I think we learn that in order to be happy we ought to think of certain things while avoiding thinking of other things. I think this learning occurs almost solely on a subconscious level. And the decision for our thoughts to wander in one direction as opposed to another occurs just about solely in the subconscious.

-My schedule is now, more or less permanently, switched over to a night shift schedule. I'm laying on the couch at 4AM last night. I'm alone. Truly alone. It's deathly quiet as the desktop headphones don't stretch that far... I'm laying there and it occurs to me that I can take my thinking in such horrible directions. Existential directions mostly, thinking of my existence as a sentient human being and what a pitiful thing my existence reduces to.

But beyond that. Somewhat more practically speaking just in how I'm all alone. It's the middle of the night. Pretty much everyone is asleep. There's no place for me to go to be with the few other people awake. I actually went for bike ride at 1AM. The world is dead out there...

The internet? Not really that interesting... The possibility to connect in a truly meaningful way is... (sigh) I don't know. Perhaps it's best to not even try?

Beyond all that, something more...

But, I can instead lay there and study. And... there is a way to happiness. There is a way to lay there and not feel so utterly alone... The imaginary eyes... Something...

And my subconscious plays. And says, 'No, please, goes this way... please...' And I do.

-All the blog philosophers are talking about Michael Jackson. About what he meant to our society, etc. I don't think such things matter. To an extent it's talking about what is something of a mirage. Trying so hard to define and explain things that actually have nothing to do with what anyone's really feeling. And much worse: things that just don't actually matter, things that actually really don't have any meaningful bearing on people's happiness. So what are they really doing? Their subconscious is showing them safe places to let their thinking go. Such cultural critique is safe. Safe first and foremost because it never really means advocating any actual change from the status quo. One can merrily talk about such things without ever having to worry that they're truly stepping outside of conformity into the danger zone.

Michael Jackson. Who cares?

...for humor's sake then what did I find really interesting about Jackson was his exaggerated hip thrust in his dancing. Such a symbol of power going back to chimps in the wild ritually humping their inferiors. Both a symbol of power which a person could successfully grok as that. But then also something to ridicule as it does also symbolize monkeys.

The other thing is I wonder about how after artists die they often get more famous, more appreciated. I wonder if this is related to the tendency of our society to be an endless competition. When Michael Jackson was alive, although he wasn't without talent, he surely didn't deserve to be a billionaire or whatever. It wasn't fair. Other people felt some jealousy, etc towards him? Now that he's dead, such people can finally go ahead and try a bit harder to understand him and be fair to him. Not as much reason to bother being jealous now. Instead now that he's dead we can feel compassion for him. (lol)

This concept then goes over to dead artists in general. The very fact that anyone has managed to make art is a reason to feel jealous of them.

For example I listened to last.fm last night for a couple of hours. Industrial radio. I exposed myself to a decent amount of industrial I hadn't previously heard. And sadly, unfortunately, comically, it made me feel kind of good that it really wasn't very good music (excepting the good stuff I'd already discovered.) Why did this make me feel good oi vey? :(

In part because I'm becoming somewhat bitter as an artist. I think people could have been a bit nicer. At least to listen to it and say something!

Anyway, such jealousy I suspect is within a lot of people. But once the person's dead we may be more likely to overcome such competitive tendencies.

...does being competitive about a given thing automatically mean having jealousy towards those we perceive being better at that thing? I really try to avoid being competitive about anything that actually matters to me. I guess because I do try to avoid jealousy. I try to act as if we're all on the same side (while I guess a pretty hefty number of people aren't remotely acting like that).

One can really try to be good at a thing without being competitive. Being competitive means you're concerned with being better then everyone else as opposed to just enjoying being really good at a given endeavor. I try to only be competitive over silly stuff. Although I guess the line isn't perfectly clear between silly and serious.

Yeah I think being competitive about something that you think really matters means being jealous of anyone you perceive as being better then you.