Unfulfilled

3-29-82
Dear Marilyn,
I just wanted to let you know that Frank has divorced me. He met a 24yr old SPY, or tech last April that he decided he wanted to marry.
She is catholic and never married and didn't like that it would be his second divorce so she said goodbye. However, you know how he can fight for what he wants. Since he is going to Alaska from Korea and she is there I can only believe that perhaps she changed her mind.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know so if you ever wonder if you failed you could be assured that it is something in Frank that keeps him from being happy and making a marriage work. He has never learned to like himself and until he does he won't be happy with anyone and accept them and their faults.
He did say that he doesn't like himself very much when he thinks of Jay, because of his little contact. He also says you are not to blame for the breakup. I hope someday he can write and ask your forgivemess as he would like to do.
So, if you have any feeling left for him I ask your help in praying for him that he can learn to like himself and walk in God's way thereby accepting others and finally being fulfilled which is what he keeps searching for through new marriages.
He is working on Amerasian children and I hope God is working through them to show how he has deserted Jay and now two wives.
He has so much to be grateful for, but doesn't see it. He still feels like the poor, shy Frank growing up afraid to be called on in class and making a mistake and being laughed at.
He also worried about approaching 40 and losing out on something, never having dated much. So he says there is a black hole inside of him that is not fulfilled. Only God can give him the peace he is looking for and I hope he receives it someday.
I pray God has blessed you and Jay in your new life.

I'm that son. He's spoken to me twice in my life. Last time 15 years ago. Arranged to meet me then canceled because "(he) had to go to church." Never heard from him again. Has now been married four times. Daughter of above women (not related to me) mailed me on facebook a couple days ago. She says she believes the pain Frank caused her mom led to her eventually dying of cancer.

I think he must be a very unfulfilled person who looks to women to fill in what is missing. That 'being unfulfilled' affects a lot of people and takes different forms. It's naturally selected for so much because it happens to take the form of procreating with lots of different women.

I have plenty of unfulfillment in me. I don't really look to women to magically give my life meaning... At least not in the way good ole Frank does. I do think happiness ultimately must come from within. I do believe like the religious guru from that commune in New Mexico. Line up the men and women across from each other and you marry whoever you're across from.

Everyone is beautiful and worthy of love. I loved Don't Mess with the Zohan incidentally; really really loved him making love to all those old women at the hair salon. Same idea with Paxson in The Dark Backwards and Sutherland in Fellini's Cassanova.

Which I suppose it annoys me that such just isn't allowed actually in this world...

Anyway at the same time that most everyone is wonderful, I don't believe any one person Should be crucial to my happiness. And I think without exception I've found this easy enough to see when any given person is right in front of me.

But when the symbols get vague. When it's not someone right in front of me. Then perhaps I must start doing what Frank does a bit more. Bizarre idealisations that kind of hurt me. Really hurt at times. That simultaneously are beautiful. That I think still I'd rather get around by making them Not So Vague! If any given person is real, not vague, not idealized/symbolized, then I don't think it's an issue.

But, it's not a big deal. Maybe some vague symbols are harmless enough. Little bit annoying though at times when some given person I just can't make them not that way, in my mind. (As it does hurt a bit, here and there.) Extremely rare thing also.

And I'm the sort of person who'll make sure to not end up like a Frank.