Really bothers me how unfriendly the world is. I don't say this with respect to any one person. I'm just weighed down by a lifetime of unfriendliness. Most particularly a decade on the internet. So much time resulting in so few friendships. It is in a way amazing to me. How can I have come this far with so few close friendships?

I almost don't even exist!

I need more but I expect more will never happen. 36 years (6^2!) and so little. No reason for things to ever change.

I'm not alone in not having adequate close friendships. In fact such is the case probably for the majority of people. Although perhaps it bothers me quite a bit more than average.

Things are like this mainly because people are afraid to be friendly. And then also the way our society is set up... there's too many people whom are constantly moving in and out of our lives as we bounce from job to job, etc. There's nothing concrete holding us together... And just too many people generally speaking. We can't treat them all with such friendliness as we should, so then who get's picked out as deserving to be treated like a human?

But for a spouse often no one at all.

I feel starved.

And I'm annoyed about it. I wish that people would find a way to break free of the standard way of doing things. I wish people would be so much more friendly. I wish that people would act the way I have tried to act.

But me being 'friendly' can be perceived as some unconformed bizarre scary behavior. And I realize this and hold back myself. I act less friendly then I otherwise would because I recognize that I have to conform. To the extent I don't successfully conform in a given person's eyes I'm just some bizarre scary person to be ignored altogether.

Conform to the coldness which makes everything pointless or be ostracized.

To the few who may read this, it doesn't really apply to you. Just what I feel about my entire life and what it's been.

Here today I look back, and what pointlessness it's all been. And oh how I've tried.

In truth the happiest people are the ones who don't even comprehend any reason for having close relationships. The people who keep all their interactions universally pointless. The fake smile people talking about the weather. The ones who have absolutely no idea what the point even is in being close to others. These are the well adapted people today. The mere survivalists. Food, shelther, sex. That covers it. Try to be meaningful with them and they assume you're looking for sex, lol.

And they're happy, I'm not. Thus they're right and I'm wrong.

Does that even make any sense?

Does this world make any sense?



Tomorrow my wife and I are going to meet a couple we occasionally do stuff with. Maybe we manage to do something once every 4 to 6 weeks. Which is to say very very often indeed considering this post-industrial world where we all 4 have different work schedules, etc. All 4 of us having an entire day off at the same time and no other plans is incredibly unusual. In fact it may be the first time such has ever happened. Usually it's just an evening after work with at least one person having to suffer the next day through sleep deprivation as they had to get up very early for work.

Once every 4 to 6 weeks is pitiful. That's no basis for a healthy mind. Yes, it is what it is. It can't be helped. But it's not how humans are meant to interact.

Ultimately we all get, or don't get, the mental/emotional food we need from work and our spouse and that's usually it. And such is just not the way it should be, the way it ought to be, the way it needs to be.

Humans are gregarious animals. We're meant to live in tribes. We're meant to see a lot of people, whom we are truly friendly with, whom we are emotionally open with, on a day to day basis.

We don't.

So we see this couple once a month maybe. A few others the same. It works out to 2 or 3 times a month that I have something to do with people other than my spouse or being at work.

Of this other couple for example, they've got hardly any friends. The husband I think has none at all. And this is normal. I've seen it over and over again. And we won't ever be really close friends. I'll almost certainly never express any emotional unhappiness about anything in their presence (never be real), as that would be 'inappropriate'. They'd have no idea how to respond. We don't have sufficient concrete stuff attaching us for which such a thing would make any sense at all. So I must keep it light and fluffy. Joke around. That sort of thing. That's all. That's probably all there will ever be for this life.

And I must erase such thoughts as these from my head or I'll come across as a wet blanket tomorrow and then even this type of pointlessness will eventually be closed to me.

...which it will eventually. Almost certainly.

Almost certainly, if I don't have children, I'll die basically alone in hospital someday. An entire lifetime of trying so damm hard to be so good, and it will be (and basically already is) like I never existed. Which again, is exactly how it is for most people. (Minus trying so damm masochistically hard to be so good, for the most part.)