A few times a week I'm managing to review a week or two of this blog history. Which is to say I'm reviewing too slow. I think I should speed it up, yet, I'll never again review this. This is it. Much of my life will be forgotten forever after this quick review. Which suggests I ought to take it slow. Hard to explain all the reasons I need to go faster...
1. The slowness is making it clearer this review will most likely only happen once.
2. I'm nearing 40 and I haven't begun the art I really want to do.

...what if when we die, we get a perfect memory of our entire lives?

It seems that along with the necessity of a belief in an afterlife in order to defeat nihilism we might also need this perfect memory. Because forgetting is like dying.

But a perfect memory might mean the Lovecraft Correlation. And/or/...? might it not be horrible to review an unhappy life? A life filled with fear, filled with boredom, filled with feeling uncontent. A whole life of fear, forever running, futilely. Running and running and running, for what? Always looking ahead, never singing and dancing....

OTOH it might be the way to stop being full of fear.

As I review this, the parts I remember my unhappiness, my stress/fear, as I revisit month after month of my past with that same feeling, it does something to me.

Struggling for the words... One way to say it is that I recognize how important it is to me that in the future I can look back on happier times. Somehow as opposed to wanting to be happy in the present... so that I'm happy in the present this way of viewing it gives it more meaning. Like I'm compiling happiness. Like my happiness is being remembered and really matters. As opposed to being something that will just be forgotten anyway and therefore really doesn't matter.

Perhaps simply through a better memory, such as this blog helps facilitate, I'm breaking out of the loop, breaking the cycle.

I am increasingly happy lately. Work is improving. Health is improving. But it's more than that. I'm breaking free of reality. Breaking the Lovecraft Correlation.

I'm turning life into what it must be for it to make any sense to bother living as opposed to just seeing it for what it actually is.

The reality is horrific.

But a year from now what do I want to go back and read?