This blog

(Here's a long post that google lost. Badly rewritten. It was an important thought to me.)

So a blog is a sort of diary/journal. I never kept a diary. Here and there I started one but I realized that I wouldn't ever go back and read it and that gets rid of a good bit of the reason to bother. I guess not entirely but it seemed close enough. I guess now I could say that even if I don't go back and read what I previously wrote I can remember what I was thinking a little better and maybe make sense of it a little more by writing it.

But not going back and ever rereading a diary/journal seems to mostly make it a waste of time. And I knew I wouldn't do so because primarily I wouldn't be able to stand how stupid I had previously been. This is like in Kundera's The Joke he finds an old diary he wrote as a teenager and he's so horrified and disgusted by what he wrote, that he rips the diary to shreds. In the book though, and it's just as true for me in real life, actually the teenage diary writer hadn't managed/bothered to explain all of the context which made his actions not really so ridiculous and ugly as they appeared.

In the same way already I go back and read some of these entries and really wince and it is in part because I haven't explained (not even possible really to do so, mostly) all of the context which had put me in such a state of mind; all of the context that would even cause me to be thinking in a certain direction.

Damm this was an important post to have lost. Because I had a really good reason why this was different though. And google lost it. And somewhat ironically I've now forgotten it. Ironic because part of this post goes on about my bad memory and thus this blog is an essential thing and especially useful with the terms function so it's not like endlessly rifling through papers, wasting so much time looking for some thought.

And now, I've forgotten why the wince factor of reading my past stupidity is not going to overwhelm me eventually.

Fucking google will probably go out of business and delete all the blogs without warning anyway.

Now that the blog is getting big I'm also getting worried that I'm filling it up with too much crap thus making it so that it's all a waste of time to reread. So, I'm spending more time trying to decide if I should bother to write some thoughts down. Thoughts that may seem very obvious, but that I know, I'll later forget. And thus, it maybe would be good to go ahead and write them down. Because there will come a time when I want to remember them and I just can't...

Anyway, there's maybe still not really all that much to rifle through? Maybe it's just bad memory that makes it seem like a lot of time has passed when really it still hasn't.

I think that was more or less the gist. Very badly reproduced.

Another issue was that when something awful happens to me in the future it's going to be hard to go back and remember this younger me that was walking blithely right into some horror. Just his ignorance at even that may make it difficult. And there's really nothing that can be done about that. Not as big of a concern though.

..it is all about having a bad memory. And this blog serving as an extremely good aid to my memory. I know how I am. I think slow. It takes a long time to retrieve thoughts once lost. Days. I think this sort of thing can help me be a much better writer. And also, just dealing day to day with mere survival issues in my personal life. There are things to think, things to do that help me cope, help me stay relatively happy. At times I forget them and limp through weeks on end.

I need to ramble on. I need to use the terms function. This has already been worthwhile. Past stupidity is mostly torturous and seems so stupid because part of the context has been lost.