinate me. I work in an epilepsy unit and can sit there and monitoring people's brainwaves (although that's not my job). I can tell just by looking at their brainwaves whether they're asleep of awake (or having a seizure). Perhaps this concept could be used for epileptic seizures?
I am curious about this part:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binaural_beats#Brain_waves
Not in the sense of being a person who wants to use 'artificial' means to change my own state of mind. Just a general curiousity. (Why do I feel the need to point that out? Because the one person I know really into this liked to take lots of drugs and eventually developed schizophrenia.)
Not so curious about this:
http://binaural.com/binbb.html
Was wondering does a difference of sound of about 10Hz ever 'naturally' occur between the left and right ear. And think it must almost never occur. The frequency distance between notes in the 12 tone traditional scale is too much. Except for very low bass (where the step is less). But still probably never does two such different notes occur with one to the far right and one to the far left.
But, still I think it would be pretty easy to modify a song so that it had some binaural beat aspects to, where the freq difference was in the 10 to 40Hz range... Simply by taking a completed rendered track and pitch shifting it up 20 cents and to the far right. Then a second completed rendered track pitch shifted down 20 cents and to the far left. Guesstimating 20 cents taking into consideration a very rough estimate of an average note in the mid 4th octave where the frequency step is 16, 20 Hz or so. Take roughly half of that to try to entrain a brainwave frequency on the edge of sleep around 8Hz or so.
But this effect, whatever soothing effect it might possibly have, I think would be drowned out by the simple consanance/dissonance, synesthesia, etc of the music/sounds. For the heck of it I modified something where I put to the far left and right: 20 cents down, 20 cents up, a whole octave down and a whole octave up plus normal right down the middle.
At first I felt soothed just in that there are far more voices then there were originally. And the more the better to me. (more life, more points of view, a richer world). Also it was just new and thus refreshing.
To my wife it sounded awful. But it always does.
There is a beating to it. (which isn't the goal.)
http://www.phy.mtu.edu/~suits/beats.html
But it seems to be caused by the octave up and down tracks. Although I can also create such beating by taking two wavelengths that are 5, 10Hz, etc different. The faint beating of this track hasn't gotten annoying yet. Although it's surely on a different time than the 134.5 BPM of the song file.
This is all a probably silly thing but the wiki article did fascinate me. I work in an epilepsy unit and can sit there and monitoring people's brainwaves (although that's not my job). I can tell just by looking at their brainwaves whether they're asleep of awake (or having a seizure). Perhaps this concept could be used for epileptic seizures?
Friday, September 18, 2009
I think there's something sick about a huge audience just standing around watching a very few people. It ties into the sickness of a society where art is mass produced/reproduced.
The end result is 'artists' whom are motivated by the shallow desire to be famous.
And really, that probably covers just about all artists who are indeed famous. As probably no one else would want to put up with that shit. Well to an extent...
And then furthermore you've the people who want to perform live in front of a huge audience because essentially, they're power tripping. They love to be the center of attention, etc.
What it all is, is very anti-egalitarian. And not the sort of thing any true leftist would want to be a part of.
For that matter, anyone with talent who goes about trying to become famous must think we're living in something that still resembles a meritocracy. Which is to say a person perhaps that's young and naive at best. If not someone who believes that our society is basically working just fine. In other words: a conservative.
OTOH I can see playing in front of a maximum of a few hundred people. I've enjoyed such concerts. I agree with Roger Waters on this and can sympathize with him spitting on an audience member at one of those massive shows they used to put on.
The end result is 'artists' whom are motivated by the shallow desire to be famous.
And really, that probably covers just about all artists who are indeed famous. As probably no one else would want to put up with that shit. Well to an extent...
And then furthermore you've the people who want to perform live in front of a huge audience because essentially, they're power tripping. They love to be the center of attention, etc.
What it all is, is very anti-egalitarian. And not the sort of thing any true leftist would want to be a part of.
For that matter, anyone with talent who goes about trying to become famous must think we're living in something that still resembles a meritocracy. Which is to say a person perhaps that's young and naive at best. If not someone who believes that our society is basically working just fine. In other words: a conservative.
OTOH I can see playing in front of a maximum of a few hundred people. I've enjoyed such concerts. I agree with Roger Waters on this and can sympathize with him spitting on an audience member at one of those massive shows they used to put on.
