The last post titled "True Self", the idea of Spock, the Kurt Russell character in The Soldier, Gilgamesh in this play, the idea of living as if in a never ending war, and perhaps stocism in general: how are they related? How are they different? How valid are they? To what extent are they awful things? Clearly to some extent, as in that play for example, clearly Gilgamesh has gone too far.

I think the "average" person spends maybe 5 years of their life feeling like they're on the chopping block. Well perhaps more, maybe 10 or 15. For a number of reasons I won't relate here I've spent the last 24 straight. That is why I've been some kind of stoic. Ah, such things beyond trying to explain. Feeling like The Other in a society that kills The Other combined with capitalism and then something far, far worse in the beginning that began a negative mental loop I suppose. Possibly within the next year I will get off the chopping block for the entire rest of my life. Very possible so much of this will just be crap then to me. I'll look back on it and just feel bad about having felt bad. And otherwise perhaps be speechless.

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I slept wonderfully this last week. Dunno why. Things I did different included some situps, and didn't eat any chips. Only had the tylenol pm twice last week then stopped. Did have a partial serving of Nyquil, just for ticklish throat that was making me cough in bed. Felt euphoric yesterday. Everyone else hates work so much while I love it. It's this final semester of a decade worth of college that annoys me. Now, mainly just fatigue as I've been doing this way too long. Knowing that I can still ruin my life. I can flunk a test I have tomorrow and be ruined. It gets old. And that combined with a few other things manages to usually keep a few ingrained negative loops running, resulting in a constant war mindset.

Nothing a bottle of wine won't cure.
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I created an evil god that wanted to kill me to stop me from killing me. Now I have no desire to kill myself but that god is still there.