Because I'm stupid I broke a string on my cello. (Not quite the same as breaking a guitar string...) A part of me felt like god is against me. That everything good will always be taken from me. That this broken string is the same as endless negative things that have happened in the past.

Should be a word for that. For over-reacting in such a fashion because one is actually angry at god. But there is no such word. And therefore I think people do this sort of thing all the time without realizing what's going on within them.

This negative thing, triggers negative memories and negative futures cascade down on me. My cello teacher is going to drop me because I'm so stupid/careless I broke a string just trying to tune my cello. And then I'll be forever locked out of the local community orchestra. And my cello playing will become this bitter endeavor. Years and thousands of hours spent playing in isolation. Becoming a great cellist. In isolation.

Slowly figuring out everything on my own. Doing it the extremely hard way. Being not as good as I'd otherwise be.

Always the same. Shunned. Never getting a fair chance. Never having a chance. Ever. Because god is against me.

Some of my recent happiness has probably been based on just accepting this. But then, I forgot. And I'm back to being angry, because I think I can do something, that there is some entity for which my anger isn't futile/counter-productive.

It is ridiculous. I know it immediately and always, but the path is so ingrained. The artist's path. All is symbols. Everything has meaning. I matter. Gods exist. I exist in their eyes. They bother to stand against me for a reason. Some ...unknown reason. And I bother to get angry. The same as pretty much everyone else.

You stub your toe and curse in anger for the same reason.

So persuasive that as my wife tries to console me, I turn away from her, I snap at her. "just leave me alone for now!" Because I can't quite turn away from this path. My beautiful cello. I'm an idiot. (some) God hates me. (God made me idiot?)

This is a real archetypal(?) story. Too ...??? to ignore it. To ....??? to not follow it's path at least a little.

...and also I finished the two (captivating) books I was reading. And sitting here in a malaise. Crappy TV and the vast internet wasteland. Was happier when I thought I would soon die. Supposedly the heart issue isn't too serious though.

...with dying all stress can go away. No longer have to worry so much about the stuff of this world. Don't have to worry about how I'm spending my life. Because it's about done, too late now anyway.

But now, it's no longer too late. And this was a poorly spent day. Both in reflecting after the fact and during.