"I don't think most people want a better society. I think somehow most people are satisfied with how life is. I'd like to write a few stories illustrating that no matter how awful conditions are, most people will convince themselves that things are about as good as they're going to get and most will find a way to be happy or at least make sure to ... Read Morekeep up a relatively convincing outward pretense.
Beyond doing this just because it means they can be slightly happy right now instead of facing a pretty daunting task (changing the world), they do this because anyone who dares say there's something really wrong with society is instead automatically perceived as having something really wrong with themselves.
And so then furthermore whatever pet cause activism some few people adopt (socialism, veganism, feminism, etc) they usually go out of their way to otherwise adopt an incredibly dishonest pretense of being otherwise 'well adjusted' and happy."
I repeat it because I forget it. I forget it and remember thinking it and wondering if it was some... illusion or whatever. I can be happy easily enough. I've got relatively decent health. A relatively decent job situation. A wonderful wife. There are things to look forward to. I can concentrate on the positive and thus... it becomes seemingly untrue. But what it is, is that they do it by concentrating on the positive. And concentrating on the positive doesn't have to be some absurd thing. (When I think the phrase in my head I picture some person with an idiotic smile ignoring things that shall soon enough bite them in the ass.)
It's a simple enough matter of trying to pop a bit of humor into the daily tasks of life. And otherwise thinking of stuff like moving into a new house, alternate scale music, reading fantasy fiction, food, etc. Simply let all the negative stuff that isn't going to change fade off into the distance.
Yes, this is common sense. If you can't change it, learn to accept it. Don't dwell upon it.
I've prefered to dwell. As virtually no one else is.
And then I'm amazed that no one else is. How can I be so different?
But that very well may be exactly why I'm dwelling. Because no one else is.
If a bunch of people already were, then very possibly I'd have gone off and found something else to think upon which no one else was thinking about.
Or not.
-
Things to do:
1. Repond to emails....
2. Create bineural tracks. If I dare. Seems a bit scary.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binaural_beats
3. Write alternative tonal scale music. Started with one in 19 equal temperament. I'm doing it cluelessly.
a. I need to choose an alternative scale based on some kind of mathematical understanding which I don't yet possess. I need to write the music with a mathematical understanding of what I'm doing. I guess. But first, I need something that sounds better. Homegrown piano with scala files sounds awful. Everything pitch shifted from a single note. Ugly sound. But how much of that is just because it's an alternative scale? Pitch shifting always result in a 'tinny' sound to me. But then, so does most of the alternative scale music I've heard.
I should go listen to more.
4. I bought a hohner 26 melodica. It sounds better than the hohner 32 student. (They put 'student' in the fine print. Otherwise I wouldn't have bought it.) The 26 doesn't have the shrillness. I should try again to write reggaeish music with it.
5. Do want to something using the files RF put up. Such beautiful voices.
6. And it seems I HAVE to start with short stories as far as writing because I think the main thing stopping me is worrying any direction I choose might actually be a mistake and thus a huge waste of time.
-
My sleep wasn't so good lately. Lots of night shift workers don't sleep well. Really I haven't slept as well as I'd like for most of the last few years.
But, if I attempt a one arm chinup every day, then I sleep wonderfully. 8 hours straight. And no trouble falling asleep for naps here and there, if necessary.
But it seems attempting a one arm chinup every day eventually takes a toll in other ways upon my body. I would here and there just get this feeling like my guts were giving out. And feeling too tired. And worse, it feels as if my heart has been fluttering here and there. Just for a moment. Is that related? I know that's not just in my head. Perhaps I'm getting some atrial fibrillations. Or V tach. I should maybe get it checked out.
Would (will) such exercise eventually kill me?
What a silly way that would be to die.
Perhaps 3 or 4 days then rest for 3 or 4 days. I'm curious to see how other people who have trouble sleeping would do if they tried some similar exercise. My wife actually sleeps quite bad. But she won't do it. I don't think she has enough muscle to strain with to tire herself out so much, if she did.
Beyond doing this just because it means they can be slightly happy right now instead of facing a pretty daunting task (changing the world), they do this because anyone who dares say there's something really wrong with society is instead automatically perceived as having something really wrong with themselves.
