I really like to do creative stuff but at the same time am a sort of anti-artist. I'm an anti-artist aspiring artist. It's maybe very clear from some pictures of my biological parents. My mom looking like Roger Waters met a woodland elf. My father... ugh. Very much an anti-artist. A creature of war and sex. Mere survival. No silliness.

And in me then this contradiction. This person who appears to be a cold logical engineer type who appears to think like that but whom actually really dislikes engineers, really dislikes that sort of work and really prefers artistic stuff. But then when trying to be artistic is so blocked by his mind that in part is anything but mystical in it's workings.

I need to document everything that bothers me in fiction writing. All the stuff that makes it "work." That ultimately I can't do myself because I either find it silly or a dishonest gimmick, etc.

It's a strange sort of thing. I really would like to understand it inside and out. It's a lot more complex than music. Music seems to be mainly math and synethesia. Writing is life.