And that's it then. I've told a number of people to either communicate by using the phone or just go away, basically. I may not have come across as very nice but I cannot think of any way to sound nice about it. If there was anything else to do to manage to sound nice that I could have thought of (along with being world record good even as it's killing me) I would have done it.

So the phone: I don't think that's asking so much really. Really it's not asking hardly anything at all. And so then, these people I communicated online to for years without ever actually speaking to, how many do you think simply picked up the phone and chose to be a real actual human being?

Try zero. And ask yourself, what kind of person will spend endless hours communicating online with someone that they won't even once speak to on the phone for even a few minutes?

People with issues clearly. And although it appears to be disgusting indifference. Although it appears to be postindustrial living, (so easily dropping people). And it appears to show a complete lack of empathy. And it appears to be dishonest (communicating online with someone you don't actually think enough of to actually speak to). I try, to somehow just leave it at fear. Fear which has overwhelmed people. And of course being a weak, fearfilled person means you cannot show compassion for others. Such people can only be indifferent, or worse.

And it's no good feeling frustration that just about everyone is so well assimilated (thanks to their fear.) To not be assimilated is generally to be dead. Literally. It's no good being frustrated with those who aren't dead. So all these people are owned by Fear. The personal muppets of Fear.

And finally I've never used this blog with much concern for how I appeared. It should have always been a given that this gives a warped picture of me. And it's always been a given that anyone who knows me through this, is probably going to run in the other direction in fear. Occasionally I've allowed a tiny bit of hope that a person or two maybe was intelligent enough to manage better. But with one exception, all have failed. And that's OK.

The only people who know me through this blog, did so exactly because they expressed great unhappiness and it's a matter of my ethical laws (the same ones which would have meant immediately picking up the phone to speak to someone I had communicated online with for years) that I respond to people in distress. I saw them in distress and had no choice in the matter.

Perhaps though, when the need to follow my ethics, exactly when it does not appear at all to coincide with my own self interest. Perhaps I need to think harder at such times, instead of usually being kind of fatalistic. I'm fatalistic exactly because I know I'm almost certainly going to pay one way or another for my kindness. But perhaps at the same time whatever altruistic act I then perform isn't thought out well enough...

...mmm no, not really. Being openminded, I persecute myself. Always looking for flaws. But here, at least, there isn't one. It's more just that there's nothing to be done. I do the right thing, knowing it will do no good and will only hurt me, but there really isn't anything else that can be done. Over and over, it's hopeless. You reach out to people and they respond, "Don't pity me!" Or with suspicion. Or anyway, basically you're not allowed to actually do anything helpful for them anyway as to actually do anything would go against social norms. (I'm married!) Nuclear families. Post-industrial living. Fear of any action that even looks vaguely gay. Simply just fear really. Fear that both stops people from giving compassion and ever receiving any compassion. Fear that keeps people isolated. And makes it all basically hopeless. And thus the only solutions are completely personal solutions. Learning to not mind the established order.

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Books I've read lately:
The Tyranny of Email: Nothing actually stupendous in it. Just mirrors actually what I've been thinking increasingly for the last decade. Been thinking it but trying so hard to be understanding to all these people who will only communicate online because they're so overwhelmed by fear... Decided I'm just encouraging something harmful, for everyone involved, finally, as a result of reading this. So, life changing book.

Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglas: Excellent writing. Excellent insights on slavery that reach far beyond actual slavery in my opinion. Best book I've ever read on this issue. I'm wondering if instead of my crude attempts at depicting a Dante type hell, I should be going more in this direction here...

Temperament by Stuart Isacoff: Smirky 12TET polemic. Still useful. In trying to decide whether or not one should use TET (not just 12, by TET in general). I had decided that one might as well just use TET. That art is ultimately about symbols. To complain about TET is like complaining about seeing a zipper of a Dr. Who monters. As long as the symbolization is made it really doesn't matter... And then I finally slept well after a long bout with insomnia. And suddenly music just sounded so much better. And I listened to my pythagorean song and the tuning gave it so much more... So I still don't really know. It does seem that laziness played a huge role in eventually just deciding on TET. And that with today's technology, any thinking composer would be questioning it and experimenting with other tunings.

Heaven and Earth by Robert Johnson: (Haven't finished this one and not sure I will.)Jung disciple. At first I liked it but the language is getting so vague. I agree some mysticism is necessary but this guy just personally got extremely lucky. And then after the fact attributes all that luck to some divine power. That is incredibly annoying to me. (People don't normally literally find a suitcase full of money sitting in their hotel room given as charity by a crook so that they're able to continue their studies at the newly opened Jungian institute.) It's always incredibly annoying to hear the few lucky people giving what amounts to motivational speeches. They like to pretend something other than luck had anything to do with it. Johnson thought he was just following his 'thin threads'. And apparently if we all did the same we'd all be so happy. Bullshit. You got lucky. Extremely lucky. If 'following your thin threads' had led you to being stuck working at mickie D's I bet you wouldn't be going on about following your thin threads. And the majority of people who act like you did, (commune new age, wandering to a foreign land without a penny, etc) it doesn't work out so well for at all. Ultimately you're combining some wise insights about modern society with stuff that sounds like someone stuck a blender in your ear.

But, I understand, for a thinking man, finding a way to keep some mysticism is difficult to do... To believe that 'religion/spirituality,etc' is within our dreams, is for example one road forward, I suppose... But Johnson really it seems is so much strengthening his mysticism just through the incredible luck he's personally had. And that is nauseating BS.