And so then furthermore whatever pet cause activism some few people adopt (socialism, veganism, feminism, etc) they usually go out of their way to otherwise adopt an incredibly dishonest pretense of being otherwise 'well adjusted' and happy."
I repeat it because I forget it. I forget it and remember thinking it and wondering if it was some... illusion or whatever. I can be happy easily enough. I've got relatively decent health. A relatively decent job situation. A wonderful wife. There are things to look forward to. I can concentrate on the positive and thus... it becomes seemingly untrue. But what it is, is that they do it by concentrating on the positive. And concentrating on the positive doesn't have to be some absurd thing. (When I think the phrase in my head I picture some person with an idiotic smile ignoring things that shall soon enough bite them in the ass.)
It's a simple enough matter of trying to pop a bit of humor into the daily tasks of life. And otherwise thinking of stuff like moving into a new house, alternate scale music, reading fantasy fiction, food, etc. Simply let all the negative stuff that isn't going to change fade off into the distance.
Yes, this is common sense. If you can't change it, learn to accept it. Don't dwell upon it.
I've prefered to dwell. As virtually no one else is.
And then I'm amazed that no one else is. How can I be so different?
But that very well may be exactly why I'm dwelling. Because no one else is.
If a bunch of people already were, then very possibly I'd have gone off and found something else to think upon which no one else was thinking about.
Or not.
-
Things to do:
1. Repond to emails....
2. Create bineural tracks. If I dare. Seems a bit scary.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binaural_beats
3. Write alternative tonal scale music. Started with one in 19 equal temperament. I'm doing it cluelessly.
a. I need to choose an alternative scale based on some kind of mathematical understanding which I don't yet possess. I need to write the music with a mathematical understanding of what I'm doing. I guess. But first, I need something that sounds better. Homegrown piano with scala files sounds awful. Everything pitch shifted from a single note. Ugly sound. But how much of that is just because it's an alternative scale? Pitch shifting always result in a 'tinny' sound to me. But then, so does most of the alternative scale music I've heard.
I should go listen to more.
4. I bought a hohner 26 melodica. It sounds better than the hohner 32 student. (They put 'student' in the fine print. Otherwise I wouldn't have bought it.) The 26 doesn't have the shrillness. I should try again to write reggaeish music with it.
5. Do want to something using the files RF put up. Such beautiful voices.
6. And it seems I HAVE to start with short stories as far as writing because I think the main thing stopping me is worrying any direction I choose might actually be a mistake and thus a huge waste of time.
-
My sleep wasn't so good lately. Lots of night shift workers don't sleep well. Really I haven't slept as well as I'd like for most of the last few years.
But, if I attempt a one arm chinup every day, then I sleep wonderfully. 8 hours straight. And no trouble falling asleep for naps here and there, if necessary.
But it seems attempting a one arm chinup every day eventually takes a toll in other ways upon my body. I would here and there just get this feeling like my guts were giving out. And feeling too tired. And worse, it feels as if my heart has been fluttering here and there. Just for a moment. Is that related? I know that's not just in my head. Perhaps I'm getting some atrial fibrillations. Or V tach. I should maybe get it checked out.
Would (will) such exercise eventually kill me?
What a silly way that would be to die.
Perhaps 3 or 4 days then rest for 3 or 4 days. I'm curious to see how other people who have trouble sleeping would do if they tried some similar exercise. My wife actually sleeps quite bad. But she won't do it. I don't think she has enough muscle to strain with to tire herself out so much, if she did.
Monday, September 14, 2009
8 days without a blog post. (80 hour work week+my marine brother visiting for the first time in 5 years...) A record.... Reading Robin Hobb's Soldier Son trilogy and thinking about the need for people to focus on trying to please their 'over I' or super ego, or to have pride in following their own set ethical guidelines, or etc, instead of trying to please a parent, etc.
Thinking of how essential that is, that a person should question the authority of their parent (such Nevare's father early on wishes he would do...) and become something other than their follower. Neither a follower nor leader should anyone be. Except a leader of one's self. Trying to think upon how essential or not essential this is, to determining the moral character of a person...
Certainly in a dystopia questioning authority is crucial... If I ever have children, and it's looking very iffy... I do think this is something that will really stick with me. A child that still at 10, at 15... seems primarily concerned with pleasing me.... I would think that horrible.
