The problem is people communicating with me that I don't actually speak to. On facebook for example, despite clearly stating that I strongly prefer the phone I still have people just ignoring that and still communicating with me there. A girlfriend from more than ten years ago that I've almost not actually spoken to in a decade occasionally writes me, not entirely sure why. I'll assume just to be nice. We broke up ugly. (Totally her fault and absolutely no way around that.) It's nice that we're on good terms now. I guess it's nice the positive sentiment of her facebook messages. But... she brings up veganism to me, notifying me of something happening like two hours away, (which is as good as it gets where I live, but useless to me.) I ask if she's interested in veganism. She isn't. End of long spiel she says: "Maybe you can send me some vegan recipes? :)"

I'm not much of a cook and I seriously don't want to do recipes with anyone. How can I communicate this via typing with someone I've virtually not spoken to in a decade without potentially hurting her feelings? I don't know how exactly and so I spend days putting it off, being preoccupied by this pretty useless conversation with someone who's ignoring what I've clearly stated in my status and profound saying or whatever, that I strongly prefer the phone. This is another of the endless people who won't use the phone of course. I'm stuck trying to communicate via this method where miscommunication is so highly likely. Face to face this would be nothing to communicate. It would take a second and would be forgotten. Instead I'm stuck with this bit of crap in my head for days on end, this useless communication (although the positive sentiment from someone who had treated me so shitty is nice) taking up my life ultimately. My life ultimately because one after another follows. This sort of thing over and over again with people who won't actually speak to me, whom yet I'm so worried that through miscommunication I'll manage to offend.

After being stuck at this point and seeing no way forward for quite a while, I read that book, and finally decided to just be direct with some people. In return I was told by one to 'fuck off. I'm a sociopath.' (Although that one seems to think everyone's a sociopath, so it doesn't mean much.)

So, perhaps I should just delete my facebook account. That too will offend people. But it will be a short term thing as opposed to years and years of this, my life passing me by, with this absurd stupidity. Being dragged into unhealthy ways of interacting which are seriously ruining my life. Do I owe it to anyone to be forever dragged into such arrangements with people who refuse to even occasionally use the phone?

I really don't think so. And I would absolutely prefer to just not have anything at all to do with someone than to only communicate via email, etc. Better of course would be to interact in a more healthy way, but if people won't do that, they hardly have any basis for villifying me when I say goodbye and wish them the best. (But that again, is the exception I guess. Most people aren't so tied into seeing themselves as the perpetual victim.)

It is a sort of social anxiety perhaps that I've developed that I don't want to communicate via this medium anymore (with people whom absolutely won't communicate any other way) but it is at the same time highly twisted on their part that they're like this. And that's a huge part of what's causing the anxiety on my part. The understanding of these things. That the whole communication has such a basis in fear.

It doesn't have to be based on fear of course. It's possible for it to be a basically healthy thing. But I know damm well it's not in the case of this past gf for example. And many others.

I know it's fear and I see the bigger picture. I see how it all connects (albeit vaguely). And it ultimately drives me bonkers. Drives and drives me bonkers, on and on. And finally I tell someone please use the phone, or just have a nice life, and I'm a sociopath.

So of course I can't win. This is the one thing I know. No matter what, I lose. The problem being of course, trying to care about people who are utterly selfish. Of course I lose. In the same way, I'm so worried about saying something to offend old gf.

..but it is maybe much ado about not much really. I mostly started up this unhealthy communications with people far away I've never met. I just won't do so in the future.

And it is a sort of neurotic behavior on my part. Two types of people: those making other people's lives hell and those making their own. So I'm definitely the latter. And it's just not a good way for me to communicate.

My wife, feh, she has to do almost all of her communicating at work via email. I think that would drive me bonkers. She handles it way better than most but she is about driven bonkers presently.

The other thing of it is, is that I strongly desire to be a part of an actual community. I strongly desire more interaction with thoughtful people. And in the 'real world' that just isn't happening.

And so, I turned to the internet, where I ran into a whole bunch of people who unfortunately communicate in unhealthy ways. So I've got either ....'solitude' or unhealthy unfulfilling miscommunication. I've spent the last 10 years trying to avoid 'solitude', recognizing that such personal solutions really are simply not the best way forward. And instead I've been having unhealthy unfulfilling miscommunications.

I'm better off with 'solitude', if the choice is one or the other.

I say 'solitude' with reference to Robert Johnson claiming in Heaven and Earth that the cure for loneliness is solitude. I think it sort of sounds like crap. Or at least not well explained. It is possible to not mind the state of my life though. It's not really that lonely. I just had wanted so much more.

It's mostly a matter of forgetting what I wanted. Forgetting what should be.