I hate it when people use their blogs to speak in a passive aggressive fashion to someone instead of just directly speaking to them. For that matter I hate it when someone will throw hate, etc via email (cowards) instead of having enough ethics to actually speak to the person. What I'm about to write is not an attempt to say something ugly to anyone, it's for my own personal purposes only. When I have something to say to someone, I say it directly to them. If I have something negative to say and yet they won't even speak to me on the phone, then they basically don't exist anyway. I want nothing to do with any retarded email wars. In fact I want nothing period to do with anyone who only communicates via written text online. Anyone who thinks that's a proper way to (solely) communicate is behaving in a completely dysfunctional manner. Anyone who then acts all offended when their victim has had enough is being perfectly selfish; too concerned solely about themselves to notice the harm they're causing to others.

Of course some people are so bad off they simply can't take the feelings of others into account. (All the more so through the miscommunication which is the rule of email, etc.) And I do feel for such people. But if said people refuse to actually communicate there is certainly nothing I can do about that. I can't just pop into their heads telepathically to make up for all they're refusing to do.

Anyone who's taking part in discussion boards, blog comment sections, and email to a great extent, without actually speaking to the people their spending so much time on, is doing it woefully wrong. And I'm sorry, genuinely sorry for all the people who are continuing to fuck it up so bad.

Anyway, a few years ago I had to babysit a 14 year old autistic boy. I say boy, although when I was 14 I was not a boy. I was grown up by 14. But anyway this was definitely some sort of boy.

His father had recently jumped out a window because the boy had driven him mad. This was the story anyway, that he had literally just finally screamed and literally ran across the room and right out the window thus killing himself. During the evening I had to take care of him, he threw a cup of pee on me. And not with anger, but with a demonical giggle.

At one point in the evening though, I let him surf the internet. And he knew to do things online that I didn't know how to do. So, he was both an idiot and in some ways quite intelligent. Which normally is something I really like; as we all have our strengths and weaknesses, and in order to be really really good at something, something else is going to have to give...

But in this case the result was a monster. He had absolutely no concept of the feelings of other people. And when you tried to tell him he was wrong about anything he simply ignored you. You see, ultimately, he was utterly closeminded. He could never be wrong. And he's throwing cups of pee on people he's just met and laughing while at the same time able to surf the web better than me.

And so, I sat there beside him, to make sure he didn't hurt himself or someone else, while he sat there with a slightly empty look in his eye, flying all over the internet. And whenever I've interacted with someone online since who seemed 'a tad bit off' who refused to actually speak to me, I've remembered that 14 year old autistic boy, sitting there, flying all over the internet with a slightly vacant look in his eye.

Where will that boy be in 20 years? He'll probably have enough technical skills that for a while he'll manage to hold down a job. Then he'll throw a cup of pee on someone and when they fire him scream about how they're all sociopaths. He'll get another job and the same will happen. And eventually he'll be permanently unemployed, living on disability, surfing the internet, and screaming about how everyone in the whole world is a sociopath. All the while refusing to even speak to the people who try to help him. Unless they're female. In which case he'll try to get in their pants. And he'll be so good at surfing the web, he'll probably find some woman that's so lonely and terrified of any normal man, some woman that can only be with a guy that seems so pitiful she doesn't feel threatened of him, that he probably will find a woman.

And he'll sit there in his dump of a house and scream about how unfair it is. Scream about how awful the world is, and except for the poontang, he'll reject anyone else who offers help. Refuse to even speak to anyone else. And of course, when such people eventually give up and say goodbye, he'll of course then scream that they too were sociopaths.

And imagine again, that 14 year old, throwing pee on people and laughing, a slightly vacant, kind of scary, empty look in his eye, flying all over the web with ease.

And despite it all, here I am, compelled by my over-I, by the ethical laws my I, my ego, has set for me, to still attempt to help such demons that I find online. I've spent my life being Dostoevsky's Idiot, being too good for this world, pushing myself to the edge.

But I'm not going to go jump out any windows.