I look at the people around me who have broken moral compasses... It is more complex. Hobb's world is simplified as most stories are. But this idea of having a strong authority figure whom you unquestioningly follow. Who's authority you obey. Whereby your only morality is to please them plays a role.
But comes a day where you become that new moral authority whom you think deserves to be obeyed without question. And your own ethical code is based on what? You who've spent your life trying to curry favor with whoever you perceived as having power over you... It would appear to be a morality based on power.
All that morality means is self interest with some long term forethought. Which is to say instead of just doing are own immediate short term self interest, we perform acts that appear to help the common good to our own detriment instead.
Those who believe in leaders and followers and believe their morality ultimately consists of doing what the leader says, actually do so because they understand that keeping in good favor with the leader is in their own best interest. It is a simple and practical short term thinking. The person who instead answers only to himself, to hell with the evil wishes of whoever has power over him, is actually practicing a much longer term self interest.
It is hard to explain. But within the difference between the two and so on. We have conflicts. Between the differences in moral codes we have the concept of evil and thus we have anger. As one person focuses on longer term good and sees another is ignoring it, they feel their is nothing for it then but force (and thus anger.) While another is focusing on short term good and sees another ignoring it and also feels there is then nothing for it but force (and thus anger). Etc.
So you spend your life trying to curry favor from whoever has power. You're practicing a relatively short term 'morality'. Then once you have power, what is your morality? What did you think their's before you was? Most likely you didn't really think much at all upon it. Mostly they weren't thinking. And neither are you. Following tradition is all. Whatever exactly you've decided to believe that tradition to be. Understanding your mind is like wandering through a mist. Coming here and there across a hodgepodge of somewhat random and contradictory beliefs. Glued together by short term self interest. And justified by a thinking which isn't aware of itself.
And I've no time.
Thinking of how essential that is, that a person should question the authority of their parent (such Nevare's father early on wishes he would do...) and become something other than their follower. Neither a follower nor leader should anyone be. Except a leader of one's self. Trying to think upon how essential or not essential this is, to determining the moral character of a person...
Certainly in a dystopia questioning authority is crucial... If I ever have children, and it's looking very iffy... I do think this is something that will really stick with me. A child that still at 10, at 15... seems primarily concerned with pleasing me.... I would think that horrible.
I look at the people around me who have broken moral compasses... It is more complex. Hobb's world is simplified as most stories are. But this idea of having a strong authority figure whom you unquestioningly follow. Who's authority you obey. Whereby your only morality is to please them plays a role.
But comes a day where you become that new moral authority whom you think deserves to be obeyed without question. And your own ethical code is based on what? You who've spent your life trying to curry favor with whoever you perceived as having power over you... It would appear to be a morality based on power.
All that morality means is self interest with some long term forethought. Which is to say instead of just doing are own immediate short term self interest, we perform acts that appear to help the common good to our own detriment instead.
Those who believe in leaders and followers and believe their morality ultimately consists of doing what the leader says, actually do so because they understand that keeping in good favor with the leader is in their own best interest. It is a simple and practical short term thinking. The person who instead answers only to himself, to hell with the evil wishes of whoever has power over him, is actually practicing a much longer term self interest.
It is hard to explain. But within the difference between the two and so on. We have conflicts. Between the differences in moral codes we have the concept of evil and thus we have anger. As one person focuses on longer term good and sees another is ignoring it, they feel their is nothing for it then but force (and thus anger.) While another is focusing on short term good and sees another ignoring it and also feels there is then nothing for it but force (and thus anger). Etc.
So you spend your life trying to curry favor from whoever has power. You're practicing a relatively short term 'morality'. Then once you have power, what is your morality? What did you think their's before you was? Most likely you didn't really think much at all upon it. Mostly they weren't thinking. And neither are you. Following tradition is all. Whatever exactly you've decided to believe that tradition to be. Understanding your mind is like wandering through a mist. Coming here and there across a hodgepodge of somewhat random and contradictory beliefs. Glued together by short term self interest. And justified by a thinking which isn't aware of itself.
And I've no time.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Once every 6 days a set of 3 chinups followed by a single attempt at a one arm chinup. Also same idea with presses with elbows all the way in. Elbows in means less chest development but far more all around development. More traps, shoulders and even triceps. In the past I did this for chinups and got to bodyweight plus 105 pounds for 3 reps (when I weighed 220 pounds). But then for at least 4 workouts in a row I couldn't quite get the 4th repetition. I was getting closer though. And probably I should have been thinking in terms of improving by a milimeter each workout (on average), most certainly not by entire reps.
