OK so I showed up for my RN board exam yesterday, a very crucially important bit of flaming hoop chop chop and whoopsie! I forgot my all important 27b-6 form. Can't take the test without it. Sorry! :)

But I just knew it. There's always something like this. It's like a predictable plot in some B movie. It's old and tired.

So it's about a 35 to 40 minute drive back home and I have 60 minutes exactly to get there and back with this paper. I had to park far away and run to my car like a little... I don't... animal... slave with a whip at my back. I'm supposed to be frantic but there's a part of me that's not capable of letting myself be affected that way.

I'm just stoic.

Torture me, etc. You might make me angry, (although I've gone further than anyone I've heard of in trying to eradicate such emotions). You might put me on constant edge for years. But that's just a sort of low grade stress... real fear, no. I don't play that. I laugh or just sit stonily like Spock.

So I hobble/run to my car as my knee has been hurting.

In the car and off speeding on the highway at an average speed of 90 miles per hour.
An old cd of my music happens to be playing. How about this?

No, that's no good. LOL. That's just heightening the stressful feelings.

How about this:

No! That just heightens the primary feeling I have about this, which is one of just being tired of this crude mere survival. I am just tired of such games.
But this one?

Yes, that works. I let it repeat a few times at least as I speed along. Of course my speeding causes road rage in a few other drivers who try to go as fast and cut me off, etc. I need a gun that shoots bananas... (Road rage is absurd.)

Why does this song work? There's something grand about it. I can't explain it. It was written randomly. Outside of rational thought.

But unfortunately it lurks in the back of my mind a good part of the time. Both a good thing and a bad. So now that I'm in the perfect frame of mind I take this test and it shuts off at the minimum number of questions which means there's about a 99% chance I passed. (They don't immediately tell you because they're afraid someone who fails might go nuts there.)

The idea that I might have failed is so ridiculous that to entertain it as a possibility does maybe cross over into mental illness. I once scored in the 99.85% on the GRE (relative to the population at large, not limitied to people who take the GRE). I missed the triple nines society by I think one question. Last week I had just gotten some other standardized test they made us take of roughly 100 questions. I was hoping for a perfect score on it... I missed 1.

But I really do think I could have failed. Because it seems that's the sort of life I've had.

Surely it isn't that bad really... but ultimately I do think I'm stuck in a low grade nightmare. (Although negative to the point of 'nightmare' primarily not with respect to my luck but just to what I see all around me. What acceptable behavior is, etc.) And I feel I've had to be an unfeeling piece of steel in the face of it. While at the same time managing to be pseudonormal as such thoughts mean I'm not well adapted. I'm the anomie. I'm the outsider. In our monkey society I'm to be ostracized, unfed, etc.

Of course I did pass.

I can now actually relax, for the first time in over a decade I think. I surely couldn't relax while getting my BS, MS and working on my PhD and for that paranoid schizophrenic at Los Alamos. I couldn't relax while unemployed for a year. (Have to get a job, a jobbie job!!) I couldn't relax through nursing school. Ridiculous subjective tests along with at first feeling very very out of place...

Now, I suppose, I can finally relax. I only work three days a week. I can stay up all night and read some escapist fiction if I want. It may take a while to kick in. Maybe it's been so long I'm not capable of it. Hopefully not. Although I expect I'll mostly always be held back by the knowledge of how bad others still have it.

So anyway, I've got an easy life then. Really I do. Most people don't. Most either have to work much harder or have to worry a lot more about money. Not to mention romantic troubles, physical problems, etc.