Interestingly only attempting one arm chinups where I could not even get halfway up for at least the last six weeks did not hurt my ability to perform a full range of motion chinup. Actually during this time I've gotten much stronger at the full range of motion.
For yesterday, my most recent attempt at a one arm chinup, I got halfway up although with the considerable assist of pinching part of the doorframe between the fingertips of my off hand. Which I think I'll do no assist at all now. Also the Coc #3 immediately after.
And a bit of jogging for my back.
And, I dislike how I've lost the spring in my step. So although I don't play basketball anymore, (so so so sick of the fighting and lack of time, etc) adding leaping lenas of old no matter how ridiculous such may appear.
Interestingly only attempting one arm chinups where I could not even get halfway up for at least the last six weeks did not hurt my ability to perform a full range of motion chinup. Actually during this time I've gotten much stronger at the full range of motion.
For yesterday, my most recent attempt at a one arm chinup, I got halfway up although with the considerable assist of pinching part of the doorframe between the fingertips of my off hand. Which I think I'll do no assist at all now. Also the Coc #3 immediately after.
And a bit of jogging for my back.
And, I dislike how I've lost the spring in my step. So although I don't play basketball anymore, (so so so sick of the fighting and lack of time, etc) adding leaping lenas of old no matter how ridiculous such may appear.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Just versus equal tempered scale
Just intonation
I think the just scale would be better for me. I don't really need to change keys much. (And I think I maybe won't bother to write a song in every key...) Maybe a bit of enharmonic modulation, which I think I've done here and there in the past... But such isn't an essential component of my music. And anyway, I at least would like to play with the just scale a bit.
Physics of Music
This site is interesting. May make some wind chimes later. Was thinking of micro (vibrational frequencies) and macro time (the beats)....
I don't need to change keys so much really. Basically there's the minor key and the major key and then other scales. The pentatonic scale, six note, Partch's 43 tone scale, etc.
Microtonality
...with the 12 tone scale there is the major key which is:
2,2,1,2,2,2,1 or
1,9/8,5/4,4/3,3/2,5/3,15/8,2
and the minor which is:
2,1,2,2,1,2,2 or
1,9/8,6/5,4/3,3/2,8/5,9/5,2
The difference between the two is basically:
Major: 5/4, 5/3, 15/8
Minor: 6/5, 8/5, 9/5
The major (just) scale has ratios of relatively smaller whole prime numbers. It is interesting to me to try to translate this over to the general dark and brooding feel of music in minor keys versus the relatively happy sound of major keys. The ratios of relatively larger whole prime numbers can be thought of as dissonant, but also as simply more complex, more difficult to understand. And I wonder if are minds translate that which is simple and straightforward into 'happy' and that which is not so easy to understand as sad or dark and brooding. To me the minor scale just sounds more interesting also. To go to something like Partch's 43 tone scale then I would think would be going (potentially) much further in this direction.
I do wonder at what point the brain sees a ratio of larger whole numbers as close enough to some much smaller ratio. Like 199/100 being very close to 2/1. Or 15/8 even being close to 2/1... At what point does that become something that is translated as happy instead of sad/dark and brooding...?
Anyway, microtonal VSTs... Found this so far:
http://12equalboresme.com/Synths/Synths.html
Haven't tried it yet. Listened to a couple of samples. It all sounds vaguely chinese though like all such and such (unfamilar foreign group of) people look the same.
Actually downloading that one looks like too big a pain in the ass. Maybe this:
http://www.huygens-fokker.org/scala/ or something....
..finally the 31 tone scale:
http://www.huygens-fokker.org/docs/beerart.html
Mentions the harmonic seventh (7/4)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harmonic_seventh
which I mentioned earlier wondering how such doesn't exist in the 12 tone scale...
...then also the 43 tone scale:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Partch%27s_43-tone_scale
etc.
..I guess an obvious reason for only 12 notes could be that we've only ten fingers and two hands... Practically speaking, actually playing a real instrument with a 31, etc tone scale would have been very difficult before electronics..
Just intonation
I think the just scale would be better for me. I don't really need to change keys much. (And I think I maybe won't bother to write a song in every key...) Maybe a bit of enharmonic modulation, which I think I've done here and there in the past... But such isn't an essential component of my music. And anyway, I at least would like to play with the just scale a bit.
Physics of Music
This site is interesting. May make some wind chimes later. Was thinking of micro (vibrational frequencies) and macro time (the beats)....
I don't need to change keys so much really. Basically there's the minor key and the major key and then other scales. The pentatonic scale, six note, Partch's 43 tone scale, etc.
Microtonality
...with the 12 tone scale there is the major key which is:
2,2,1,2,2,2,1 or
1,9/8,5/4,4/3,3/2,5/3,15/8,2
and the minor which is:
2,1,2,2,1,2,2 or
1,9/8,6/5,4/3,3/2,8/5,9/5,2
The difference between the two is basically:
Major: 5/4, 5/3, 15/8
Minor: 6/5, 8/5, 9/5
The major (just) scale has ratios of relatively smaller whole prime numbers. It is interesting to me to try to translate this over to the general dark and brooding feel of music in minor keys versus the relatively happy sound of major keys. The ratios of relatively larger whole prime numbers can be thought of as dissonant, but also as simply more complex, more difficult to understand. And I wonder if are minds translate that which is simple and straightforward into 'happy' and that which is not so easy to understand as sad or dark and brooding. To me the minor scale just sounds more interesting also. To go to something like Partch's 43 tone scale then I would think would be going (potentially) much further in this direction.
I do wonder at what point the brain sees a ratio of larger whole numbers as close enough to some much smaller ratio. Like 199/100 being very close to 2/1. Or 15/8 even being close to 2/1... At what point does that become something that is translated as happy instead of sad/dark and brooding...?
Anyway, microtonal VSTs... Found this so far:
http://12equalboresme.com/Synths/Synths.html
Haven't tried it yet. Listened to a couple of samples. It all sounds vaguely chinese though like all such and such (unfamilar foreign group of) people look the same.
Actually downloading that one looks like too big a pain in the ass. Maybe this:
http://www.huygens-fokker.org/scala/ or something....
..finally the 31 tone scale:
http://www.huygens-fokker.org/docs/beerart.html
Mentions the harmonic seventh (7/4)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harmonic_seventh
which I mentioned earlier wondering how such doesn't exist in the 12 tone scale...
...then also the 43 tone scale:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Partch%27s_43-tone_scale
etc.
..I guess an obvious reason for only 12 notes could be that we've only ten fingers and two hands... Practically speaking, actually playing a real instrument with a 31, etc tone scale would have been very difficult before electronics..
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
(Extreme spoiler to The Marriage of Maria Braun:)
"while Maria, when she finds out the profound extent to which she – self-proclaimed "Mata Hari of the Economic Miracle" – has been not only outfoxed but regarded as nothing more than a sexual commodity duplicitously exchanged between Hermann and Oswald, takes revenge – or is it justice? – into her own hands. Maria's explosive end, in Fassbinder's universe, is no less ironic, and horrible, than Mildred's."
So that's what the ending meant. Creating one's own destiny. And not being subservient to any man.
And then you go and kill yourself when you realize how nice people have been trying to be to you.
The negatives of militant feminism.
Of course they didn't think of her as a sexual commodity at all. And he only kept quiet for her sake, as she was so intent on hiding the truth from him, thinking it would devastate him when actually he was OK with it.
This prewar Visconti sounds interesting.
"while Maria, when she finds out the profound extent to which she – self-proclaimed "Mata Hari of the Economic Miracle" – has been not only outfoxed but regarded as nothing more than a sexual commodity duplicitously exchanged between Hermann and Oswald, takes revenge – or is it justice? – into her own hands. Maria's explosive end, in Fassbinder's universe, is no less ironic, and horrible, than Mildred's."
So that's what the ending meant. Creating one's own destiny. And not being subservient to any man.
And then you go and kill yourself when you realize how nice people have been trying to be to you.
The negatives of militant feminism.
Of course they didn't think of her as a sexual commodity at all. And he only kept quiet for her sake, as she was so intent on hiding the truth from him, thinking it would devastate him when actually he was OK with it.
This prewar Visconti sounds interesting.
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